The Fantasy of Unconditional Love

There’s so many religious implications when one talks about “unconditional love”. I know most major religious beliefs promote it in one way or another.

I can only speak about my own religious & spiritual beliefs, in learning and practicing Tibetan Buddhism. But from what I understand of Christianity, the Bible’s call for “love thy neighbor” seems to be something along the same lines.

When I read something or hear His Holiness the Dalai Lama speak of “unconditional love”, it gives me a good feeling. And I have that same good feeling when I hear something quoted from the Bible about loving your fellow man.

But I have to say when I, sometimes, hear certain people profess about how people should “love unconditionally”, it gives me a sour taste.

It’s because it seems like many times, some people who opine about unconditional love, are those who need others to love them unconditionally, because they would get no affection at all unless people loved them unconditionally, because they are either unwilling or incapable of being and behaving in ways that are lovable!

The Dalai Lama says “true unconditional love expects nothing in return”. The key word there is “expects”.

I do believe in love & peace… even “unconditionally”. But I too believe that’s a somewhat distinctly different meaning of love than the ACTION most people think of when you say the word love.
And it’s certainly a different version of love than what’s been twisted by sociopaths and other selfish people.

For example, when His Holiness the Dalai Lama speaks of a sort of unconditional love as the path to peace… The idea is that there’s one truth that applies to all humans — That all humans do not want to suffer.
I understand this to mean that it would be wrong to deliberately impose suffering on another person.

In Buddhist practice, this type of love does NOT mean you have to perform personal intimate loving acts personally to a sociopath, or anyone else. It just means that you’re not torturing other people, nor denying them basic human rights, nor deliberately going out of your way to violate their dignity.

It does NOT mean that if a sociopath ACTS like he’s suffering because you won’t do something he wants you to do, that you’re supposed to do what he wants you to do, to alleviate his supposed pain. That’s not how it works.

A concrete example might be this. You know an alcoholic person. (Maybe a sociopath, maybe not, it doesn’t matter.) The person is addicted to alcohol, and the person may act, and genuinely seem, like they need the alcohol to stop their suffering. And, in a sense, there’s some truth to that. There would be a temporary ‘fix’ to their pain by the intake of more alcohol. But pain is not the same thing as suffering. In reality, more booze would prolong their suffering. So it does NOT mean that as an act of compassion, you need to go out & buy booze for the person. But if you happen to be present when they’re having serious withdrawal, and perhaps in danger of having a seizure from withdrawal from alcohol, the “Right Action”, (ie: the morally right thing to do), would be to call an ambulance or something so they can get proper medical attention. The alcoholic themselves may not, at that moment, see it as an act of love & compassion. They might believe that the loving thing to do would be to get them booze. But that’s not the truth. Directing them to medical attention would be the act of compassionate, unconditional, love.

That’s why the Dalai Lama often talks about how compassion requires “clear-thinking” – ie: rational thought. That compassion is not about the emotion of sympathy. Nor should compassion, be based on the emotion of sympathy. And by the same token, Love in the sense of “love your fellow man”, should not be an action based on *affectionate feelings*. It should be a compassionate love action based on a clear-thinking, rational, basis.

As for affectionate feelings, and that sort of love, between people who are emotionally close to one another, such as family, friends, and romantic partners. This is a seperate issue entirely. It’s true, you can’t have true affectionate feelings and perform intimate loving acts (not just sex, but intimate loving acts such as spending time talking to someone for a period of time, or maybe helping someone move, that sort of thing)… You can’t do these things if it’s a One-Way Relationship, or a relationship where the other person is threatening to you physically or emotionally. Nor, I believe, should you try.

In this sense, I believe that if I feel affectionate toward someone, and love them, I can’t EXPECT them to love me back, I can’t expect them to feel affectionate toward me, I can’t expect them to reciprocate my intimate loving acts. However, I can choose NOT to be personal friends with someone, to not perform intimate loving acts toward someone, despite my affection, if they turn out to be someone who is not going to participate in the relationship as an equal.

My affectionate feelings will naturally subside and diminish, even disappear, if the person turns out to be non-reciprical, or threatening in some way. I think this happens with most people. Though I think it differs from person to person, and situation to situation. I’ve seen people remain feeling affectionate longer than I would in the same situation, and I’ve also seen people come to dislike someone sooner than I probably would. I’m assuming these differences depend on a combination life experience, learning from early childhood, and natural temperament.

But however long the affectionate feelings last, I know that as I’ve gotten healthier regarding taking care of myself, and learning more about boundaries, I often tend to remove myself from people even before the affectionate feelings diminish. And it’s a choice to take care of myself based on clear-thinking, rational thought. Even though, initially, sometimes it FEELS like somehow I’m denying myself something by removing myself from someone I feel affectionate toward. I believe the action is truly an act of true compassionate love toward myself.

