Lovefraud recently received an e-mail from a young man, we’ll call him Kyle, who has just broken up with a woman whom he now believes is a sociopath. Based on the behavior he described, I’d say the guy is right. The woman cheated on him, and when confronted, either downplayed her behavior, said it was none of his business, or verbally attacked him. She had no interest in resolving problems. “Her solution to everything was to run, wait awhile, and then pile on affection as if nothing ever happened,” Kyle wrote.
Kyle has been researching sociopathy to try to grasp what is really going on with this woman. Here’s more of his e-mail, which I have reproduced with his permission:
First of all, I don’t believe criminal behavior, monetary fraud, substance abuse, or any other overt signs of social misconduct are primary symptoms of sociopathy. I suppose that’s the big question though… what is a primary sign? My theory is that the sociopath is incapable of developing personal values through the process of induction, meaning they are unable to look within themselves to gain a sense of self-esteem. This results their inability to experience empathy. After all, if one cannot generate a sense of self worth from their own reasoning how can they be expected to relate to others who do?
It seems in every case I have read about, the sociopath is an extravert. I think this is natural as the person must constantly be in contact with others because they find no satisfaction in themselves. Sociopaths also seem to be universally intelligent. (Perhaps these are the factors that differentiate a sociopath from a psychopath. Again, forgive my ignorance on the subject). What results is a charming individual who preys on other people to satisfy an endless hunger for temporary esteem. Because they cannot make sense of the internal values which should be generating this esteem, they simply try to get it from others, essentially reversing cause and effect.
In the end, this system never quite works, so they develop an incredible defense to avoid the fact that every close relationship falls apart. Every interaction is bounded by a series of rules/parameters. So long as the victim stays within these, things run smoothly. However, close human contact results in an emotional trade off that is impossible to control. Normally this is a tremendously good thing: trust, loyalty, and compassion are established. However, these all rely on a person’s sense of self worth, and the sociopath is not able to understand that. Sooner or later the relationship becomes too close and loses all stability. This is the point where the sociopath is “found out.”
In dealing with the woman, I felt a certain childlike quality to her emotions throughout our relationship. Though she was highly developed socially, in a lot of ways I almost felt like I was dealing with a puppy who just killed a small bird in the front yard. I think my mistake was in believing that I would be different. If I held my hand out she wouldn’t bite it. But I think this quality is misleading, as that naiveté is something the sociopath will avoid at all costs. They simply refuse to learn from their mistakes, or even acknowledge them in the first place. It seems to be a rare combination of a highly developed intellect and a poorly developed emotional response.
Perhaps at some point every sociopath learns to guard that core of insecurity at the deepest level and as such cannot even look at that, let alone analyze it and learn from it. In time, they develop an incredibly complex mechanism to guard this, adding another component with each deception. By early adulthood, these deceptions become so many that the cost is just too great to turn back, and it’s just so much easier to keep going that the thought never even crosses their mind.
These people are not normal
Kyle has correctly observed many traits of a sociopath: Criminality, fraud and substance abuse are not necessarily the prime indicators of this personality disorder. Sociopaths do not experience empathy. Sociopaths are extraverts. They are highly developed socially, but emotionally immature. They do not learn from mistakes.
However, his theories on why sociopaths are the way they are suffer from a fatal flaw: They are developed from the perspective of someone who is normal.
The hardest part of understanding what happened during our entanglements with sociopaths is coming to terms the extent to which these people are not normal.
Lovefraud readers have described sociopaths as not human. Aliens inhabiting human bodies. As cold as these descriptions may sound, they’re probably the easiest way to grasp what you are dealing with in a relationship with a sociopath.
So how different are they? Let’s take a look.
What sociopaths want
Normal people want love and harmonious relationships with others. Normal people want to feel competent in some form of endeavor. Normal people want to contribute to the world in some way.
Sociopaths want power, control and sex. Since they do not really value human relationships, they only want to win.
Kyle is correct in stating that sociopaths cannot look within themselves and develop personal values. He is incorrect in assuming that this causes the sociopath distress. Yes, these disordered people are empty inside, and they may be vaguely aware that they are missing something. But most sociopaths do not have issues with their self-esteem. If anything, they are grandiose, and their views of themselves are ridiculously inflated. They feel absolutely entitled to anything that they want, simply because they want it.
