By Peggy Whoever
Today I had an epiphany, certainly my first, and perhaps the only one I shall receive in this lifetime. I consider myself blessed.
I equate this epiphany, an almost supernatural experience, as being akin to what someone on LSD may have experienced, whereby every nerve ending, and the synapses within every cell is felt at a deep sensory level, where there is a oneness and synchronicity within me and outside of me, a oneness with the universe. (No, I have never experimented with drugs!)
I equate this feeling with Abraham Maslow’s study of “peak experiences”. This is a rare moment, sometimes a once-in-a lifetime vision, comprehension, and/or deep level of spirituality. I have the chills although I am not cold, a shivering awareness of truth. This moment left me utterly speechless. (A rare moment!)
I want to make it perfectly clear that this state of forgiveness has been a raging battle within me, an anguishing war that has lasted 1 year, 3 months and 23 days. But today, truly, I have forgiven the sociopath—and consequently I have set myself free.
I wrote him one last letter, below, (which will never be sent). Thousand(s) of hours of study, the help of my friends and family, and finding Lovefraud, has contributed greatly to my comprehension, hence the forgiveness. Today I read about serpents and scorpions, and how “they are what they are” and cannot be otherwise. Likewise, sociopaths “are whom they are” and they predictably do what sociopaths do”¦which is to bleed us dry emotionally, physically, financially, and perhaps most harmfully, spiritually and/or soulfully. The result of forgiving him is that the pain and anger has disappeared within in my own being”¦and subsequently I have regained the strength within ME. In forgiving the sociopath, I have reclaimed my joy and my ability to function normally, fully, and potentially at a much higher level than before.
Dear _ _ _ :
You are forgiven.
Yes, as of this day, this moment in time, I forgive you.
In no way do I condone the choices you have made nor the behaviors you have exhibited.
I deplore the things you have done that have caused extreme emotional pain to many innocent victims.A snake can only be a snake and strike without warning at a moment’s notice. A scorpion will sting. A sociopath is, and always will be, a sociopath.
YOU are missing the essential elements of humanity: love, joy, peace, kindness, compassion, and a conscience. You will never find fulfillment in the materialism and power-mongering that consumes you. You may become the “richest” person or most powerful person on earth, yet you will forever have only emptiness within you.
I feel great sorrow and pity beyond measure for your inability to feel and be fully human. The greatest treasures in life are not measured in gold, nor possessions, but are held within one’s heart. You are very poor indeed.
Your departure, and the resulting obsessing, ruminating, distress, research and investigation has led me on an ultimate journey to the center of my own soul. Forgiving you has brought me to a place of comprehension, great joy, and”¦peace.
Sincere Regards,
Me
I have come to believe that forgiveness is a state of higher consciousness, a higher vibration and an escalated plane in the realm of human existence. Indeed, the sociopaths dastardly deeds of lying, promiscuity, stealing, aggression, embezzling, and a range of unethical and illegal activities—as well as tromping on people’s hearts—has ultimately given me an incredible, life-altering gift that I wish for you, dear Lovefraud friends”¦
The gift of forgiveness.
Blessings and Peace,
Peggywhoever
P.S. I want to thank AlohaTraveler for her friendship, insights and wit during this healing process.
Dear LIG,
I’m so glad you were teasing (that teasing thing doesn’t always come across in type) so next time you tease write”(wink”) beside it so I will know. I would just “DIE” if I hurt someone with my posts! Or set someone back, that is the LAST thing I want to do.
What Rune says about the roller coaster ride is true, we go back and forth in the various stages of grief—google up Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and/or the “grief process” and look at all the different stages. They do not go 1-2-3-4-5 OK, they go, 1,4, 3, 2,5,1, etc etc. up and down around the curves etc. and “don’t stand up”—-one of the things that (as Wini says) “keeps me humble” is that just when I think I am “healed” I FALL FLAT OF MY FACE. LOL ROTFLMAO
BUT____ this last thing with my mom showed me that though I fell flat on my face and felt the “shot at and missed, chit at and hit” feeling you get after a HUGE shot of adreneline, that it was NO LONGER the “every day, all day ” thing. I could tell the difference in how it made me feel. IN the past I would just be “as usual” and “as ususal” was MISERABLE so I wasn’t “more-miser-able” now if I get “miserable” I can tell it from my “usual” state. And believe me, it is 180 degrees away from the calm I have been living.
