By Peggy Whoever
Today I had an epiphany, certainly my first, and perhaps the only one I shall receive in this lifetime. I consider myself blessed.
I equate this epiphany, an almost supernatural experience, as being akin to what someone on LSD may have experienced, whereby every nerve ending, and the synapses within every cell is felt at a deep sensory level, where there is a oneness and synchronicity within me and outside of me, a oneness with the universe. (No, I have never experimented with drugs!)
I equate this feeling with Abraham Maslow’s study of “peak experiences”. This is a rare moment, sometimes a once-in-a lifetime vision, comprehension, and/or deep level of spirituality. I have the chills although I am not cold, a shivering awareness of truth. This moment left me utterly speechless. (A rare moment!)
I want to make it perfectly clear that this state of forgiveness has been a raging battle within me, an anguishing war that has lasted 1 year, 3 months and 23 days. But today, truly, I have forgiven the sociopath—and consequently I have set myself free.
I wrote him one last letter, below, (which will never be sent). Thousand(s) of hours of study, the help of my friends and family, and finding Lovefraud, has contributed greatly to my comprehension, hence the forgiveness. Today I read about serpents and scorpions, and how “they are what they are” and cannot be otherwise. Likewise, sociopaths “are whom they are” and they predictably do what sociopaths do”¦which is to bleed us dry emotionally, physically, financially, and perhaps most harmfully, spiritually and/or soulfully. The result of forgiving him is that the pain and anger has disappeared within in my own being”¦and subsequently I have regained the strength within ME. In forgiving the sociopath, I have reclaimed my joy and my ability to function normally, fully, and potentially at a much higher level than before.
Dear _ _ _ :
You are forgiven.
Yes, as of this day, this moment in time, I forgive you.
In no way do I condone the choices you have made nor the behaviors you have exhibited.
I deplore the things you have done that have caused extreme emotional pain to many innocent victims.A snake can only be a snake and strike without warning at a moment’s notice. A scorpion will sting. A sociopath is, and always will be, a sociopath.
YOU are missing the essential elements of humanity: love, joy, peace, kindness, compassion, and a conscience. You will never find fulfillment in the materialism and power-mongering that consumes you. You may become the “richest” person or most powerful person on earth, yet you will forever have only emptiness within you.
I feel great sorrow and pity beyond measure for your inability to feel and be fully human. The greatest treasures in life are not measured in gold, nor possessions, but are held within one’s heart. You are very poor indeed.
Your departure, and the resulting obsessing, ruminating, distress, research and investigation has led me on an ultimate journey to the center of my own soul. Forgiving you has brought me to a place of comprehension, great joy, and”¦peace.
Sincere Regards,
Me
I have come to believe that forgiveness is a state of higher consciousness, a higher vibration and an escalated plane in the realm of human existence. Indeed, the sociopaths dastardly deeds of lying, promiscuity, stealing, aggression, embezzling, and a range of unethical and illegal activities—as well as tromping on people’s hearts—has ultimately given me an incredible, life-altering gift that I wish for you, dear Lovefraud friends”¦
The gift of forgiveness.
Blessings and Peace,
Peggywhoever
P.S. I want to thank AlohaTraveler for her friendship, insights and wit during this healing process.
Elizabeth,
What to do when we can’t get them out of our environment, even when we get them out of our lives, is a major challenge. I had a period when my sociopath was servicing one of my clients when I was trying to keep him away from me and get over the personal aspects of the relationship.
(He had the professional situation because of our relationship. I gave him the client to give him income, in the mistaken hope that it would help him get over some issues and bring us closer together.)
I had to deal with him constantly. He couldn’t work with the client’s internal organizational dynamics. He needed bailing out of one thing after another. He needed to call to “strategize” two or three times a week. This went on for many months, while I was trying to control my feelings and rebuild my life after the damage done from the last round of being his “girlfriend.”
I look back at it now, and think I should have just gotten rid of him, like I should have gotten rid of him hundreds of times in those five years. But I didn’t, because I said I would help him. And he was good at hitting my pity button. And I was still, against all reason and evidence, in love with him.
When I finally told him he had to find another way to make a living, he dragged it out for months. And afterwards, as soon as he ran out of money, he was back in seductive mode and I got sucked into the last big chapter of the story.
I never really healed until I did get him out of my life. I never really detoxed until there was no contact. In the first year or so, I got a card from him and some indirect messages through shared friends. They threw me back into wondering if he really was such a bad guy, if it was only that he had problems communicating, and maybe I could this or that to fix the problem. Yadda yadda. It delayed the time when I totally grokked that it didn’t matter who or what he was, he was bad for me.
I don’t know what you to do “walk the fine line” without letting this person (or fear of this person) continue to control you emotionally. To my mind, the biggest problem is that you can’t get his attention off you. He already knows you as a “source.” When he wants something that you can give, you’re going to be at the top of his go-to list. And then you’re going to have the repercussions of dealing with him, whether it’s the way he screws things up or the way your nervous system reacts.
