By Peggy Whoever
Today I had an epiphany, certainly my first, and perhaps the only one I shall receive in this lifetime. I consider myself blessed.
I equate this epiphany, an almost supernatural experience, as being akin to what someone on LSD may have experienced, whereby every nerve ending, and the synapses within every cell is felt at a deep sensory level, where there is a oneness and synchronicity within me and outside of me, a oneness with the universe. (No, I have never experimented with drugs!)
I equate this feeling with Abraham Maslow’s study of “peak experiences”. This is a rare moment, sometimes a once-in-a lifetime vision, comprehension, and/or deep level of spirituality. I have the chills although I am not cold, a shivering awareness of truth. This moment left me utterly speechless. (A rare moment!)
I want to make it perfectly clear that this state of forgiveness has been a raging battle within me, an anguishing war that has lasted 1 year, 3 months and 23 days. But today, truly, I have forgiven the sociopath—and consequently I have set myself free.
I wrote him one last letter, below, (which will never be sent). Thousand(s) of hours of study, the help of my friends and family, and finding Lovefraud, has contributed greatly to my comprehension, hence the forgiveness. Today I read about serpents and scorpions, and how “they are what they are” and cannot be otherwise. Likewise, sociopaths “are whom they are” and they predictably do what sociopaths do”¦which is to bleed us dry emotionally, physically, financially, and perhaps most harmfully, spiritually and/or soulfully. The result of forgiving him is that the pain and anger has disappeared within in my own being”¦and subsequently I have regained the strength within ME. In forgiving the sociopath, I have reclaimed my joy and my ability to function normally, fully, and potentially at a much higher level than before.
Dear _ _ _ :
You are forgiven.
Yes, as of this day, this moment in time, I forgive you.
In no way do I condone the choices you have made nor the behaviors you have exhibited.
I deplore the things you have done that have caused extreme emotional pain to many innocent victims.A snake can only be a snake and strike without warning at a moment’s notice. A scorpion will sting. A sociopath is, and always will be, a sociopath.
YOU are missing the essential elements of humanity: love, joy, peace, kindness, compassion, and a conscience. You will never find fulfillment in the materialism and power-mongering that consumes you. You may become the “richest” person or most powerful person on earth, yet you will forever have only emptiness within you.
I feel great sorrow and pity beyond measure for your inability to feel and be fully human. The greatest treasures in life are not measured in gold, nor possessions, but are held within one’s heart. You are very poor indeed.
Your departure, and the resulting obsessing, ruminating, distress, research and investigation has led me on an ultimate journey to the center of my own soul. Forgiving you has brought me to a place of comprehension, great joy, and”¦peace.
Sincere Regards,
Me
I have come to believe that forgiveness is a state of higher consciousness, a higher vibration and an escalated plane in the realm of human existence. Indeed, the sociopaths dastardly deeds of lying, promiscuity, stealing, aggression, embezzling, and a range of unethical and illegal activities—as well as tromping on people’s hearts—has ultimately given me an incredible, life-altering gift that I wish for you, dear Lovefraud friends”¦
The gift of forgiveness.
Blessings and Peace,
Peggywhoever
P.S. I want to thank AlohaTraveler for her friendship, insights and wit during this healing process.
OK Dodged a Bullet,
I am aware that your community, as defined by the gym and certain bars, plus a few other hang outs, are extremely important. I won’t pretend to “understand”. Only a horse’s behind would. All I’ll say is that I respect your point of view as valid. You don’t want to leave your community, so you’re going to see the S fairly regularly. He’s part of the community too, albeit a relatively new arrival.
Please be careful. He will attempt to enlist allies who could make your life dangerous or unpleasant in unexpected ways. Do not underestimate his ability to succeed. Your subconscious knows he’s a genuine threat, even if other aspects of your self minimize the issue. I seriously recommend getting real good at cultivating both a keen situational awareness and an ability to seem to look right through him.
Blessings Bro. Hope it works out.
Your letter reminds me of Richard Wilbur’s poem “The Undead”.
