Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Snapshots
By AlohaTraveler
In our lifetime, we hope to capture the best moments of our lives in pictures. We keep albums of our family events, weddings, births, first dates, proposals, holidays, vacations, and so on. There is another kind of snapshot that keeps many of us longing for our sociopaths. These are the “snapshots” we hold in our minds. They are the ideal moments, the perfect words, the heightened romance that so many of us felt when we were being seduced by a sociopath.
Browsing through my mental album, I see a snapshot of myself and the Bad Man, as I call him, passionately kissing in Safeway next to the tortilla chips. It was romantic, it was silly, and I felt so in love. Never before had I done a thing like that! It was just a kiss but it was so ideal, so out of the movies. I recall during our first kiss, he embraced me as if he were Fabio on the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel. Who wouldn’t swoon for that?
Here’s another snapshot. This time, I am at Home Depot. Why all the retail?! On the radio, Dan Fogelberg’s Longer Than is playing and I start to weep tears of joy. Suddenly, I felt as if I had a deeper understanding of this song about lovers. I know, it’s c-o-r-n-y! This happened during a time that I have referred to as “the happiest two weeks of my life,” or like I said before, “Relationship Crack.”
Another snapshot I have in my mind is spending an hour choosing just the right birthday card for my budding new romance (and more weeping over drippy love songs being piped in over the sound system). God, I was a sap! I ended up with two cards. I saw this as “the first card I would ever give the love of my life” and it had to be perfect. So what’s more perfect than two?
Yet another. This time I am sitting next to my Captain as he skillfully pilots the craft and gives an enlightening spiel about the marine life over his microphone. The guests were rapt with attention as was I, goo-goo eyes and all. I always had a thing for islands, the water, the whales, which were out in full force that day, and of course, the Captain of the ship. Isn’t it perfect?!
I remember looking at the Bad Man with his tanned skin and his Indiana Jones hat. He looked exactly like Harrison Ford back when Harrison Ford still looked good. It was all too perfect. I was living in Hawaii, I had a hunk of a man for my new boyfriend and of course, he had already told me what a “quality woman” I was, asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend and told me he was “seriously considering” me as a “potential life partner” after only a few short weeks! Considering that my move to Hawaii was my idea of an “alternate” life plan since, at 35 years old, my marital dreams had not come true, you can imagine how ecstatic I was to have such a lucky break in love. I had only been on the island 10 days when I met the “man of my dreams.” It appeared to me that my dreams were coming true after all. I looked at him and thought to myself, “We are going to be one of those couples that everyone wants to be like!” and I was on top of the world. I thought I had beat the system by letting go of the quest-for-love and reaching for my dreams on my own… and BINGO! My prayers were answered.
Sadly, the signs of danger were already present but my ideal moments, my perfect “snapshots” were clouding my ability, or perhaps, my willingness, to see them. The Bad Man had already mentioned that he had been called a “cult leader” in the newspapers back in Seattle during his days as a Pastor for Assemblies of God. He had been “sort-of excommunicated” because he was an “out of the box thinker” and he had “thrown off the templates” of the traditional hard line thinking of his former Church. He was a “rebel” and a “hero.” He had a “permanent restraining order” against him and all women’s health clinics in the Seattle area. He was “honest” about the “B.S. restraining order” his ex-wife had against him. He told me mournfully that his ex “stole the children” (escaped under extreme duress, I am sure) and that the court would issue a restraining order to any woman that said she was afraid. “The court wouldn’t even question it” he told me, with indignation in his voice. He called her a “gossip” and talked at length about how couples should be able to work out their problems in private or go “up the food chain” for advice and not down. Now in my defense, this was confusing. That seemed like good advice coming from a former Minister. Perhaps his ex was a gossip. I mean I was keeping all our problems private, just like he told me to. Why couldn’t she? I know as I write this that it all sounds ridiculous but alas, the kiss… the kiss! Now, I say, “Alas… the red flags, the RED FLAGS!!!”
