Lovefraud recently received an e-mail from a young man, we’ll call him Kyle, who has just broken up with a woman whom he now believes is a sociopath. Based on the behavior he described, I’d say the guy is right. The woman cheated on him, and when confronted, either downplayed her behavior, said it was none of his business, or verbally attacked him. She had no interest in resolving problems. “Her solution to everything was to run, wait awhile, and then pile on affection as if nothing ever happened,” Kyle wrote.
Kyle has been researching sociopathy to try to grasp what is really going on with this woman. Here’s more of his e-mail, which I have reproduced with his permission:
First of all, I don’t believe criminal behavior, monetary fraud, substance abuse, or any other overt signs of social misconduct are primary symptoms of sociopathy. I suppose that’s the big question though… what is a primary sign? My theory is that the sociopath is incapable of developing personal values through the process of induction, meaning they are unable to look within themselves to gain a sense of self-esteem. This results their inability to experience empathy. After all, if one cannot generate a sense of self worth from their own reasoning how can they be expected to relate to others who do?
It seems in every case I have read about, the sociopath is an extravert. I think this is natural as the person must constantly be in contact with others because they find no satisfaction in themselves. Sociopaths also seem to be universally intelligent. (Perhaps these are the factors that differentiate a sociopath from a psychopath. Again, forgive my ignorance on the subject). What results is a charming individual who preys on other people to satisfy an endless hunger for temporary esteem. Because they cannot make sense of the internal values which should be generating this esteem, they simply try to get it from others, essentially reversing cause and effect.
In the end, this system never quite works, so they develop an incredible defense to avoid the fact that every close relationship falls apart. Every interaction is bounded by a series of rules/parameters. So long as the victim stays within these, things run smoothly. However, close human contact results in an emotional trade off that is impossible to control. Normally this is a tremendously good thing: trust, loyalty, and compassion are established. However, these all rely on a person’s sense of self worth, and the sociopath is not able to understand that. Sooner or later the relationship becomes too close and loses all stability. This is the point where the sociopath is “found out.”
In dealing with the woman, I felt a certain childlike quality to her emotions throughout our relationship. Though she was highly developed socially, in a lot of ways I almost felt like I was dealing with a puppy who just killed a small bird in the front yard. I think my mistake was in believing that I would be different. If I held my hand out she wouldn’t bite it. But I think this quality is misleading, as that naiveté is something the sociopath will avoid at all costs. They simply refuse to learn from their mistakes, or even acknowledge them in the first place. It seems to be a rare combination of a highly developed intellect and a poorly developed emotional response.
Perhaps at some point every sociopath learns to guard that core of insecurity at the deepest level and as such cannot even look at that, let alone analyze it and learn from it. In time, they develop an incredibly complex mechanism to guard this, adding another component with each deception. By early adulthood, these deceptions become so many that the cost is just too great to turn back, and it’s just so much easier to keep going that the thought never even crosses their mind.
These people are not normal
Kyle has correctly observed many traits of a sociopath: Criminality, fraud and substance abuse are not necessarily the prime indicators of this personality disorder. Sociopaths do not experience empathy. Sociopaths are extraverts. They are highly developed socially, but emotionally immature. They do not learn from mistakes.
However, his theories on why sociopaths are the way they are suffer from a fatal flaw: They are developed from the perspective of someone who is normal.
The hardest part of understanding what happened during our entanglements with sociopaths is coming to terms the extent to which these people are not normal.
Lovefraud readers have described sociopaths as not human. Aliens inhabiting human bodies. As cold as these descriptions may sound, they’re probably the easiest way to grasp what you are dealing with in a relationship with a sociopath.
So how different are they? Let’s take a look.
What sociopaths want
Normal people want love and harmonious relationships with others. Normal people want to feel competent in some form of endeavor. Normal people want to contribute to the world in some way.
Sociopaths want power, control and sex. Since they do not really value human relationships, they only want to win.
Kyle is correct in stating that sociopaths cannot look within themselves and develop personal values. He is incorrect in assuming that this causes the sociopath distress. Yes, these disordered people are empty inside, and they may be vaguely aware that they are missing something. But most sociopaths do not have issues with their self-esteem. If anything, they are grandiose, and their views of themselves are ridiculously inflated. They feel absolutely entitled to anything that they want, simply because they want it.
