Lovefraud recently received an e-mail from a young man, we’ll call him Kyle, who has just broken up with a woman whom he now believes is a sociopath. Based on the behavior he described, I’d say the guy is right. The woman cheated on him, and when confronted, either downplayed her behavior, said it was none of his business, or verbally attacked him. She had no interest in resolving problems. “Her solution to everything was to run, wait awhile, and then pile on affection as if nothing ever happened,” Kyle wrote.
Kyle has been researching sociopathy to try to grasp what is really going on with this woman. Here’s more of his e-mail, which I have reproduced with his permission:
First of all, I don’t believe criminal behavior, monetary fraud, substance abuse, or any other overt signs of social misconduct are primary symptoms of sociopathy. I suppose that’s the big question though… what is a primary sign? My theory is that the sociopath is incapable of developing personal values through the process of induction, meaning they are unable to look within themselves to gain a sense of self-esteem. This results their inability to experience empathy. After all, if one cannot generate a sense of self worth from their own reasoning how can they be expected to relate to others who do?
It seems in every case I have read about, the sociopath is an extravert. I think this is natural as the person must constantly be in contact with others because they find no satisfaction in themselves. Sociopaths also seem to be universally intelligent. (Perhaps these are the factors that differentiate a sociopath from a psychopath. Again, forgive my ignorance on the subject). What results is a charming individual who preys on other people to satisfy an endless hunger for temporary esteem. Because they cannot make sense of the internal values which should be generating this esteem, they simply try to get it from others, essentially reversing cause and effect.
In the end, this system never quite works, so they develop an incredible defense to avoid the fact that every close relationship falls apart. Every interaction is bounded by a series of rules/parameters. So long as the victim stays within these, things run smoothly. However, close human contact results in an emotional trade off that is impossible to control. Normally this is a tremendously good thing: trust, loyalty, and compassion are established. However, these all rely on a person’s sense of self worth, and the sociopath is not able to understand that. Sooner or later the relationship becomes too close and loses all stability. This is the point where the sociopath is “found out.”
In dealing with the woman, I felt a certain childlike quality to her emotions throughout our relationship. Though she was highly developed socially, in a lot of ways I almost felt like I was dealing with a puppy who just killed a small bird in the front yard. I think my mistake was in believing that I would be different. If I held my hand out she wouldn’t bite it. But I think this quality is misleading, as that naiveté is something the sociopath will avoid at all costs. They simply refuse to learn from their mistakes, or even acknowledge them in the first place. It seems to be a rare combination of a highly developed intellect and a poorly developed emotional response.
Perhaps at some point every sociopath learns to guard that core of insecurity at the deepest level and as such cannot even look at that, let alone analyze it and learn from it. In time, they develop an incredibly complex mechanism to guard this, adding another component with each deception. By early adulthood, these deceptions become so many that the cost is just too great to turn back, and it’s just so much easier to keep going that the thought never even crosses their mind.
These people are not normal
Kyle has correctly observed many traits of a sociopath: Criminality, fraud and substance abuse are not necessarily the prime indicators of this personality disorder. Sociopaths do not experience empathy. Sociopaths are extraverts. They are highly developed socially, but emotionally immature. They do not learn from mistakes.
However, his theories on why sociopaths are the way they are suffer from a fatal flaw: They are developed from the perspective of someone who is normal.
The hardest part of understanding what happened during our entanglements with sociopaths is coming to terms the extent to which these people are not normal.
Lovefraud readers have described sociopaths as not human. Aliens inhabiting human bodies. As cold as these descriptions may sound, they’re probably the easiest way to grasp what you are dealing with in a relationship with a sociopath.
So how different are they? Let’s take a look.
What sociopaths want
Normal people want love and harmonious relationships with others. Normal people want to feel competent in some form of endeavor. Normal people want to contribute to the world in some way.
Sociopaths want power, control and sex. Since they do not really value human relationships, they only want to win.
Kyle is correct in stating that sociopaths cannot look within themselves and develop personal values. He is incorrect in assuming that this causes the sociopath distress. Yes, these disordered people are empty inside, and they may be vaguely aware that they are missing something. But most sociopaths do not have issues with their self-esteem. If anything, they are grandiose, and their views of themselves are ridiculously inflated. They feel absolutely entitled to anything that they want, simply because they want it.
