By Peggy Whoever
Today I had an epiphany, certainly my first, and perhaps the only one I shall receive in this lifetime. I consider myself blessed.
I equate this epiphany, an almost supernatural experience, as being akin to what someone on LSD may have experienced, whereby every nerve ending, and the synapses within every cell is felt at a deep sensory level, where there is a oneness and synchronicity within me and outside of me, a oneness with the universe. (No, I have never experimented with drugs!)
I equate this feeling with Abraham Maslow’s study of “peak experiences”. This is a rare moment, sometimes a once-in-a lifetime vision, comprehension, and/or deep level of spirituality. I have the chills although I am not cold, a shivering awareness of truth. This moment left me utterly speechless. (A rare moment!)
I want to make it perfectly clear that this state of forgiveness has been a raging battle within me, an anguishing war that has lasted 1 year, 3 months and 23 days. But today, truly, I have forgiven the sociopath—and consequently I have set myself free.
I wrote him one last letter, below, (which will never be sent). Thousand(s) of hours of study, the help of my friends and family, and finding Lovefraud, has contributed greatly to my comprehension, hence the forgiveness. Today I read about serpents and scorpions, and how “they are what they are” and cannot be otherwise. Likewise, sociopaths “are whom they are” and they predictably do what sociopaths do”¦which is to bleed us dry emotionally, physically, financially, and perhaps most harmfully, spiritually and/or soulfully. The result of forgiving him is that the pain and anger has disappeared within in my own being”¦and subsequently I have regained the strength within ME. In forgiving the sociopath, I have reclaimed my joy and my ability to function normally, fully, and potentially at a much higher level than before.
Dear _ _ _ :
You are forgiven.
Yes, as of this day, this moment in time, I forgive you.
In no way do I condone the choices you have made nor the behaviors you have exhibited.
I deplore the things you have done that have caused extreme emotional pain to many innocent victims.A snake can only be a snake and strike without warning at a moment’s notice. A scorpion will sting. A sociopath is, and always will be, a sociopath.
YOU are missing the essential elements of humanity: love, joy, peace, kindness, compassion, and a conscience. You will never find fulfillment in the materialism and power-mongering that consumes you. You may become the “richest” person or most powerful person on earth, yet you will forever have only emptiness within you.
I feel great sorrow and pity beyond measure for your inability to feel and be fully human. The greatest treasures in life are not measured in gold, nor possessions, but are held within one’s heart. You are very poor indeed.
Your departure, and the resulting obsessing, ruminating, distress, research and investigation has led me on an ultimate journey to the center of my own soul. Forgiving you has brought me to a place of comprehension, great joy, and”¦peace.
Sincere Regards,
Me
I have come to believe that forgiveness is a state of higher consciousness, a higher vibration and an escalated plane in the realm of human existence. Indeed, the sociopaths dastardly deeds of lying, promiscuity, stealing, aggression, embezzling, and a range of unethical and illegal activities—as well as tromping on people’s hearts—has ultimately given me an incredible, life-altering gift that I wish for you, dear Lovefraud friends”¦
The gift of forgiveness.
Blessings and Peace,
Peggywhoever
P.S. I want to thank AlohaTraveler for her friendship, insights and wit during this healing process.
Dodged,
If I could share my stalking experience with you it may help. I made some mistakes. When I changed my routine I hated it. It was a huge inconvenience to me and I felt like HE was winning by driving me away. When in reality I WAS WINNING. I looked at it as I was rejecting him whenever I didn;t show up as he expected, because that’s what he wanted. He just wanted to see me and I was having no part of it.
I used to react when he would approach me. i had a friend from the sherriff’s office call him when he followed me 50 miles to work one day. I reacted when he embarrassed me at the gym and he almost caused a fight.
Dodged, I would see him everywhere. He knew my routine. He showed up at starbucks in the AM. I went to a different Starbucks. I started going to a different gym. It wasn’t convenient but after a while I went back to my regular gym and varied the times but would not go in if his vehicle was there.
