By Peggy Whoever
Today I had an epiphany, certainly my first, and perhaps the only one I shall receive in this lifetime. I consider myself blessed.
I equate this epiphany, an almost supernatural experience, as being akin to what someone on LSD may have experienced, whereby every nerve ending, and the synapses within every cell is felt at a deep sensory level, where there is a oneness and synchronicity within me and outside of me, a oneness with the universe. (No, I have never experimented with drugs!)
I equate this feeling with Abraham Maslow’s study of “peak experiences”. This is a rare moment, sometimes a once-in-a lifetime vision, comprehension, and/or deep level of spirituality. I have the chills although I am not cold, a shivering awareness of truth. This moment left me utterly speechless. (A rare moment!)
I want to make it perfectly clear that this state of forgiveness has been a raging battle within me, an anguishing war that has lasted 1 year, 3 months and 23 days. But today, truly, I have forgiven the sociopath—and consequently I have set myself free.
I wrote him one last letter, below, (which will never be sent). Thousand(s) of hours of study, the help of my friends and family, and finding Lovefraud, has contributed greatly to my comprehension, hence the forgiveness. Today I read about serpents and scorpions, and how “they are what they are” and cannot be otherwise. Likewise, sociopaths “are whom they are” and they predictably do what sociopaths do”¦which is to bleed us dry emotionally, physically, financially, and perhaps most harmfully, spiritually and/or soulfully. The result of forgiving him is that the pain and anger has disappeared within in my own being”¦and subsequently I have regained the strength within ME. In forgiving the sociopath, I have reclaimed my joy and my ability to function normally, fully, and potentially at a much higher level than before.
Dear _ _ _ :
You are forgiven.
Yes, as of this day, this moment in time, I forgive you.
In no way do I condone the choices you have made nor the behaviors you have exhibited.
I deplore the things you have done that have caused extreme emotional pain to many innocent victims.A snake can only be a snake and strike without warning at a moment’s notice. A scorpion will sting. A sociopath is, and always will be, a sociopath.
YOU are missing the essential elements of humanity: love, joy, peace, kindness, compassion, and a conscience. You will never find fulfillment in the materialism and power-mongering that consumes you. You may become the “richest” person or most powerful person on earth, yet you will forever have only emptiness within you.
I feel great sorrow and pity beyond measure for your inability to feel and be fully human. The greatest treasures in life are not measured in gold, nor possessions, but are held within one’s heart. You are very poor indeed.
Your departure, and the resulting obsessing, ruminating, distress, research and investigation has led me on an ultimate journey to the center of my own soul. Forgiving you has brought me to a place of comprehension, great joy, and”¦peace.
Sincere Regards,
Me
I have come to believe that forgiveness is a state of higher consciousness, a higher vibration and an escalated plane in the realm of human existence. Indeed, the sociopaths dastardly deeds of lying, promiscuity, stealing, aggression, embezzling, and a range of unethical and illegal activities—as well as tromping on people’s hearts—has ultimately given me an incredible, life-altering gift that I wish for you, dear Lovefraud friends”¦
The gift of forgiveness.
Blessings and Peace,
Peggywhoever
P.S. I want to thank AlohaTraveler for her friendship, insights and wit during this healing process.
Rune,
I know several seals. They’re all small, mild mannered guys who live for their brothers and their families. They don’t boast, but sometimes they get hammered and swap lies with their own kind. Seriously, the way to know a seal from the wannabes is the love. They are really tight. If they need something or want to talk over something important, chances are they’ll call on a brother. If he’s a seal, other seals will call on him regularly. That’s the easiest way to tell.
They tend to be low key, but very aware of everyone and everything around them. They can be extroverted or not, they’re all individuals. Regardless, they have a degree of self confidence that lends them a calm “nothing to prove” demeanor.
Wow, are there any REAL navy seals? Does the profession even exist? LOLOL
I think the forgiveness part is really crucial to really getting on with my life. It has been coming for me very naturally. It’s not something I sit down and try to do. I knew him for only 2-1/2 months. I am 48, so he was really a blip on my radar screen time-wise, even though he hurt me very badly. I really don’t feel any bad feelings toward him at this point, except I know if he ever appeared in my life again, such as on my internet forum, I’d need to leave. I talked a lot here for a while about how the things sociopaths do are not really personal, just like a snake’s strike is not personal. I personally believe, based on what I’ve read, that they actually are missing a piece that would make them human. I think if I were missing that piece, I would behave the same way. So would anyone. They are just being what they are. He is not worth wasting any more anger over. I have actually prepared myself for worst case scenarios. What if he is dating one of my forum friends? What if he is talking trash about me to everyone I know? What if? So if that is the case, I have made a decision ahead of time. I choose to live my life in peace. None of these things are worth my time and attention. Anyone who would believe him and befriend him is not someone I want in my life. Period.
I cannot say all of my life problems are solved. I’m dealing with some other things right now, but I actually don’t devote any thinking to the S until I come on this site.
eliza and Keeping_faith,
Your conversation is hilarious!
Keeping-Faith, I loved that you found out the truth…. about his balls. He did it to himself. This kind of reminds me of when the Bad Man took pictures of himself in my undies. I was so grossed out. Now, I just think of this big pathetic perv in my undies. He was a damn mess. HAHA! I think this is a memory I shall cherish!
