Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call “Lillian.”
Yes. It happened to me. It took him six years but he left. He left me holding two mortgages in both our names. He left me once I ran out of cash. He left me when I got laid off. I am almost 50 years old and I have nothing. I haven’t heard from him in over a year. He encouraged me to buy a bigger, more expensive house than I would have on my own and came up with half the down. He moved in. Wouldn’t pay anything. Got us a joint account and credit card. I worked. He didn’t even buy groceries. He bought himself a boat after three years of hell as I got angrier and angrier because he just lay on the couch. Then he sailed to Mexico and didn’t come back. His rich widow of a prominent heart surgeon called me one day. He had told her he owned property up here and that he had ended a relationship—which he hadn’t. He got really angry then and cleaned out the joint account of my funds, of course, since there was never any joint about it. He lives in Mexico on his boat and has a house in Oakland. She feels like Cinderella right now and thinks I am the evil stepsister.
I had $400K in cash. No revolving debt. Two retirement accounts and supported my husband and kids. Well fast forward. I have no cash. No retirement accounts. $70K in revolving debt and no job. I am ruined. I am so traumatized and messed up that I can’t function. I just cry. I reach out and no one is there. I am extremely isolated. I want to die. He is living in Mexico and suing me for half the house. He isn’t done with me yet. And I am just two months away from living in a tent. No one cares. No one understands. Everyone thinks that somehow I either deserve this and or it’s my fault. I am done for. I don’t know that I can be helped even if I knew someone who could help me. That’s the story. Sad but true. I wish I were dead.
After a devastating encounter with a sociopath, the most important thing we have to do is stay alive.
We may have lost our money, our homes, our jobs, our health, our self-esteem, our hopes and our dreams, but we cannot lose our selves.
This is basic, but crucial. We cannot die.
Not everyone succeeds at this essential task. Not everyone is able to continue living in the face of monstrous personal betrayal. In these cases, the sociopath truly wins. Dr. Leedom calls it “murder by suicide.”
There is an old adage, “Where there’s life, there’s hope.” When dealing with the aftermath of a sociopath, this is the truth. A sociopath’s goal is always to win, and sometimes to destroy us in the process. When we stay alive, we deny the sociopath’s victory.
We can also start a process that, over time, will enable us to claim victory for ourselves.
It doesn’t seem that way in the blackness of despair as we survey the wreckage of our lives. But as many of us have learned, amid the wreckage we may discover that our broken ideas and beliefs actually needed to be broken and thrown away. We were operating under false conceptions of ourselves, conceptions that made us vulnerable to the predators.
We learn that if we stay alive, we can begin to rebuild our lives, and when we do, we will be living our own truth.
So how do we do it? We keep putting one foot in front of the other. We cry when we need to, then we pick ourselves up and push on. We keep going forward, even though we don’t believe we can.
The road to recovery takes time and patience. It takes recognizing that we may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PSTD). It takes caring about ourselves and being kind to ourselves.
The first step is staying alive.
Please, Lillian, we know your situation is very, very bad. But don’t let him win.
Matt,
OXY is right. We need someone with your depth of understanding and compassion. You would be lethal …..with a smile on your face.
We ‘ll go for that drink – not the bb-que- but you would be impressed with what he did for himself – if you didn’t know how he did it and who he hurt to get it.
It is well over-done – really restaurant quality for a bbque and in a bad neighborhood. Maybe this is why the S ‘s are always so self-defeating. Puts a palace in the middle of a ghetto to sell chicken . He’s got the ideas but ultimately the plan goes awry.
Are s’s known for getting bored with things too?
Everything, including women , seems to have a time limit on it.
newlife08:
Thanks. I’ve started to poke around and see what is out there on the family/matrimonial law front. Problem is going from one legal speciality to another. Legal Aid would love me. Problem is it pays something like 25K here in NYC, and I like to eat. Still, the search has just started.
S’s are definitely known for getting bored with things. Robert Hare says they’re always looking for a fresh “buzz”. Since mine had the attention span of a fruit fly — except when he was trying to bleed me for cash — I’d say I agree with him.
Dear Lillian:
Please, please, PLEASE don’t give up! There are more of us out there like you than you realize. I, myself, have lost my home to my ex-P, many of my dearest possessions, my wonderful dog, and most of my sources of social support due to his smear-campaign. I had to give up being a vegetarian after twenty years so the food I gave my non-veggie kids didn’t go to waste because I couldn’t afford to buy much. For three weeks, I had to live in my campervan with my three kids because I was homeless. I’m $100,000 in debt. He aligned himself with my former ex-P and, as a team, they have made my life a living hell.
