Lovefraud recently received an e-mail from a young man, we’ll call him Kyle, who has just broken up with a woman whom he now believes is a sociopath. Based on the behavior he described, I’d say the guy is right. The woman cheated on him, and when confronted, either downplayed her behavior, said it was none of his business, or verbally attacked him. She had no interest in resolving problems. “Her solution to everything was to run, wait awhile, and then pile on affection as if nothing ever happened,” Kyle wrote.
Kyle has been researching sociopathy to try to grasp what is really going on with this woman. Here’s more of his e-mail, which I have reproduced with his permission:
First of all, I don’t believe criminal behavior, monetary fraud, substance abuse, or any other overt signs of social misconduct are primary symptoms of sociopathy. I suppose that’s the big question though… what is a primary sign? My theory is that the sociopath is incapable of developing personal values through the process of induction, meaning they are unable to look within themselves to gain a sense of self-esteem. This results their inability to experience empathy. After all, if one cannot generate a sense of self worth from their own reasoning how can they be expected to relate to others who do?
It seems in every case I have read about, the sociopath is an extravert. I think this is natural as the person must constantly be in contact with others because they find no satisfaction in themselves. Sociopaths also seem to be universally intelligent. (Perhaps these are the factors that differentiate a sociopath from a psychopath. Again, forgive my ignorance on the subject). What results is a charming individual who preys on other people to satisfy an endless hunger for temporary esteem. Because they cannot make sense of the internal values which should be generating this esteem, they simply try to get it from others, essentially reversing cause and effect.
In the end, this system never quite works, so they develop an incredible defense to avoid the fact that every close relationship falls apart. Every interaction is bounded by a series of rules/parameters. So long as the victim stays within these, things run smoothly. However, close human contact results in an emotional trade off that is impossible to control. Normally this is a tremendously good thing: trust, loyalty, and compassion are established. However, these all rely on a person’s sense of self worth, and the sociopath is not able to understand that. Sooner or later the relationship becomes too close and loses all stability. This is the point where the sociopath is “found out.”
In dealing with the woman, I felt a certain childlike quality to her emotions throughout our relationship. Though she was highly developed socially, in a lot of ways I almost felt like I was dealing with a puppy who just killed a small bird in the front yard. I think my mistake was in believing that I would be different. If I held my hand out she wouldn’t bite it. But I think this quality is misleading, as that naiveté is something the sociopath will avoid at all costs. They simply refuse to learn from their mistakes, or even acknowledge them in the first place. It seems to be a rare combination of a highly developed intellect and a poorly developed emotional response.
Perhaps at some point every sociopath learns to guard that core of insecurity at the deepest level and as such cannot even look at that, let alone analyze it and learn from it. In time, they develop an incredibly complex mechanism to guard this, adding another component with each deception. By early adulthood, these deceptions become so many that the cost is just too great to turn back, and it’s just so much easier to keep going that the thought never even crosses their mind.
These people are not normal
Kyle has correctly observed many traits of a sociopath: Criminality, fraud and substance abuse are not necessarily the prime indicators of this personality disorder. Sociopaths do not experience empathy. Sociopaths are extraverts. They are highly developed socially, but emotionally immature. They do not learn from mistakes.
However, his theories on why sociopaths are the way they are suffer from a fatal flaw: They are developed from the perspective of someone who is normal.
The hardest part of understanding what happened during our entanglements with sociopaths is coming to terms the extent to which these people are not normal.
Lovefraud readers have described sociopaths as not human. Aliens inhabiting human bodies. As cold as these descriptions may sound, they’re probably the easiest way to grasp what you are dealing with in a relationship with a sociopath.
So how different are they? Let’s take a look.
What sociopaths want
Normal people want love and harmonious relationships with others. Normal people want to feel competent in some form of endeavor. Normal people want to contribute to the world in some way.
Sociopaths want power, control and sex. Since they do not really value human relationships, they only want to win.
Kyle is correct in stating that sociopaths cannot look within themselves and develop personal values. He is incorrect in assuming that this causes the sociopath distress. Yes, these disordered people are empty inside, and they may be vaguely aware that they are missing something. But most sociopaths do not have issues with their self-esteem. If anything, they are grandiose, and their views of themselves are ridiculously inflated. They feel absolutely entitled to anything that they want, simply because they want it.
Self-esteem and sociopaths
Kyle speculates that sociopaths must be in constant contact with other people because they are trying to borrow self-esteem from others. This is not the case. Sociopaths view people as pawns to be manipulated into giving them what they want. Every social encounter is a potential feeding opportunity, a chance to convince someone to provide something.
