Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call “Lillian.”
Yes. It happened to me. It took him six years but he left. He left me holding two mortgages in both our names. He left me once I ran out of cash. He left me when I got laid off. I am almost 50 years old and I have nothing. I haven’t heard from him in over a year. He encouraged me to buy a bigger, more expensive house than I would have on my own and came up with half the down. He moved in. Wouldn’t pay anything. Got us a joint account and credit card. I worked. He didn’t even buy groceries. He bought himself a boat after three years of hell as I got angrier and angrier because he just lay on the couch. Then he sailed to Mexico and didn’t come back. His rich widow of a prominent heart surgeon called me one day. He had told her he owned property up here and that he had ended a relationship—which he hadn’t. He got really angry then and cleaned out the joint account of my funds, of course, since there was never any joint about it. He lives in Mexico on his boat and has a house in Oakland. She feels like Cinderella right now and thinks I am the evil stepsister.
I had $400K in cash. No revolving debt. Two retirement accounts and supported my husband and kids. Well fast forward. I have no cash. No retirement accounts. $70K in revolving debt and no job. I am ruined. I am so traumatized and messed up that I can’t function. I just cry. I reach out and no one is there. I am extremely isolated. I want to die. He is living in Mexico and suing me for half the house. He isn’t done with me yet. And I am just two months away from living in a tent. No one cares. No one understands. Everyone thinks that somehow I either deserve this and or it’s my fault. I am done for. I don’t know that I can be helped even if I knew someone who could help me. That’s the story. Sad but true. I wish I were dead.
After a devastating encounter with a sociopath, the most important thing we have to do is stay alive.
We may have lost our money, our homes, our jobs, our health, our self-esteem, our hopes and our dreams, but we cannot lose our selves.
This is basic, but crucial. We cannot die.
Not everyone succeeds at this essential task. Not everyone is able to continue living in the face of monstrous personal betrayal. In these cases, the sociopath truly wins. Dr. Leedom calls it “murder by suicide.”
There is an old adage, “Where there’s life, there’s hope.” When dealing with the aftermath of a sociopath, this is the truth. A sociopath’s goal is always to win, and sometimes to destroy us in the process. When we stay alive, we deny the sociopath’s victory.
We can also start a process that, over time, will enable us to claim victory for ourselves.
It doesn’t seem that way in the blackness of despair as we survey the wreckage of our lives. But as many of us have learned, amid the wreckage we may discover that our broken ideas and beliefs actually needed to be broken and thrown away. We were operating under false conceptions of ourselves, conceptions that made us vulnerable to the predators.
We learn that if we stay alive, we can begin to rebuild our lives, and when we do, we will be living our own truth.
So how do we do it? We keep putting one foot in front of the other. We cry when we need to, then we pick ourselves up and push on. We keep going forward, even though we don’t believe we can.
The road to recovery takes time and patience. It takes recognizing that we may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PSTD). It takes caring about ourselves and being kind to ourselves.
The first step is staying alive.
Please, Lillian, we know your situation is very, very bad. But don’t let him win.
I had to spend eight hours in a row with my psychopath brother today. And I didn’t get hurt or destroyed! ! Simply because I have been returning to this site and making mental notes. Psychopaths are so predictable! Spiritual vampires! I am exhausted but much more in control of my life. Thankyou fellow survivors. I think i am starting to see a tiny crack of light.
Kickback – Thanx for the thumbs up – I have been trying to cope and heal all my life, not just with my X bf P – but like Ox I was born into a family of predators. There is no easy button for any of us….
First things first.
I dont have any words of wisdom, I just want to say hang in there. Its so awful and overwhelming sometimes – the feelings you describe are the same for me.
It feels so frustrating and feels so unjust!
I find it helps at times like that (and it happens on a daily basis) to read as much as you can here, re-mind yourself that this man is a seriously disturbed person, and that no matter what he did,and you gave, you are now FREE.
Its not easy to do but it helps to actively practise shifting thoughts of what you have ‘lost’ onto thoughts where you are now and what you still have.
I find it really difficult.
I have started practising giving all the things I want from others to myself:) I call myself darling and give myself hugs…I am working on being there for me, acknowledging the hurt for myself and giving myself the love and sympathy I deserve…:S
The qualities he used against you, you STILL have, the dreams and the love you had, you still have and are capable of still living and giving… you just need a bit of time.
I wonder – even if he acknowledged what you did for him, would it feel any better?
My s constantly told me that I had saved him. even after the discard he told me how much I had done to improve his life and his home… and do you know what, it didnt feel better to know that.
