Lovefraud recently received an e-mail from a young man, we’ll call him Kyle, who has just broken up with a woman whom he now believes is a sociopath. Based on the behavior he described, I’d say the guy is right. The woman cheated on him, and when confronted, either downplayed her behavior, said it was none of his business, or verbally attacked him. She had no interest in resolving problems. “Her solution to everything was to run, wait awhile, and then pile on affection as if nothing ever happened,” Kyle wrote.
Kyle has been researching sociopathy to try to grasp what is really going on with this woman. Here’s more of his e-mail, which I have reproduced with his permission:
First of all, I don’t believe criminal behavior, monetary fraud, substance abuse, or any other overt signs of social misconduct are primary symptoms of sociopathy. I suppose that’s the big question though… what is a primary sign? My theory is that the sociopath is incapable of developing personal values through the process of induction, meaning they are unable to look within themselves to gain a sense of self-esteem. This results their inability to experience empathy. After all, if one cannot generate a sense of self worth from their own reasoning how can they be expected to relate to others who do?
It seems in every case I have read about, the sociopath is an extravert. I think this is natural as the person must constantly be in contact with others because they find no satisfaction in themselves. Sociopaths also seem to be universally intelligent. (Perhaps these are the factors that differentiate a sociopath from a psychopath. Again, forgive my ignorance on the subject). What results is a charming individual who preys on other people to satisfy an endless hunger for temporary esteem. Because they cannot make sense of the internal values which should be generating this esteem, they simply try to get it from others, essentially reversing cause and effect.
In the end, this system never quite works, so they develop an incredible defense to avoid the fact that every close relationship falls apart. Every interaction is bounded by a series of rules/parameters. So long as the victim stays within these, things run smoothly. However, close human contact results in an emotional trade off that is impossible to control. Normally this is a tremendously good thing: trust, loyalty, and compassion are established. However, these all rely on a person’s sense of self worth, and the sociopath is not able to understand that. Sooner or later the relationship becomes too close and loses all stability. This is the point where the sociopath is “found out.”
In dealing with the woman, I felt a certain childlike quality to her emotions throughout our relationship. Though she was highly developed socially, in a lot of ways I almost felt like I was dealing with a puppy who just killed a small bird in the front yard. I think my mistake was in believing that I would be different. If I held my hand out she wouldn’t bite it. But I think this quality is misleading, as that naiveté is something the sociopath will avoid at all costs. They simply refuse to learn from their mistakes, or even acknowledge them in the first place. It seems to be a rare combination of a highly developed intellect and a poorly developed emotional response.
Perhaps at some point every sociopath learns to guard that core of insecurity at the deepest level and as such cannot even look at that, let alone analyze it and learn from it. In time, they develop an incredibly complex mechanism to guard this, adding another component with each deception. By early adulthood, these deceptions become so many that the cost is just too great to turn back, and it’s just so much easier to keep going that the thought never even crosses their mind.
These people are not normal
Kyle has correctly observed many traits of a sociopath: Criminality, fraud and substance abuse are not necessarily the prime indicators of this personality disorder. Sociopaths do not experience empathy. Sociopaths are extraverts. They are highly developed socially, but emotionally immature. They do not learn from mistakes.
However, his theories on why sociopaths are the way they are suffer from a fatal flaw: They are developed from the perspective of someone who is normal.
The hardest part of understanding what happened during our entanglements with sociopaths is coming to terms the extent to which these people are not normal.
Lovefraud readers have described sociopaths as not human. Aliens inhabiting human bodies. As cold as these descriptions may sound, they’re probably the easiest way to grasp what you are dealing with in a relationship with a sociopath.
So how different are they? Let’s take a look.
What sociopaths want
Normal people want love and harmonious relationships with others. Normal people want to feel competent in some form of endeavor. Normal people want to contribute to the world in some way.
Sociopaths want power, control and sex. Since they do not really value human relationships, they only want to win.
Kyle is correct in stating that sociopaths cannot look within themselves and develop personal values. He is incorrect in assuming that this causes the sociopath distress. Yes, these disordered people are empty inside, and they may be vaguely aware that they are missing something. But most sociopaths do not have issues with their self-esteem. If anything, they are grandiose, and their views of themselves are ridiculously inflated. They feel absolutely entitled to anything that they want, simply because they want it.
Self-esteem and sociopaths
Kyle speculates that sociopaths must be in constant contact with other people because they are trying to borrow self-esteem from others. This is not the case. Sociopaths view people as pawns to be manipulated into giving them what they want. Every social encounter is a potential feeding opportunity, a chance to convince someone to provide something.