Self-esteem and sociopaths
Kyle speculates that sociopaths must be in constant contact with other people because they are trying to borrow self-esteem from others. This is not the case. Sociopaths view people as pawns to be manipulated into giving them what they want. Every social encounter is a potential feeding opportunity, a chance to convince someone to provide something.
Many people, of course, eventually catch on that they are being used, and stop serving as supply to the sociopaths. Sociopaths are aware of this—they’ve experienced it many times. So they are constantly on the lookout for new targets. When one victim is depleted, he or she must be replaced with another.
This leads to the answer to Kyle’s question, which is, “what is a primary sign of sociopathy?” Dr. Leedom has said lying. Steve Becker has said exploitative behavior. Put them together and you can say deceitful exploitation is central to the disorder.
Insecurity and sociopaths
Kyle suggests that sociopaths are insecure and build defense mechanisms to protect themselves from being hurt. By the time they’re adults, these defense mechanisms are so elaborate and complex that sociopaths can’t return to their authentic selves.
Again, he’s trying to interpret the sociopath based on how normal people may cope with personal issues. This is a mistake.
Wikipedia defines insecurity as, “a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless.” Sociopaths probably should see themselves as unloved, inadequate or worthless, but they don’t. They may seem to be exhibiting insecurity, but in reality it’s one of two things:
- Frustration that they’re not getting what they want.
- Manipulation tactics to get what they want.
Sociopaths have no feelings, so there are no feelings to hurt. They can certainly pretend to be hurt, but it is a ruse designed to guilt others into giving them what they want.
Genetic roots
So if sociopaths are not trying to protect their deeply felt insecurities, where does this disorder come from? In most cases, the temperamental traits that lead to sociopathy are genetic. That usually means one of the parents is a sociopath, and sociopaths are notoriously bad parents. If a child is born with the traits, bad parenting can make them develop the full disorder.
But even if a child with the traits gets good parenting, the disorder can develop. Parents who have a child at risk of developing sociopathy need to take extra steps to help the child overcome his or her predisposition, but the parents may not realize it. And in some cases, even the best parenting is not enough to overcome negative genetics.
It is also possible for a mostly normal child who has extremely an extremely bad growth experience—such as being moved from foster home to foster home as a baby—can develop the disorder.
Accept and avoid
Please understand that I am not picking on Kyle. He’s obviously given a lot of thought to his experience with a sociopathic woman, and is trying to understand what happened. He has a reasonably good handle on normal behavior and normal motivations.
His letter simply provided me with an opportunity to illustrate that what we know and understand about normal human behavior simply does not apply to sociopaths. Thank you, Kyle, for allowing me to quote you.
In the end, we may not be able to truly comprehend sociopaths. The way they go through life is just too foreign to our natures. We must simply accept that they are very, very different from us, learn to recognize the symptoms, and if we see them, run for the hills.
A note to Flyspeck–if anything about the guy “makes your skin crawl” pay attention and walk away. Your higher intelligence will speak to you through signals like this. Your lower mind and intellect will trick you into seeing what you want to see. Honor your inner intelligence and save yourself before you get hooked. I bet when you meet a good egg, you will know it on some level. Trust your natural responses, and discard the mind chatter that comes in later trying to talk you into something you know isn’t right for you.
Eyeswide: Such a familiar story. It’s so inconceivable that anyone could REALLY be like that — except they are JUST like that.
Also, NEVER tell them what hurts or makes you sad, because they’ll find every excuse to put that in your face at every turn.
“Are you distracted from your own life by wanting to help others?”
I don’t know. Never thought of it that way.
It gives me a good feeling to be able to help out. Old people on fixed incomes that can’t afford a licensed plummer, electrition…the old guy next door that has a hard time shoveling snow. And then they like to chat because they are lonely. I understand that. I like to teach people how to do the easy things so they can do it for themselves.
I have spent alot of time learning. But then I feel like what good is the knowledge if I don’t use it?
This guy I want to dodge has had open heart surgery. Can’t do much of anything. I feel bad for him. Someday I might be in the same boat. But he HAS to know that there would be no way we could have a relationship. Not a real one of sharing and doing together.
He does seem to know alot. And he is funny. But……….trying to decide on keeping a distance or NC.
