Lovefraud recently received an e-mail from a young man, we’ll call him Kyle, who has just broken up with a woman whom he now believes is a sociopath. Based on the behavior he described, I’d say the guy is right. The woman cheated on him, and when confronted, either downplayed her behavior, said it was none of his business, or verbally attacked him. She had no interest in resolving problems. “Her solution to everything was to run, wait awhile, and then pile on affection as if nothing ever happened,” Kyle wrote.
Kyle has been researching sociopathy to try to grasp what is really going on with this woman. Here’s more of his e-mail, which I have reproduced with his permission:
First of all, I don’t believe criminal behavior, monetary fraud, substance abuse, or any other overt signs of social misconduct are primary symptoms of sociopathy. I suppose that’s the big question though… what is a primary sign? My theory is that the sociopath is incapable of developing personal values through the process of induction, meaning they are unable to look within themselves to gain a sense of self-esteem. This results their inability to experience empathy. After all, if one cannot generate a sense of self worth from their own reasoning how can they be expected to relate to others who do?
It seems in every case I have read about, the sociopath is an extravert. I think this is natural as the person must constantly be in contact with others because they find no satisfaction in themselves. Sociopaths also seem to be universally intelligent. (Perhaps these are the factors that differentiate a sociopath from a psychopath. Again, forgive my ignorance on the subject). What results is a charming individual who preys on other people to satisfy an endless hunger for temporary esteem. Because they cannot make sense of the internal values which should be generating this esteem, they simply try to get it from others, essentially reversing cause and effect.
In the end, this system never quite works, so they develop an incredible defense to avoid the fact that every close relationship falls apart. Every interaction is bounded by a series of rules/parameters. So long as the victim stays within these, things run smoothly. However, close human contact results in an emotional trade off that is impossible to control. Normally this is a tremendously good thing: trust, loyalty, and compassion are established. However, these all rely on a person’s sense of self worth, and the sociopath is not able to understand that. Sooner or later the relationship becomes too close and loses all stability. This is the point where the sociopath is “found out.”
In dealing with the woman, I felt a certain childlike quality to her emotions throughout our relationship. Though she was highly developed socially, in a lot of ways I almost felt like I was dealing with a puppy who just killed a small bird in the front yard. I think my mistake was in believing that I would be different. If I held my hand out she wouldn’t bite it. But I think this quality is misleading, as that naiveté is something the sociopath will avoid at all costs. They simply refuse to learn from their mistakes, or even acknowledge them in the first place. It seems to be a rare combination of a highly developed intellect and a poorly developed emotional response.
Perhaps at some point every sociopath learns to guard that core of insecurity at the deepest level and as such cannot even look at that, let alone analyze it and learn from it. In time, they develop an incredibly complex mechanism to guard this, adding another component with each deception. By early adulthood, these deceptions become so many that the cost is just too great to turn back, and it’s just so much easier to keep going that the thought never even crosses their mind.
These people are not normal
Kyle has correctly observed many traits of a sociopath: Criminality, fraud and substance abuse are not necessarily the prime indicators of this personality disorder. Sociopaths do not experience empathy. Sociopaths are extraverts. They are highly developed socially, but emotionally immature. They do not learn from mistakes.
However, his theories on why sociopaths are the way they are suffer from a fatal flaw: They are developed from the perspective of someone who is normal.
The hardest part of understanding what happened during our entanglements with sociopaths is coming to terms the extent to which these people are not normal.
Lovefraud readers have described sociopaths as not human. Aliens inhabiting human bodies. As cold as these descriptions may sound, they’re probably the easiest way to grasp what you are dealing with in a relationship with a sociopath.
So how different are they? Let’s take a look.
What sociopaths want
Normal people want love and harmonious relationships with others. Normal people want to feel competent in some form of endeavor. Normal people want to contribute to the world in some way.
Sociopaths want power, control and sex. Since they do not really value human relationships, they only want to win.
Kyle is correct in stating that sociopaths cannot look within themselves and develop personal values. He is incorrect in assuming that this causes the sociopath distress. Yes, these disordered people are empty inside, and they may be vaguely aware that they are missing something. But most sociopaths do not have issues with their self-esteem. If anything, they are grandiose, and their views of themselves are ridiculously inflated. They feel absolutely entitled to anything that they want, simply because they want it.
Self-esteem and sociopaths
Kyle speculates that sociopaths must be in constant contact with other people because they are trying to borrow self-esteem from others. This is not the case. Sociopaths view people as pawns to be manipulated into giving them what they want. Every social encounter is a potential feeding opportunity, a chance to convince someone to provide something.
