Lovefraud recently received an e-mail from a young man, we’ll call him Kyle, who has just broken up with a woman whom he now believes is a sociopath. Based on the behavior he described, I’d say the guy is right. The woman cheated on him, and when confronted, either downplayed her behavior, said it was none of his business, or verbally attacked him. She had no interest in resolving problems. “Her solution to everything was to run, wait awhile, and then pile on affection as if nothing ever happened,” Kyle wrote.
Kyle has been researching sociopathy to try to grasp what is really going on with this woman. Here’s more of his e-mail, which I have reproduced with his permission:
First of all, I don’t believe criminal behavior, monetary fraud, substance abuse, or any other overt signs of social misconduct are primary symptoms of sociopathy. I suppose that’s the big question though… what is a primary sign? My theory is that the sociopath is incapable of developing personal values through the process of induction, meaning they are unable to look within themselves to gain a sense of self-esteem. This results their inability to experience empathy. After all, if one cannot generate a sense of self worth from their own reasoning how can they be expected to relate to others who do?
It seems in every case I have read about, the sociopath is an extravert. I think this is natural as the person must constantly be in contact with others because they find no satisfaction in themselves. Sociopaths also seem to be universally intelligent. (Perhaps these are the factors that differentiate a sociopath from a psychopath. Again, forgive my ignorance on the subject). What results is a charming individual who preys on other people to satisfy an endless hunger for temporary esteem. Because they cannot make sense of the internal values which should be generating this esteem, they simply try to get it from others, essentially reversing cause and effect.
In the end, this system never quite works, so they develop an incredible defense to avoid the fact that every close relationship falls apart. Every interaction is bounded by a series of rules/parameters. So long as the victim stays within these, things run smoothly. However, close human contact results in an emotional trade off that is impossible to control. Normally this is a tremendously good thing: trust, loyalty, and compassion are established. However, these all rely on a person’s sense of self worth, and the sociopath is not able to understand that. Sooner or later the relationship becomes too close and loses all stability. This is the point where the sociopath is “found out.”
In dealing with the woman, I felt a certain childlike quality to her emotions throughout our relationship. Though she was highly developed socially, in a lot of ways I almost felt like I was dealing with a puppy who just killed a small bird in the front yard. I think my mistake was in believing that I would be different. If I held my hand out she wouldn’t bite it. But I think this quality is misleading, as that naiveté is something the sociopath will avoid at all costs. They simply refuse to learn from their mistakes, or even acknowledge them in the first place. It seems to be a rare combination of a highly developed intellect and a poorly developed emotional response.
Perhaps at some point every sociopath learns to guard that core of insecurity at the deepest level and as such cannot even look at that, let alone analyze it and learn from it. In time, they develop an incredibly complex mechanism to guard this, adding another component with each deception. By early adulthood, these deceptions become so many that the cost is just too great to turn back, and it’s just so much easier to keep going that the thought never even crosses their mind.
These people are not normal
Kyle has correctly observed many traits of a sociopath: Criminality, fraud and substance abuse are not necessarily the prime indicators of this personality disorder. Sociopaths do not experience empathy. Sociopaths are extraverts. They are highly developed socially, but emotionally immature. They do not learn from mistakes.
However, his theories on why sociopaths are the way they are suffer from a fatal flaw: They are developed from the perspective of someone who is normal.
The hardest part of understanding what happened during our entanglements with sociopaths is coming to terms the extent to which these people are not normal.
Lovefraud readers have described sociopaths as not human. Aliens inhabiting human bodies. As cold as these descriptions may sound, they’re probably the easiest way to grasp what you are dealing with in a relationship with a sociopath.
So how different are they? Let’s take a look.
What sociopaths want
Normal people want love and harmonious relationships with others. Normal people want to feel competent in some form of endeavor. Normal people want to contribute to the world in some way.
Sociopaths want power, control and sex. Since they do not really value human relationships, they only want to win.
Kyle is correct in stating that sociopaths cannot look within themselves and develop personal values. He is incorrect in assuming that this causes the sociopath distress. Yes, these disordered people are empty inside, and they may be vaguely aware that they are missing something. But most sociopaths do not have issues with their self-esteem. If anything, they are grandiose, and their views of themselves are ridiculously inflated. They feel absolutely entitled to anything that they want, simply because they want it.
Self-esteem and sociopaths
Kyle speculates that sociopaths must be in constant contact with other people because they are trying to borrow self-esteem from others. This is not the case. Sociopaths view people as pawns to be manipulated into giving them what they want. Every social encounter is a potential feeding opportunity, a chance to convince someone to provide something.
Many people, of course, eventually catch on that they are being used, and stop serving as supply to the sociopaths. Sociopaths are aware of this—they’ve experienced it many times. So they are constantly on the lookout for new targets. When one victim is depleted, he or she must be replaced with another.
This leads to the answer to Kyle’s question, which is, “what is a primary sign of sociopathy?” Dr. Leedom has said lying. Steve Becker has said exploitative behavior. Put them together and you can say deceitful exploitation is central to the disorder.
