By Peggy Whoever
Today I had an epiphany, certainly my first, and perhaps the only one I shall receive in this lifetime. I consider myself blessed.
I equate this epiphany, an almost supernatural experience, as being akin to what someone on LSD may have experienced, whereby every nerve ending, and the synapses within every cell is felt at a deep sensory level, where there is a oneness and synchronicity within me and outside of me, a oneness with the universe. (No, I have never experimented with drugs!)
I equate this feeling with Abraham Maslow’s study of “peak experiences”. This is a rare moment, sometimes a once-in-a lifetime vision, comprehension, and/or deep level of spirituality. I have the chills although I am not cold, a shivering awareness of truth. This moment left me utterly speechless. (A rare moment!)
I want to make it perfectly clear that this state of forgiveness has been a raging battle within me, an anguishing war that has lasted 1 year, 3 months and 23 days. But today, truly, I have forgiven the sociopath—and consequently I have set myself free.
I wrote him one last letter, below, (which will never be sent). Thousand(s) of hours of study, the help of my friends and family, and finding Lovefraud, has contributed greatly to my comprehension, hence the forgiveness. Today I read about serpents and scorpions, and how “they are what they are” and cannot be otherwise. Likewise, sociopaths “are whom they are” and they predictably do what sociopaths do”¦which is to bleed us dry emotionally, physically, financially, and perhaps most harmfully, spiritually and/or soulfully. The result of forgiving him is that the pain and anger has disappeared within in my own being”¦and subsequently I have regained the strength within ME. In forgiving the sociopath, I have reclaimed my joy and my ability to function normally, fully, and potentially at a much higher level than before.
Dear _ _ _ :
You are forgiven.
Yes, as of this day, this moment in time, I forgive you.
In no way do I condone the choices you have made nor the behaviors you have exhibited.
I deplore the things you have done that have caused extreme emotional pain to many innocent victims.A snake can only be a snake and strike without warning at a moment’s notice. A scorpion will sting. A sociopath is, and always will be, a sociopath.
YOU are missing the essential elements of humanity: love, joy, peace, kindness, compassion, and a conscience. You will never find fulfillment in the materialism and power-mongering that consumes you. You may become the “richest” person or most powerful person on earth, yet you will forever have only emptiness within you.
I feel great sorrow and pity beyond measure for your inability to feel and be fully human. The greatest treasures in life are not measured in gold, nor possessions, but are held within one’s heart. You are very poor indeed.
Your departure, and the resulting obsessing, ruminating, distress, research and investigation has led me on an ultimate journey to the center of my own soul. Forgiving you has brought me to a place of comprehension, great joy, and”¦peace.
Sincere Regards,
Me
I have come to believe that forgiveness is a state of higher consciousness, a higher vibration and an escalated plane in the realm of human existence. Indeed, the sociopaths dastardly deeds of lying, promiscuity, stealing, aggression, embezzling, and a range of unethical and illegal activities—as well as tromping on people’s hearts—has ultimately given me an incredible, life-altering gift that I wish for you, dear Lovefraud friends”¦
The gift of forgiveness.
Blessings and Peace,
Peggywhoever
P.S. I want to thank AlohaTraveler for her friendship, insights and wit during this healing process.
keeping_faith
aloha,
I’m glad the nonsense could make you laugh. There are just TOO many of those stories. It’s sad on one hand that he has actually been able to get me and others to believe even for a period of time. The stories of heroism become more and more bizarre….. like the day his NSA friend was killed and he couldn’t help him and the day he went to Fort Mead to quit the NSA…..all lies. He was probably with women those days.
sstiles, the pownetwork.org has a site that exposes people who tell these lies. it’s against the law to claim to be a soldier or in special forces or a POW if you never were. They helped me to learn the truth and these people take this stuff very seriously. It’s called the Stolen Valor Act. If you want to see a list of sociopaths all in one place. Go there and look.
eliza
To laugh at all the craziness, even though I fell for it, gives me renewed hope. I feel that looking at it now, knowing what I know, I can treat his words with the insensitivity that he treated mine. Invaluable.
keeping_faith
eliza, good for you !! You sound strong. Stay that way!! You will be fine.
Iwonder
Hi All,
I know I haven’t posted lately but today was crazy so I need to share. First of all, the guy from France came home and when he did made plans right away to see me. Then POOF!! Didn’t want to see me anymore because he said I was looking for a serious relationship and he is not at that stage. OK, well for the 2 wks he was gone, he texted, emailed, sent postcard and brought me chocolates. I wonder what I did to scare him off? What do they say? Se la vie?? Next!
Now for the real news. My ex S who as you recall, duped me into putting his name on the deed to my home, used me for a free roof over his head and bilked me out of thousands called. We split up 8 mos ago because he . He called in tears telling me how what he did to me was so wrong and there isn’t a day that goes by he doesn’t regret it. How he realized it is HE who has the problems not the women he is with. He is straightening out his life and doesn’t want to be with anyone. He has his own car now and is looking for his own apt. He kept all the text messages I sent about how he hurt me to remind himself of how he didn’t ever want to hurt anyone else ever again. How he needs counseling. How he didn’t see all the beautiful things I did for him were motivated by love in helping him be a better person. How he never really felt empathy before in his life until he felt the pain he caused me. How he realizes he needs to be by himself to get help and fix himself before he can ever be with anyone else. He is going to get a p/t job and work his ass off to make it on his own without living with women anymore. How he needed to hit rock bottom before realizing what is going on. He understands his way of thinking is off and is causing the problems. He thinks people’s motivations are their intentions of being out to get him or hurt him. He needs to work on communicating and opening up and not hiding things from people.