He used to sit in a parking lot at the gym, Starbucks, grocerie store, and would rev up his motor or blast his music and would just stare. He eventually stopped approavhing me. HeHe saw me one afternoon having a friendly cup of coffee with a friend (a guy) who happens to be married. Called my phone continuously and left messages telling me how inappropriate it is for me to be fuc*(&^ someone else’s husband. Then left a message telling me I had better hope someone doesn’t come and take me off the face of the earth.
The police told me he is doing just enough to stay above the law, and even when I went to the magistrate they said they cannot progibit him from being in a public place or even a certain number of yards away. I did call him and tell him that if he didn’t stop harrassing me that I would call his daughter and tell her about him and all his lies and how he lied to me about being married and was sleeping with me in a hotel room while her mother was having surgery. He stopped. Now that is a threat and I don’t recommend anyone do that. i took a big chance. he did stop but I had heard he also had a heart attacke (which I;m sure in his mind is my fault too LOL) so that may have deterred him also.
Here’s another one……. we have one froiend in common and I was about to NOT have a relationship with that friend any longer because he was constantly questioning me about personal stuff. I finally had an argument with this friend and told him to nat talk to me about him again and if he brings up his name I will have to cut all ties with him.
The end result is that I had and have peace of mind when I put myself in aposition to NOT see him. Now he has started coming to my gym when I am there again so I will have to mix it up again.
Just seeing him also causes me aggravation. then I have nightmares and it’s not worth it. But I did not stop telling the fitness people about him, in case he came in and approached me again. i am careful to not talk about it too much. But I feel it is imprtant for them to know what they are dealing with too.
Thanks Keeping. I had horrible nitemares the other nite after seeing him. I dreamed he got a job at the front desk of my condo, that he got a job where I work, he vandalized my car. Last weekend I saw him and later that nite I dreamed he was coming after me with a machine gun.
That’s how bad he disturbs me. I have ZERO friends in common with him. I will not have ever be friends with someone that is friends with him. Especially if they know what he did to me. I have a couple ACQUINTAnCES that are also his acquaintances……but I keep them at a distance.
Dodged,
It’s a wierd feeling. I hated admitting this but at first it was like I wanted to see him. That if he was there did it mean he cared and wanted to see me? The answer was no. He would sometimes try to speak to me pretending to be my friend, then it would just escalate and by the end of the day he was calling me names and threatening me. Then the next day he was back at it again.
It took me a while before I realized what I was dealing with. i did feel sorry for him until I learned that all the stories of abuse and torture were made up. HE WAS THE TERRORIST.
My dreams usually start out that I am back together with him and it’s great. Then he suddenly accuses me of something that is not correct and the anxiety escalates because I am trying so hard to hang on to him and make him understand that what he is saying isn’t true. THAT was my life with him.
Be careful Dodged !
Dodged_A_Bullet,
Seriously Brother,
Go no contact. I haven’t read the whole story, but you need to get away from this guy. Just based on your dreams, it’s clear you feel he represents a very, very serious threat. If you feel it so deeply, you need to get some distance. It’s the only way you’ll gain any peace of mind. Deep down on a visceral level, this person scares you. Maybe there’s a good reason for this emotion. You should pay attention to your instincts.
Weird stuff can happen in your head when you first go no contact. You may actually feel more stress for a short while. I’m not sure why this is. Any how, this phase is unpleasant, then it passes. After that, you should start to get some stress relief.
I say rationalize it any way you need to. Tell yourself whatever you need to hear that will permit you to change your routine and get the distance you need to heal. You can come back stronger in a couple months or a year.
When you change your routine, the world may surprise you with some really good new habits, hang outs and friendships. Sometimes these crazy things like and encounter with an S actually result in a good outcome. This could still have a happy ending.
