By Peggy Whoever
Today I had an epiphany, certainly my first, and perhaps the only one I shall receive in this lifetime. I consider myself blessed.
I equate this epiphany, an almost supernatural experience, as being akin to what someone on LSD may have experienced, whereby every nerve ending, and the synapses within every cell is felt at a deep sensory level, where there is a oneness and synchronicity within me and outside of me, a oneness with the universe. (No, I have never experimented with drugs!)
I equate this feeling with Abraham Maslow’s study of “peak experiences”. This is a rare moment, sometimes a once-in-a lifetime vision, comprehension, and/or deep level of spirituality. I have the chills although I am not cold, a shivering awareness of truth. This moment left me utterly speechless. (A rare moment!)
I want to make it perfectly clear that this state of forgiveness has been a raging battle within me, an anguishing war that has lasted 1 year, 3 months and 23 days. But today, truly, I have forgiven the sociopath—and consequently I have set myself free.
I wrote him one last letter, below, (which will never be sent). Thousand(s) of hours of study, the help of my friends and family, and finding Lovefraud, has contributed greatly to my comprehension, hence the forgiveness. Today I read about serpents and scorpions, and how “they are what they are” and cannot be otherwise. Likewise, sociopaths “are whom they are” and they predictably do what sociopaths do”¦which is to bleed us dry emotionally, physically, financially, and perhaps most harmfully, spiritually and/or soulfully. The result of forgiving him is that the pain and anger has disappeared within in my own being”¦and subsequently I have regained the strength within ME. In forgiving the sociopath, I have reclaimed my joy and my ability to function normally, fully, and potentially at a much higher level than before.
Dear _ _ _ :
You are forgiven.
Yes, as of this day, this moment in time, I forgive you.
In no way do I condone the choices you have made nor the behaviors you have exhibited.
I deplore the things you have done that have caused extreme emotional pain to many innocent victims.A snake can only be a snake and strike without warning at a moment’s notice. A scorpion will sting. A sociopath is, and always will be, a sociopath.
YOU are missing the essential elements of humanity: love, joy, peace, kindness, compassion, and a conscience. You will never find fulfillment in the materialism and power-mongering that consumes you. You may become the “richest” person or most powerful person on earth, yet you will forever have only emptiness within you.
I feel great sorrow and pity beyond measure for your inability to feel and be fully human. The greatest treasures in life are not measured in gold, nor possessions, but are held within one’s heart. You are very poor indeed.
Your departure, and the resulting obsessing, ruminating, distress, research and investigation has led me on an ultimate journey to the center of my own soul. Forgiving you has brought me to a place of comprehension, great joy, and”¦peace.
Sincere Regards,
Me
I have come to believe that forgiveness is a state of higher consciousness, a higher vibration and an escalated plane in the realm of human existence. Indeed, the sociopaths dastardly deeds of lying, promiscuity, stealing, aggression, embezzling, and a range of unethical and illegal activities—as well as tromping on people’s hearts—has ultimately given me an incredible, life-altering gift that I wish for you, dear Lovefraud friends”¦
The gift of forgiveness.
Blessings and Peace,
Peggywhoever
P.S. I want to thank AlohaTraveler for her friendship, insights and wit during this healing process.
I too remember (it was just last year) when my time came to “forgive”…..
On a sunny warm day I stopped cold in my tracks walking thru my hallway….
Feeling all this hate within me…
Knowing at that moment I HAD to forgive the person who hurt me and many times betrayed me. Who lied to my children and I many many times. The person who verbally abuse my oldest son and I many times. The one that I fear for her immortal soul. The one I loved with all my heart…
Standing but also leaning against the wall in my hall way with my children sleeping. Seize my heart and then I cried out to her and God with deep tears in my eyes and heart. Giving her this one last thing. The only thing I had left too give to both of us…..
Begging God to allow her to found some way to get help and then maybe become a complete person and loving person no matter who she may be with and maybe then not have to pay that price which will surly come someday….
I felt a weight lift from from within me and a peace I seldom feel…
Like a small white dove coming out of me then I released my hand laying on my bear chest and allowed my arms to fall to my side. Then allowed this request and forgiveness to go into the hands of my heavily Father….
I knew by forgiving her I can now also forgive me and allowed God to forgive us both…..
Knowing that only now can I once again join the human race…
Dear Peggy,
Your post is of course very timely, since we have been discussing forgiveness a lot lately on the blog.
