By Peggy Whoever
Today I had an epiphany, certainly my first, and perhaps the only one I shall receive in this lifetime. I consider myself blessed.
I equate this epiphany, an almost supernatural experience, as being akin to what someone on LSD may have experienced, whereby every nerve ending, and the synapses within every cell is felt at a deep sensory level, where there is a oneness and synchronicity within me and outside of me, a oneness with the universe. (No, I have never experimented with drugs!)
I equate this feeling with Abraham Maslow’s study of “peak experiences”. This is a rare moment, sometimes a once-in-a lifetime vision, comprehension, and/or deep level of spirituality. I have the chills although I am not cold, a shivering awareness of truth. This moment left me utterly speechless. (A rare moment!)
I want to make it perfectly clear that this state of forgiveness has been a raging battle within me, an anguishing war that has lasted 1 year, 3 months and 23 days. But today, truly, I have forgiven the sociopath—and consequently I have set myself free.
I wrote him one last letter, below, (which will never be sent). Thousand(s) of hours of study, the help of my friends and family, and finding Lovefraud, has contributed greatly to my comprehension, hence the forgiveness. Today I read about serpents and scorpions, and how “they are what they are” and cannot be otherwise. Likewise, sociopaths “are whom they are” and they predictably do what sociopaths do”¦which is to bleed us dry emotionally, physically, financially, and perhaps most harmfully, spiritually and/or soulfully. The result of forgiving him is that the pain and anger has disappeared within in my own being”¦and subsequently I have regained the strength within ME. In forgiving the sociopath, I have reclaimed my joy and my ability to function normally, fully, and potentially at a much higher level than before.
Dear _ _ _ :
You are forgiven.
Yes, as of this day, this moment in time, I forgive you.
In no way do I condone the choices you have made nor the behaviors you have exhibited.
I deplore the things you have done that have caused extreme emotional pain to many innocent victims.A snake can only be a snake and strike without warning at a moment’s notice. A scorpion will sting. A sociopath is, and always will be, a sociopath.
YOU are missing the essential elements of humanity: love, joy, peace, kindness, compassion, and a conscience. You will never find fulfillment in the materialism and power-mongering that consumes you. You may become the “richest” person or most powerful person on earth, yet you will forever have only emptiness within you.
I feel great sorrow and pity beyond measure for your inability to feel and be fully human. The greatest treasures in life are not measured in gold, nor possessions, but are held within one’s heart. You are very poor indeed.
Your departure, and the resulting obsessing, ruminating, distress, research and investigation has led me on an ultimate journey to the center of my own soul. Forgiving you has brought me to a place of comprehension, great joy, and”¦peace.
Sincere Regards,
Me
I have come to believe that forgiveness is a state of higher consciousness, a higher vibration and an escalated plane in the realm of human existence. Indeed, the sociopaths dastardly deeds of lying, promiscuity, stealing, aggression, embezzling, and a range of unethical and illegal activities—as well as tromping on people’s hearts—has ultimately given me an incredible, life-altering gift that I wish for you, dear Lovefraud friends”¦
The gift of forgiveness.
Blessings and Peace,
Peggywhoever
P.S. I want to thank AlohaTraveler for her friendship, insights and wit during this healing process.
God only ask of me to forgive. No were in the bible did I ever read that we had to forget…
“I’ve reached a stage where I doubt that I can interact with any, once I recognize them. I’ve seen too many ways that they take my help, words, thoughts, etc., and somehow find a way to turn it against me. Or use it inappropriately to ensnare others.’
Rune on this I too feel that way. I just can’t even be in the same room with someone who shows personality traits of a P or S. Maybe because I was around my ex P/S for so long and saw too much that it left a taste in my mouth that even today is unbearable for me. For me they have a very hard time hiding themselves from me. And sometimes I wonder if they know that themselves for I seen them withdraw from me very quickly. How these “power moves” end quickly when I see them being played on me. Sociopaths prey only on the weak not the strong so if one of them tires and then fail they leave quickly back into the shadows from whence they came. My ex S/P did give me something! She gave me the knowledge and wisdom to know these types of individuals and then know how to avoid them like a heart attack…
Really I wish we had a edit on this site
“Sociopaths prey only on the weak not the strong so if one of them tires and then fail they leave quickly back into the shadows from whence they came.”