Insecurity and sociopaths
Kyle suggests that sociopaths are insecure and build defense mechanisms to protect themselves from being hurt. By the time they’re adults, these defense mechanisms are so elaborate and complex that sociopaths can’t return to their authentic selves.
Again, he’s trying to interpret the sociopath based on how normal people may cope with personal issues. This is a mistake.
Wikipedia defines insecurity as, “a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless.” Sociopaths probably should see themselves as unloved, inadequate or worthless, but they don’t. They may seem to be exhibiting insecurity, but in reality it’s one of two things:
- Frustration that they’re not getting what they want.
- Manipulation tactics to get what they want.
Sociopaths have no feelings, so there are no feelings to hurt. They can certainly pretend to be hurt, but it is a ruse designed to guilt others into giving them what they want.
Genetic roots
So if sociopaths are not trying to protect their deeply felt insecurities, where does this disorder come from? In most cases, the temperamental traits that lead to sociopathy are genetic. That usually means one of the parents is a sociopath, and sociopaths are notoriously bad parents. If a child is born with the traits, bad parenting can make them develop the full disorder.
But even if a child with the traits gets good parenting, the disorder can develop. Parents who have a child at risk of developing sociopathy need to take extra steps to help the child overcome his or her predisposition, but the parents may not realize it. And in some cases, even the best parenting is not enough to overcome negative genetics.
It is also possible for a mostly normal child who has extremely an extremely bad growth experience—such as being moved from foster home to foster home as a baby—can develop the disorder.
Accept and avoid
Please understand that I am not picking on Kyle. He’s obviously given a lot of thought to his experience with a sociopathic woman, and is trying to understand what happened. He has a reasonably good handle on normal behavior and normal motivations.
His letter simply provided me with an opportunity to illustrate that what we know and understand about normal human behavior simply does not apply to sociopaths. Thank you, Kyle, for allowing me to quote you.
In the end, we may not be able to truly comprehend sociopaths. The way they go through life is just too foreign to our natures. We must simply accept that they are very, very different from us, learn to recognize the symptoms, and if we see them, run for the hills.
Matt: I’m glad you’re part of the crowd here. We need you. If you ever find yourself in that dark place again, remember that we’ve all benefited from your sharing of your story, and your wisdom from so many other aspects of your life.
Ready: Keep that in mind, too. For many of us, our path for healing involves realizing how through our deeper understanding, that came out of our trauma and despair, we are now able to help others, and even our own families.
Rune:
Thanks. That means a lot to me.
I’m hanging on by my fingernails at the moment. I’m sort of vascillating between “just pull the trigger and get it over” and dread about being fired. I’m so tired of them making me feel stupid. Hmmm. Come to think about it, my employers make me feel just like S did.
All I know is that Haagen Daaz and Eagle potato chips could declare dividends for the amount of downing these days.
Matt – One of my clients that pays me a monthly amount has decided I am to exspensive too keep on a monthy basis and want’s too go to a hourly amount – their mistake – my new selfworth is going to blow their mind’s – actually I feel relieved of that clients constant demands and the stress I was taking on..everything happens for a reason Matt – dont give up Hell we are just starting…
Matt: Take the money. Hang in there, and keep on with the job as long as it’s there. Remember, “pride goeth before . . .” and don’t quit ahead of them making a move. Take every last paycheck while you explore your options.
I say this because jobs are getting scarcer. On your resume, no one will ever fault you for losing a job at this moment in history. “Downsized” is a perfectly appropriate answer, and it doesn’t taint your professional credibility.
I’ve written resumes for folks, helped them gloss over the rough spots, helped them get into medical school or the job of their dreams. When I was in the mortgage business, I also helped people recover from months on end of job searching when the jobs weren’t available. So, say “thank you” for each day of work, while knowing that the Universe has something wonderful in store for you.
And I write from my van parked next to a house with wifi, using the power from an extension cord. Thanks to the S/P who targeted me, right now this is my safe haven, and the best I can do. Take the money as long as you can. Money allows you to make choices. And your awareness of the toxic truth of the disordered mind should protect you from thinking that their behavior or criticism has anything to do with your own value. Their actions are merely symptoms of their craziness.
Hang in there as long as it makes sense. By understanding their dysfunction, you can insulate yourself from the power of their actions.
Dear Matt, that was also the advice I got from my best friend I told in december about the mobbing situation: Do not quit before you get a new job. My heart goes out to you, and perhaps the game of “who has the stiffer upper lip” helps us both in our situations? The movie “Life is beautiful” (La vita è bella) comes into my mind when a father and a young son are in the concentration camp and the father interprets all the horrible things as being a “big game” and the first prize would be a tank. In the end of the film the father is dead and the Americans free the camp with tanks. The boy seing the tank says: we have won!
Money = appreciation!