Eliza, I love that you said the truth. “Drop Dead” is a VERY HONEST sentiment. Short and to the point! I wish I had thought of that. BTW, I believe it’s a healthy step in your healing. Go with it for awhile.
Forgiveness looks different for all of us. For me, forgiveness has been about forgiving myself for not taking care of me, and standing up for me. I needed to forgive myself for allowing someone to treat me in ways there were totally unacceptable and looking back honestly, totally absurd.
I forigve me now. I don’t even really think about forgiving the Bad Man. I don’t care. He is long gone and I am dealing only with me. For some people, finding a way to forgive the disordered partner is important. For me, it wasn’t.
I shifted my focus off of the Bad Man early on in my healing… well, let me restate that. I spent a year circling in my head endlessly about the Bad Man. My real healing began once I abandond him in my mind and scooped myself up in my arms. I had to stop worrying about him and what he was doing and to whom.
I started to look at me. I wrote about this in my first essay… “Once Upon a Time….”
I feel strongly that this is the way to heal the fastest but I remind myself.. this worked for me. It might not work for others.
I am over 3 and a half years out of this train wreck of a time in my life.
I am grateful for the lessons… and when I need a laugh, I can always recall the Bad Man sitting there in my undies and me trying to take him seriously and trying desperately not to laugh and say it straight like I would now… “Bad Man.. WTF? Those aren’t even your size!”
Have an excellent day LoveFraud Friends!
I posted it on another thread, but before I go to sleep I want to verbalize here that I am working on forgiving myself first and foremost. Because I deserve it, my heart was good and loving and giving, and I am not going to punish myself forever for being so human. If I weren’t, I would be him. I will forgive me. Goodnight everyone, and I just want to say I am so thankful that this site exists and am thankful for everyone participating here, many of you have been helping me with your stories and information for months, long before I first logged in a few days ago.
I know this is off topic but I found this today and wanted to share it at LF. One thing about the writer is how often she talks about “him not wanting to be alone and how much he hated it”. This is of course one thing I seen in so many of these dysfunctional relationships with our ex S/P’s. I know this is something I did see in my ex. How very much they fear this aloneness and how little they invest in themselves….
It’s very long but I believe worth the time to read it..
http://www.jamescrenshaw.blogspot.com/
Peggy: Thank you for posting the letter you wrote, I really appreciate it. I too have been through 1000’s of hours of thinking and reading and hopefully one day my journey to myself will be complete. Thanks!! 🙂
Aloha,
LMAO… about “Captain-Whack-a Do” grossing you out in your undies!!!!
“Carnie” (my x-S named by my teen-age daughter in honor of carnival workers) once told me to close my eyes he had a “suprise”…To my disgust he was standing there in my (way-to-small undies)…. YUCK!!!!
I don’t give a sh**t about trying to forgive him… For now I’ll delegate that monumental task to God…..I am just grateful that every day,week and month of “No Contact” has helped me to heal and forgive myself a little more for ever putting up with him….
Thanks guys for the laughs! Aloha, the picture in my mind is ust TOOOOO MUCH! and a good laugh (even gallows humor) is good for us all.
I’m so glad to see so many of you “lurkers” get out here and share with us! This has been a great week on LF.
You know, some of the things that are the UN-funniest (at the time that they happen), later, become some of the FUNNIEST memories…some of the most embarassing, humiliating things that happen to us, become some of the most treasured “family memories.” I’m not sure ALL of my P-memories will ever attain that status, but there are a few of them, siimilar to Aloha’s “undies story” that in retrospect are really QUITE FUNNY.
The thread that talks about how if you pity someone, you can’t distrust them at the same time ought to say also that if you LAUGH AT SOMEONE, you can’t fear them at the same time. And when you get right down to it, if you are ever going to laugh at ANYTHING that is a “mistake of nature” it would be the Psychopath—yea, they are kind of like a poison snake, too, but they are so ugly and empty inside that they are almost pathetic (but no pity for them)!
“You continued to try to manipulate my faith right up to the end when in return to my parting message of Divine forgiveness after you’d again recently contacted me, you not only blamed me for your current fraud predicament, but you also accused me of being religiously hypocritical by responding with, “You say all that then open the can of worms, does not compute.” The Word always computes and as I’ve told you many times, I stand upon the Word. I didn’t open this can of worms, you did. Instead, I am closing it. I am not Pentecostal, but I now know subservience is of universal design and it does not enslave it enhances, and love and forgiveness do not sweep sin under the rug, it is to be duly dealt with in mercy and justice. Give truth the chance it deserves, James. Therein lies your victory.”
This blog just reminded me just how much there might be to forgive….
Indeed each of our stories are the same but very much different…
May God both bless and guide us in our personal journeys….
http://www.jamescrenshaw.blogspot.com/
What is it with these creeps, that they have to make up heroic war hero stories? Mine told me he was in a super secret force that flew into ‘Nam to rescue downed pilots, that me flew all over the world to bring back awol’ers, the list goes on.. His sister told me he was a recruiter for the marines, & he never left the states. He once told me that he & his brother-in-law got trashed one night, & had a who’s got the longest contest. I think my brother-inllaw would have had to have one that is inverted, & he still would have won the contest! LOL