I think this is why I’ve set my own boundaries with him so far. I do not want him reappearing in my industry, as well as my county, as well as my phone or e-mail or front door This is an “iron curtain” I dropped, not only to protect myself, but to communicate to him as clearly as I could that this was no longer his hunting ground.
I’ve “forgiven” him to the extent of recognizing his dangerous incompetence as a human being, and genuinely feeling bad about it. But that doesn’t reduce my intention to keep him out of my world. Because everything he brings to my world is bad news.
If I couldn’t keep him out of my world, if it came down to a choice between continuing in this business or putting up with him, I’d have to have a conversation with my nervous system and see how immune I really feel. But if I felt the slightest vulnerability to upset, I would come to the conclusion that I was still vulnerable him at some level, and start planning whatever changes I’d have to make to get out of his range.
This, to me, is protecting myself. Not just from him, but from any residual feeling I may have for him. As long as I’m scared, as long as I’m angry, as long as I have any emotional reaction to him at all, there’s something he can leverage for pleasure or profit. He’s already got all the information about me that he needs, and I’m not going to live my life worrying about it.
That’s how I feel now. I may evolve beyond this point in the future. But right now, I can’t imagine where I’d evolve to.
You have all my sympathy, and I hope you can find a way to extricate yourself or get rid of him.
Kathy
EC: Keeping distance and dignity. Good point.
I’ve reached a stage where I doubt that I can interact with any, once I recognize them. I’ve seen too many ways that they take my help, words, thoughts, etc., and somehow find a way to turn it against me. Or use it inappropriately to ensnare others.
I agree with you that it is important to run toward good things. Sometimes, though, we may have to run away from the bad in order to save ourselves. I’m thinking now of Lot and his family fleeing the burning city behind them. Am I paralyzed? In jeopardy of being turned to a pillar of salt because I want to look back? I don’t want the ex, but when I walked out in horror, I left behind my home, furniture, personal possessions — and I haven’t had the strength or resources to try to reclaim anything. All this, while he uses the home foundation I built to fleece new souls.
Kathy and Rune,
I’ve got all your concerns, and only two aspects of all this to give me hope.
The S was never a love interest, and my financial well being never depended on dealing with him. Through this whole mess, I’ve had a wonderful husband at my back and a high degree of security.
These two factors make me ridiculously fortunate. I’m hoping this makes my situation slightly easier.
I’m just hoping, mind you. I’m not certain. The kids’ social life is very important to me. We home school. Most of my friends are my age and older. Their kids are grown. I can’t turn to them for help with this. I rely on the greater home school community to enrich my kids’ social life and provide many extra-curricular activities. If I switch home school co-ops on the kids, it will be hard on them. I’m hoping that the S’s involvement in the co-op won’t poison things for the kids and I. They love the co-op. My son is mildly hearing impaired, and yet he has major speaking parts in two plays this month. Where else would someone offer this to a hearing impaired child? My daughter is a pre-teen. I don’t have to tell you what a pret-teen girl’s friendships mean, ’cause we’ve all been there.
I’m doing everything I currently know how to do to hold my own against the S and remain a team player in the home school community. I just ordered 4 books I intend to apply to my interpersonal deficiencies. I hope I can learn to be the kind of person who addresses small sources of conflict appropriately as they occur. In the past I suspect I’ve let little things go until they snowballed. One of the books in particular may help me work on this shortcoming.
Lovefraud has been a huge source of insights for me. I’m grateful. I’m humbly aware that most of you have dealt with much more serious problems than the issues I’m wading through. I’m focusing so much energy on my cluster B issues because I think the problem is going to follow me around until I get better at dealing with it.
Rune,
“I left behind my home, furniture, personal possessions and I haven’t had the strength or resources to try to reclaim anything. All this, while he uses the home foundation I built to fleece new souls.”
Wow! I totally understand about walking away in horror and not going back. You left a lot to get away from him.
I guess it must have seemed like a housefire, only worse. I bet you’re going to rebuild bigger and better. What are your plans?
EC: Thank you for asking.
I forget the source, but one spiritual axiom is, “If you want to make God laugh, say, ‘I have a plan.'” In the almost two years, I have made many plans. I’ve worked hard to fulfill them, and I have watched every one go up in smoke. Some of those plans I’d worked two, three, four years to bring to fruition. Gone. Some plans were short term. One was napalmed by yet another S/P masquerading as a publisher who didn’t pay for hundreds of hours of work. (You take what you can get, and something seemed better than nothing. Was that so I could learn about yet another face of psychopathy?)
I think of Job. I do not curse God, and if that’s laughter I hear, it sounds more like a gentle, sympathetic chuckle from someone who hopes I “get” the big lesson here, and find the doorway out of this maze of frustration.
I do know that I’ve learned things I didn’t think it was possible for me to learn to this depth. Somehow I’m still hanging onto a few resources — the computer, the dogs, most of my wits!
I guess I’ve been spending a lot of time here lately because it’s a place where I can, shall we say, do ministry? Be of some service? Perhaps I’m waiting while the Universe turns so that the next step will be made plain to me. Yes, like a housefire, only no one can see it. All they see is my incomprehensible pain.
Rune,
It’s interesting you mention Job. He didn’t get much sympathy either.