Your letter to the P was wonderful!!! It’s a shame he can never read or comprehend it if he could read it.
I too struggled with the “forgiveness” of the psychopaths and their enablers….I still do. I’m not sure mine came as a “peak experience” or so suddenly, but I do know that it lifted a great weight off my shoulders. It has also reinforced that I must maintain NC if at all possible to keep new injuries from cropping up and bringing back the pain.
I also know, because new injuries are possible, I am still vulnerable to being hurt, so there is still some work to be done.
In addition, like James said, I must also FORGIVE MYSELF. I think it is easier to forgive them for being “them” than to forgive myself for being “human” (less than perfect).
I’m Happy for You Peggy.
I’ve got the opposite issue. Forgiving is practically a reflex with me. The S I went minimal contact with is still in contact from time to time. We work in associated ministries, sometimes we see each other in passing.
Yesterday he addressed a question to me, using a nickname for me that I had repeatedly asked him not to use. Turning my head and walking away was hard. I bear him no malice, and I’d love to see his ministry succeed. If only he was capable of being respectful. All his life he’s allienated people with his atrocious behavior. I’m just the last in a long string of frustrated family members, partners, employers, friends and coworkers.
It would be easier if I was angry. I wouldn’t feel so anxious every time he acts out and I walk away in silence. It totally goes against the grain to be unkind to anyone, ever.
I know that he hasn’t accepted responsibility for his previous bad behavior. He’s an expert at rationalizations. It’s clear he plans to go back to the same offensive behavior, just as soon as I’m “over it”. Since there’s no anger to get over, I could easily fall into the trap of being polite and kind. This would expose me to another round of slowly escalating abuse and exploitation.
If I didn’t both understand and feel the danger this man’s personality disorder poses I would continue to indulge him. I can’t afford to. He’s hit women and even beaten them up before. Being around him on a regular basis made me miserable, and made my kids equally miserable. I’ve got to stay tough, but I’m afraid I may not know how.
We are the lucky ones, because we heal and learn in the terms that are important to us. We become better at loving. Better at managing life in a social world. More aware of the risks, but also more aware of who we are and what we need to do to improve our social world.
They get none of that. They are like addicts stuck in their hamster wheels of need and fix. And the nature of their deficiency virtually ensures that they’ll never get out of that rut. If we ever loved them, or if we even imagine that their partial humanity entitles them our social feelings of compassion, it’s almost impossible not to feel sorry for them, while never forgetting how dangerous they are.
That is what I see in Peggy’s letter, and it really touches the same feelings in me. We write these letters for ourselves. There is nothing we can say to them that isn’t interpreted in terms of whether it offers an opportunity for a win or a fix, how they can use it. If there’s anything in the letter that could be interpreted by a third party as evidence against the sociopath, it will probably be thrown away immediately.
But we do it for ourselves. This letter is a record of understanding. Of giving up the struggle to fix what can’t be fixed. Of handing it over to God or the Karma police. Of freedom from the need to try to balance it all ourselves, whether in vengeance or attempts to recover what is well and truly lost. Of letting go.
When I got to this insight, like Oxy, I found it hard to maintain. There are still times I revert to anger and the desire to right the balance. This insight is one that our egos don’t like. It really stops the internal drama. But when I got to this, I was looking to clear my mind from this negativity, from the suffering behind the anger. This insight enabled me to begin practicing thoughts that not only put the sociopath in perspective, but my own role in the relationship as well.
I was vulnerable for my own reasons. I missed the signs, because I wasn’t looking for them. I was dazzled by my own dreams, dished up to me by someone who saw them as a way to use me. So what? I was being being human. Now I know more about the risks of life, and more about surviving and maybe even more about compassion. (Compassion is also the ability to recognize what someone needs, but that I cannot provide it.)
I know I once felt huge relief in finding this insight. But after the process of forgiveness, I am left with a residue of sadness. Love does heal a lot of things. But not for these people. That’s their tragedy, and it’s a tragedy that all of us live with.
EC: I grew up in a deeply religious environment, living and breathing the belief of forgiveness, service, higher power, and so on. This religion permeated every part of my daily life. My divorce, at age 24, from the sociopath I married at 18 (my father, minister, performed the ceremony) propelled me into a questioning of every aspect of my “religious life.” A divorced woman had no place in that church. I left my husband, however, because of the inexplicable emotional abuse, punctuated by his threats to me with his loaded gun (along with countless other small and large power plays). When I divorced, I was so profoundly depressed, I knew I was suicidal, and I “rationalized” my divorce because in my heart I didn’t believe God expected me to exercise the “’til death do us part” exit clause in my marriage contract by either letting him kill me or killing myself.