I’m sort of “cabiin fevered” here lately with the cold weather we have had and it being too uncomfortable to get outside for very long, and I am TIRED AND SICK AND TIRED OF WINTER ALREADY!~ But, when I do get outside I LOVE it (on nice days) and I know that spring is around the corner, and this is the coldest most miserable winter in 10 years (small comfort! LOL) but I dwell on what I did yesterday or what I will do tomorrow OUTSIDE! and try not to think about BEING MISERABLE AND INSIDE TODAY! LOL
Yesterday I went out and saddled up Fat Ass and gave him a riding lesson and he did very well. Hairy Ass is being a jackass so he is on a tether for a few days (I let him jerk the lead rope out of my hand one day and get away with it, so he was being an ass and taking advantage of me.) so he is tethered with a 50 foot piece of chain to his halter for a few days and then will have to drag about 10 feet of chain fro his halter until he changes his attitude or dies of old age at about age 40 (whichever comes first) I realize that training jackasses is sort of like dealing with a P because they are all about THEMSELVES and to heck with what YOU want….however, they are NOT mean, just selfish, so I guess really they are Ns and not Ps. LOL But I do love them cause their long ears are so fuzzy and cute and as long as I am the “feed-goddess” they love me (how N-ish of them) another thing about them that is N-ish or P-ish, is that “beating” them does absolutely NO good. Does NOT change behavior at all, you have to coaks them to get them to do what you want them to, or bribe them. Or make them think it is their idea.
You know the more I think about it, the more I think Fat and Hairy are fairy high level narcissistic beings! They are so smart, much much smarter than a horse which will do what you want it to (especially to avoid being hit) but the donkeys are not ever really wanting to please you, they want YOU to please THEM. They are also very protective of their safety, so it i s perfectly okay to let Hairy drag the chain (which will slap him in the legs if he holds his head up and runs) whereas a horse would be terrified by that and hurt themselves. If a donkey gets a rope or chain tangled up, they will just stand there and bray at you until you come get them loose, they will not panic and hurt themselves. (see what I mean about the N-ish-ness? and the brains?)
Training them (after working with horses all my life) is a new experience for me, and an interesting challenge. The guy who trimmed their hooves the other day was astounded at how calm they were and how they cooperated so well to something they had only had done once before. I wasn’t at all suprised—unlike horses or mules, they are pretty cool under pressure. (a mule is the sterile offspring of a female horse and a male donkey with some characteristics of both)
Anyway, LIG, the up and down is normal, and so expect them once in a while and don’t despair. My downs are coming less frequently and LASTING 1% as long as they used to. It’s like riding a bike, you are down less often and stay down for less time when you do fall. (((((hugs))))) and hey, if you quit posting I really may have to BOINK you! We miss you Girl Friend!
LIG: Of course you need love. And you can have it. And you can access an abundance of supportive, limitless love if you can let go of the anxiety, the fear, the panic, the static, the “what ifs,” and all the other distracting noise . . .
I’m not a master at this, but I’ve been able to find my way into that state of peace on a more regular basis. People recommend religion and prayer, and I believe those are ways that work for some.
There is a place of “one-ness.” Pearl has described it in her epiphany. I have a friend who works in neuroscience who calls it an “oceanic” experience. Les Fehmi writes about some interesting meditation techniques in his book, “The Open Focus Brain.” He claims that you cannot simultaneously imagine space and have your mind occupied by busy painful thoughts. I’ll paraphrase: “Imagine the distance between your eyes. Imagine the space within your nose. Imagine the distance between your skin and the walls of the room. Imagine the space between your skin and the limitless space of the universe.”
I believe that when we enter that certain mind-space, we access the lower, slower brainwaves that can not only bring us a sense of peace, but that can put out into the Universe (as in prayer?) our deepest soul yearnings, so that the Universe can send us what we need.