I do run into alot of needy people. It’s just hard for me to weed the needy from the leaches until it’s too late.
Dear Flyspeck,
I’m with Rune on this. “Helping” others is sometimes just what we tell ourselves when we are “enabling” others—doing for them what they should do for themselves.
There is some sign in neon on our foreheads that is ONLY seen by the sociopaths/psychopaths and other predators that says “ALL LOSERS APPLY HERE, I WILL BELIEVE YOUR PITY PLOY”
That is why we ATTRACT SO MANY OF THEM.
We feel “bad” if we don’t “help” others—we feel pity for these poor people who are HAPPY TO PLAY ON OUR SYMPATHY AND EMPATHY AND USE US.
THAT’s why you see Ps everywhere—THEY ARE EVERWHERE AND THEY FLOCK AROUND US. Just as a moth is drawn to the light, they are DRAWN to us by some force that let’s them know we are vulnerable.
I had to quit “helping” anyone for a while because it was deteremental to ME. I had to conserve my strength to HEAL MYSELF before I had anything left to give to another, and I had to learn to SET BOUNDARIES without feeling guilty.
Setting boundaries means that you are unwilling to allow another person to INTRUDE on your territory. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO YOUR TERRITORY. (without feeling guilty)
Say for example that someone was “hungry” and you gave them your food, and you went without, and the next day you gave them your food again, and so on, til eventually you had starved yourself to death. AT THAT POINT they move on to another person and you are dead and gone.
Sharing “help” with someone who is trying their best to help themselves is one thing, but GIVING IT ALL TO THEM does nothing but starve you to death.
Learning to set boundaries and say “Look, John, I realize you are hungry, but if you would get a job you could earn the money to buy food. I can’t keep giving you food without starving myself and my children. Sorry, here is a list of places you can get a job.”
Of course JOhn would rather get food from you than to work, and unless you take care of YOURSELF (and children if any) then YOU ARE NOT HELPING THEM, AND YOU ARE HURTING YOURSELF.
I have found that anytime I feel guilty about NOT doing something for someone it is because my old “enabling” tapes come into my head and I hear a voice saying to me “You must do for others at your own expense.”
I am learning to set boundaries and NOT FEEL GUILTY.
It has been 8 or 9 months ago that I first set a hard boundary for some “old family friends” tha tI was attempting to “help” (actually I was enabling them, but I termed it “help”) and they began to take advantage of me, to EXPECT that they could get things from me and that somehow because I was better off financially than they were that I OWED them a place to live.
It was difficult, but I realized they had NO CONSIDERATION for me except to get from me what they could and to abuse my friendship, so I told them they had to leave my farm. (they lived here in their motor home) They were not respectful of me, they had no consideration for me or my needs, and were trying to start to set the rules here in MY HOME. Even me asking them to clean up messes they made was an “IMPOSITION ON MY PART.” When their uncontrolled and dangerous dogs were a real threat to the life of my dog, I was advised that I could just keep my dog shut up in the house so he wouldn’t be endangered by their dogs running loose.
It was only when my dog’s life was in danger that I finally quit my bitching about how they imposed on me, and used and abused me, that I finally set some boundaries and told them that they MUST KEEP THEIR DANGEROUS DOGS UNDER CONTROL or I would kill their dogs. When they did not do that, then I told them they had to leave.
It took me days of crying and guilt trip to finally “set my foot down.” I am glad now I did, and it was a good exercise in setting painful boundaries. The thing is when we set a boundary of “you must respect me and treat me with respect” we MUST BE PREPARED TO LOSE THE RELATIONSHIP. BUT the deal is too, why on earth would you WANT a relationship with someone who treats you poorly?
Why was it so important to me that I NOT “Hurt their feelings” just because they were disrespecting me and my generosity and my being willing to share? Well, I “ain’t lost nothing” except a constant source of guilt, sadness, irritation and anxiety. Now I am learning to put my needs at the top of the list.