Many people, of course, eventually catch on that they are being used, and stop serving as supply to the sociopaths. Sociopaths are aware of this—they’ve experienced it many times. So they are constantly on the lookout for new targets. When one victim is depleted, he or she must be replaced with another.
This leads to the answer to Kyle’s question, which is, “what is a primary sign of sociopathy?” Dr. Leedom has said lying. Steve Becker has said exploitative behavior. Put them together and you can say deceitful exploitation is central to the disorder.
Insecurity and sociopaths
Kyle suggests that sociopaths are insecure and build defense mechanisms to protect themselves from being hurt. By the time they’re adults, these defense mechanisms are so elaborate and complex that sociopaths can’t return to their authentic selves.
Again, he’s trying to interpret the sociopath based on how normal people may cope with personal issues. This is a mistake.
Wikipedia defines insecurity as, “a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless.” Sociopaths probably should see themselves as unloved, inadequate or worthless, but they don’t. They may seem to be exhibiting insecurity, but in reality it’s one of two things:
- Frustration that they’re not getting what they want.
- Manipulation tactics to get what they want.
Sociopaths have no feelings, so there are no feelings to hurt. They can certainly pretend to be hurt, but it is a ruse designed to guilt others into giving them what they want.
Genetic roots
So if sociopaths are not trying to protect their deeply felt insecurities, where does this disorder come from? In most cases, the temperamental traits that lead to sociopathy are genetic. That usually means one of the parents is a sociopath, and sociopaths are notoriously bad parents. If a child is born with the traits, bad parenting can make them develop the full disorder.
But even if a child with the traits gets good parenting, the disorder can develop. Parents who have a child at risk of developing sociopathy need to take extra steps to help the child overcome his or her predisposition, but the parents may not realize it. And in some cases, even the best parenting is not enough to overcome negative genetics.
It is also possible for a mostly normal child who has extremely an extremely bad growth experience—such as being moved from foster home to foster home as a baby—can develop the disorder.
Accept and avoid
Please understand that I am not picking on Kyle. He’s obviously given a lot of thought to his experience with a sociopathic woman, and is trying to understand what happened. He has a reasonably good handle on normal behavior and normal motivations.
His letter simply provided me with an opportunity to illustrate that what we know and understand about normal human behavior simply does not apply to sociopaths. Thank you, Kyle, for allowing me to quote you.
In the end, we may not be able to truly comprehend sociopaths. The way they go through life is just too foreign to our natures. We must simply accept that they are very, very different from us, learn to recognize the symptoms, and if we see them, run for the hills.
I keep saying “Culture”, and sometimes getting “beat up for it”, but I believe that the P like a chameleon must fit into the society to better hide their true self. It would make sense for a P male to be oh, so sensitive, interested, comforting and giving at first. The female P would have to adapt in other ways. Wonder if P’s in other countries give out different vibes and choose different masks to suit their sick agendas.
I think it’s important to remember that the really skilled S/N/P will adapt to survive. If their current victim is a ‘talker’ then, in the initial stages anyway (whilst they’re laying the ‘trap’) they will go along with that. Afterall, to them information is power and while you’re discussing emotions, you are disclosing information and giving them vital clues into your psyche for future use in manipulating you, so they may be inclined to feign that they are ‘open’ in this way to hook you in.
Once they have you ‘all loved up’ and starting to commit to making their needs more important than your own, then they may feel it’s safe to stop wasting energy on this – afterall, they have you now. The work can really begin on you becoming their personal slave to be used in any way they may choose.
Unfortunately, by the time you realise what’s happened to you (because you’ve been viewing them through ‘normal’ eyes), you will probably have become isolated and introverted (family and friendships at a distance – all your previous support network broken down and/or disconnected).
This is the result of ‘viewing them through normal eyes’. It follows a pattern – some people here have had S/N/Ps who DO have the ability to discuss emotions – some don’t – however, those that are capable have just developed this and use it as another mechanism to control.