Many people, of course, eventually catch on that they are being used, and stop serving as supply to the sociopaths. Sociopaths are aware of this—they’ve experienced it many times. So they are constantly on the lookout for new targets. When one victim is depleted, he or she must be replaced with another.
This leads to the answer to Kyle’s question, which is, “what is a primary sign of sociopathy?” Dr. Leedom has said lying. Steve Becker has said exploitative behavior. Put them together and you can say deceitful exploitation is central to the disorder.
Insecurity and sociopaths
Kyle suggests that sociopaths are insecure and build defense mechanisms to protect themselves from being hurt. By the time they’re adults, these defense mechanisms are so elaborate and complex that sociopaths can’t return to their authentic selves.
Again, he’s trying to interpret the sociopath based on how normal people may cope with personal issues. This is a mistake.
Wikipedia defines insecurity as, “a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless.” Sociopaths probably should see themselves as unloved, inadequate or worthless, but they don’t. They may seem to be exhibiting insecurity, but in reality it’s one of two things:
- Frustration that they’re not getting what they want.
- Manipulation tactics to get what they want.
Sociopaths have no feelings, so there are no feelings to hurt. They can certainly pretend to be hurt, but it is a ruse designed to guilt others into giving them what they want.
Genetic roots
So if sociopaths are not trying to protect their deeply felt insecurities, where does this disorder come from? In most cases, the temperamental traits that lead to sociopathy are genetic. That usually means one of the parents is a sociopath, and sociopaths are notoriously bad parents. If a child is born with the traits, bad parenting can make them develop the full disorder.
But even if a child with the traits gets good parenting, the disorder can develop. Parents who have a child at risk of developing sociopathy need to take extra steps to help the child overcome his or her predisposition, but the parents may not realize it. And in some cases, even the best parenting is not enough to overcome negative genetics.
It is also possible for a mostly normal child who has extremely an extremely bad growth experience—such as being moved from foster home to foster home as a baby—can develop the disorder.
Accept and avoid
Please understand that I am not picking on Kyle. He’s obviously given a lot of thought to his experience with a sociopathic woman, and is trying to understand what happened. He has a reasonably good handle on normal behavior and normal motivations.
His letter simply provided me with an opportunity to illustrate that what we know and understand about normal human behavior simply does not apply to sociopaths. Thank you, Kyle, for allowing me to quote you.
In the end, we may not be able to truly comprehend sociopaths. The way they go through life is just too foreign to our natures. We must simply accept that they are very, very different from us, learn to recognize the symptoms, and if we see them, run for the hills.
justabouthealed,
We were writing at the same time. Yes, isn’t that funny when you get it?
I remember when I was younger, how I struggled with the idea of not caring. It seemed that the things I wanted the most were the things that tripped me up. But I couldn’t figure out the principle.
Buddhism introduced me to the idea of attachments. Actually it was Ken Keyes in “The Handbook to Higher Consciousness,” when he wrote that addictions are demanding that the universe be what we want it to be. Kind of a definition of attachment.
There is a difference between preferring and needing. The more I can shift from the “need” to “prefer” column, the more I can enjoy what’s actually going on, instead of fighting with it all the time.
My first husband once told me that he was mostly attracted to long-legged blondes. Since I was basically a Betty Boop-type brunette, I wondered why he married me. And then I was anxious and jealous around leggy blondes, whether or not he was with me.
Now I don’t care about whether I’m exactly what other people want. It’s not my job. (Unless it is my job, in the sense of getting a business contract.) What I want are vibrant interactions, wherever I find them.
By the way, the cover story on this month’s “Psychology Today” is on jealousy.
And a belated thank you, JAH, for your post about getting what I was talking about in collaboration. That relieves my mind considerably. I knew it wasn’t about blaming the victim, but I just couldn’t figure out how to explain it. When you thought I was blaming the victim, it caused me to think a lot about how I was talking about these issues.
I think there’s some kind of progression of focus in recovery. Before we get angry, we are inclined to blame ourselves, because we’re still thinking we had some control over the truck that hit us. Then we spend time thinking about the truck, finally figuring out that it never would have happened without the truck, and we get mad and highly analytical about what’s around us, and build new boundaries and defensive skills. And after that, maybe as part of that boundary and skills work, we begin to look more at ourselves to see what patterns of belief or behavior may have contributed to the situation. And what we can do about that.
Obviously, this doesn’t relate to your original trauma, as it doesn’t to mine. There was no possible collaboration there. But my belief is that it is these original traumas that are the source of these patterns of belief and behavior that make us vulnerable. We have to resolve them. I think that sometime I want to write about nothing but that, revisiting and changing the meaning of these primal traumas. Maybe not these essays, but a novel or play.
