By Peggy Whoever
Today I had an epiphany, certainly my first, and perhaps the only one I shall receive in this lifetime. I consider myself blessed.
I equate this epiphany, an almost supernatural experience, as being akin to what someone on LSD may have experienced, whereby every nerve ending, and the synapses within every cell is felt at a deep sensory level, where there is a oneness and synchronicity within me and outside of me, a oneness with the universe. (No, I have never experimented with drugs!)
I equate this feeling with Abraham Maslow’s study of “peak experiences”. This is a rare moment, sometimes a once-in-a lifetime vision, comprehension, and/or deep level of spirituality. I have the chills although I am not cold, a shivering awareness of truth. This moment left me utterly speechless. (A rare moment!)
I want to make it perfectly clear that this state of forgiveness has been a raging battle within me, an anguishing war that has lasted 1 year, 3 months and 23 days. But today, truly, I have forgiven the sociopath—and consequently I have set myself free.
I wrote him one last letter, below, (which will never be sent). Thousand(s) of hours of study, the help of my friends and family, and finding Lovefraud, has contributed greatly to my comprehension, hence the forgiveness. Today I read about serpents and scorpions, and how “they are what they are” and cannot be otherwise. Likewise, sociopaths “are whom they are” and they predictably do what sociopaths do”¦which is to bleed us dry emotionally, physically, financially, and perhaps most harmfully, spiritually and/or soulfully. The result of forgiving him is that the pain and anger has disappeared within in my own being”¦and subsequently I have regained the strength within ME. In forgiving the sociopath, I have reclaimed my joy and my ability to function normally, fully, and potentially at a much higher level than before.
Dear _ _ _ :
You are forgiven.
Yes, as of this day, this moment in time, I forgive you.
In no way do I condone the choices you have made nor the behaviors you have exhibited.
I deplore the things you have done that have caused extreme emotional pain to many innocent victims.A snake can only be a snake and strike without warning at a moment’s notice. A scorpion will sting. A sociopath is, and always will be, a sociopath.
YOU are missing the essential elements of humanity: love, joy, peace, kindness, compassion, and a conscience. You will never find fulfillment in the materialism and power-mongering that consumes you. You may become the “richest” person or most powerful person on earth, yet you will forever have only emptiness within you.
I feel great sorrow and pity beyond measure for your inability to feel and be fully human. The greatest treasures in life are not measured in gold, nor possessions, but are held within one’s heart. You are very poor indeed.
Your departure, and the resulting obsessing, ruminating, distress, research and investigation has led me on an ultimate journey to the center of my own soul. Forgiving you has brought me to a place of comprehension, great joy, and”¦peace.
Sincere Regards,
Me
I have come to believe that forgiveness is a state of higher consciousness, a higher vibration and an escalated plane in the realm of human existence. Indeed, the sociopaths dastardly deeds of lying, promiscuity, stealing, aggression, embezzling, and a range of unethical and illegal activities—as well as tromping on people’s hearts—has ultimately given me an incredible, life-altering gift that I wish for you, dear Lovefraud friends”¦
The gift of forgiveness.
Blessings and Peace,
Peggywhoever
P.S. I want to thank AlohaTraveler for her friendship, insights and wit during this healing process.
USMC Trained.
http://www.writeflyer.com/images_misc/USMC%20Trained%20Rat%20(Medium).jpg
err…
Here,
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.sampsoncc.edu/staff/pwolf/US-Marine-Rat_1.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.sampsoncc.edu/staff/pwolf/&usg=__AaAU0lxFqovuJzyMrpmGLh_w3IQ=&h=461&w=614&sz=34&hl=en&start=2&um=1&tbnid=mlzeyUYWUw5QjM:&tbnh=102&tbnw=136&prev=/images%3Fq%3DMarine%2BCorps%2Brat%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN
Then “see full sized image”
Sheesh. Nuthinz EZ!
when he followed me into a parking lot it was broad daylight and I was with 2 other friends. I think it was just an attempt to try f*ck with me. I’m also a man. So yes, I consider myself less vulnerable to physcial threat. However, I would not want to be alone with this person, and I would never put myself in that postion. I do kinda feel he stalks. But he does it in such a passive way, that I could never acuse him of it. Just as his exposing me to HIV. I could never have proved it.
He’s good. He knows how to ride the line- but not too much to get in trouble.
Sounds like you’re reasonably safe from a physical standpoint.
I’m very sorry about the HIV. Sad to say, there are a lot of people who deliberately expose their partners to STDs. HIV is the worst of the lot, but the rest of it isn’t very nice either.
I’ve read various rationales for why they do this. The only explanation that makes sense to me is cluster B. What a nasty thing to do.
Stay Safe, Dodged a Bullet. You’re in my prayers.