To know that he DID understand that I had bent over backward for him… and that he STILL wanted to stab me repeatedly in the stomach (metaphorically)… ‘thank you darling blueskies for everything you have done for me, which I am now sharing with someone else, chuckle… what a sucker!’ – it is a bit like that:(
1stThings1st…
First thing… there are no real “rules” with this PROCESS, except to recognize and understand it is a process. That being said, WHATEVER you are experiencing and feeling on any given day should be embraced and allowed BY YOU.
My best advice is something I was unable to to for a very long time, until I went through all the emotions, the phases of so much pain and anger and resentment and such sadness…after I ALLOWED myself to go through all of that I realized I had a choice. I actually had a choice. It was that I could choose and control on my thoughts…at first on a very small limited level…meaning for about five minutes..but I did it…I either got out of house, or picked up a book, or came to LF…but its really unbelievable how we have a choice (after a certain point) of how we go forward…how we handle the triggers…how we decided to End the pain…
The acknowledgment can come from you. You can say to yourself all that is true.. Wow, I did this, and I did that, And I was so wonderful this way and that way. And truly truly acknowledge to yourself and for yourself. It doesnt have to come from anyone else. You can fill the void of his ignorance and immaturity and selfishness of the things he should have done and simply didnt/cant. The point is you are away from him now..free to choose your days, nights, and thoughts. Yes you are hurt, and yes it hurts that he didnt acknowledge, but you can make yourself feel better (you really can) by taking the first step to acknowledge and feel good about yourself – by acknowleding it yourself.
As far as using your best qualities. When I look back, that was something mine really took advantage of and used to the fullest. What I didnt do to protect myself back then were a few things…I didnt let him EARN my best qualities, I just opened the flood gates and gave and gave and gave..helped solve his problems, made calls to his landlord, helped him financially, so much sincerity was given to him from me…but was is truly being reciprocated back to me? NO. In fact there were times I wouldnt even get a thank you…Or there were times he would disappear right after I did something good for him…I took on his problems and worries (WRONG TO DO BTW) while he was out living it up always without a care in the world…All the while I was doing this…he was silently internally hurting me…but I IGNORED the red flags in each and every instance BACK THEN…I didnt have the tools to remove myself that first time he took advantage of my best qualities. The first time he didnt say thank you for the loan, or whatever is respectful and giving and caring in return…that first time I didnt do a damn thing about it – so then there came more and more. HE WAS WRONG, HE MADE BAD CHOICES, HE HAD HIS OWN TOXIC WAYS IN LIFE, and I went along for the ride, thinking I could fix his problems, and that he will snap out of it and treat me well, and respect and acknowledge me.
BUT I HAD TO SNAP OUT OF IT. If I want the respect and acknowledgement and good treatment I deserve – I have to give it to myself first. How ? by not letting others treat me bad and by acting on that red flag and getting away from them if they do it more than once.
I totally understand Endthepains frustration and continual thoughts about him not having to have a job, and no financial responsibility, and being with someone else…BUT…right now thats where she needs to be, to cope, to process…Eventually she will be able to choose to focus her thoughts on WHAT SHE HAS IN HER LIFE TODAY, her son, her job, her health, HER, HER, HER.. She will be able to choose to go forward or stay in this place for however long she needs to.
And let us not forget…as with us when we are struggling day to day…nothing IS EVER WHAT IT APPEARS TO BE ON THE OUTSIDE. We put on our happy faces, or force ourself to get going. I have LearnED that these bad people often carry such godawful burdens deep inside that they just instinctively “ACT” “PRESENT” “APPEAR” on top of the world — for all we know Endthepains new partners son – is rejecting him, or jealous of his time with him Mom, or doesnt like the way he is…and he may be sucking her dry and cheating on her, and in debt, and this new Woman will find out in time what shes dealing with. You see the focus needs to shift on him and his life and what he does and temporarily gets away with – let him go mess up his life – cuz he will – they all do – they have no choice – they are repetitive creatures of habit. BUT WE HAVE A CHOICE – WE HAVE THE GIFT OF KNOWLEDGE AND POWER AND CHOICE – WE HAVE THE CHANCE TO REGAIN OUR STRENGTH AND INNER SELF EVERYTHING- AND LEAVE REAL DUST FROM OUR WHEELS IN THEIR FACE AS WE LET GO AND MOVE ON FROM ONE VERY EXCRUCIATING LIFE LESSON. CHOOSE WISELY…YOUR THOUGHTS, YOURS MOMENTS, YOUR DAYS,…YOU ARE BACK IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF AGAIN. IM GLAD YOU ARE FREE. IM GLAD WE ALL ARE, IM SORRY FOR OUR HURT AND PAIN AND THE PROCESS, BUT IF YOU EMBRACE IT AND FOCUS ON YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE READY – LIFE REALLY UNFOLDS IN YOUR FAVOR WHILE HIS REMAINS THE SAME OLD CHIT…BE DONE WITH THAT.