If this site has links this poem should be posted on it.
Thanks,
Robert
Thanks Elizabeth. I am aware of the ‘smear campaign’ and and his attempt to enlist allies. But the thing is – I have FAR more friends in this town than he does, people that have know me for years. I’m not one to run in any particular group. Therefore, I am known by many….just the other nite a friend told me that the S came up and was introduced by another guy. My friends said, ‘yeh, we know you…you dated DAB.” S started to talk shit and roll his eyes, and my friends said, ‘dont come here takin shit about DAB. He’s a good man. You were lucky to have ever been with him.’ S got the picture and shut up….at least to him.
Anyone that allies with him is a complete idiot, and will end up getting burned themselves…..
oh, and “only a horses behind”….????? was that an insult? Sounded like it.
I’ve been beating myself up the past day or so because I let him get to me the other nite when I ran into him in a bar. I normally dont make eye contact, but this time because of the timing and positioning I did”and he took that a ran—strutted up to me and when passed, turned and looked at me and gave me the evil smirk. I was furious. I didnt do anything”.but I think by the look on my face he knew he got me. I was mad all nite and had bad dreams about him—was in a funk all day yesterday”Im better today—.I just try not to think about the evil smirk—it’s so distrubing he can act like that after what he did.
Dodged –
Yep, “horse’s behind” is a pejorative. It was aimed at someone who would “pretend to understand” circumstances they’ve never endured.
Dear Peggy,
Thank you for such a well-written and thoughtful post. Your description of the sociopath is right on target. My assumption is that most of those who are “victims” of these folks can understand intellectually what has happened. My own experience has been very much one that my head can grasp but my heart still doesn’t “get it.”
Your letter and your analogy are right on. Thank you for your clear and succinct description. It is what I needed to keep striving for the forgiveness of which you write. Blessing to you!
newlife09,
I’m pleased if you can relate to the article and it helps you.
Oxy, I think what you said is true, “the opposite of love isn’t hate…it is indifference”.
When going through the pain, processing, anger and deep betrayal of the S, I listened to a lot of music. One of the songs that (now makes me laugh) is “Idiot” by Lisa Marie Presley. I’m happy to be over this stage now! Below is the link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClFHg0gH1Cc
Peggywhoever
Dear Newlife09,
At first it seems that we focus on THEM, but in taking the focus off them and putting it on OURSELVES we can truly start to heal. Until I was able to forgive THEM and FORGIVE MYSELF I was impeded in my healing. I still have a long way to go, but I am at a stage now where I can FEEL the JOY and goodness of life again and life is not a constant and continual pain.
I am refilling my coffers and “emotional reserve strength” so that when I DO have a down day, I can use that reserve strength to recover quickly.
In the past I had such a deficit of strength that even any little thing would throw me into the PITS for days, weeks, months and it was like going back to “square one” to start to regain the ground I had lost. Now, with some insight and reserve strength I can recover quickly and the pits are never as deep as they were. It is the difference between falling and skinning your knee and falling 100 feet and breaking both legs. (((hugs)))
yeh, i’ve often wondered how much in danger I am because of him. He’s has exhibited all the signs of sociopaty….I wonder if he would go so far as to physicall harm me. If he can do it by spreading HIV, I guess he could do it other ways without remorse.
I’m 46. I watched the whole AIDS epidemic unfold. It’s been personally tragic, not just an abstract intellectual issue. Quite bluntly, I’ve lost friends and a great mentor. This disease touches everyone on the planet.
One of the aspects that has always chilled me to the bone has been the HIV positive individuals who deliberately infect others. Many such people have been interviewed and their rationalizations have been analyzed ad nauseum.
Whatever! I think they’re all hopelessly self centered people, EVERY single one of them. That’s cluster B, in a nutshell. Every single one of ’em is a Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissist, or P/S.
If someone does this, there is no explanation that mitigates the evil of the attack. They are human wrecking balls, and we should be very, very afraid. There’s no knowing how their extreme selfishness will manifest next. All you can know for sure is that there is going to be a human toll.