Anyway, thanks for all that. I love the way you make me think.
Namaste.
Kathy
Thanks Kathy, you are very gracious. You make me think too!
I’ve been kind of disgusted with myself because there IS a movie plot in my head. I don’t intend to do anything with it. But what disgusts me is the ending that insists on popping into my head each time. In this movie, we see a woman break free of a high achieving narricissopath. We see her go through therapy, we learn what a betrayal bond is. We see her establish a wonderful life on her own with a wonderful man. But in the ending scene, she picks up the phone and it is the old narricissopath and he just says “Hi Sweetie, it’s me” like nothing has happened, and then we see her expression change to one of soft joy, as she says “Hey you.” and the screen fades to black. Loud groan from the audience.
I hope and pray that is just my love of an ironic and surprising ending, and one that underscores the power these creeps have over us. And that it does NOT represent what would happen to me if he called. But I’ve burned every bridge so totally, and put land mines all around me, and so I really can’t picture him contacting me….I think I actually succeeded in 1) scaring him 2) convincing him *I* am a psycho who will kill him if I ever see him again. 🙂
Nonetheless, I’ve got to get a different ending in my head!
Matt:
“hopefully will someday no longer inhabit the same planet as S. Anything I do to get him “sent home” (aka returned to prison) is done passively and through third-party channels.”
I know it sounds sick, but his is my dream.
You go bro!
Matt:
To be clearer, .ie. to get him sent to prison PASSIVELY thru THIRD party channels and no longer inhabit the same plane. This is genius !
Kathy
The whole jealousy thing has me thinking. I was not a ‘jealous’ type at all. The S certainly acted like he was – I think that this was another mechanism to foist his insecurities on me – the flirting with waitresses in restaurants etc etc, yada yada – I’m sure you know the drill. I found it irritating and embarrassing but what got my hackles up was that if I’d have done this, he would have jumped all over me – taking issue and causing a row that would have lasted into the early hours I am sure (as with other ‘issues’ surrounding such things as my ex husband coming to the house to see his children). I never gave him cause to be jealous – I’m not really the flirty type and would never be so disrespectful of a partner and had no inclination to engage the attention of other men. However, the point I am coming to, it was as though he was ‘provoking’ me into displaying ‘jealousy’ and then, of course, being all wide eyed and making out I was unreasonable for pointing out that his behaviour made me ‘uncomforable’ and feel ‘insulted’. I found it really annoying when he said in a very smug and self-satisfied way “well you’ve always been a ‘little’ bit jealous darling haven’t you?” (patronising git). NO is the answer but he wanted a reaction didn’t he? Is all that ‘twisting’ and ‘skewing’ part of what gives them pleasure or is it the end result (as they see it)? Makes me think now that he wasn’t THAT cute and interpreting reactions – he couldn’t really ‘read’ anything or anyone at all.
Am I giving too much thought to this?
Just curious to know anyone else’s experiences/take on this one.
thanks.
justabouthealed,
Yesterday, I was looking for some papers and ran into my journal from the first year I was with my ex-S. It was amazing to read this, and realize that I saw everything right from the very beginning. I knew what he was. I knew what I was. But I couldn’t hook up all the connections, and change what was happening.
I wrote this one month after we became sexually involved. About six months after I first knew him. He was already sleeping with other women. He was already distancing emotionally. And I was already suffering.
“His peculiar seduction was that he always gave me more than I’d already determined I should have. Gave it at work. Gave it in our conversations. It must have flattered me, while allowing me to become more and more accustomed to his attention, approval, and sweet and twisted charm. It was like falling in love with a retired boy hooker. Hell, it was exactly that. Always I felt like I was being worked. But half of me felt like it was all he had to offer and half of me just enjoyed the show. He was brilliant, making jokes, quoting books to support his arguments, pouting and posing, listening to me and telling me how smart I was, rubbing my shoulders.”
I wrote a mutual friend last night, the Buddhist friend who helped me so much through my recovery, to talk about how easy it was to fall in love with him. And how the only way I could get free was to find my own reality and hold onto it like a lifesaver. Kind or not. Right or not. Whether or not it was the reality that I wanted to live with forever. I had to make this about me not him. Because if I ever let him into my space again, I was afraid it would all become about him again.
Everything about him that I loved, I had to find it in me. It might not be as fabulous or well-developed as it was in him. But it was mine, and if I loved it, it would evolve. And the difference between finding it in me and finding it in him was crucial. Because one of us loved me and cared whether I survived. And the other one didn’t.