Many people, of course, eventually catch on that they are being used, and stop serving as supply to the sociopaths. Sociopaths are aware of this—they’ve experienced it many times. So they are constantly on the lookout for new targets. When one victim is depleted, he or she must be replaced with another.
This leads to the answer to Kyle’s question, which is, “what is a primary sign of sociopathy?” Dr. Leedom has said lying. Steve Becker has said exploitative behavior. Put them together and you can say deceitful exploitation is central to the disorder.
Insecurity and sociopaths
Kyle suggests that sociopaths are insecure and build defense mechanisms to protect themselves from being hurt. By the time they’re adults, these defense mechanisms are so elaborate and complex that sociopaths can’t return to their authentic selves.
Again, he’s trying to interpret the sociopath based on how normal people may cope with personal issues. This is a mistake.
Wikipedia defines insecurity as, “a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless.” Sociopaths probably should see themselves as unloved, inadequate or worthless, but they don’t. They may seem to be exhibiting insecurity, but in reality it’s one of two things:
- Frustration that they’re not getting what they want.
- Manipulation tactics to get what they want.
Sociopaths have no feelings, so there are no feelings to hurt. They can certainly pretend to be hurt, but it is a ruse designed to guilt others into giving them what they want.
Genetic roots
So if sociopaths are not trying to protect their deeply felt insecurities, where does this disorder come from? In most cases, the temperamental traits that lead to sociopathy are genetic. That usually means one of the parents is a sociopath, and sociopaths are notoriously bad parents. If a child is born with the traits, bad parenting can make them develop the full disorder.
But even if a child with the traits gets good parenting, the disorder can develop. Parents who have a child at risk of developing sociopathy need to take extra steps to help the child overcome his or her predisposition, but the parents may not realize it. And in some cases, even the best parenting is not enough to overcome negative genetics.
It is also possible for a mostly normal child who has extremely an extremely bad growth experience—such as being moved from foster home to foster home as a baby—can develop the disorder.
Accept and avoid
Please understand that I am not picking on Kyle. He’s obviously given a lot of thought to his experience with a sociopathic woman, and is trying to understand what happened. He has a reasonably good handle on normal behavior and normal motivations.
His letter simply provided me with an opportunity to illustrate that what we know and understand about normal human behavior simply does not apply to sociopaths. Thank you, Kyle, for allowing me to quote you.
In the end, we may not be able to truly comprehend sociopaths. The way they go through life is just too foreign to our natures. We must simply accept that they are very, very different from us, learn to recognize the symptoms, and if we see them, run for the hills.
Red Flags.
What I think is important to permanently remember is the red flags. The red flags that we started to see and opened our eyes. The words and the actions that were not going together with the S/P/N. The words that were to get us in the grasp, words of love and desire. Later discovering they were words from an S/P/N. They meant zero.
After the relationship has ended, after we have endured so much pain and disappointment, dreams that we had of a life with them, now being known as a fantasy in our lesson we have learned from the S/P/N. And the fact that we have struggled with someone so bizarre, we have started to move on. We are still very very vulnerable by the confusing messages from the S/P/N. They know this, we were once within their web, grasping to get away from their words or still trying to decifer the twisted words.
Even though the S/P/N appears to have moved on, they now have a new victim which they are subtly giving the same words that will intensify in time to continue their win.
The red flags as we know, are the phone calls after the ending of the relationship, the words to directly cause pain.
They know these meaningless words can bring excruciating pain, or words of undying love to further the pain to brainwash us that we made a mistake by giving them up and the brainwash they have a new love and it is our loss.
The S/P/N’ s desire is to not let us see these as a red flag.
We have a choice. We have learned a very painful reality with the S/P/N. We want to move on and live as we were meant to, realizing this person is very messed up and disturbed.
What we need to do is have a mindset in a new capacity.
Red flags, we saw them, we know them, we know it is a game. Do not further let these red flags affect you in your daily living.
The new Red Flags we should see and realize are the phone calls and the texts. They are a sign to us to further keep going. Save the messages, not listening to them and do not allow the S/P/N to cause you this horrible pain to bring you down so low. You have made it past them, and they still can be attempting to get you back into the web of destruction. They are strong in their destruction. The game is a game we were not taught how to play. This is not living. This is an S/P/N that needs serious mental care.