When I meet someone who is in a religious environment, I can definitely relate, and I know the comfort the society gives to the individual and the benefit of the “ministries,” as you put it. I support you using your compassionate heart to engage in God’s work.
However . . . I caught a serious red flag, because of what I know of sociopaths, both inside and outside of the church. You said, “I bear him no malice, and I’d love to see his ministry succeed.” Elizabeth, he’s a predator — a wolf leading the sheep. From what you’ve described, he’s in that environment precisely because he can gather the vulnerable, and then pick and choose, all “in the name of God.” That’s obscene.
First of all, save yourself and your children. Knowing his true nature — a “Cluster B personality disorder” — you should be aware that he will NEVER learn respect, learn from his mistakes, etc., etc. And he is not a safe person for anyone to be around.
Forgiveness is not the first order of business in your situation. Safety and health are far more important.
Rune,
“he’s a predator a wolf leading the sheep. From what you’ve described, he’s in that environment precisely because he can gather the vulnerable, and then pick and choose, all “in the name of God.”
That’s my analysis, but everyone around me is far more idealistic. I hate to break it to you, but his kind are pretty thick on the ground in ministry. They use our general reverence for the position as cover.
Fortunately, my peers respect my right to keep my distance from him. I’ve been gentle and polite, but firm.
I just know that I’m shooting myself in the foot if I ever waver in my resolve. I’ll be seen as flighty and capricious if I seem to go back and forth on the issue. If I let things slip back into “business as usual” with him, then cry foul when his behavior gets awful again, I’ll look like a twit. That, and I’m not kidding about the real danger he presents. Really and truly, he is a loose cannon.
In order to keep the respect and trust of my peers, I have to walk a fine line. For me, it’s really awkward. I got mad at him briefly (an hour or two), but mostly I’ve been deeply apprehensive. It’s totally un-natural for me to give anyone the cold shoulder.
Back to Peggy’s topic –
There was someone from my youth whom I really resented. He lied in order to get me in trouble. Boy did I hold a grudge. Just thinking about him made my blood boil.
Forgiving him took a very long time, probably about 5 years. I started to try when I realized hating him was only hurting me. His impact on my life really hadn’t been all that severe. I’d simply gotten in the habit of being furious with him. It took a long, long time to break that habit.
PS – the fact that getting out of the habit of hating this individual was so time consuming is one of the factors that has made me more restrained over the past 20 years.
Most of the rest of you have had far more horrific experiences with the cluster Bs. Hatred and resentment are more understandable under your circumstances than mine. I’ve had it easy.
EC: So we agree on his nature. The question is, How can you redefine your life so that you can thrive and not be in this debilitating situation of “playing nice” in order to survive?
I do understand. And it’s part of how “they” coopt us, getting our implicit cooperation through their coercion and noxious influence on others.
Well Rune,
I have the same concerns. Last year he and I went to the same church. The church had a lot of unhealthy interpersonal dynamics. I left. Last year we worked in the same ministry at our church. I withdrew at around Thanksgiving time, citing various family issues.
The only time I have to deal with this issue is in passing at the home school cooperative I work at on Wednesday afternoons, he works at on Wednesday mornings and my kids attend all day. My kids don’t take his classes. He’s the only fly in the ointment.
He’s struggling to manage the ministry I used to pretty much run for him. No one who knows him or caught even a glimmer of what he put me through would take my old job. Every once in a while he asks for help. As long as he’s polite, and understands I don’t own his problem, I’ll give him useful information.
I’m reluctant to give up the home school cooperative just to avoid him. I didn’t give up my church just to avoid him. I gave up the church because it was shrinking fast due to constant dysfunctional drama at the top. Most of the sane people had already left, and I didn’t see much hope for improvement. The kids and I deserved better. Whenever possible, I try to run toward good things, rather than just away from the bad. Our current church is a good fit for us.
In general, I recognize that there are a lot of cluster Bs in the world. I’m not looking to stay away from every organization that tolerates them. I just want to be permitted a reasonable amount of personal space from their worst antics.
To me, there’s a balance to be struck here. Anywhere I go, I will discredit myself if I spend all my time whining about cluster Bs. I’ve gotta figure out how to keep my distance and my dignity.