This is why my policy now is to always turn my back on people at the first sign of criticism – it’s never constructive – as today’s ‘babble’ tells us – it’s always ‘crucifying’. It’s the first red flag in most cases – those little ‘observations’ – translate: put-downs – all those ‘little things’ they you feel obliged to change to fit in with their apparent tolerance levels – whatever their particular reasons for it may be – in my case – the OCD (his) – everything appearing perfect – no tolerance for anything being out of place or less than perfect and the disproportionate reactions and tantrums if someone transgressed (a crumb on a work surface), some debris in the sink – food not being prepared ‘quite to their liking’ – at the end of four years, I couldn’t fry an egg – literally – that’s how shattered my confidence was from all his ‘digs’ and ‘comments’ – funny I’d had a reputation amongst my friends and family prior to that as being, if not ‘excellent’, certainly a ‘more than competent cook’ as well as ‘quite houseproud’- but there’s houseproud and ‘obsessive’ – afterall, a house is a place where people live – there is bound to be evidence of this, surely – it’s a ‘home’ – not a display cabinet! This is just one example of how they introvert, isolate and destroy the self-esteem and, ultimately, the capabilities of their victims – all to gain control.
Until we start to ‘really see’ seemingly ‘innocent’ remarks as a means of control, we will be vulnerable to these half-humans – for me – it’s definitely about ‘noticing’ – I don’t take it anymore and it’s giving me strength to recover.
I always hated criticism – I don’t criticise others – I accept them for who they are – but not to the point anymore of ignoring the fact that certain types of people aren’t just being ‘picky’ they are actually demeaning others in order to either get a sense of superiority for themselves and/ or to ‘minimise’ the other person’s sense of ‘self’ so as to make them vulnerable and dependent on their approval.
In answer to Pinow’s question –
I think certain behaviours are universal in S/N/Ps – certain cultures i.e. patriarchal and/or where there is a very defined class / caste system make this more permissible/acceptable.
Yes, they definitely do ‘adapt’ their behaviour to fit the ‘environemnt’ they are in.
I know someone who’s P/S partner controlled her by telling her she looked ‘trashy’ (this was a very classy lady) so she changed her look and for the whole of the relationship, she started to dress ‘mumsy’ and ‘drab’. His next victim was a different kind of personality and he encouraged her to look ‘sexy’ and wear really short skirts, low tops etc (she hadn’t before). When these two women finally met (both had been financially duped and abused in the course of the relationship), they worked out that what he was doing just all about ‘control’ – nothing really to do with how they looked or dressed – he just got a kick out of being able to ‘dictate’ to these two very strong ladies and have them all worried about whether he would approve or not! Like the ‘little emperor’s approval’ had to be the first consideration! It’s not often on LF that we get to hear about ‘commupance’ but on this occasion he got his – they bandied to together and managed to contact other women he’d conned (there were four that they managed to trace – there were definitely others too) and, while the damage had already been done in ALL cases – at least the women knew it wasn’t them – as he’d had them all believing they’d been the ones who’d messed up the relationship – that’s why S/N/Ps like to compartmentalise their lives – they don’t want to leave a trail behind that anyone can check – they are definitely chameleon-like – it enables them to get what they want, from whom they want, when they want which, AS WE ALL KNOW, is their ONLY CONSIDERATION.
Well – the pendulum swings both ways – KNOWLEGE IS POWER – this isn’t just for use by the S/N/Ps – we must acknowlege this too – it helps us protect ourselves against what seems to be an increasing tide of of disordered human beings – DON’T VIEW THEM WITH A NORMAL EYE -they are NOT normal – they are empty vessels who use others to fill them up – no matter what the cost to the victim and then when they are done and there’s either no more to be had or they are found out, they move on to the next and the next and the next – they are relentless!
Apologies it turned into a bit of a rant – I’m on one today!
Keep posting for strength.
Matt:
I thought you were nearly eight months no contact?
Tilly:
Yup, I haven’t talked to, breathed the same air and hopefully will someday no longer inhabit the same planet as S. Anything I do to get him “sent home” (aka returned to prison) is done passively and through third-party channels.
Escapee, thanks for that EXCELLENT rant.
I’ve gone at the criticism issue from another angle, wanting to “immunize” myself by becoming my own primary source of approval. But I think you’re absolutely right about this issue. Criticism equals manipulation.
Because I’m a consultant, I have to deal with feedback. And often it’s difficult to separate the two things. Feedback can feel like criticism, very ouch-y. But it’s part of my job to figure out what is useful to me in the feedback. What I can learn from it. How it can help me do my job better.
I think that the same thing holds in personal relationships. But good feedback is clearly about the other person’s reality and needs. If someone says to me, “I’m uncomfortable when you do XX, because it doesn’t seem to match our agreement or my needs for YY,” I can work with that. I can see that my behavior is causing a problem. I can understand other other person’s position. And I can make a decision about whether I want to take responsibility, and if so, what I could do to improve the situation.
If someone says to me, “You’re so argumentative,” I don’t get anywhere near the same quality of information. I have to start probing for more data. What that means to them. How it affects their feelings or their ability to pursue their goals. Etc., etc.