” incomprehensible pain ” pretty much sums up the impact of the N/P/S on his/her victim. Nobody gets it except those who’ve been there. It’s pretty much a waste of time to look to anyone but fellow sufferers for empathy.
My 11 year old daughter has a sweet little pink t-shirt with a charming pastoral graphic and a caption that reads “Build a Bridge and Get Over It”. It’s rather cute, and I heartily approve of the message. Usually I do just that. Why is it so hard after even a minor run in with an N/P/S?
I dunno. It just does. I don’t say much to anyone about it, ’cause I know I’m “supposed” to be long over it by now. While it’s getting easier, I have to say that being confronted with the incontrovertable evidence that someone is N, P or S is like catching an unsolicited, unexpected glimpse of satan. How do you explain that sort of experience to people who’ve never been there? I don’t think we can.
I’ve gotta go sew a raccoon costume for my son to wear in a play about 9 days from now. Wish me luck. Sewing is not my strong suit.
G’night!
I’ll bet he’ll be an adorable “bandit.” Be sure to tell him about washing his food before he eats it!
Yes, when I looked into his eyes when he dropped the mask, I was looking straight into the essence of evil. Part of my struggle is to reconcile this truth with my long-held beliefs about redemption and the precious value of each human soul in God’s eyes.
You are so fortunate to have figured out what you are dealing with. I think of a “friend” of my parents who is always looking for an excuse to get everyone to drop to their knees and pray. Other actions in his life, along with some of the personality traits that Liane Leedom mentions, suggest strongly that he is psychopathic. He takes a little too much pleasure in being around other people’s pain. It’s the absolute opposite of how I’m wired, and I think most of us here on LF. I think that’s why it is so difficult for us to reconcile.
Peggy,
This is a subject near to my heart lately. I feel recently, that I have been obsessing more….over the things that happened and the lies he told. Some of it is anger with myself but mostly anger with him, and angry that I didn’t do the damage I could have when I learned the truth about him.
Your post inspires me though. Recently I have also had some very euphoric feelings of happiness that I vaguely recall happening prior to the breakup with the S/P. I want to believe that maybe this is a sign that I am truly feeling better and moving on to a new phase of healing, despite some of the anger I still feel.
I decided to write my own letter to him. Ox said she prayed for her offenders, even though it was difficult. I will try that too if I can keep from throwing up in my moth a little. I DO WANT TO FORGIVE. But it’s a selfish desire. I want to feel better myself and rid my heart and mind of the painful experience and I want to try to forgive in the hope that these bad feelings disappear. I will tell you that I have been interviewing for jobs in another state. I pray to God that I am offered a new position so that I can leave this place behind, never to run into him again.
Here goes:
Dear D___,
My heart is burdened with the pain of vengefulness. In order to rid myself of this pain, I must rid myself of the memory of what was, was not and will never be with you. You see, I already know the truth. I am smarter than the rest. You didn’t count on that. For that I am proud of my courage to confront you each time.
I am capable of loving and feeling and having relationships with people who care for me too. They love who I am, was and dream of being. I have a soul and a spirit that has been temporarily diminished with your evil being and controlling ways. And my spirit will thrive again. I will be OK.
But before I can move forward, turn off the light and close this door, I must tell you that I forgive you for all you have done to me and my children. I understand and know all that I need to know now. And for the last time I feel REAL pity for you.
I wanted to believe that you were the man you professed to be. The kind of man I want and deserve in my life, who can sustain a passionate and loving life with me, who is truthful, respectful, and shows integrity. I was wrong about you and for that I forgive myself. You are just a small man injected with human growth hormone. Your strength comes from violating others and creating fear through controlling women and children. You are not strong because of the courageous person you are. As we now know, those stories are lies. You did not suffer REAL adversity. But your victims, and your own children have and will because of you. I hope they can forgive you too someday.
Thank you for all that I have learned because of you and for making me even stronger than before. My life will only get better. I’m sorry that yours never will. I pray for those you have hurt and I pray for those you target next.
I won’t look back and waste one more day, hour, second asking why. It doesn’t really matter. But the rest of MY life does matter. For in reality, you have already forgotten. I forgive you but I will not forget.
Sincerely,
Me
OK, so it has a little angry edge to it….. but I feel strong today !! 🙂
I remember my therapist saying that you can’t rush healing and he knows how impatient I can be, particularly with myself. He told me that it’s not over until I decide it’s over. Then I will stop thinking and obsessing about it. He said that when we obsess, we sometimes “haven’t told our story enough”. I believe that’s the need for therapy and that’s what good therapists are for and blogs like this and people like all of you. Thank you for that and all that you write.
I remember one of his friends telling me to stop telling people about the things he lied about and did to me and the kind of woman I found him in bed with. he told me I was embarrassing myself. I told him he should be embarrassed for even saying that to me. I found that I WAS doing the right thing by letting people know who he was and what he had done. Maybe it was more therapeutic for me and maybe they really didn’t care. maybe they even rolled their eyes and laughed. But they too have daughters, sisters, and other significant people in their lives who may be targeted sometime. I hope they remember too.