Should be tries and then fails…… oh well 🙂
James, Oxy, Elizabeth,
Forgiveness is as much, or more, for us than for the P/S. Carrying the burdens of betrayal, hurt, and anger are like a festering wound. It is a very unhealthy, and unnatural state. Once we recognize the personality traits, and disordered minds of these individuals, we cannot ever expect integrity nor empathy from them. They cannot give what they do not possess.
I have come to believe that only through forgiveness can we move forward. Not that we ever condone, or approve or their deplorable behaviors…never. But we have all had the “aha” moment of recognition. And this causes deep soul searching and introspection; we have consequently traveled places and met people (including our Lovefraud friends) that we would never have otherwise known. An experience with a P/S is very painful, but indeed does open the door for tremendous personal growth.
Even after forgiveness, there is still more processing and soul work to be done. There is still a road ahead to being “complete” or “whole” and healed. Forgiveness is not, in my estimation, like waving a magic wand and wa-la, everything is grand again.
Forgiveness is just one of many steps. There were several steps proceeding forgiveness, and certainly many steps afterwards before we become self-actualized individuals. (See Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs if you are interested in this):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs
keeping_faith:
Your letter was inspirational and beautiful.
Blessings and Peace,
Peggy
James: I actually think some of them go after the strong and powerful among us. We’re like trophy game to them. Then there are the hyenas who come around to chew on us after we’re weakened by the “big game hunters.”
What I didn’t have before was the understanding of this level of evil. Would I see it in Bernie Madoff’s eyes if I met him? Maybe. Maybe not. But now I know that this sort of profound pathology exists, and worst of all, it can masquerade as “good.” I am also quicker to spot it. Maybe they back off from us because they sense that we won’t fall into the same steps and do the dance that took us down before.
Can I forgive? Every day has some new wreckage that is the ongoing result of the S/P’s predations. How do I deal with that?
I am pretty raw, but I am pretty sure that I will never forgive him. I am just not going to let anger eat away at me. If I were to write him a letter I am pretty sure it would consist of two words “drop dead” or maybe three “go f— yourself.” Forgiving, eh, it seems like forgiving a sheet of paper for giving you a paper cut, because it is meaningless to them. But I am not trying to be disrespectful to someone more advanced in the processes way of coping, this is just how I personally feel.
Dear “Peggy” (wink wink)
I think you are a great friend full of wisdom and spunk! I can hear in your voice that your zest for life has returned but it is seated in wisdom! Thanks for being my editor, my friend who really gets it and just for being YOU!
XO from Me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Bad Man,
I have really grown as a person and as a woman as a result of meeting you. It’s not what you did for me.. it’s what I have done for myself since I left your ass!
Here’s how I feel most days now that you are a distant memory…… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMyDJMAlHGI
My life is great now!
Me
P.S. I don’t miss you at all!
eliza,
I am laughing so hard…..thank you for that. I really wanted to say that !!! I know you are hurting and I am not laughing at you but I admire your spunk and spirit and strength. I think you will be fine.
Thank you K_F. It makes me smile to have made you smile, and I mean that!
I meant no disrespect whatsoever though to Peggy, because I think whatever helps you out and is theraputic, because this is crazy hard stuff to deal with.
eliza, I don’t think offense is taken here. There are often differences of opinion but YOU GOTTA LAUGH!! OK my turn, the xS/P cried as he told me a story of being tortured as a Navy SEAL on a mission. he said that he had electrodes hooked to his testicles and he was shocked. he cried HARD. I felt so bad. He said he thinks that’s why his testicles are so small now.
What he didn’t tell me was that he had been abusing steroids for years and THAT’s why he had tiny little balls. I found used and unused needles in his apartment. He also had all the other symptoms of steroid abuse and had a heart attack this past year.
Although it’s a sad thing that he is so physically sick……people laugh when I tell them that story. I ultimately learned that he was in the Navy for four months before he was kicked out!!
OK, now I am rolling!!! You deserve a man with normal balls for sure lady!!!! HAHA!