Self-esteem and sociopaths
Kyle speculates that sociopaths must be in constant contact with other people because they are trying to borrow self-esteem from others. This is not the case. Sociopaths view people as pawns to be manipulated into giving them what they want. Every social encounter is a potential feeding opportunity, a chance to convince someone to provide something.
Many people, of course, eventually catch on that they are being used, and stop serving as supply to the sociopaths. Sociopaths are aware of this—they’ve experienced it many times. So they are constantly on the lookout for new targets. When one victim is depleted, he or she must be replaced with another.
This leads to the answer to Kyle’s question, which is, “what is a primary sign of sociopathy?” Dr. Leedom has said lying. Steve Becker has said exploitative behavior. Put them together and you can say deceitful exploitation is central to the disorder.
Insecurity and sociopaths
Kyle suggests that sociopaths are insecure and build defense mechanisms to protect themselves from being hurt. By the time they’re adults, these defense mechanisms are so elaborate and complex that sociopaths can’t return to their authentic selves.
Again, he’s trying to interpret the sociopath based on how normal people may cope with personal issues. This is a mistake.
Wikipedia defines insecurity as, “a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless.” Sociopaths probably should see themselves as unloved, inadequate or worthless, but they don’t. They may seem to be exhibiting insecurity, but in reality it’s one of two things:
- Frustration that they’re not getting what they want.
- Manipulation tactics to get what they want.
Sociopaths have no feelings, so there are no feelings to hurt. They can certainly pretend to be hurt, but it is a ruse designed to guilt others into giving them what they want.
Genetic roots
So if sociopaths are not trying to protect their deeply felt insecurities, where does this disorder come from? In most cases, the temperamental traits that lead to sociopathy are genetic. That usually means one of the parents is a sociopath, and sociopaths are notoriously bad parents. If a child is born with the traits, bad parenting can make them develop the full disorder.
But even if a child with the traits gets good parenting, the disorder can develop. Parents who have a child at risk of developing sociopathy need to take extra steps to help the child overcome his or her predisposition, but the parents may not realize it. And in some cases, even the best parenting is not enough to overcome negative genetics.
It is also possible for a mostly normal child who has extremely an extremely bad growth experience—such as being moved from foster home to foster home as a baby—can develop the disorder.
Accept and avoid
Please understand that I am not picking on Kyle. He’s obviously given a lot of thought to his experience with a sociopathic woman, and is trying to understand what happened. He has a reasonably good handle on normal behavior and normal motivations.
His letter simply provided me with an opportunity to illustrate that what we know and understand about normal human behavior simply does not apply to sociopaths. Thank you, Kyle, for allowing me to quote you.
In the end, we may not be able to truly comprehend sociopaths. The way they go through life is just too foreign to our natures. We must simply accept that they are very, very different from us, learn to recognize the symptoms, and if we see them, run for the hills.
Anyone out there? I woke up feeling so depressed. I haven’t felt this way in awhile. My husband and I have been separated for 2 years now. He left me when our daughter was 11 months old and he took up with his mistress who had his son he always wanted. Our kids are about 9 months apart in age.
I just woke up thinking how could someone do this to me? How could someone do this to anyone? I am at home with his daughter and he is with his mistress. This isn’t fair. I didn’t ask to be a single mom even though even when my husband was here I still felt like one. He did not believe in being hands on with the baby. I wonder if he is hands on with the son he wanted so much.
I wonder if he chose her because she had his son. When the ultrasound tech told us we were having a girl he did not look happy. He has 2 girls and 1 son by 3 different women. His mistress has 3 girls and 1 boy by 4 different men. Children have to go through so much.
I am just pissed that he did this to me and that he is living his life like it isn’t anything wrong. My mom ran into him in the store with that woman’s kids and our daughter. She said it was crazy to see him with a “bunch” of kids. His oldest daughter lives in another state. That is good for her so she won’t have to deal with this.