What do you think of all this?? Perhaps there is hope? I said he was so sorry for hurting me a million times. Is he getting it or is it an act?
Iwonder
Let me fix some typos regarding the above post. We split up 8 mos ago because he cheated on me. He had another woman shacked up in town. Last sentence I meant to wrote He said he was so sorry for hurting me a million times.
He also called the pastor and is asking for meetings. He said he needed to hit rock bottom and he’s there. The relationship with the OW is the same as it is with every relationship and he now knows he can’t be with anyone until he gets help. He wants to respect women and not treat them like he has been anymore. He said he never should have cheated on me.
I want to fall off my chair.
We are posting about forgiveness so this is a tough one. I can forgive but can’t forget. If all the shit he’s telling me is true than GLORY BE TO GOD IN THE HIGHEST.
I told him I was worried he lacks empathy and that is what stops us in our tracks from hurting people. I actually explained the empathy process and how it works. How first before you take action you put yourself in the other person’s shoes and imagine how the other person would feel. Then you decide to make that action or not. He said he never thought of this before and he is doing it. Before he does anything he now has to actually stop and think about his actions.
Even if he doesn’t actually feel empathy he knows the concept.
My state of mind?? Hell, I’m having so much fun right now going out dating all different men and how I have so many choices and realizing too that the guys have choices too on who they think will be a good relationship for them. I feel like I’m on an even playing field now. One booted me out but I booted 2 out of the park so this is getting fun. No sleeping around, just going out. I’m over the pain. It’s the forgiveness part I need to deal with. Any suggestions?
Ox Drover
Dear Iwonder,
Glad to see you back! Your question about “is he sincere?”
NOT A SNOW BALL’S CHANCE IN HELL!!!! He is going for a pity play, and wants you (or whomever) to say, “Oh, great, I/we will help you” Bett’ya a buck against a hole in a donut that the OW tossed his butt out and he is frantically trying to get “help” for himself.
After her arrest for buying a gun for a known felon (a felony) and trying to kill my son (her husband) my XDIL wrote the most MOVING LETTER OF APOLOGY TO THE CHURCH, the same day she wrote a letter to her daughter which blamed everything she did ON ME!!!! LOL
Forgiving them is what WE do, but it is for US not them. Forgiving them doesn’t mean we TRUST them. They are proven liars and THE BEST INDICATOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR.
Don’t waste your time getting your hopes up….get that donut hole ready for me, I’ll be collecting it for my “prophesy” before too long. LOL
hens
Iwonder – Good to see you again. but as I was reading your post I was hoping you would not go where you are going. You say you are ok with frenchy calling it quit’s, well bullshit, even I am disappointed in him, and I know any kind of rejection hurts. So now here is the guy that put you through hell and back wanting your attention, hmm wonder why? Let him get his life back together with out you – you can never forget all the chit he did IWONDER~~!! Yes Yes I understand how great and powerful that illusion was/is…..But sweetheart don’t go backward’s, you have come so far. Your X spathhole has some issue’s – he need’s help. but not yours……btw Iwonder will you co-sign on me a new truck?
neveragain
There is a list of requirements that should be met before you go back with someone. It included them going to therapy and demonstrating for an extended period that they have changed. It also includes them committing to joint counseling with you. The list goes on and on, you will find it in the Betrayal Bond book. But when you are dealing with someone who has engaged in the stuff he did, there is no point to therapy. They can’t change. You can forgive him, in that you realize a scorpion is a scorpion, but that doesn’t mean you have to extend a hand and get stung again. STAY AWAY. STAY AWAY. STAY AWAY. This is coming from a woman who gave one man more chances and you know what happened? I got hurt, really badly, THREE MORE TIMES. Please don’t put yourself through that.
hens
I will add to that list of requirement’s, prove that you can live on your own for one year. After that year if you still think I am the one you want, convince my son’s that you want me and want to be a part of my life….., And we all know they can fool us but do you think he would even try with my son’s? Hell no –
Litterbox
I don’t really know where you introduce yourself on this site so I suppose I’ll do it here and if this was the wrong thing to do you can chastise me later. This, by the way, will be the extremely abreviated version of the story. If you want more details I’m happy to share, just ask.
I married a P in 2005, had a son with him in Feb. 2008, got smart and left him in June 2008, and the divorce was final in Oct. 2008. I know I left 99% of the saga out, but I am soooo far from forgiving him it’s not even funny. I have sole custody of our son, but the P still has visitation every Saturday. I often feel like I have done alot of healing during the week, but any time he contacts me I am reminded of what an idiot I was to marry and have a child with him. I have read this site backwards and forwards and the theme seems to be a resounding “get away from them, far, far away”. Unfortunately, when you are an idiot like me and have a child with one you can’t do that. So I spend most of my life hating him and all of my life hating myself. There are days, like today, when I am about half suicidal because it doesn’t seem like life is worth living when you are doomed to the torture/drama/being a P they create. Honestly, the only reason I live at all is because my son needs me, and if I were to kick off the P would get him. I have spoken to my lawyer, but at this point they cannot do anything additional. My lawyer told me that I was darn lucky to get the arrangement I have with sole custody and him only having 8 hours visitation a week. His philosophy at this point is “don’t poke a skunk” it could get worse if we go back to court. My P, like all of them, is very good at being on his best behavior for short periods of time and of course is not above lying to the courts. I am sick of the constant lying and manipulation!!! Sometimes I think he does it just for fun to torture me, other times I don’t think he has the capacity to care if it tortures me or not. I say this jokingly…..mostly……but there are times I would consider hiring a hit just to keep him away from my son and I. I know I did alot of rambling here, but the point was, other than to introduce myself (HI), to say that I would be hard pressed to ever forgive a person who did the kinds of things he did to my family and I.