Remember they are Red Flags. Red flags we will need to see throughout our life whether lookng for a new relationship, or the red flags that come our way with the phone calls to temporarily get us in the grasp. Know this and do not allow this S/P/N to cause you this pain. They are red flags.
Be relieved you are not the new victim. And pray for her.
Do not allow someone to control your mind. You realized there was something wrong with them.
It is a new day. Live the lesson. Love, true love is still out there from family and friends. Grab onto that, that can heal you and the family and friends would be happy to get a call from you. Plan your new life on love, keeping busy with people who love you.
hi everyone, and thanks for your kind words.
i did manage to ‘peel myself off the couch’ and get outside. i do feel better. it’s just another ‘can’t wrap my brain around it’ experience. where do they get their nerve to feel so self-righteous about what they do? and why do so many people gather around them like they’re god? this guy is a walking one-man demolition team!
anyway, i have to get ready for tomorrow. i’ll be fine. i just wish that HIS wake-up call would come sooner, rather than later. he just keeps picking up new victims and leaving devastated ones behind … like that’s the way it should be.
incredible.
LIG: I just backed up to read what happened with your ex. I don’t know if it’s okay to say it here, but WHAT AN ASSHOLE! I can’t believe the nerve of this SOB to even entertain the thought that you should want to go to his baby shower!!!!!! And to call you his mother, etc. What a loser. OMG. Perhaps he will invite you to photograph the wedding too. I HOPE this is the last time you will ever hear from this loser. Then you can finally have some peace. I’m slapping him around in my mind right now. People like this (I use the word “people” loosely) don’t deserve the air they breathe. He is bullbaiting you, pushing every one of your buttons. I hope you don’t give him the upper hand and let him make you feel bad. What a narcissist! I’m sending you a big hug right now.
I know when I got the discard by my ex, it triggered all kinds of inadequacy (I am also older than him). The pain was so unbearable, imagining him going on to play other younger and more beautiful women as he had played me. I felt like I wanted to die. But as HH says, it helped to realize this pain was about me and not about him. That has been the one thing that has helped me disconnect from him. I am still battling with grief and depression, but it doesn’t seem connected to him any more. I don’t know if it makes depression and grief any better. But at least I know if it’s inside of me, I have the chance of healing it. I don’t care who my ex is with now, and what he’s doing. And thank god he’s not rubbing it in my face like yours is, LIG.
Just reading over all the posts for last couple of hours – sometimes I can’t get over how much wisdom there is on this site. It’s really quite remarkable.
And the compassion, too, is incredible. LIG blogs about how much pain she is in, and all these good souls come swooping in to comfort her. This is such a special place. I feel so privileged to be a part of such a wise, loving, and spirited, community.
Eliza,
I can hear that you’re not taking his cancer message too seriously. But I also know that it’s hard to us to turn away from someone in trouble who is directly asking for help and support.
I think that, at some level, you’ve got to be struggling with the principle here. If you turn him away, what does that make you? Or if you turn him away, how do you make a decision next time of whether or not to turn someone away, if they are in trouble and directly ask for your help? What is the principle?
Here is one you can play with in your mind. When you agree to help someone who directly approaches you, you are not just agreeing to do one favor. This is the beginning of a relationship. You have entered that person’s life in some way. And they now know that you care about them, and they will come back to you, especially if their resources don’t include someone like you. So you have to make a decision about whether you want that.
My own litmus test on these things is, first, whether or not this person is doing everything possible to take care of themselves and just needs a little support from the universe to get them over a hurdle. Or if they’re just looking for a way to not change, to just find some free support for a basically unmanageable or fundamentally dishonest or exploitative lifestyle.
And then, if I decide that they’re doing everything they can and just need a slight hand, I decide if I want if I want them and everything that goes with them in my life. Do I have the resources to deal with them, if things go bad for them? Can I emotionally deal with spending time in their world? Can I live with knowing that my help didn’t stop a tragedy? Or do I have enough compassion to be a friend to them, if they’ve got problems that are beyond my ability to cure?
Sociopaths try to convince us that helping is nothing really. Something we can easily afford. It’s not true. Conscious helping is one of the hardest things in the world. We have to stay on top of what we really can afford to do, and live with the knowledge of what we can’t do. And then somehow be a human contact to someone who is in trouble without getting getting in trouble ourselves.
If we’re dealing with someone who is in deep trouble, the chances are that we are going to have to be responsible for a lot of that thinking all by ourselves. Because they are too involved with their own problems to do a really good job of considering ours. Even if they want to. Even if they’re trying to hold onto their own dignity and not become parasites.