That’s a big part of what I mean about learning from them. This power he had over me was my own need for what I saw in him. I could borrow it, or I could own it. And the more I own it, the less interested I am in someone who has what I lack. And the less willing to overlook undesirable behavior, because I “need” this completion to my personality.
And one of the most important things I got from him was permission to be a sociopath when I need to be. He might come back. I might even be tempted. He was very, very good. But he could never trust me again.
And oddly enough, that is my best defense. I am trustworthy to people who deserve it. With people who don’t deserve it, well, they get back what they give.
Kathy
I don’t think you are giving too much thought to it, you are having an ah-ha!:) I had the exact same experience, the S/P I knew BEGAN with expressing that he was feeling uncomfortable with my male friends whether they were the father of my children or a loose face book friend…which I adjusted myself to,’ as you do’ not wanting to cause undue pain… Fine. But I guess its natural that you expect that there is going to be some kind of consistency. But no. Getting fooked off with his flirting with waitresses and shop girls, picking up girls on planes, asking for naked photo’s of the girl he met at the bus stop made me the ‘Jealous type’ (wha? but? I never..?Hey? You started this !) I dont know, I cant imagine what pleasure you can get from having someone so over a wheel like that …
I think here is where I go back to trying to understand from a non-S/P perspective … in which case I should throw in the towel…
Goodnight lovely LF-ers xxx
Blueskies
Wow! thanks for this. I did the adjusting. Even took a picture of my daughter and her father off the wall in MY home, because he deemed it inappropriate (why didn’t I just tell him to F*** off?). But you are right – I’m still looking at it from a non-S point of view aren’t I? Of course, from an S point of view, it was the perfect mechanism in gaining control and then ‘kicking the cat’. One rule for him, another for me. I still kick myself for compromising my other ‘healthy relationships’ (my family) – the stupid thing is, even at the time, I totally RESENTED this intrusion – I was still reacting like “well, I’d never do that to you. I’d never ask THAT of you’ – I now see that this was because I AM NOT A SOCIOPATH! This train of thought isn’t coming naturally to me. I HAVE to keep going back to the original concept with each issue that crops up in my head ‘The flaw in viewing a sociopath through normal eyes’.
Thanks good pal. Appreciate your input.
night night. E
Escapee,
I’ve thought about that a lot through the years. Particularly whether he actually knew what he was doing. And I think there are two answers.
One is that they — as well as everyone else — sees the world through the lens of their own internal world. Especially their emotional world. With these people, their lens is very much about resentment, desperation, feelings of loss and entitlement, envy and brutal control. I think what we get from them is a direct reflection of how they think about themselves and how they imagine the world worlds.
So they would naturally be hugely jealous, because both envy and feelings of never having enough are part of their psychology. The unfairness issue is also part of that. Also the verbal abuse. If they don’t control us, then we could take our lives in our own hands again and slip away. They certainly would, if the situation were reversed.
But the use of certain verbal or behavioral cues to control us is, I think, something they learn from us. Just like they learn from us what will work when they’re love-bombing us, they learn from us what will destroy our will when we’re dissatisfied or considering ending the relationship. Their “vocabulary” is primarily what goes on in their own heads. My ex used “I knew I couldn’t trust you” very effectively on me. But they also learn how to talk about emotions from us, although in my experience they’re never really good at it. It always looks like a performance once you grasp that they don’t really mean it.
That doesn’t mean that an experienced or expert N/S/P might not have a sense of what is probably going to work when he first targets a victim. My ex specialized in women with an incest background. There were at least five that I knew of, plus another one who came from a less violent but still abusive family background. So he knew the type. How to get in the door and how to keep us immobilized with alternating love-bombing and abuse.
I think you can make yourself crazy if you try to figure out why he did one thing or another from a non-S perspective. The thing to remember in all of it is that they want to win. And their internal vocabulary is built around that. The faster they can make us feel like losers, the better for them.
Kathy
Thanks for this Kathy.
Like I said to Blueskies, I have to keep reminding myself about the fact that I still look back on things and try to quantify them in terms of how I think. I’ll keep at it! I still get this terrible sense of outrage and injustice – maybe I’ll always just be Pollyanna!
The wanting to win and their internal vocabulary coupled with how they ‘think’ the world works, or how it should work – I hear the words but still find it ‘a mountain to climb’ in terms of the mental leap I have to take – I just can’t get my head round it easily. I don’t think I want to be that far inside their sick heads – I know I have to be aware of it – but RUN RUN RUN has far more appeal for me!
Thanks for all your insights tonight, especially.