But one thing I have learned is that if someone insists on making their problems about me, they are either highly dysfunctional or they have an agenda they’re not communicating. And if it’s an agenda, and they’re executing it by criticizing me, it is pretty much guaranteed to not be good for me. Either they’re trying to get me fired, or to force me into doing something that is outside the agreement, or they’re trying to make me scared for some reason.
Oddly, it’s not much different with compliments in the workplace. I want a good work report from the people I answer to, or who are paying me. But that’s about my performance, not my character. When people start telling me nice things about me to my face, my red flags go up. It feels like I’m about to be manipulated in some way.
My usual response to compliments is to thank them for the support and ask them to tell that to my boss or the CEO. Or turn it into some other practical use. Because I personally don’t need to be told that I’m good, unless it’s attached to a bonus.
Katheen says:.. I personally don’t need to be told that I’m good, unless it’s attached to a bonus.
I respectfully agree AND disagree with you on that.
I agree that if we believe and ONLY rely on outside approval to tell us we are good/ acceptable, then when/if we are told otherwise, then we condition ourselves to believe and rely on others to dictate our worthiness.
OUr sense of self worth becomes become like tumbleweeds, blowing to and fro, not being based on any true reality. (We have all been victimized in this way by the S in our lives)
However, I do like to receive positive feedback from others and do not percieve it a “red flag” especially from those I respect and trust. We need to support and encourage others. I freely give compliments and “kudos” to others out of true sincerety from the heart . I think life throws enough negativity at us, so for those we spend lots of time with- credit should be given when credit is due. Kathy, I feel that you should allow yourself to feel joy and accomplishment when those well intentional folks give you a complimentary “high five”!
Although, on LF, we are all trying our best to be “tuff girls” (and guys), BUT take that compliment!
You deserve it girl ! xoxo
sabrina, thanks for the thoughtful response.
To me, there is a difference between compliments and positive feedback.
As far as compliments go, of course it’s nice if someone says that they think I’m a good person, or something like that. But compliments say more to me about their person and their values, or how well I’m relating to those values, than any fundamental information about myself. I “get it” that it’s an expression of positive feelings toward me. And there are times when I’m feeling low or am struggling with a personal problem that a compliment can serve as a sort of soul vitamin. But I feel the good feelings the other person is sending toward me, more than the content of what they’re saying.
Feedback, however, is meaningful. If someone tells me that something I said, wrote or did had some effect on them or their life, then I feel good. I feel like I accomplished something, that my efforts paid off, and that I’m doing something right. In a way, it’s the same as negative feedback. I learn in either case. But obviously it’s nicer to get confirmation that I’m on the right track or in alignment with the universe or with other people.
I know this sounds terribly intellectual, and not as feelings-oriented as this topic deserves. But I’m trying to describe my own interior processes, and my true wishes in terms of communication. I want to know about you. I don’t need to know about me, except as it affects you. The effects or repercussions of my presence or my actions are how I learn on a moment by moment basis, and how I adjust my “sails.”
The other thing about compliments is a little darker. I don’t agree that other people can judge me. Whether it’s positive or negative. I know that sounds cold. But that’s how I feel. I know who I am and to a large degree I don’t bother naming it. If you see me as nice and that makes you comfortable with me, that’s great. But it’s not about me. It’s about your values and your reactions.
Again, if you’re inclined to say something nice, I read that differently than a compliment. I read it that you have warm feelings toward me. And that’s great. I’m glad to be accepted. Likewise, if you say something negative about me, I read it as I’ve done something outside your comfort zone. And that too is important information. But it’s more about you, than it is about me.
The only part of it that is about me is that it creates a question in me of what I want to do about that. Do I want to edit myself so you are more comfortable, which would be me taking responsibility for your feelings. But we all do that to some degree, in order to interact with people who are not our identical twins. Or do I want to just be myself, and accept the risks that go with being a challenging person?
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. And perhaps I’ve spent too many years studying communications theory. But the net of it is that the only time a compliment, per se, is meaningful is if I need to be reassured about something. For example, if someone tells me I’m a good writer, it rolls right off me. I know I’m a good writer. I’ve been doing it professionally for forty years. But if someone tells me that I look nice at a social event, I treasure it, because I’ve been feeling insecure in that area since I got the sociopath out of my life. The fact that I’m insecure makes me vulnerable, which is something I don’t like, and I’m working on. But there it is.