The worst he did to me was molest our daughter when she was a toddler. Nobody believed me: not the courts, the police, the social workers. He spun it so I was a bitter, vindictive ex-wife. He still has generous visitation but, fortunately, his bid to obtain full custody failed. But I am always on the alert, always vigilant.
I’m in my forties and I can see now that, unless a miracle happens, I’m going to die poor.
I so badly wanted to give up. I turned to cigarettes and alcohol – at mid-life!! If it wasn’t for my kids, I’d probably have done much harder drugs because I wanted to die, too. I so desperately wanted to give up but couldn’t because of my kids. They, alone, are what saved me.
It all started three years ago and it has been the most painful, difficult journey I have ever had to endure in my life. It’s still not over but I’m still here, plodding on.
And that’s the key phrase here: JOURNEY. The rough part of my journey is over and now I’m just in maintenance-mode (speaking optimistically). It has changed me dramatically. My soul was sucked dry, my value system was turned upside-down (do I kill the P-pedophile or not?!!! And why not?!!!).
I lost myself, the gentle, tolerant, compassionate soft-spoken and shy person that I once was. I grieved that loss as I saw myself transition to someone harder, more cynical, untrusting. But out of those ruins, there have been extraordinary benefits. It seems paradoxical, but I’m much less introverted. I’ve been extremely confident and strong because if I didn’t, I would surely have withered and died. I now CHOOSE my friends, not vice versa.
You are beginning your journey and it will undoubtedly be difficult. But there WILL be salvation at the end IF you focus on YOURSELF. Take care of YOURSELF, always. Meet YOUR needs FIRST. You have been traumatized. If your wounds were physical, you would be in the Emergency ward right now with hordes of people hovering over you, ensuring you SURVIVE.
Think of us at Lovefraud as your Trauma Team. Grief is always a private and personal experience but all of us on this site have experienced the unique trauma sociopaths can inflict. That’s why we’re here. We are reaching out to you to help you understand, help guide you in the darkness you’re currently in. We will be your anchor in turbulent times and you will see that it DOES get better.
(hugs!!!)
this is my first post…
i thought i was going crazy. i thought it was all my fault that he treated me the way he did. partly because i had been in a series of relationships that were similarly abusive, but to a lesser extent. he “just” asked questions, he “just” shared how he “felt” about something… if i shared my emotions (which were usually full of pain, bewilderment, and had started on thoughts of suicide) he’d say something like “laying it on a bit thick, aren’t you?” he was controlling to the point that i could not take showers by myself. i had to dress according to what he deemed appropriate. i could not be in the bathroom by myself for more than 3 minutes (and i am NOT exaggerating! everyone says they think i must be, but he was really that bad!) a rubberband with paint on it that he found in my car was evidence that i was cheating on him while at work! i was no longer “allowed” to take MY OWN car to work–he dropped me off!
he stole money from me on a regular basis. thousands & thousands of dollars–at $20 to $200 intervals, so i don’t even know how much he stole, total. he stole from our daughter. after i got laid off & was on unemployment & a very tight budget (i had to pay all the bills –including my mortgage– he wouldn’t work, wasn’t on any of the bills) he squandered enough money for 2 months’ worth of bills in a single month, overdrawing my accounts. he was buying drugs & video game consoles. i thought i was going to be okay until then. it felt like he punched me in the stomach, i just couldn’t breathe when i saw that i was heading for foreclosure & defaut on all my bills. i would rarely ever even be late on a bill, much less MISS payments. and on top of it–he wouldn’t even leave my house!!! he’s still there–i moved out with our daughter into a room at my mom’s house 3 months ago.
he would ask us to come over so he could see us, talk to me. he kept feeding me lines about going into jobcorps, doing something with his life, quitting drugs. but then when we’d get over there he’d steal from me, take my car, and disappear for hours–to go get drugs i’m assuming. he didn’t care about spending time with our daughter. he does’t care about her safety or well being. he’s trashed the place–kicked in appliances, taken an axe to the wall & floor, kicked holes in the sheet rock, kicked in all the doors. trash & cigarette butts all over the place. knives stashed everywhere–within reach of our toddler!!!
once we were talking on the phone, and he was actually getting VERY angry because no one would give him money (“help him out”) neither me nor his family. he was irate–cussing, yelling (of course he said he was not yelling) and even went so far as to say he was “suffering” because he didn’t have his pot to smoke!! and railed at me for having money but not giving it to him. like he’s entitled to anything that anyone has!