Never before had I been so taken in by someone, so consumed by a man. I thought this was the big love that I had been waiting for. I thought it was finally my time. These were the things I was telling myself in those brief moments of heightened romance. As I write this, I realize that my snapshots were just my thoughts. In fact, in some of the snapshots I describe, the Bad Man isn’t even present… just me and my thoughts of LOVE. I was in denial of what was really happening and I let a few highly romantic moments, snapshots, overpower the truth. My own thoughts about what this relationship was going to mean for my formerly-empty-before-him-life were seductive enough for me to all but ignore the truth before me.
In my mind, I have burned up these snapshots. I recognize them for what they are now. They are my own fantasies, and my own dreams that I pinned on someone else. Why are all my dreams riding on someone else? Now when I am asked, “What are your hopes and dreams?” I feel sad and empty. For some reason, I keep getting asked this question lately. I can’t think of anything. I have plans that are solid and based on reality. I am working toward some goals. I have named the steps to achieve my goals and I am ticking them off as I go. But there are no dreams.
When someone loves you, they don’t set out to destroy you. They consider your wellbeing and they consider how their actions affect others. This is what is normal. They don’t terrorize you until you feel like you are worthless. I knew this but I sort of forgot. I forgot because he said the magic words”¦“I am seriously considering you as a potential life partner.” I became a slave to those words and would do anything, endure anything, ignore anything, because of them. It’s like I was on Survivor. I formed an alliance with him! I bought in to his strategy to destroy me and I joined in the plan. Hey, in the end, I even voted myself off the island! I guess you could say, I escaped the Bad Man by leaving while he was at work, kind of like the way he described the day his ex left him with her 5 children in tow. God Bless her.
If it seems that I make light of my encounter with a sociopath, I do not. My story is lit up with red flags, more than I would like to admit. My lessons from the Bad Man cost me some money, some time, many tears, a few friendships, and maybe one thing that needed to go, like a baby tooth needs to go to make room for the emerging adult one. Perhaps my fantasies of love, and being in love, and what that would mean for my life, were a bit girlish. Now, I have a plan for my life beyond loving and devoting my life to someone else. Where was I in all that, anyway?
I have a real snapshot of myself from my time on Maui. It was taken by the Bad Man. When I saved it on my computer, I gave it the file name, “pretending to be happy.” It looks like I am having the time of my life but the truth is, I was sleepless, anxious, afraid, and miserable. I was being emotionally battered, manipulated, terrorized and stalked. I had been called a long list of names your Mother wouldn’t want to hear you say. I was never good enough, never knew what he wanted or didn’t want, could never guess how to make him happy, because it changed minute by minute, nor could I keep up with his ever changing relationship rules that always applied to me but never to him. I was crumbling under the stress of it all.
I guess it’s never too late to be truthful with yourself.
Author’s note: The concept for “Snapshots” was introduced to me by my friend, Susan Bradley, RN. Susan is a Relationship Coach, and author of “Irresistible Prescriptions for Love.” For more information, visit her website www.lovinguniversity.com.
Valentine’s Day can be tough for victims of love fraud
whoops – I meant has anyone “here”, read it! sorry for the error
lil orph ; and everyone who is helping me. i am feeling a bit angry tonight two strange things happened to day first i saw a photo of the ex spath new girl and she is spitting image of me but younger same shape face same size short, same colouring the whole thing i was so pi….d off when i saw that picture. what is he doing. then to top off my day the guy i met from a dating site who i have been out with about 3 dates now and thought this was going ok till i saw he has been back on the site and was active the last night we went out on date. after he told me he was more or less not going to be on there and wasnt that interested in the site anymore. well he had been on there every day we went out. and its not serious or anything but i thought he liked me enough to have re spect to at least tell me the truth if he was going to be looking around on that web site still. so i thought i am going to be assertive cause i think he thought i would be none the wiser if he didnt tell me . so i called him and said i know youve been on there , how do you feel about how things are going between us, cause i dont really want to continue to get to know you i f your going to be dating other woman all the time you see me. anyway i just put it out there i also let him know i do want to get to know him still but just dont want to messed around. so now i dont know how he took this he seemed ok. but i may of scared him off. but i am glad i spoke up i just dont want to be kept in the dark like that i think it is better to know whats going on with each other if we continue. he knows a little bit aobut my past but not everything not how bad it was with s path. he is also coming out of a marriage where he had problems withhis wife lying ect so i hope he understands. i feel like ringing the ex s apth in regards to this new girl look alike and saying this time when it doesnt work out dont call text me or come to my work or anything . cause this is what he normally does. and i am over being treated like his rescue girl. then when he gets on his feet again he drops me. but i am not going to contact him i know i should not. it makes me mad cause i know he will be on a big high swooning over this new girl and she looks very innocent. just wish some good luck would come my way and feel like i have suffered enough and been lonely enough 2 years without reall long relationship . just want get on with life. whydoes the universe make it so hard for us victims of these people. also thanks a gian for the web site referals i will look at all of these for some guidence. i have heard of woman who run with wolves but idid not know what it was aobut .sorry my typing is so bad tonight. reading about the N has helped me i am sure he is one too as well as spath.