Self-esteem and sociopaths
Kyle speculates that sociopaths must be in constant contact with other people because they are trying to borrow self-esteem from others. This is not the case. Sociopaths view people as pawns to be manipulated into giving them what they want. Every social encounter is a potential feeding opportunity, a chance to convince someone to provide something.
Many people, of course, eventually catch on that they are being used, and stop serving as supply to the sociopaths. Sociopaths are aware of this—they’ve experienced it many times. So they are constantly on the lookout for new targets. When one victim is depleted, he or she must be replaced with another.
This leads to the answer to Kyle’s question, which is, “what is a primary sign of sociopathy?” Dr. Leedom has said lying. Steve Becker has said exploitative behavior. Put them together and you can say deceitful exploitation is central to the disorder.
Insecurity and sociopaths
Kyle suggests that sociopaths are insecure and build defense mechanisms to protect themselves from being hurt. By the time they’re adults, these defense mechanisms are so elaborate and complex that sociopaths can’t return to their authentic selves.
Again, he’s trying to interpret the sociopath based on how normal people may cope with personal issues. This is a mistake.
Wikipedia defines insecurity as, “a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless.” Sociopaths probably should see themselves as unloved, inadequate or worthless, but they don’t. They may seem to be exhibiting insecurity, but in reality it’s one of two things:
- Frustration that they’re not getting what they want.
- Manipulation tactics to get what they want.
Sociopaths have no feelings, so there are no feelings to hurt. They can certainly pretend to be hurt, but it is a ruse designed to guilt others into giving them what they want.
Genetic roots
So if sociopaths are not trying to protect their deeply felt insecurities, where does this disorder come from? In most cases, the temperamental traits that lead to sociopathy are genetic. That usually means one of the parents is a sociopath, and sociopaths are notoriously bad parents. If a child is born with the traits, bad parenting can make them develop the full disorder.
But even if a child with the traits gets good parenting, the disorder can develop. Parents who have a child at risk of developing sociopathy need to take extra steps to help the child overcome his or her predisposition, but the parents may not realize it. And in some cases, even the best parenting is not enough to overcome negative genetics.
It is also possible for a mostly normal child who has extremely an extremely bad growth experience—such as being moved from foster home to foster home as a baby—can develop the disorder.
Accept and avoid
Please understand that I am not picking on Kyle. He’s obviously given a lot of thought to his experience with a sociopathic woman, and is trying to understand what happened. He has a reasonably good handle on normal behavior and normal motivations.
His letter simply provided me with an opportunity to illustrate that what we know and understand about normal human behavior simply does not apply to sociopaths. Thank you, Kyle, for allowing me to quote you.
In the end, we may not be able to truly comprehend sociopaths. The way they go through life is just too foreign to our natures. We must simply accept that they are very, very different from us, learn to recognize the symptoms, and if we see them, run for the hills.
I’m an early riser. (I’ve been up since 4:30.) If I had seen a flying saucer while taking the dog out this morning, you had better believe I’d only tell a few select friends. I have no desire to be viewed as a lunatic or an idiot.
What about Sociopaths? By some estimates, 9% of the population suffers from some type of cluster B personality disorder. Even if the rate is much smaller, everyone has had dealings with them, and yet we don’t dare admit it too loudly. Encounters with sociopaths are like UFO sitings in this respect.
With so many cluster B personality disordered people in our population, how can popular psychology cling to a word view that pretends them away? Why are those of us who are honest enough to try to report our experiences struggling for language and meaning? It’s as if we were dealing with a new or rare phenomenon.
I really empathize with Kyle.
In each encounter with an N/P/S, I’ve strived to make sense of the contrast between what I’ve been taught about human nature and what I’ve seen in the N/P/S. How could they act the way they do, yet still have the hopes and needs ascribed to all human beings? What could I do, but torture the data to fit the accepted paradigm?