And most of us who do this kind of work don’t look for anything out of it, except for the knowledge that we’re making the world a better place. Because the only thing that people in trouble can usually give back is the soul satisfaction of knowing that you’ve done something to leave the world a better place.
So given all that, you can make a decision about your ex and his cancer scare without fearing that you’re doing damage to your own good-heartedness. It’s your job in life to pick your moments of generosity, not to act like a open faucet. It’s not good for the people you help if you let them exploit you beyond your capabilities, and it’s not good for you to make the wrong choices.
These are my principles. I hope you find something useful here.
Kathy
Eliza–
don’t listen to his words.
Think of how much better off we would be if we had never listened to their words– but just gone by our guts and their actions.
You are i the right place.
eliza:
A few hours after I read and responded to your post regarding your ex calling and saying he has cancer, I got a call from my best friend from college. He and I share the same birthday. As a matter of fact, we plan to celebrate it together in Greece this year.
My friend called me to tell me he was diagnosed last Monday with cancer. His doctor misdiagnosed a lump on his neck a year ago and said it was a begnin cyst. Since last Monday my friend has spent this week with cancer specialists, having PET scans. The whole nine yeards. Tomorrow he finds out regarding chemo and radiation.
Needless to say, I was stunned. When I asked him what I could do for him all he said was “Just listen. I need to talk.”
And we did. I will do anything for this friend — and he lives several hundred miles away.
And there was no dramatic “I think I am going to die” a la your S. The most my friend said is “If I surivive this, we are going to have a blow-out birthday on Mykonos.”
I guess, what I’m trying to say is, if your ex is scamming you by playing the cancer card, I am outraged. I am beyond outraged. I am fucking homicidal.
Kathy is right. In my case, I used to be a one-man rescue mission. If someone said “I’m thinking of doing X”, I’d leap into action and research options X, Y and Z.
My rescue instincts reached a level of insanity with S. I’ve said it before — I became his one-man Salvation Army. — ATM, social director, lawyer — you name it. I did it all.
I supported his dishonest and exploitive lifestyle. And I paid in every sense of the word for the “privilege” of doing that.
No more. Now, I need to see concrete proof that the person asking for my help has in fact taken concrete steps to rectify their problem.
Regarding your S, he is his family’s problem. If he does in fact have cancer, then you can then make your decision if and how you want to help him. And if he doesn’t, if ever you needed a reason to deep-six that asshole, this is it.
Kathy:
Thanks for the advice regarding the work situation. I suspect you’re right about me starting on a new life path, but not yet figuring it out. A few hazy germs of ideas have popped into my head the last week or so. Nothing I can even glom onto yet, but there’s something happening.
My brother and a friend told me today “let them pay for the privilege of getting rid of you.” And that’s the policy I’ve adopted.
I realize there’s nothing I can do to change whatever they’re going to do. What I can focus on is taking the steps I need to take to protect myself — open a cellphone in my own name, get my files out of the office, make sure my finances are in order.
I agree, ending the relationship with the S was a harbinger of change. I told a friend today, I feel like I’m a runner stripping down to run a marathon. First I’m taking off the towel, then I’m taking off the running suit. It’s all about travelling light.
Anyhow, thanks to all of you for listening to this rant.
star:
the visual of you ‘slapping him around’ was priceless. ROFL!
i’m doing much better. what i realized is that i try to rationally understand what he does and says. that is when i lose it. because there is no understanding to be had … ever.
once i got that, i felt much better. it’s beyond comprehension.
thanks again to everyone. the down only lasts two days now instead of two weeks! progress. healing. finally. thankfully.
Help, again! I have done something stupid. Late last night I was feeling anger for my husband. I went on his facebook and emailed 3 people from his list and told them that he cheated on me and got the woman pregnant. I felt bad afterward but it is too late.
He called me today screaming at me telling me that he is going to the police and it is harrassment. He told me that he wouldn’t call the police if I apologized to the 3 people I emailed. I went to my police station and told them what I did and they said I have not committed a crime.
I emailed my husband and told him what the officer said. I then wrote that I couldn’t believe he would call yelling at me after what he has done to me during this marriage. I know I keep forgetting he is not normal. I did apologize to him for starting this up again because we have been separated for 2 years and he is living in “la la” land.
How dare he yell at me like he did. He committed insurance fraud while we were married so maybe I should contact the police about that so we can both be investigated! I don’t even know why I apologized to him but I think it is because I have feelings.