Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call “Lillian.”
Yes. It happened to me. It took him six years but he left. He left me holding two mortgages in both our names. He left me once I ran out of cash. He left me when I got laid off. I am almost 50 years old and I have nothing. I haven’t heard from him in over a year. He encouraged me to buy a bigger, more expensive house than I would have on my own and came up with half the down. He moved in. Wouldn’t pay anything. Got us a joint account and credit card. I worked. He didn’t even buy groceries. He bought himself a boat after three years of hell as I got angrier and angrier because he just lay on the couch. Then he sailed to Mexico and didn’t come back. His rich widow of a prominent heart surgeon called me one day. He had told her he owned property up here and that he had ended a relationship—which he hadn’t. He got really angry then and cleaned out the joint account of my funds, of course, since there was never any joint about it. He lives in Mexico on his boat and has a house in Oakland. She feels like Cinderella right now and thinks I am the evil stepsister.
I had $400K in cash. No revolving debt. Two retirement accounts and supported my husband and kids. Well fast forward. I have no cash. No retirement accounts. $70K in revolving debt and no job. I am ruined. I am so traumatized and messed up that I can’t function. I just cry. I reach out and no one is there. I am extremely isolated. I want to die. He is living in Mexico and suing me for half the house. He isn’t done with me yet. And I am just two months away from living in a tent. No one cares. No one understands. Everyone thinks that somehow I either deserve this and or it’s my fault. I am done for. I don’t know that I can be helped even if I knew someone who could help me. That’s the story. Sad but true. I wish I were dead.
After a devastating encounter with a sociopath, the most important thing we have to do is stay alive.
We may have lost our money, our homes, our jobs, our health, our self-esteem, our hopes and our dreams, but we cannot lose our selves.
This is basic, but crucial. We cannot die.
Not everyone succeeds at this essential task. Not everyone is able to continue living in the face of monstrous personal betrayal. In these cases, the sociopath truly wins. Dr. Leedom calls it “murder by suicide.”
There is an old adage, “Where there’s life, there’s hope.” When dealing with the aftermath of a sociopath, this is the truth. A sociopath’s goal is always to win, and sometimes to destroy us in the process. When we stay alive, we deny the sociopath’s victory.
We can also start a process that, over time, will enable us to claim victory for ourselves.
It doesn’t seem that way in the blackness of despair as we survey the wreckage of our lives. But as many of us have learned, amid the wreckage we may discover that our broken ideas and beliefs actually needed to be broken and thrown away. We were operating under false conceptions of ourselves, conceptions that made us vulnerable to the predators.
We learn that if we stay alive, we can begin to rebuild our lives, and when we do, we will be living our own truth.
So how do we do it? We keep putting one foot in front of the other. We cry when we need to, then we pick ourselves up and push on. We keep going forward, even though we don’t believe we can.
The road to recovery takes time and patience. It takes recognizing that we may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PSTD). It takes caring about ourselves and being kind to ourselves.
The first step is staying alive.
Please, Lillian, we know your situation is very, very bad. But don’t let him win.
P.S. I am so paranoid from what I have been through that sometimes I think that the p has read what I have said on this site and is gloating that he has destroyed me.
I have never felt jealous or envious of his new victim and have always seen her as just THAT..the next victim. I would never have tried to convince anyone of what he is really like, because if he can con me (after the solicitor) he can con Charles Manson!
Kickback,
I checked out that link. I thought he simply stated the same sort of things Martha Stout states in her book–the professions sociopaths are good at, then the hardships they face, then he gave his opinion re any possible treatment. I’m not sure, but it sounds as if you are saying based on his answer that the therapist sounds like a sociopath himself. I didn’t get that sense at all from reading his reply to David. I thought he gave a very down to earth, common sense reply. Just my opinion though. –Jen
To the original poster of the letter.
I’m sorry you are going through this and since you are right in the middle of the trauma right now with all the loss and with him suing you, I know it all is very overwhelming. But you’ve taken a good step by contacting Donna and Lovefraud and reaching out for help and support. Just try to concentrate on getting through one day at a day. Just that one day. Then the next day concentrate on making it through that day. Continue to reach out to others for support and to help break that isolation. Come here and read and learn and if you feel up to it post and vent and seek support. Peace be with you. –Jen
Tilly:
It seems like your dentist has created the perfect conumdrum. He’s holding your things, then says he’s willing to hand them over, and when you go over, then he claims you are violating the restraining order. How nice for him.
Seems to me there are two courses of action here. First, do you have copies of his communications saying “come on over and get your things?” If you do, I’d take them to the local police and failing them, the DA’s office. Let them get involved since, ostensibly, their job is to keep the peace.