Without a working model of sociopathy, there’s a huge disconnect between what we experience in the N/P/S, and what we have been taught is germane to the human psyche. We may as well be encountering UFOs, fairies or ghosts as N/P/Ss. We’d receive the same quality and quantity of scientific insight to help us understand our experience.
“Again learning and knowing all a part of growing”
Each time I come to a point of an understanding of my ex s/p. I lose that thought process because I think like a normal person when applying these same principles and factors to her.
Each time I come to believe in a feeling or emotional state of being, I again lose that emotional belief for her when I compare that to my ex s/p because I feel like a normal person.
Each stage of my life whenever I try to apply it with expectations to my ex s/p I become disappointed because I live an natural normal life. And understand and accept this normal process of natural living.
I have now come to a part of my life that I have stop trying to apply understand feel and expect what happens to me will also apply and happen to my ex s/p because I will always see and understand these things through the viewing of “normal eyes”.
I have accepted my self for who I am and must accept my ex s/p for who she is…
Good morning Elizabeth Conley!
I too am a early riser!
🙂
Good Morning James.
Have a great day!
Ditto!
Interesting post – poor Kyle. Really had a number done on him like the rest of us.
I have a question for Donna, and I guess everybody. Donna, at one point in the post you say that Sociopaths “have no feelings.” I’m a little confused. I thought they experienced and catered to their own feelings, but had no respect for the feelings of others.
My ex S certainly seemed to have the feeling of “anger.” He would get enraged, and would describe himself as “angry.” He also did seem cheerful at times. He would laugh, be playful, smile. It seemed like at the very least he was “giddy.”
He certainly seemed frustrated and irritable.
Are you implying that ALL of these seeming feelings were faked?
He talked about “being fearful,” but I think this was bullshit and manipulative. But that anger seemed pretty genuine.
What do people think about Sociopath’s and feelings?
Healing Heart,
When we worry about hurting someone’s feelings, it’s usually in the context of making them feel like they’re being excluded, or that we disapprove of them. I don’t think sociopaths experience this type of hurt feelings.
They do experience anger, rage and satisfaction about getting over on someone. But more subtle emotions that are based on the need to connect to other human beings – I don’t think they feel those emotions.
A couple of quick comments.
I thought Kyle’s letter makes some good points for discussion. Some of his analysis could apply to high level narcissists as well and I think his descriptions and insights are very accurate. Lack of empathy, lying, interpersonal exploitation, needing constant affirmation of who they think they are (image), ongoing deception. This brings me back to re-thinking the question of whether or not the term “sociopath” is overused. I am beginning to think it might be overused and that many are dealing with high level narcissists who will also do illegal things because they think they are entitled to do so.
Judging from everything I have read it seems the high level narcissist is concerned with maintaining an image of himself which parallels much of what Kyle has expressed. The sociopath , on the other hand, does not care about his image in quite the same way, and he does not care what others think of him when he becomes aggressive , violates the law, or harms others.
Regarding feelings, I have noticed moments of an S/N appearing to have feelings……almost like a window that mistakenly gets left open for a moment. What we consider a normal level of feeling seems to leak out for a minute and we are fooled into thinking there has to be more in there somewhere! Whether this is part of their adaptive ability to mimic the level of normalcy they see in others, or whether it is a residue of something real that was not quite snuffed out, I don’t know.
It is fascinating how very hard we strive to empathize with them…and how very much they count on it.
James,
i can relate to all that you wrote and i feel that i have made progress simply because i can evaluate a situation now by looking at it first in terms of how it benefits me or affects me. i guess the nice thing is that i have to deliberately make myself think this way where withe the sociopath it is inate.
HH,
i had the same thoughts as i read the post and i feel that ager is an emotion they feel and it stems from not getting what they want when they want it and usually it is about control and manipulation.
as for other eotions…… like Kyle, when we see or ehear them express themselves we believe it is real, honest, sincere…… yet their longer term behavior is not consistent and much times lags between what we heard and what is proven to be truthful.
in other word…..they say and act in a way that we want so they can manipulate us and by the time we realize what has happened we were already duped, lied to, stolen from. they are emotional and psychological criminals.
i hope this made sense. i dont believe all criminals are sociopaths and there are many who have never been convicted of a crime by law who are potentally more dangerous.