It is a nice day today in Chicago and I am going to get out but I am just having a tough morning. I feel lonely. I refuse to start dating before my divorce is finalized because legally I am still married. He is taking forever to sign the papers. Just last month he asked to come back home…again. I laughed in his face.
He is so ill. He has jumped from woman to woman without any alone time for 6 years now that I have known him. His relationships will never work doing that. He can’t be alone and he can’t be faithful and honest. I wouldn’t want to be him for anything in the world. I wonder at night does any of this “haunt” him. It’s not normal at all. He portrays this successful man with a new lexus, and a 6 figure job but is he hurting inside? Do sociopaths ever hurt? The things he has done to me since he left have been unimaginable. I need to stop thinking about it because when I do I get so upset.
Dear Nic,
I’m here, seems the blog is slow the last couple of days.
The feelings you are having are so normal, and to be expected. To be left alone with a young child and “discarded” in that way, to feel that he doesn’t care for your child or you (which is true, he doesn’t) is admitting the TRUTH of your situation. But the problem, as you already know in your MIND (but maybe not in your heart yet) is that he does’t care for the other child or his mother either. He is UNABLE to care for anyone but himself.
They don’t hurt like WE do, but they are never really “happy” because they are NEVER SATISFIED with anything. They are always looking across the fence at the “greener pastures” and then when they jump the fence,, they look back and that pasture is “greener.”
Nic, work on healing yourself and taking care of your daughter because there is no way you can do anything for him, the OW or those other poor kids. It sounds like the OW is just as disordered as he is, so it won’t last long anyway even if she is just in the FOG. I do feel sorry for all those children being raised by Ps though.
He is a “lost cause” and the less you can have to do with him the better. If he is doing visitation, you might have someone else hand your child off and pick her up if that is possible so you don’t even have to see him or let him see you.
Keep coming here and reading and learning about these monsters, and go to Dr. Leedom’s sites for parenting the at-riskk children that have a P parent.
It is a nice day here in central Arkansas too, gonna be 70 degrees and partly cloudy so I’m going horseback riding with some friends and one of my sons. Get out and get some exercise and do something good for yourself. ((((hugs))))) It does take time, but this place and the people here have been a remarkable part of my healing and seeing things the way they are, but without all the pain. I know two years seems like forever to you, but keep on working on YOURSELF, that is where we WIN in this “game.” We become better and stronger people in sppite of, or maybe because of, the encounter with the Ps. ((((hugs))) and God bless you.
Hi nic,
You are in a painful and difficult situation and I’m sure thinking about all the details becomes discouraging. Having your husband walk out leaving you with an infant is an overwhelming shock. Enduring the separation for two years while he seems to move on is hard to take. Being alone and feeling alone is tough.
Your soon-to-be X is behaving this way to avoid facing the fact that he is hollow and empty inside. Money does not make the man, character does! He might have a Lexus and a big six figure income, but he will never know anything beyond what money can buy him. He will never be more than the sum total of his material possessions.
When you are finally free of him, you will be able to move on too and create something better for yourself. Going through these lonely days is painful. I hope you can find some peaceful moments today. Eye
Hello Nic:
Your feelings are normal, and I understand. But when you think about him, you’re still thinking, “How could he?” And you’re thinking as if he was a normal person. No normal person could behave like this — that is true. Part of the pain we feel, those of us who come to this site, is that many of us are still trying to figure out “what we did wrong” and “how could he!”
The answer is HE IS DISORDERED in his thinking, his perceptions, in what he chooses to do — think of him as totally crazy with a mask that lets him look sane. While you are trying to figure that out, you may wonder if YOU are sane. Well, he’s the crazy one.
You sound like a caring, responsible person — just the sort that they like to go after. It really is a blessing that he isn’t around all the time. And you really DON’T want him to be involved in raising your daughter. Can you think of her as a precious gift who came to you? and that her father is only an accident that helped her come to life? I raised my own daughter without involving her father, because I recognized what he was and feared for my child. She was curious about him, and when she was grown, she tracked him down and met him. She told me I did the right thing. If she ever refers to him, she calls him “my biological” or “the sperm donor.” My daughter is a loving free spirit, and as hard as things have been at times, I’ve always been grateful that she is in my life.
Perhaps these are different ways of looking at things that might help you. I’ll be thinking of you today.