Second, why haven’t you reported him to the tax authorities and the insurance company? These creatures fear exposure. Personally, you owe this creature no loyalty and in your shoes I would blow him out of the water in a heartbeat. More to the point, since he’s cost you money by keeping your things, you cost him money by letting him duke it out with big boys like the tax authority and the insurance company.
I have a question..and feedback would be much appreciated. Being that I have a child with an S..and no contact”is a bit difficult. I have kept it at a minimum and STRICTLY about our son. I have been indifferent. I know they feed off of atention”positive or negative”and he isnt getting any”.I feel a bit nervous now as I am not sure why”can anyone tell me from experience what the reaction of “indifference” is with one of these creatures..I know he doesnt like being cut off from me and having it be strictly about our son.
Endthepain,
Well, from my experience indifference really does irk them. He may up the ante every now and then to try to get a rise out of you, but if you can refrain from giving it to him, he may grow bored with that and those times may grow less frequent.
Of course, it is really difficult to remain emotionless when they start doing really vindictive or bizarre things. But when I could manage it, the indifference worked like a charm. But when I’d give an emotional reaction he would start back with his crap with a vengenance.
One other thing, your nervousness could be because acting indifferent is foreign to you, unfamiliar, so you are getting into unknown territory because you don’t have much experience with his reaction to that. When we do things that seem against our normal reactions, it tends to make us (or me anyway) nervous and uncomfortable.
Lillian,
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Don’t expect family or friends to understand, because they just can’t. Don’t even try to talk to them about it. It is out of their realm of understanding.
Find a group of people, (maybe a shelter that houses abused people) that has support groups. Sometimes they meet everyday or evening of the week. Go there and talk, talk, talk, and work it through. Get some one-on-one counseling too.
There is so much healing when you have others that are validating your feelings (as you will get on this site). And you will heal w/ more and more insight.
And if you choose, allow God to help you. He’s the best at it!!
Peace to you!
Daisy
Lillian–
I haven’t suffered the physical/financial abuse that you have – mine was psychological, emotional, and professional, coming from someone I thought was one of my best and closest friends and colleagues (I haven’t shared any details because I share Tilly’s fear that he might be coming here and reading and I’m just now getting back on my feet and don’t want to risk another attack; this guy is scary smart and calculating) – but I have, because of my upbringing and genetic heritage, suffered from serious depression most of my life. When I was younger, I was suicidal, but after much work, I thought I had gotten past at least that. Well, that was before I got targeted. By the time the SP in my life got through with me, I was back to square one. It was only thinking about what my suicide would do to my sweet husband (even though the SP was working very hard to get him to transfer his loyalty to HIM and almost succeeded) and family members that got me through. Incidentally, this guy KNEW I suffered from serious depression AND was also suffering from devastating, unrelated PTSD at the time he made his final move to destroy me AND he is a therapist!!!!!!
It was two years of terrible depression, crying, screaming, raging. But I did hang in there. And now – I hope this gives you some hope – I am getting back on my feet. I’m still not fully recovered, but I changed the focus of my professional life and things are looking up. I FINALLY got my husband to see the SP for what he really is – and that was not easy because the SP is SO good at his mask, a seeming saint. I almost gave in to what this MF wanted (once I realized the depth of his sadism and cruelty, it was so very shocking and disturbing I felt as if I’d gotten a glimpse of hell for the first time in my life – and I don’t even believe in hell!) but I am so glad I didn’t! Yeah, flip this a**hole the bird by surviving and eventually thriving! It IS the best revenge. DO NOT let this predator make you do his dirty work for him!
I know you can’t see your way through this right now, but the compassionate and loving posters who have responded to you here are right – you will find a way. Just take it one day and one thing at a time. Spend lots of time here, as others have suggested. The loving support you’ll find and the excellent advice will get you through. Here, people will believe YOU instead of the SP. That alone is HUGE! Matt will very generously help you with any legal issues that come up; I myself didn’t have any legal issues that I chose to pursue (though I could have; I just didn’t want to stay entangled, just wanted to get away), but he has been unbelievably generous with others.
Once you get this twisted soul out of your life and your heart and mind, things will start looking up – they will!! In ways you couldn’t have even imagined. Hang in there, Lillian. Take heart. You’re surrounded by love from genuine people who have been through this, too.
Dear Lillian,
Often times the hardest things we are facing in our lives we feel alone….You are not alone! You have come to the right place. So many people here have been where you are now and will offer you not only their personal stories but good advice, comfort and support during this troubled time.
Many people who have not been through what you have witnessed will not ever be able to comprehend what you are trying to say to them when describing your pain. And that is why it is so important to feel validated. The people on this site will do just that.
Please entertain in your mind the idea of life….You can get through this. You need to feel the loving support that is offered here.