By Peggy Whoever
Today I had an epiphany, certainly my first, and perhaps the only one I shall receive in this lifetime. I consider myself blessed.
I equate this epiphany, an almost supernatural experience, as being akin to what someone on LSD may have experienced, whereby every nerve ending, and the synapses within every cell is felt at a deep sensory level, where there is a oneness and synchronicity within me and outside of me, a oneness with the universe. (No, I have never experimented with drugs!)
I equate this feeling with Abraham Maslow’s study of “peak experiences”. This is a rare moment, sometimes a once-in-a lifetime vision, comprehension, and/or deep level of spirituality. I have the chills although I am not cold, a shivering awareness of truth. This moment left me utterly speechless. (A rare moment!)
I want to make it perfectly clear that this state of forgiveness has been a raging battle within me, an anguishing war that has lasted 1 year, 3 months and 23 days. But today, truly, I have forgiven the sociopath—and consequently I have set myself free.
I wrote him one last letter, below, (which will never be sent). Thousand(s) of hours of study, the help of my friends and family, and finding Lovefraud, has contributed greatly to my comprehension, hence the forgiveness. Today I read about serpents and scorpions, and how “they are what they are” and cannot be otherwise. Likewise, sociopaths “are whom they are” and they predictably do what sociopaths do”¦which is to bleed us dry emotionally, physically, financially, and perhaps most harmfully, spiritually and/or soulfully. The result of forgiving him is that the pain and anger has disappeared within in my own being”¦and subsequently I have regained the strength within ME. In forgiving the sociopath, I have reclaimed my joy and my ability to function normally, fully, and potentially at a much higher level than before.
Dear _ _ _ :
You are forgiven.
Yes, as of this day, this moment in time, I forgive you.
In no way do I condone the choices you have made nor the behaviors you have exhibited.
I deplore the things you have done that have caused extreme emotional pain to many innocent victims.A snake can only be a snake and strike without warning at a moment’s notice. A scorpion will sting. A sociopath is, and always will be, a sociopath.
YOU are missing the essential elements of humanity: love, joy, peace, kindness, compassion, and a conscience. You will never find fulfillment in the materialism and power-mongering that consumes you. You may become the “richest” person or most powerful person on earth, yet you will forever have only emptiness within you.
I feel great sorrow and pity beyond measure for your inability to feel and be fully human. The greatest treasures in life are not measured in gold, nor possessions, but are held within one’s heart. You are very poor indeed.
Your departure, and the resulting obsessing, ruminating, distress, research and investigation has led me on an ultimate journey to the center of my own soul. Forgiving you has brought me to a place of comprehension, great joy, and”¦peace.
Sincere Regards,
Me
I have come to believe that forgiveness is a state of higher consciousness, a higher vibration and an escalated plane in the realm of human existence. Indeed, the sociopaths dastardly deeds of lying, promiscuity, stealing, aggression, embezzling, and a range of unethical and illegal activities—as well as tromping on people’s hearts—has ultimately given me an incredible, life-altering gift that I wish for you, dear Lovefraud friends”¦
The gift of forgiveness.
Blessings and Peace,
Peggywhoever
P.S. I want to thank AlohaTraveler for her friendship, insights and wit during this healing process.
Iwonder:
I’m totally with Oxy. Stay clear!
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting…they are distinctly different. Protect your heart and your property, and maintain No Contact. A sociopath is always … a sociopath.
Litterbox:
Welcome! Everything you are feeling is “normal” i.e., to feel frustration, anger, revenge, etc. as long as you do not act on those feelings. It would be very difficult to have to see him weekly. I was fortunate not to have a child with mine…but I’m confident it will get better for you with time. Frequently, sociopaths abandon their children.
Come here often, you’ll find new friends who have been through the same thing.
Peace.
Peggy
Litterbox: You are in a great place for support. Welcome.
You are doing great to have gotten away from that guy. All of us here know how traumatic it is to realize who you’ve been with, and to get over all the “stuff.” Ox-Drover wrote about “Washed up and washed out,” pointing out how this stress can take a bite out of us physically, and we should take special care of ourselves to help the healing. You may also not be giving yourself credit for getting through this while at the same time you were dealing with your pregnancy and your new child. You’ve got a triple-whammy affecting your mood, and you should give yourself tremendous credit for being so strong. Even if you feel weak in the moment, you are so powerful and amazing to be making these good choices and being a loving mom and finding this community for support. Give yourself lots of appreciation — you deserve it.
You will want to read Dr. Liane Leedom’s work. She is particularly familiar with the challenges of having a child or children with an S/P. She has written a great deal, and she knows what she’s talking about.
Whatever is going through you mind, know that underneath this moment’s emotions, you are one powerful survivor and you can get through this and thrive. And you have new friends here who will help.