i’m getting divorce papers filed soon. his family has now taken his side & has been calling me names. he has told them that i cheated on him (he was always harping on me doing that & i never did) and that i’m trying to keep our daughter from everyone. he’s apparently convinced them with an over the top “pity play”–crying & everything, at the horrors & abuse *he* had to withstand from *me*
he tries the pity play with me, about how he’ll move out of the house & go live on the street, yada yada… i don’t care anymore. i go between feeling numb, terrified that he’ll do something to me or our daughter, and weeping at what he has already done to me.
his myspace says he’s at the bottom, but then has a huge smiley face.
one thing i’d like to add–
my S knew that a child could be the ultimate weapon against me…
but he didn’t realize that my love for her would come with such huge reserves of strength & perseverance.
because he doesn’t understand the concept of love, he underestimated it.
that is the S’s greatest weakness.
ember halo:
Welcome. Gay, straight, male, female, we have all walked a million miles in your shoes.
The control, the parasitic bleeding, the pity play, the staggering sense of entitlement, the fiscal irresponsibility, the lack of responsibility for his family, the drug addiction, the lack of respect for your property, the lack of work, and last but not least, the smear campaign are all classic sign posts that you have been dealing with a full blown sociopath.
The only weapon and best weapon at your disposal is NC (no contact). Going NC helps you get out of the brain fog and helps you see the steps you need to start taking to free yourself from this creature and get on with your life.
Education is key to freeing yourself. Robert Hare’s “Without Conscience” helps you really understand what you have been dealing with and helps your understand there is no treatment for these monsters. Also, like you, I had been in a series of abusive relationships which culminated with my ex-bf, S (short for sociopath). I never understood how this happened until I read “The Betrayal Bond” by Carnes.
Work your way through the archives, just read the articles. You can go back later and read the threads — there is some really good stuff in there.
In any case, you are in a place of healing. Six months ago when I found this site, I was ready to commit suicide. I somehow found the strength to drive off S and save myself. It hasn’t been easy sledding. I lost my job in February and have been going through some health problems from all the prolonged stress. That said, I actually feel like I’m on the road to recovery and never, ever again being in an exploitive relationship like the one I had with S.
Once again, welcome.
Kickback, I haven’t got to catch up on all posts, I got stuck on Askdr.robert.com re: letters from Sociopaths. THank you for forwarding this site to us.
I feel the knowledge is so empowering ,although frightening at the chilling actions they admit to doing and/or fantasize about doing. Makes me feel stronger as I have more affirmation, and MORE compelling reasons to know we made LIFE SAVING DECISIONS- REGARDLESS OF OUR TRAUMATIC LOSSES to stay the hell away from these maniacs and their kind. This site shows that we are actually among the fortunate that we DIDNT DIE IN THE HANDS OF THESE DYSFUNCTIONALS.
From what I gathered, more affirmation that ANY and ALL of them are capable of any heinous crime known to man. Never UNDERESTIMATE. Even the young, 14 or under are exhibiting alarming homocidal tendencies. Beware and educate others, expecially our children should be the goal.
Peace to all, and to the writer of this blog- Prayers go out to you..
Kickback- RE: Dr.robert.com:
I didnt so much sense the therapist is also an S. I felt he mostly remained unbiased and emotionally detached when responding to the S. Which I am sure is criteria for a therapist and meets protocol. I didnt necessarily agree with his theory that there is no choice in acting on certain behaviors (if I understood that letter fully- maybe I missed his point somehow) . I feel conditions/changes in antisocial deviances are hopeless if we aren’t held accountable for our actions via choices. If we are only victims of our impulses, without any conscious choice to behave the way we do- what makes us different from animals? Theres more to it than just opposing thumbs.
( in referring to animals) I mean primarily insects,reptiles, undomesticated without ability to reason. Unlike Oxy’s asses, Fat and Hairy, whom are inspirational to us all!
Ember Halo (beautiful sign in name),
Welcome to the site. I am new here too. Though I have been in the no contact mode for around 20 months now, so I am not in the immediate shock phase, as you are.
Let me say that NO ONE here will question your story. 3 minutes in the bathroom before intrusion is ENTIRELY real here. We have all been there, one version or the other.
Keep coming back. And read, read , read as much as you can. The more YOU know this is real, the more you will wake from the nightmare.