From what you’ve told me, your S is profoundly disturbed. Usually I encourage people to make up their own minds about these matters. In your case, I think you’ve already made up your mind to stay in the same environment with the S, and it’s killing you. Those horrible emotions that flood you with unpleasant sensations – watch out. They are whittling away at your life and health! Take care of yourself. Get away from the S.
Remember, he’s a drama queen. Deprive him of his audience, his stage or his players, and he’ll be quite put out. Want to get a little of your own back at him? Disappear! It’s the surest way to thwart his agenda.
Dear Dodged,
Elizabeth is right, when they can’t “get to” you, they are writhing on a spit, turning over a hot fire. It is the ultimate inury to their psyche. YOU have control, not them. YOU take back your power and put yourself in control! By “dis-ing” them by totally disappearing you turn the knife in their misserable black hearts.
Unfortunately it is the only way I know of to “torture” them.
Thank you Elizabeth and Ox. Thanks for you concern. It has been a year and a half since I found out he was HIV positive, and since then I have learned about sociopaths. I was in extreme anger and pain for a long time. I can honestly say I have healed from that. If I was to never see him again, I would be fine! Unfortunately, he still lives here, and so do I. I have hoped he would eventually leave when everyone discovers the truth about him, and how he lies to people about his status. God knows lots of people do know by now. But he has not left. And lately it seems as if he’s not going anywhere. Yes, this person does scare me. It scary to realize he has NO remorse for what he does to people. And it’s scary to see how he acts to me even after I unmasked him. I dont know if the dreams are just fantasy……but I certainly do feel that someone very evil hates me- and that’s not a good feeling. Knowing some crazy pycho hates me. I am a good person. I would never knowingly hurt anyone. And if I did, I would feel terrible about it. He hates someone that was good to him, and whom he played russian roulette with their life. It’s warped.
I feel as if dissapearing is EXACTLY what he wants. He would love nothing more than for me to run away so he can go to the best gym in town and run around town without me droppin dimes on him and his deadly game. I’m a threat to his game, and he knows it.
Hi
I would love to forgive BUT what happens when the sociopath never stops? My relationship with the sociopath ended a decade ago – but he, determined never to allow me to escape from him has made mine and my family’s life a misery – ending up in my having to leave my husband (we have only been married three years on Jan 28th, and I left with my daughter one year ago because the sociopath just wouldn’t leave us alone), wrecked my career (social work), reported me to social services ten times for child abuse ( out of spite and each time I have been investigated and cleared), taken me to court 8 times with allegations of abuse ( cleared each time as my daughter is very happy and safe with me), not paid maintenance but instead spends £200-300 per week on clothes for my daughter (most of which she never wears, and which I give to charity)……forgiveness? Everybody says that this guy will never stop, and sadly this is true. I know it to be true. So at what stage do I forgive, knowing full well that this will go on until I breathe my last breath?
Good for you!
The difficulty in forgiving such a person directly, overtly, is that in this man’s eyes he has done nothing wrong and you are the one at fault. To have sent that letter would have been a mistake (as you know). He will continue to lie to himself and manipulate others, and there’s nothing we can do about that. The only reasonable choice in the long term is to cut your losses and move forward. And live!
Chrissie,
Sadly, I understand all to well what you’re going through. They say the vast majority of sociopaths are men, but the one who troubled me was a woman. She did much the same to me as you’ve experienced, and eventually I overcame her abuse by essentially “going underground.” I’ll explain this a little more fully below.
Sounds like this guy has come close to exhausting the legal manipulations, because by now he doesn’t have much credibility in the court system. Good for you, standing up and fighting back in court — and WINNING. But it did cost you time and money and aggravation, and in the long run there is no winning against a sociopath. You can probably only hope to break even, but yes, you CAN break even.