But if someone tells me I changed their live in the slightest way, or that I’m being helpful (which is why I volunteer to sit on my local planning and zoning board), or that I made any sort of positive difference, that is important and valuable. I can take that to bed with me at night and cuddle up with it like a stuffed bear. It means that my life has meaning. And I am doing something worthwhile. It reverberates through of kinds of levels in my character and values.
I know that many of us here are in need of compliments, because our ego structures have been so trampled and starved for good feedback. So I’m not critical of people who give compliments and I often give them myself. I’m not “against” compliments. It’s just that when I get them, I interpret them in a different way. I feel accepted, and that is very nice. But ultimately, my big interest is whether I’m accomplishing anything. I take my time and efforts seriously, and I really want to know if I’m on the right track.
And I guess, if you want to say, “Oh lighten up, Kathy, just take the damned compliment and enjoy it” I would laugh and say, “Feedback taken.”
Kathy
I can understand why you react the way you do. When you have been controlled /pulled in and out and round-about – one minute you’re the best thing since sliced bread, the next you are the source of every issue/problem (The S says something unnecessary – ususally cutting and nasty – you react to it and suddenly, you’ve spoilt the evening! – I am sure this is familiar to many) – the next day you’re the most perfect, sexy, considerate woman on the planet – THIS IS MANIPULATION. I reckon it takes time to readjust to responding in a normal and gracious way to a heartfelt compliment because your wiring when receiving one has been grossly distorted – pat the dog/kick the dog syndrome.
Whatever way you shake it – it takes time for trust to be restored so that you/one can sort out the wheat from the chaffe – cheap flattery (with an agenda) or a genuine expression of admiration or endorsement. Phew! It’s alot to think about isn’t it? This is what they take away from us – the ability to respond to something and then let it just wash over us. I think, for me, part of the healing is to try, as you so rightly say, to know I am ok about myself so that a real compliment is a nice bonus but not an essential validation of my own esteem.
Thanks for your take on this, it’s helped me to define what I’m about on this one. Now – that’s an endorsement of your input OR you could call it a COMPLIMENT! Whatever, makes you comfortable – I’m am comfortable about saying it! Have I covered all the angles? I don’t know that I will ever see things through what used to be my ‘normal eyes’ again – but maybe that’s not such a bad thing – to ‘think’ a little more about what’s behind people’s words. Perhaps I gave to much power to them in the past and that’s why I allowed myself to continue in an abusive situation for so much longer than I should have. Oh, this learning curve!
I think you are right Kathy, compliments that have meaning to us are the ones about areas of insecurity.
The HORRIBLY ironic thing I realized when the n/p/s came back into my life and then left again…and again…and again…..is that HE is the damn one who CREATED my insecurities when I just turned 16. What he blamed the heartbreaking dump on at 16 was the size of my breasts and the size of my nose. And I have been insecure about those ever since….even though my husband assures me I’ way above average in both areas! Lucky me, my first love was a narcissiopath. No wonder he knew what buttons to push 40 years later. He installed most of them himself, and knew full well where the ones were that my mom installed.
It almost…ALMOST…seems humorous now! 🙂
Oh, thank you, Escapee. You made my day.
I don’t mean to be rigid about this issue. I’m really not.
But this is the core of my thinking. And I’m going to borrow Oxy’s EMPHATIC style for a moment.
NO ONE JUDGES ME BUT ME!!!
And perhaps God. But my belief system puts God in the very center of me. Usually I can feel when I’ve stepped off the path. Maybe it takes me a little time to figure out exactly where and how. And sometimes I need some help. Like some good feedback. When I’m off-center I go looking for help, or get more alert to what I’m getting back from the world around me.
And yes, I agree that our wiring gets distorted by abuse and gross manipulation. I think that what you’re seeing in me is someone with relatively new and untested wiring in terms of human interactions. We don’t talk much here about the work involved in practicing new ways of living, after we’ve really started to revamp some of the characteristics that made us vulnerable and possibly self-sabotaging. But in a lot of cases, we get a kind of big pendulum swing onto the other side before we calm down. (I still remember when I first learned how to say no, and how loud and rigid I was about it.)
So maybe I’m loud and rigid about this issue. (This is me talking to myself, suggesting that there might be some worthwhile feedback in what I’m hearing from you and sabrina.) I’ll think about it.
But meanwhile thank you from the bottom of my heart for that perfectly crafted bit of positive feedback. Your letter helped me too, as did sabrina’s, think I should take another look at this issue. Emotional self-sufficiency is a wonderful thing, but it’s not everything. Gracious acceptance of positive connections is a good thing too. Deep breath. I’ll work on it.
Kathy