Another time not too long ago there was a bad tornado about a mile north of me, one woman’s farm was blown completely away, barns fences etc. and her daughter needed a place to put her horses. My pastures are rented out to a horse breeder, but I talked to the horse breeder and we decided there was a small pen this woman could put her two horses in for a while….but a “while” became “forever” and she came up with one excuse after another for months on end why she couldn’t move her horses. So finally I had to SET A DATE that she had to have them off my farm. I felt guilty but stuck with my date and even loaded and hauled her horses to the new place for her, but I knew I could not take on her horses (which BTW she was not properly caring for and one of them was actually very dangerous to life and limb of anyone approaching it)
Now that I’ve had some “practice” runs, and realized that I am NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR providing aplace to live to anyone, and I am NOT RESPONSIBLE for anyone else’s pets that THEY are responsible for, I am learning to make boundaries and to say NO to requests for “help.”
We had an ice storm (35,000 people are still without power) and a friend’s sister called and wanted to borrow my generator. She lives 2 hours away. I have the generator because I NEED TO PROTECT MY meat freezers etc. so, if we had another storm (not unlikely at all) and I was without power, if I had loaned it to her I wouldn’t be able to retrieve it and MY freezers of meat would ruin.
So, I told her NO and DID NOT FEEL GUILTY.
These are just a few examples of “boundaries” that I have had to set, but each one is getting easier and so ask yourself “Am I RESPONSIBLE for this person? If so WHY?”
Unless the person is your young child, you are not responsible for providing them anything.
Right now, take care of YOU–you are responsib le for taking care of YOU. You OWE it to YOU to take care of YOU. Right now, you are injured and you need to heal YOURSELF before you worry about anyone else. (((((hugs))))))
The more they know about you the more amunition they have to use against you.
If you are happy they have to destroy it. If you aren’t happy then it’s your fault the relationship is crappy.
Mine told me the marriage was over because I didn’t beg hard enough.
I didn’t realize until months after that I shouldn’t have had to beg at all.
Bounderies. That’s what I need to stop feeling guilty about trying to set.
This guy has crossed over them and I FEEL BAD? Yes, I see my messed up thinking now. LOL
There is nothing wrong with me not wanting a relationship with whoever comes along that wants one with me. Just because someone else wants it doesn’t mean I have to also.
I am more messed up than I thought.
Us women are heavily conditioned to wait until a man asks us. So perhaps we give them more credibility and attention when one of them shows up with an interest in us.
February is the traditional month of “Sadie Hawkins Day” — the leap-year day when women were “permitted” to ask a man . . . I think we should celebrate our right to pick and choose and not just be stuck with those who choose us out of the blue. Maybe we need a “Sadie Hawkins Club.”
Dear Rune,
Sign me up as a CHARTER MEMBER!!!! Our battle cry will be TOWANDA!!! (Thank you LIG!)
IN order to join you must want to be an “Uppity” woman (or a guy with good boundaries can join, we are not a “sexist” club!) LOL Really, seriously though, we just need to learn to be ASSERTIVE and that we are responsible for our own welfare and YOU are responsible for YOUR welfare. (that’s the “universal you”)
TOWANDA!!!!!
Why oh why do I still feel that I am supposed to be with him and that there had to have been something I could have done to avoid his discard– I did make him very angry– but my therapist said at the time said it was not a reason for a breakup.
I miss my old life. REmember– if he was bad or mean–I would not have been with him. It was not til I crossed him and his mafia families’ way- I threated to tell his estranged sister that his bro was secretly tape recordeing her in the hospital room where the mom was dying as to frame her for murder!!!!! Evil. Sister was innocent. he then discarded me b/c I said I might call her. Never did- never would have. Was just in shock after hearing what that evil bro was lying about and saying about ME to my guy — it was evil. All lies as to try and get his bro to break up with me. he told his bro I was not good enough for him cuz I did not own a house or make enough money. I am a social worker with old and dying and very sick people. If I had kept my mouth shut when I was in shock– maybe I will still be with him////??? Someone please respond!!! I wish God would.
My friends say he would have discarded me for something else that pissed him off later on. I loved him soooo much you guys. Truly.
His family are notorious evil/alcoholic and vindictive people with tons of money made off of dying people. Athiests to boot.
So- marrying into a fam like that would not have been good or safe on it’s on would it have??? They always considered m an “outsider” .
Us women are heavily conditioned to wait until a man asks us. So perhaps we give them more credibility and attention when one of them shows up with an interest in us.
What is it about me that attracts only freaks? Or am I so oblivious that I do not see the nice guys?
Is it that because nice guys don’t slam me that I don’t notice?
What is NORMAL??? God I wish I knew.