Thank you so much oxdrover and eye. Your posts were extremely helpful! I read them a couple of times. I know in my heart that this divorce is going to be for the best because my husband is not a good person. I try to tell myself that God put this in my life and at this point for a reason. My husband was spending money frivilously and bouncing checks and he wanted me to try and have another baby so he could get his “son” (even though he already had one with his mistress that I didn’t know about. That is very psycho). Luckily I am not that fertile. We went through fertility to have our daughter. I thank God that I did not get pregnant by this man again.
Eye, you are so right about character making a man not money. My husband had the nerve to ask if my oldest daughter (his stepdaughter) could see him walk across the stage when he gets his doctorate because “they need to see that.” Meaning they need to see a black man get his doctorate. My response was no they need to see you being a responsible father and husband. That is all he cares about is money and power.
Oxdrover, I am lucky that I have a 16 yr. old because when he drops off the baby I send her to the door to get her so I don’t have to see him. I haven’t seen him in a month now! The last time my daughter wasn’t home and I had to see him he asked if we could have sex. And then I guess he would have went home and had sex with his mistress after….yuck.
Thanks again eye and oxdrover. (((hugs)))
Thanks Rune,
I love what you wrote about thinking of my daughter as a precious gift and her dad as an accident that helped her come to life.
nic:
“I didn’t ask to be a single mom even though even when my husband was here I still felt like one.”
I’m not a parent, but I can still relate. During my relationship with S, I never felt more alone, even thought I was in a “relationship.”
That horrible feeling — that you’re with someone, and you should be working together toward a commong goal, yet you’re the one doing 95+ percent of the heavy lifting.
And the returns keep diminishing. I look back at my 15 months with S and how I kept pouring more and more energy into that so-called relationship and getting less and less back.
What makes me most angry at myself, at this moment, is that he’s now out of my life, but I still continue to expend emotional energy on him — which means I’m essentially now in a 100 percent, 0 return relationship. How sick is that?
Nic – THANK GOODNESS you had a daughter and not a son!!!! If you had a son, it would be much more likely that the child would inherit the ex S’s condition. But far less likely that your daughter did! She probably a beautiful little girl who will have a wonderful, loving mother and older sister. Hopefully he will play a minimal role in her life and you can protect her.
Nic, seriously, thank GOD you had a girl. And the son he had with the OW (who sounds very cluster B herself) is not going to grow up to be a good guy. Your daughter is going to be a beautiful child, and that boy is going to be a monster. Thank goodness you are you and not that OW. Their relationship, their household, must be a nightmare.
well, i was laughing last night, but not so much today. now it just hurts.
if his wife is ‘cool’ with his new gf and baby, i wonder if she’s now ready to hear about how he was living with ME the past five years!
i HATE that he just always comes out smelling like a rose no matter how big the crap!
why do they continue to get everything they want and NOBODY stops them?
matt: they have a very serious law of diminishing returns, don’t they. it’s as though the harder you try, the less they do.
LIG – I read the transcript you wrote about your ex S – HIDEOUS! And yes, classic sociopath. At one point my Ex S said he wanted me to eventually be friends with his ex-wife – which was so ludicrous. He was having sex with us both! PLUS – did he really want us to compare stories? They are so stupid, and so impulsive, and to little concern with consequences.
Your guy sounds like a grade A a**hole. I can’t believe he said you were “like a mother” to him. What the hell is that? Did he think that might possibly be interpreted well? What the hell was the mission of that voice message? They are so disordered…so crazy.
I’m sorry you are feeling bad today. It makes sense that you would. Just keep pushing through…keep holding on.
Anyway you might change your phone number? That made a big difference for me? I was putting off doing so because I used the number for my work – but he sent me a hideous text message on Jan 1st (Happy New Year) that took my breath away it was so incredibly cruel. And I changed my number. I think you may use your number for work, too. But maybe change it? I wouldn’t want you to ever receive a voice mail like that last one again.
Changing my number, and knowing that he can’t leave me any more voice mails or text messages has really made me feel better and sped up my recovery. I got worse for a a couple of weeks, and then so much better.
Hang in there, girl! HUGS