Dear Litterbox: There is nothing you or anyone can do for fixing the likes of your EX… but, you can focus on you and your son. When your Ex comes to see his son for visitation, know before hand to keep your mind on something positive … anything positive. I know this is easier said then done, but you’ve got a legal bond with this idiot and he will NEVER EVER change … and you know this already.
Try NOT to dwell on what a creep he is. That’s his problem, don’t get pulled in to it. The more you keep your mind off his negativity and focus on anything positive, the easier his coming into your life during visitation times will go.
I know this is not easy and seems almost impossible … but, the more you practice ignoring (physically and mentally) him the easier it will be.
Look at the bright side … you have a beautiful son, no matter what a bum his father is. You are the responsible person, you know this already … enjoy raising your son to be the best that he can be.
I’m sorry you got involved with one of “them”. There are so many out there it’s incredible.
Peace to you and your son’s hearts and soul.
Stay with us on this site. Read as much as you can. Blog any time you want (day or night), whoever is on line will write you back.
This has been an excellent subject to read about! I know like all of you, I have been beating the crap out of myself for the last 2 years. The Bible has helped me out a lot. I try to keep in my my, “Forgive him, Father, for he knows not what he does”, & “Vengence is mine, sayeth the Lord”. Some days this is harder to keep in my mind than others. After reading last night into the wee hours, then getting a good nights sleep, I came up with my own letter.
Dear _____,
I forgive you for the horrendous things you have done to me & my children. I know I came into the relationship offering only my heart & all my love, which you seemed hell bent on totally anihilating. I remember saying to you the last night during the final show down, that you have pissed away every one who could ever love you. You once had a wife & 4 kids who loved you, & would have made your days on earth a loving, peaceful haven. YOU destroyed that forever when the mask finally slipped for the last time. You are a pathetic shell. Completely empty. It’s a shame you will live out, to the fullest, your BIGGEST fear, to completely, utterly ALONE. You will forever live alone, no matter who you are with, & you will die, completely, utterly alone. How sad. Your biggest fear will ultimately become your destiny, & you WILL find out in the end what it’s like to be alone with yourself. I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy.
Whew, that was hard! ..& now my “fun fantasy”.. as my ex s. wakes up in my remote cabin, wracked with pain, & totally confused, he will find out he has morphed into Paul Sheldon, & I am his number 1 fan. I am Annie Wilkes, standing over the bed with my 10 pound sledge, with the sickest smile on my face you will ever see. I will swing that cockadoodie sledge will all might might, because, I am your number one fan. Welcome to my nightmare, you f**king spathhole.
hi everyone. i’m back after the visual encounter with my ex-spath. took me two days of crying to get back on an even keel and, hell, all i did was see him from afar!
Iwonder: DON’T GO THERE! he’s not sorry for a g-d thing. he’s just looking for attention. wanting to see who comes to his rescue and believes him this time. don’t let it be you. he can sense that you’re doing okay. the worm is on the hook. it’s danglin’ …
ox: ‘a buck against a hole in a donut’ — i’m filing that one. i was afraid to post last week because i needed a boink and i knew you’d actually do it.
sstiles: your ‘fun fantasy’ scared me. i laughed, but didn’t think it was appropriate that i did! can’t say i don’t feel the same way. when i saw my ex last week in brand-new everything, smiling, laughing, the center of attention as usual, i just wanted him dead. 24 hours of crying and i feel better. but it would still be nice!
hindsight isn’t so good when dealing with these pods, is it. i find myself thinking lately that maybe he’s not a spath and maybe i just became dull and old and fat and that’s why he left. but then i realize, even if that’s true, the cruelty and deception just wasn’t normal. after 25 years of his friendship, i have to admit i miss the hell out of him. but the other side of the coin is that his friendship cost me everything.
still trying to find my way back to me. 5+ months NC.
Dear Litterbox,
Yes, welcome here, and stay here a while, and read and learn and heal.
My suggestion for what it is worth, is that ZERO of them care about the kid, especially a baby. So in order to NC with him, I would let someone else meet him with the child, NOT YOU. Not EVER you. He is using the EXCUSE of seeing the child to continue to torture you. I can almost guarentee (ALMOST)
that if he knows he will not get to see YOU he will shortly quit seeing the child.
If you don’t have a friend that will do it for you, if you have to pay someone to meet him with the baby, but stay away. This is as much for YOU as anything because you wont have to see his hateful face or interact with him.
If none of this can be arranged, then let him come into the living room of your home to see the baby, and you stay in the bedroom (this is assuming you are not afraid he will kidnap the baby) and do not interact with him. When he gets ready to go, he knocks on the door, leaves the house and you come out. If he is still there, go back inside the bedroom and do not talk to him through the door. Put your fingers in your ears and do NOT LISTEN either.
Dear LIG,
Please do not be afraid ever to post here because you think we will “disapprove” of anything you have done. My dear friend LIG, if ever there is a group of people who KNOW pretty well what you are feeling and going through, this group is it. As far as me boinking someone, I only boink those that need their attention brought to what they are doing, not ever to punish anyone, and it is a joke in any case.