I just keep thinking about this whole forgiving him thing. It reminds me of how he always wanted me to believe that he was teaching me something. That I was too used to being treated well by men, and I needed someone like him to bring me down a few notches, put me in my place. He convinced me that I wanted him to do this. He was teaching me humility??? I feel like if I forgave him it would be like accepting that he in some way contributed something good to my life, but he didn’t. The good that has come from this comes from me and my strength, it is mine alone and he did nothing to contribute. I will never forgive someone who doesn’t have a soul to be saved.
DEar Eliza,
I can hear that you are not ready to “forgive” him yet, and that is okay. It is not something that is REQUIRED ever, but simply something that some of us have found that gets the bitterness about them out of OUR HEARTS FOR OUR BENEFIT not their benefit. I too felt like you do at various stages of my healing path, and it is a normal stage to be VERY ANGRY and even HATE THEM. But ACTIVELY hating FOREVER is toxic to US, not them.
Dodged,
I too am glad that you are physically safe from this jerk, and I too keep you in my prayers for your safety and your healing.
The story I read about the “first” US case of HIV+ man was that he deliberately gave it to as many people as he could when he figured out it was sexually transmitted, using the bathhouses of SF. I am not sure if this is an urban legend or not, but I read it for the truth in any case. I dont doubt though that there have been OTHERS who have deliberately done it even if no one but they themselves knew.
Good luck and God bless you, Dodged.
OxDrover,
I appreciate your input. I do not plan to actively hate him forever. Right now I want to hurt him, but eventually I am hoping to adopt the “I don’t hate you, I NOTHING you” attitude. I do not mean to critique anyone else for forgiving, I am a “to each his own” kind of gal. I appreciate this entry because it has been thought-provoking, whether I want to adopt it for myself, or not. And I just choose not to.
I’m with you Eliza.
I’m past he everday anger and hate phase. I truly am. I even went days without thinking a thing about it.
When he starts popping up again- then it comes back…..
I think the best I will ever do is if and when I NEVER see him again…..I will not think about him either….and I will not get angry…..
That’s as much forgiveness I can muster.
I completely understand how it could be theraputic to forgive. I was just treated like a sex object and absolutely nothing more and was devalued to lower than dirt. And I just can’t imagine forgiving it. Because it left me wondering if that is all I have to offer that can interest a man. I can’t believe that I am asking myself that question. I am not having a very good day.
Dear Dodged and Eliza,
The opposite of “love” is NOT “hate”—it is INDIFFERENCE.
That is a difficult stage to achieve even with “perfect” healing if we ever got to that point! LOL
The indifference is where you could see him lying on the ground and NOT have a gleeful chortle within your heart and say “Good enough for you, A$$h01e, bleed to death for all I care!” I’mm not sure I will ever reach that point myself, but I work on it. (LOL)
I do know though that for ME seeing them, especially running into them and even exchanging a glance with them, is TOXIC to ME and rekindles the anger and the hate. In the past it would take me weeks to get over one encounter, and now I am getting over it in 24 hours or so, but by having that “Washed out, Wrung out” feeling of stress, I realize that the encounters are more TOXIC to me than I want to endure, so I am willing to do WHATEVER it takes to avoid an encounter with them. (even an encounter in my mind).
Right now, as long as I don’t have to look them in the face or interact with them physically or on the phone or whatever, I don’t have that stressed out “shot at and missed, chit at and hit” feeling that an adrenaline rush gives me. If that makes any sense at all.
There was a time when I HATED, actively and continually HATED them, wanted to do damage to them, dreamed and plotted what I would do if I could get away with it (which I couldn’t have) but I realized that that sort of wish for revenge,that sort of hate was toxic to ME, so I worked on dampening down those hateful feelings and wishes for revenge because they kept my stress level high.
Yes, they made me feel lower than DIRT, my X-BF made me feel like a piece of trash, my mother made me feel like I was worthless, and my son made me feel like I had wasted my life trying to raise him. Coming to a point in life when I no longer accept their judgment of me, where I can validate my OWN worth as a human being, my own worth as a daughter and as a mother. Realize I am not and was not perfect, but that I AM a good person, and I have the capacity to love, and they are not able to, the intense hate melted away. I know I may never be able to be totally indifferent to them, to regard them as I would a stranger, without any positive or negative thoughts, I am far above them in that I CAN quit hating them, and they CANNOT quit hating me. They are all focused on the “injuries” I did to them by refusing their total control of my life, but I will not forever focus on the “injuries” they did to me, because in the long run, I have BENEFITTED from the eperience. Not because they didn’t try to hurt me, to control me, but because I wiggled out of their control, and I learned to be smarter and wiser, more cunning and learned that I am STRONG and I am GOOD and I will never again let anyone else “judge” my worth. So out of lemons I made lemonaid, Out of a sow’s ear I made a silk purse! I won’t let them ruin that growth or that benefit by giving them the time to hate them. If that means I have to avoid seeing them, so be it. It is a small price to pay for what I have gained. I turned their evil into MY GOOD.