Jules :
I can hear how much you are hurting, and I’m sorry for it. They can leave some incredible devastation behind, the biggest being the trouble of trying to sort through what was illusion and what was real. As before, the advice would be to do the opposite of what you did while interacting with the S’path — at the time you took everything he said and did as 100 percent real and honest, right? Now that it’s over, think of it as 100 percent false and fake, just like they are as people.
That eliminates a great deal of “what if?” “why did he?” “what will he do” kind of thinking. View it like a band-aid while you are first beginning to heal; in the long-run, you may want to inspect the wound but initially it’s just too raw to poke at.
You’ve been ’round more than once with this guy, from what you say, right? That increases the likelihood he will be back and it increases the danger, because you’ve become a “part” of him. He won’t want to completely let that part go…so it’s likely he will try to come back.
You’re smart not to let him. The next time I will ever willingly see the P I encountered will be when he’s in an urn or when I’m looking down from heaven. Not in this life. 🙂 That’s how dangerous I think any contact with him is. Plus, he turns my stomach now, just thinking of everything about him.
I had lots of go-rounds, too. In a way, it gets easier because this time, it was clear half of what came out of his mouth was an outright lie and the other half, a fib. There was no “there” there in him and the puppet strings were almost visible. But it still cost me too much in time, heart, investment, thoughts…things you can never replace.
Just stay away from him. If you can master that one little thing, and in the meantime work on yourself, this will become a bad memory.
I really understand how you feel, Jules. I tried to get into another relationship hard on the heels of the one with Mr. Wrong. I thought I could drown my sorrows in new love, and I thought that if he was moving on so quickly, I could show him I would, too. It failed miserably. I met a very nice guy who should have been perfect, at least on paper. He was nice looking, successful, charming, really seemed to like me, and I was frozen like a deer in the headlights. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t stand the thought of another relationship even though there was every reason to move on. I just wasn’t capable yet, and I wound up hurting this other guy and scaring myself that I was one step closer to being One of Their Kind because I was so frozen and numb.
I spent the next several months determined not to see anyone else or get involved. You know what? It bugged Mr. Wrong a whole lot MORE when he found out I wasn’t seeing anyone. I even told him I didn’t need someone else when he called to ask questions. I told him I’d rather be alone forever than with someone who would deliberately hurt me and treat me like just another one of his harem. They’re incapable of being by themselves and need someone else to suck the soul out of, but we’re stronger than that. When we’re with someone, it’s because we want to be, NOT because we have this gaping hole in our psyches that needs to be filled by hurting others. If you’re rushing yourself into another relationship too soon, it’s not only going to fail, but it’s going to make him think you can’t get over him when it falls apart. Baffle his psychopathic mind by finding the things you love about yourself and learning to enjoy time alone with YOU that doesn’t involve him. Take a class in something that interests you or start doing something that you didn’t have time for when you were with him. Remember the you that you LIKED before he came along and made you doubt everything, because she’s still in there. He didn’t kill her, even though he’s still trying. Don’t let him.
I read ‘Women who run with the Wolves’ years and years ago, but I dont remember PDs being in it, and I obviously didnt take much notice that time around!