It isn’t true that he’ll never give up. It only seems that way. He will go away when he gets absolutely no reaction from you, so stop reacting today. Indifference, even if it must be faked, is your greatest ally. Everything you love, everything that excites you to anger or concern, everything you care about one way or another, is an emotional “hook” for the sociopath to latch onto and use as a way to manipulate you. Consider leaving the clothes at the curb for the poor. Or keep the ones your daughter likes, and teach her if encountered to say, “Oh, did you give me this? I didn’t realize …” as if she really doesn’t care one way or another. Better yet, she could turn and walk away. If he touches her or you, impedes you in any way, ask immediately for a restraining order and insist on NO CONTACT. But don’t get excited about it. Just be firm.
I KNOW this will work, because I’ve done it. This kind of sociopath is fundamentally a narcissist. It kills him to think he isn’t the most important thing in the universe. But ultimately, you should be very clear that you don’t want to kill him. You want to neuter him, but only in your own life, because you will never control other people as well as he does. That’s fine, because you don’t want to control others. Not your job.
If you have good friends and family — a strong support system, even if it is one or two people — stay in touch with those people and keep those relationships strong. If there are people who were your friends, but now believe him, they were NOT your friends and you’d be wise to let them go quietly and without regret, without even a word to them. At some level they don’t understand, they have become his emotional pawns. That’s what you WERE, so you have an advantage over them.
I withdrew from almost all social interactions to avoid any contact with the woman who abused me, though I still went to work every day and focused on doing good work. Some people no doubt think I had an emotional breakdown, and she has encouraged that perception. People sometimes come up to me and ask sincerely about my welfare, and I just tell them I’m fine as if nothing had happened (it’s been four years). If they knew me well and they probe deeper, I mention my issues with the sociopath but it never pays to go into any detail (you’ll never know whether it might get back to him, and any suggestion that he has succeeded in angering or hurting you is viewed by the sociopath as a kind of encouragement).
When I run into her, I ignore her. When she comes to speak to me (always in public in an effort to draw me out and get me to react to her in front of people), I look through her and she gets the point. It’s hard for me to explain how to do this, what it looks and feels like internally and externally, but a sociopath will understand when he or she is NOT making a connection. Without connecting to you emotionally (and any emotion will do), their power is gone.
Sit down with your daughter and watch a movie called “The Neverending Story.” It’s a good story, and entertaining. And when the movie is over, explain to your daughter that in this man’s presence, you two are “The Nothing.” You will overwhelm him and exhaust him with your non-existence.
Be strong, Chrissie. Love the people who love you. You and your daughter will be beyond all this, and much wiser, in a few months or years. It will be worth the effort and the wait!
Be the peace you seek, and don’t let what he does change who you are.
The Peregrine said ” look through her and she gets the point. It’s hard for me to explain how to do this, what it looks and feels like internally and externally, but a sociopath will understand when he or she is NOT making a connection. Without connecting to you emotionally (and any emotion will do), their power is gone.”
This tactic works. Use it. It’s a method of clearly communicating that their thoughts, feelings, words and actions do not matter. You will only protect yourself from their overt threatening actions, and then only long enough to neutralize the threat. It works. Really and truly, it’s an end game strategy for dealing with situations where you are forced into proximity with an N/P/S who is intent on continuing to abuse. (and they always are)
If your conflict was with a healthy person, it would have been over long ago. If they’re still “mad dogging” you, provoking you and stalking, they’ve got a loose screw.
In my case, I’ve defined my boundaries very well with the S and his cronies. He/they simply refuse to respect my boundaries. To be polite to me seems like “losing” to him/them, which is really sad. That’s his/their problem. I always treated him and his cronies well, although I did occasionally expect them to behave with a modicum of decency. It’s “losing” to behave with common courtesy and fairness? How pathetic. What can I do but look through and beyond them to a future without their sorry carcasses in my landscape? I mean that both figuratively and literally. What else can be done for/with people who don’t want to act human? Barf!
Learn not to give a sh -hit folks. Until you get there, learn to act like you don’t give a sh -hit. It works on so many levels!