Does this work? Well you found the LF community, didn’t you? Even with the static!
Oxy: Interesting how these animals bring us lessons. The S/P had a nasty little dog who was likely to bite for no reason. A prancy thing with a huge attitude. I taught my Australians to put up with him. They questioned my judgment (as they SHOULD have!), but they love me and they even got to where they taught the little so-n-so to run around with them and play. But I never trusted the small dog. He even bit his S/P master on the face. I was deathly afraid his children would get mauled when they nuzzled him, but the S/P just laughed. he thought my worries were funny. Ha!
Iwonder – are you still out there? Your post yesterday about the X coming back into your life after 8 months. I was quick to tell you how I would react and suggested you not go there. Well who the hell am I to say don’t. Part of me ache’s so bad, so deep for what your X is claiming to say..maybe he has seen the error of his ways and perhap’s he does want to change and yes he has seen what a true gift in you that he has lost. Maybe you have learned so much about yourself from this horrible loss, loss of your own identity and the loss of your dream’s. I am not sure how I would react if (M) after almost one year, came to me with such revelations, but I do remember how he could love me and not respect me, how time after time he broke me in half with his deceit. I remember that as much as I loved him, I knew I had to escape from his clutches. Doing the right thing can hurt so bad and for so long. I take back my advice and trust that you know what is right….peace
Rune,
Meditation in just about any form (prayer or beta waves) is beneficial in my opinion.
I have a WAG theory on “Why” it works, but it is just that, my Wild A$$ Guess, but however it works, I have NO doubt it works.
EArly in my professional career I took some classes on “Positive imaging” for cancer patients, and also on “self-hypnosis” and also on “bio-feed back” and I can do SOME of it successfully, and other times if I am too stressed, I can’t seem to get a hold on it, but I can (as measured by a digital thermometer) raise the temperature in the palms of my hands several degrees, lower my blood pressure and heart rate down into a LOW range. Being the oppositional person that I am, I was in the hospital once and didn’t want to be so I lay there and meditated and brought my heart rate to 40 and my BP to 60 over zip just to see the nurses run—(see, I can be a mischevious old bat!) because I was bored and wanted to go home!
I have known people who could STOP arterial bleeding by meditation and “clamping down” on the arteries involved. I know people who have gone through child birth painlessly with self hypnosis and meditation (I am NOT that good, maybe because I dont’ trust myself to be, who knows why?) anyway, meditation does help calm us, slow down our brains, release stress and many other things (in my opinion at least) so I advise everyone who has any confidence in it to give it a shot. It is cheap and isn’t going to hurt a thing, so what have you got to lose? I try to spend some time each day, especially at the end of the day, meditating and self calming. Even just a few minutes.
Rune, I’ve trained dogs most of my life, and dogs will to a great extent do what their masters allow them to do. My dogs are well behaved and I am definitely the benovelent dictator because dogs understand the “pecking order” of the pack, and I am the alpha to my dogs. They are happy because they know their “place’ and that certain behavior will not be tolerated. They have NO anxiety about a behavior being tolerated or encouraged today and not tomorrow. Life is predictable and safe for them. They trust that I will take care of them. They know that I am predictable. They accept that I am boss, and they can depend on me being consistently kind to them.
When either people or animals don’t know what the rules are, or the rules are always changing, they become anxious. If the punishment is arbitrary and unpredictable there is high anxiety and stress all the time. That is what got to US with the Ps is that the rules were not predictable, the violence was not predictable, there was nothing rational about life or what the cause and effect would be, so we were continually trying to decide a course of action, but under the FEAR that we would make a mistake and percipitate punishment.
I’m not saying that I want a “predictable master” by any means, but the concept of the neurosis percipitated in us, the anxiety percipitated in us by the irregular rules, the changeable rules, and our overwhelming desire to “please” this person that we had given control of our happiness and lives to, is very much like a person who one minute pets his dog, and the next, without warning beats the crap out of it. The poor dog doesn’t have a chance. Neither did we.