If you can make it there, you can make it everywhere. ;-). And as it has been said on this site THEY are EVERYWHERE. Here you KNOW who they are, you are prepared and aware of them and forewarned. At the new place you have to get to know THEM from scratch. I do not want THEM to win over me. It is like a game now. Let’s show them our teeth armed with a sparkly smile and armed with a beautifully shaped stiff upper lip! Towanda!
Exercise helps a lot, besides Hääged daz. Gets you in better shape and posture, helps with depression, and is a good tool to get rid of extra negative power. I recommend boxing the punching ball.
LIG: what a venomous message, and it seems to be a long lasting venom as well, pulling ALL the triggers he possibly knows of (I do not know how they precisely sniper our heart with hardly visible little scalpel sharp deep dirty bullets). And they DELIBERATELY hurt. It is just too awful. But it is also true for me that when I had some triggers pulled there was more healing to do, usually the very hurting very old dusty dark deep layers in my soul-cellar. Be it clensing of bitterness, lack of self validation, not properly healed scar tissue of the REAL triggers that still hurt.
Maybe the “mother”-issue was a BIG trigger? Grief about not having a child, lost chances, but titled “mother” by the CRAP who was the only one who you would have allowed to become a mother but you also obeyed not to become one as he requested it as you are a decent considerate person, and ultimately now made feeling old?. AND trying to introduce into you the doubting feeling of not being OK as everybody else who is playing “lets pretend”! The feeling of having wasted so much precious time, feelings, life on someone completely worthless. I hardly can find any word of consolation ((((hugs))))
Dear readytolearn: welcome! I am sorry you had to come here, and I am not a mother so I can’t possibly imagine what you are going through. But finding this place is a big first step finding out of the fog, being stabilized again from thge inside and being able to be a stabilizer for your son. (((Hugs)))
libelle:
the ‘mother’ issue wasn’t a negative thing between he and i. but he would pull it out in a negative way if he didn’t want emotional intimacy. who the hell knows?
i hope someone decides to cut this bastard off at the knees. i did, but that doesn’t count because i was nothing to him. just thinking about everything he said makes me ill. he invites the entire ‘hood to his baby shower like he’s some kind of virility king! everyone knows he’s married. everyone knows this is his fourth kid. why on earth do people support his disgusting behavior?
i doubt he will call again. he ‘extended the olive branch’ of friendship to me, then said he figures ‘i can’t handle it.’ am i supposed to handle this? am i supposed to just be friends?
and the sickest part is … why do i feel somehow left out.
Dear LIG, I can so relate to you about the feeling of being left out even knowing it all, knowing it is not good and it is FAR BETTER not to be “member of the pack”. I also feel sometimes a akward feeling in my stomach when I feel being left out by the bullies at the workplace although I know it is far better not to show any interest and minding my own business ONLY. Perhaps this is another thing that has to be healed as well, the feeling of bein “left out”? That I can trust my own feelings and my own sound judgement and stand deliberately on my own and leave the others minding their own sick business? It is so hard, and sometimes I fall back in my old “routine” of being nice instead of just “correct” and I always get some whip on my fingers and it hurts the more the more I long for being part of it. They sense it and punish me whether I take part or not! It is just crazy.
He is definitely not a friend, and the “olive branch” is just another carrot-stick to have his “Chicks in line”. In my imagination I see a circus manager who has his beasts all on their assigned poles. You can be proud of not taking part in his games, they all lift their paws to his signal, roar at his command. A year from now you will hopefully shake your head about the whole thing and how on earth he was able to manipulate you to such feelings. He might have gotten pregnant another beast in his circus, another baby shower to be organized, another hail to the chief, and all applaude.
You MUST NOT handle anything, IMO, and I would also someone like this not keep in my friend’s circle, definitely not. One miserable night like you described, one letter like this you described would have done it for me.
Just stay put and observe the circus from far away or turn your nobel head with disgust from this disgraceful scene (disgraceful for all the participants, especially for the poor “showered” baby). I wish you a peaceful sunday.
libelle:
thanks so much. you’re absolutely right. like a circus. everyone in their assigned place. how incredibly sick.
if i were not so alone i wouldn’t have any feeling of being left out. but strangely, his world is far more interesting and inviting than mine is. chaos vs. silence. i don’t think either is good.
i’m tired of being alone, but i always feel like i impose myself on people; so i just keep to myself. i speak on the phone with friends; all married, coupled, away. but i haven’t had so much as a hug since last june. i find that so incredibly sad.
oh, well. we’ll just keep trekking through this valley and see what’s on the other side. i hope it’s colorful and friendly.
peace to all.
AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! He is texting me that he has cancer and is dying or something! He has been checked for stuff like that before, it runs in his family really bad.
LIG. You are not alone! You have yourself! You can hug yourself! Just try it. Far better than have someone hug you and you are not sure whether he stabs you the next moment in the back or is about to strangle you. And hopefully my cyberhug will travel safely through the fiberglass wire! (((((HUGS)))))