Jules, dating is always a pain and its the bit that no-one likes. But you are right, if you dont set your standards at the beginning then you are giving a message that you are available whatever they do. If the man wants to keep in the dating pool and see you, he should tell you, so you know where you stand, but of course some want not to be honest and have their cake! i havent seen my ex’s girlfriend yet, but I feel certain that she will probably have certain assets he is particularly keen on and I wouldnt be surprised if she resembles me, but it really hurts.
jules & any woman who feels “jealous” of her S with another woman – you might want to take a look here –
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml
it’s called ‘you think that you are so special – that he will be different with you…In memory of the machinations of a borderline controller, with condolences to all the other women who came before (and will come after), and once thought THEY were special too..’
while it is a long rant from a woman who was obviously burned by a S and now sees him with another woman, over the years, the words have helped me heal – every time i have that “omg! she is going to have the life i would have had with him!” feeling.
you know that feeling? like somehow she will get the wonderful life YOU could have had? that is when the second-guessing seeps into my mind…
i read it over again tonight – i have little ditties of writings i’ve collected over the years, i really like this one…
and if he is with another woman – pray for her. don’t hate her, even if he uses her to hurt you. pray for her.
and as for my S, he is circling again, like a vulture. two text messages today, which i have ignored. but he will turn up the volume, i am sure. i have been through five years of this, where he destroys me, i tell him to get lost and then he promises to change.
it is amazing to me that he doesn’t yet understand einstein’s definition of insanity – doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result.
if he drives me away, i will not come back. that simple!
my little boy, he’s seven, gave me a blue ribbon with VIP on it today.
he said, mom, you deserve it. for everything you have been through in raising me, and what you’ve been through with S, you deserve a blue ribbon. stay strong!
god bless his little head, which tonight is sporting a faux-hawk that he pressed together when his hair was wet….
i am NC in honor of him.
lg
okthis is to all of you above who wrote to me. i thank you all. well update, the guy i met on the internet who i said i want him to be truth full and tell me if hes dating other woman on there, hasnt called since that conversation and hes going away this weekend so i guess he didnt like what i said. well thats the gamble i dont think anything is wrong with asking someone that after three dates its just respect isnt it. anyway i sent him a text saying have a good weekend and call me when you get back if you want to. also i have been apart from the s path two years, before that we lived to gethr for one year. so after two years yes i do want to date and have a relationship with someone else i think that is a long time to be alone and my age has a lot to do with this i am 40 and i want to get on with my life. so i dont think i am rushing into dating a gian. i also would like to have a child whichi dont have any. i appreciate what you all tell me and i do think about all your information when trying to cope. and i will read the links and web sites i have been. i think in his warped way he has tried to punish me so much since he left me which is ironic why punish when you are the one leaving? But i do feel sorry for the new girl, i know at the moment all will be great fantastic in fact but in time she will have to endure all the sh…. t too like being with a guy who doesnt even drive or have a car you feel like his personal taxi driver. and just the way he smothers you it is addictive but a little annoying and you go why so much? And other things like his vanity really annoyed me he is so into his own looks .if i keep thinking of the bad things it makes me feel gald not to be her . also it took us a while before we had sex he was trying to make me think he could wait. but when we did then he became annoying he just wanted to touch me all the time around the house all the time just doing normal things like washing up or whatever he just wanted more and more. he tries to get you addicted to sex as he is. anyway so glad youall understand me it helps and i will see what happens like yousaid maybe he will try and come back if she wakes up and i will be unavailable that would feel nice. do you think the really innocent girls have doubts about the s paths as well or are they blind to it. i was a bit more experienced and older and i did get gut feelings which i ignored . but just wondering what you think. ok thanks to you all again xxj
Jules
It’s an illogical answer to us normal people, but the answer to your question, “i think in his warped way he has tried to punish me so much since he left me which is ironic why punish when you are the one leaving?” for an N/P or S’path is this:
They are punishing you because you accepted them leaving. By not chasing after them, by not pining for them, by not acting as though they are as special as their false selves assume they are, you invalidated their false self. You inflicted what is called a “narcissistic injury” (read about them at the site Grace gave you).
They may have wanted to leave, or, in the case with my situation, have made your life so unbearable you HAD TO leave just to stay healthy. They can even leave you. The “how” doesn’t matter. Fact is, you are out of his fold, away from his power, and he feels as though a piece of himself has gone missing.
He takes pieces of everyone to fill his own inner void and you become like an object to him, or part of himself. Imagine if your own arm went missing one day, just jumped up and hopped off by itself. First you’d be freaked-out, even if you’d come to view that arm as ugly or useless or taken it for granted. Eventually, you’d want that arm back, if only to make yourself feel whole.