Everyone of us here has done things that later turned out to be painful. I kept trying to communicate with my mother for example and people on another blog were telling me, NC NC NC, but I couldn’t make myself realize I had to go NC with her in order to heal, that I would never heal as long as I tried to reason with her. She may or may not be an N or P, but she is TOXIC none the less with her punitive enabling of the Ps. I can’t change that. I can’t live with that. It has to be NC with her for MY sake.
Everytime I have gone back or seen her (even by accident) it ALWAYS resulted in PAIN. Recently when I ran into her in a store and she tried to talk to me, and grabbed at my arm, instead of walking on by, I did try to confront her, and BOY DID I PAY FOR IT. I will avoid that store on the days she usually goes, or avoid it entirely and shop in another town if I have to. I WILL NOT RISK RUNNING INTO HER, and if I do run into her, I WILL KEEP ON WALKING LIKE SHE IS A POTTED PLANT, NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES OR SAYS. I will NOT engage. The price is too high for ME.
(((((hugs)))))) and more ((((hugs))))) and my prayers always!!! Oxy
ox: i was teasing you. but standing there and watching him in his element — gorgeous, young, smiling, charming, animated — did me in for two days. i needed a boink just for stopping to watch. i stood there, feeling the opposite of him — old, rusty, burnt out, ragged, invisible. i was actually surprised he didn’t see me; he never misses a trick. the loneliness that crept in was overwhelming. i haven’t even been hugged since june. i ache for him in so many ways. but i’d rather die than let him hear my voice, than ever let him near me.
i read your posts about your encounter with your mother. i’m so sorry for your pain … for everybody’s pain. i’ve been doing pretty well, at least with maintaining no contact, but i feel this constant low-grade depression. when s/p/n was around i’d clean and decorate and cook and primp. since he’s been gone, i could care less. my place is a wreck, i’ve gained another 20 lbs and i look like hell. just can’t seem to pull myself together. it’s all i can do to go to work and get home again without losing control of the tears.
most of the time i blame myself for the breakup — if only i’d lost weight, been prettier, younger, better, tried harder. i know that’s bullshit, but i feel that way anyway. he’s happy, i’m not. he’s moved on — new gf, new baby, still has wife and kids safely tucked in another state — and i haven’t. he looks great and i surely don’t. he has everything and i have nothing.
my heart is broken. i try to pretend it’s all okay, i’m better off without him and of course, i enjoy the peace, the lack of drama, the not-walking-on-eggs. but i miss laying in his arms, and his kisses and the sex and the laughter and the company. after 20+ years, i was so completely expendable; no discussion, no apologies. the thought that it was ALL fake is overwhelming. i gave him all the love and blessings and care. i provided him a soft place to land. you know, the same thing you all gave, too. but he was the only one i loved for all those years. i just don’t know where to begin again. i go to work. i come home. i know i should be getting out and doing things, but i’m too tired and i don’t really care.
the spath wiped me out emotionally, financially and spiritually. every time i think i’m healing, i realize i’m not. since i saw him, i’ve been crying day and night. i think what bothers me most is that he could walk away from me so easily and yet, keep his relationship with his wife and new gf. why was i the expendable one? sounds weird, right. i know in reality i’m the lucky one. it just doesn’t feel that way. i trusted his ‘love’ for me. we were close as hell. or were we.
i know i’ll be fine, but oddly i feel worse now than i did a couple of months ago. why is that?
LIG: You’re on a rollercoaster that is — unfortunately — normal. Just keep riding, and remember, as the signs say, “Don’t lift your hands in the air,” and above all, “Don’t stand up!!!”
I believe these waves of “fine” and “not-fine” are part of the process. The hard thing is to remember that the “not-fine” parts will also pass.
If you can choose to do a couple of things to naturally boost your feel-good chemicals, that can help you with these down times, and will help your overall recovery. Taking a walk will stir up the body chemicals, release toxins, and if you can put your mental concentration on your actions, you can even turn it into a meditation — sort of like a version of Tai Chi. A bath is good — especially if you imagine your toxic thoughts, and any toxic thoughts he threw at you, being leeched out of you, absorbed in the bathwater and then going down the drain to be gone forever. (Keep doing that exercise — whether it’s in the shower or in the bath. That imagery really does work.)
I told someone recently that in the first few months I was in a shock state where I hadn’t fully understood how many levels there were to this betrayal. Yes, it did get worse in some ways, but I also had the benefit of knowing in my head what had caused this trauma. Then my heart and my body had to catch up with the information.
Be very gentle with yourself. Be very, very kind.
rune:
even the tenderness of your words got me crying, but in a good way, of course. i think my body and my soul are in shock at the absence of love and attention. it physically hurts.
thank you for caring.