Dear Blueskies,
While I was writing away my run on sentences and thoughts…you so perfectly summed up everything I was feeling and trying to express. You are getting it too.. you are processing it…and slowly and steadily getting over the hump too. We all are, at our own pace…and we all WILL!!
There will always be a soft spot, filled with numbness and confusion and mixed emotions, good/bad memories of that time in my life with him – but it is in my past like so many other good and bad times and memories in the past 42 years. There will be more to come because Im gearing up to really let go and move on – and this time around Im bringing my protection and excitement with me …me three best friends for life…
Ms. Self-Respect
Ms. Self-Trust
Ms. Self- Love
Mr. Extox – there is absolutely no room for you. The free ride in my life and my head stops here. Your bad choices are much different than mine regarding life…good luck with yours! Mine is getting so much better each and every day!!
Another thing I am doing is practising thinking about the things I gave to him emotionally and spiritually and literally as presents.
Like – have you ever given anyone a present and they’ve appeared to love it but you notice it in the thrift store or the garden heap a week later?
It is upsetting, but its just ‘one of those things’, you shrug and say oh well I gave my present and they didnt like/ want it. That’s it.
I am probably not making myself very clear, but this is a technique that is really helping to turn down the emotional agony when thinking back about things for me.( not always of course)
Hi LTL:)xx
we are writing over eachother:) I will read your post now:) much lovex
oh and I just wanted to say one more thing, there are a couple of songs that I find very theraputic at the moment –
1.) Get Gone by Fiona Apple
2.) Bloody Mother F***ing Asshole by Martha Wainwright.
Singing LOUDLY along to these helps me to direct my anger towards the right place(him) and have a bit of a laugh at myself..:)
also singing at the top of your voice releases anxiety:)
…. so what with the talking to myself (come on darling lovely blueskies) and the singing – my neighbours are a hairs breath away from calling the men in white coats to haul me off to the funny farm;)
BLUESKIES.
Thank.
You.
I am laughing. I am literally belly chuckling from Martha Wainwrights song…the way she segways into the title…the words leading up to it…I couldnt download it fast enough!! As well as Get Gone!!!! Awesome therapeutic song referrals! Hope I will be ok at the gym, cuz I workout to an ecclectic array of my music on my ipod…sometimes Ill be next to a guy or girl on treadmill picking up in cresendo “Somewhere over the rainbow” and then I realize Im louder than the treadmill…or Ill hear an emotional song and be quickly wiping away the tears…or days I need to get out of thoughts – a real fast upbeat pop song….but I hope I wont get thrown out when Im singing Bloody Mother F***ing Asshole over and over again!!!!!!!!! LMAO.. THANK YOU! TOWANDA!
Dear Lillian, Ditto to all the comments above. I would just like to add that sometimes it helps to realize that you were targeted for all your good qualities, and those qualities are what makes life worth living. Even when our trust has been horribly abused, we still have those core values that make us whole.
I am exactly 18 months NC and the sharp, unbearable pain and sense of being untethered from reality has become a distant memory. I am also facing tent city, as my resources have run out, and at my age it has been impossible to find a job, even Home Depot doesn’t want me apparently.
But weirdly, I go to sleep with a big involuntary smile on my face, and wake up worried, but happy. You too will come to the point where just the relief of being out of his grasp and his gaslighting will open a whole new world.
Trust all the survivors here, it does get better.
Persoanlly I feel the experience has made me stronger and more whole. The agony and greif caused me to go way back to find my vulnerabilities, and being alone caused me to work on healing myself, with tender love and attention that truly, no one has ever given me.
And for the other LF’ers familiar with my tale, here is the punch line. He is moving in with another woman (despite being, shall we say bi-sexual).
And she is highly, highly religious. Highly religous. So he is going back to church!. Aaagh…there is no lie they will not entertain, they change persona’s like we change our shoes. I pity the poor woman, and can only wait to see what his hidden agenda is this time. Maybe to look all pious when I take him to court? The pitiful victim? Or she has money, who knows. Thank goodness I no longer care.
Lillian, let your revenge be surviving him and living a whole and happy life. It is something comepletly out of their reach.
Peace to all.