But, we are NOT dogs, and we can choose to not associate with such a person, and to NOT give them the power to dominate our every thought and feeling. We can take back our POWER. While my dogs and my jackasses don’t have a choice, the Universe put them under my power, but as animals lives go, I think they have it pretty darned good.
lostingrief: you wrote “i think my body and my soul are in shock at the absence of love and attention. it physically hurts.” Wow, that really hit the nail on the head of how I feel, I never could quite put it into words. I seem to be getting by the same way you are, some good days, some bad. I try not to blame myself, I tell myself “I am good enough”… and he didn’t get the best part of me… he didn’t get ME.
Oxy: I think your point about predictability is excellent.
I also think that on a “long con,” the S/P carries that predictability out to where we really, really trust. Like stretching the rubberband out so far that it seems it could never break, and then it does. Only it’s one of those superthick bungee cords, and when it breaks, it snaps back and tears through us. I think this has something to do with the extent of the trauma we feel.
I have been seeing the HIV positive sociopath alot lately. At the bars, at the gym….I’ve been doing well in dealing with it. Unitl last nite. I made eye contact……and I did not expect he would do what he did. He strutted his way up to me, and while passing turned and looked and gave me the evil smirk. It infuriated me. I went home angry, and had bad dreams about him all nite. I have been in a funk about it all day.
I dont feel this will EVER truly be over until he is dead. He does not ignore me like I ignore him. EVERY chance he gets- he tries to do SOMETHING. Once he followed me out of a bar into the parking lot. Only to dissapear when I got to my car.
How do you forgive a person like this, when you continue to run into them and they continue to show you how evil they really are?
Dear Dodged,
Welcome back, sorry you had a bad day. BTW we have missed you@.......!
I ran into my mother a couple of mondays ago and it went through me like a knife, taking all my energy and leaving me weak as a kitten. I wrote an article here on my experience “Washed out Wrung out: The effects of Stress” so I suggest you read that if you haven’t already.
I can only suggest to you that you AVOID any place he will be. I know that may seem like you are letting him “win”—but what is the PRICE YOU ARE PAYING for being where he can smirk at you? Is it WORTH THE HASSLE to not go to other bars or other gyms?
Forgiveness (getting the anger, wrath and bitterness out of your own heart, NOT having a gushy trustinf feeling for them) can only happen when STOP GETTING FRESH INJURIES.
What are you proving by being where you know he will be? That you can “handle it”? WHY handle it?
I think my dear dodged, that you are simply setting yourself up for more injuries and pain by bieng anywhere around him.
My mom almost always shops at that Wal Mart on Mondays. I didn’t even think about it when C and I went there, but sure enough she was ahead of us in the check out line and I didn’t realize it til she turned back as we tried to pick our way down the narrow check out aisle.
I will NOT shop that store ever again on a monday. If I ever run in to her there on ANY day, I will NEVER SHOP THAT STORE AGAIN, I will drive 3 miles more to another town and go there to shop rather than take a chance of running into her again. I felt SO bad after the encounter that I was weak and wrung out from stress of the encounter, and I realized I do NOT want that feeling again and the ONLY way I can be sure I don’t have it is to AVOID HER like the plague and any place she might turn up. If I do run in to her again, I will give her the “potted plant” treatment and at least pretend I did not see her or acknowledge her in any way.
I don’t care if it makes her think she has “won” and I hve “lost” because in the end whatever makes ME FEEL BETTER is a win for ME. I don’t CARE what she thinks is a win for her, because her opinion doesn’t matter to me any more.
I can forgive past abuses and even the contiuing ones I know she is doing because I ACCEPT she is what she is, I can’t change her, so I don’t have to worry about how to manipulate her to do what I want her to (stop sending money to my P-son) so, the anxiety, the pain and all that is OFF MY BACK NOW. But it is up to ME to protect myself from further injury. ((((hugs)))) Love Oxy
Ox, I in no way have a gushy trusting feeling for him.
How can I forgive him for what he did to me- while knowing he STILL does it to other people?
Impossible.