And perhaps in many situations, an act of true compassionate love toward the other person. Since if the other person doesn’t feel affection toward me, I might actually be making them uncomfortable, or putting them in an awkward situation by expressing my affection toward them.
And in the case of the sociopath, I would be enabling their relationships based on inequality, and even if they like it that way, I do believe it’s not morally right for me to be a party to that type of unhealthy relationship, regardless of whether or not they recognize it as unhealthy for them.

So this is how I personally perceive the difference between compassionate acts based on “love”, and loving acts based on “affection”.

Once that form of “love” is seperated from the definition of “affection”, “uncondtional love” takes on a whole new rational meaning that has NOTHING to do with ‘putting up with someone else’s bullshit’.

I think I’ve had a similar discussion here about what I believe is the true meaning of forgiveness. Forgiveness also has nothing to do with ‘putting up with someone else’s bullshit’.
Forgiving criminals, for example, doesn’t mean I want them to open the doors to the Supermax Federal Penitentiary in Colorado, and let the most heinous notorious criminals out loose in the world. It just means I am not working to have them brutally tortured or denied food & water. It means I don’t harbor hateful feelings and resentful thoughts of revenge in my heart toward them. It does NOT mean I want their consequences alleviated, and it doesn’t mean I think the public should be put at risk with their freedom.

There’s also no “requirement” for forgiveness. Having resentful thoughts toward someone who’s behaved heinously is perfectly natural, especially initially, and nothing to be ashamed about.

I had a friend some years ago who said that having forgiveness really isn’t something you choose. It’s something that you pray for – you pray to have the capacity for forgiveness, and it comes bestowed as grace. (Or something like that, I can’t remember her exact words.)

It’s also not something that someone who’s done wrong receives from someone else. You don’t GIVE forgiveness to someone else. For example sociopaths’ understanding of forgiveness is often the idea that if you forgive them, basically that forgiveness is comprised of ‘continuing to put up with their bullshit’, or giving them a free pass for what they’ve done.
When in reality, forgiveness is something you HAVE for someone else. My forgiveness for someone is contained within me, and expressed as simply as by my not working to have the person I’ve forgiven tortured or having revenge visited upon them. That’s all.

So when our respective religious leaders call for unconditional love and forgiveness, I can take that for what it is. And when a family member, acquaintance, or whoever, selfishly calls for my unconditional love & forgiveness, I can see that for what it is too.

Thanks Ox Drover for this wonderful discussion on love. I often think how wonderful it would be if more of us spent more time discussing the topic of love, in all its forms.

I’ve recently been reading “The Path to Love” by Deepak Chopra. Recommended by a friend when we were discussing this very topic. In it, Chopra too deliniates the difference between love on an emotional level and love on a spiritual level. And in this book, he seems to be talking about a way to join both. But it’s good I never heard about this book until now, because if I had read this book some years ago, in the time of shaking toxic people out of my life, I would’ve been far too cynical to even begin to understand what he was talking about. Because the truth is, I think I’ve tried to join the 2 in romantic relationships & friendships my whole life, but a lot of the people I was attempting this with just were NOT on the same page. That gave rise to a jaded impression that I’m alone in this. Now I’m at a point where I recognize that I’m not alone in it, I just have tended to choose people, and tended to feel affection for people, who were not on the same page. But now that I’m moving out of that protective cynicism, I can recognize that I have a few friends for many years now, that do seem to be on that same page. And that’s why they’re people I’m still friends with, people who have never been toxic to me.

Henry:

What you posted did remind me of this quote:

“It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.”
— Judith Herman

That’s nice about the quilt. ANd there ARE people who care, and see the truth.

And then there are people who know the truth, but just don’t know an appropriate way to handle it socially.
And then there are people who just don’t want to deal with the issue at all because they don’t know what to think or do about it in any way.
And then there are people who just don’t get it, and therefore can’t even think about it.
And then there are people who just don’t care period.

And then there’s the other people… The people who are your friends, and who care about you and what has happened to you. But because you’ve been in a toxic situation for some time, you’ve exhausted every last bit of their energy trying to support you through it. And they have to put a limit on how much they can listen to eventually. Because they need to take care of themselves.

Don’t take it personally.

Just remember that everyone has their own lives and their own problems that they have to deal with too. And they may even have other friends & family leaning on them for support with something, at any given time, as well.

So be patient with good friends who might just be exhausted, not actually dismissive. (Even though it might feel dismissive at the time.)

And just be thankful that there’s the internet, and web sites like this, where there’s so many people that at any given time there’s SOMEBODY present for you, who understands, and who’s energized enough to deal with it at the time.

And know that there will come a time when you won’t talk about the PERSON anymore. Eventually you’ll just be talking about the issues. And then further on down the road, you’ll mostly be talking about the good things you’ve learned in the process, and it won’t be so often that you even need to discuss the subject… only when it comes up occasionally. Just keep reading and learning. It’s happened for me… and if it can happen for me, it can happen for anyone!! 🙂 🙂