It’s (again) POWER and CONTROL. When they lose it, they grow impotent with rage. They’re determined to have your attention again, whether positive or negative doesn’t matter.
This is part of what makes them dangerous when they’re not directly exerting their crazy mind games and abuse over you.
To them, there is no grey area – it is all win or lose, black or white. Right now, your absence and unwillingness to return makes you the winner, in his mind — and he can’t have that.
Jules, I have thought about the ending too. My ex N set up the ending by giving me the text messages of the women he was seeing. But i never turned the phone on, just put it in my drawer for couple of months. So he stepped up the heat by giving me another phone with their phone numbers on. I was astonished but I didnt finish it. So he ‘arranged’ unbeknown to me to meet one of his women.
So in his mind, he fixed the ending, I reacted and told him to get out and he went. But he punished me by doing this, as previously I spoke up to him, so in his mind he was settling the score and no doubt felt justified to cheat on me and have the satisfaction of being like a hit man and just watching me fall. The thing is, because I had suspected him of cheating for a while, I just sat and waited for him to mess things up, as I knew he would – so one wonders who was actually in control of the ending (they cant say no and cant say yes). He probably has his version – but I have mine!
once, during a breakup I saw him in town and he looked at me and I didnt acknowledge him. when I got home, I got nasty messages from him – now all these little riddles are solved! My ex N doesnt act needy or dependent, he acts very very aloof, very detached, cool, very very independent and I keep having to realise that this well polished veneer covers a person who is so desparate to be in control – is needy. His need to be in control OF EVERY ASPECT of our relationship became evident very quickly, but he did it cleverly by distancing and detaching, making out that he wasnt really bothered about me, (which he wasnt), but ticking me off when i didnt behave how he wanted me to. He was also the most rigid, black and white thinking person I have ever met. But he was also very deceiving because when I spoke to him, I am sure he was thinking alot of stuff about me and what I was saying that he wasnt telling me about e.g. like thinking I am a silly b…h.
lil orph and bev; you are both right hes been punishing me evn though he left me in a really ugly way he just thought all of a suden i was too old for him even though he proclaimed he loved me al the way thru a dn wanted to be to gether for ever. and i felt like a[posession until he found someone else told her how bad i was and didnt want to have anything to do with me. so now if i ignore him i hope it had the desired a ffect on him of why isnt she giving me attention and i think he will get bored of the new girl. yes bev mine too is very distant and acts like it doesnt matter if he sees or talks to me. espec when he has a woman in his life i dont really hear from him at all. but when he has got no one or he gets dumped and thinks he has no one hes straight on the phone to see me. this is what really was getting to me just lifting and laying me . he acts aloof and like he doesnt care what im doing or who i am doing it with, but now i know his behaviour i think they want to know whats going on in our life as much as we wonder about them they are just as curious i think but they hide it so they dont seem weak. im sure of this. bev mine also tried to fix the ending by sending himself a text message as if it was from a woman, but he made it up cause he knows that i would be angry and prob break it up. but i didnt i was angry but i didnt end it so when i confronted him about another lie he told me and i had the proof he just said he was leaving but hed been thinking about it for a while. then he said i still want to be friends i dont want you to be lonely, and he played on that and tried to keep sleeping with me for about a year on and off till he met someone and then dropped me even as a friend very quickly so hes been like this for 2 years. every time he got hurt he came looking for me to lick his wounds , and a s timing went i was always single when he did this even though i had seen a few different people in between.. so its all a game somtimes very hard to follow and very hard to explain to others. i am just tired i just want to meet a normal guy. was disapointed a bout the internet dating guy, i just wanted him to be honest about if he was seeing other woman is that too much. it is so hard, but i am glad i spoke my mind i deserve that resepect just as much as anybody. so ill keep trying to get on. also i read the bleeding romeo web site somone posted on here wow theymust of been dating my ex spath it is so spot on wow just reading that i wanted to send it to the new girl i could cause he told me where she works but i dont want to look like a freak he would just know it was me and talk his way out of it. but good to read it. love to you all and thnk you xj.