By Peggy Whoever
Today I had an epiphany, certainly my first, and perhaps the only one I shall receive in this lifetime. I consider myself blessed.
I equate this epiphany, an almost supernatural experience, as being akin to what someone on LSD may have experienced, whereby every nerve ending, and the synapses within every cell is felt at a deep sensory level, where there is a oneness and synchronicity within me and outside of me, a oneness with the universe. (No, I have never experimented with drugs!)
I equate this feeling with Abraham Maslow’s study of “peak experiences”. This is a rare moment, sometimes a once-in-a lifetime vision, comprehension, and/or deep level of spirituality. I have the chills although I am not cold, a shivering awareness of truth. This moment left me utterly speechless. (A rare moment!)
I want to make it perfectly clear that this state of forgiveness has been a raging battle within me, an anguishing war that has lasted 1 year, 3 months and 23 days. But today, truly, I have forgiven the sociopath—and consequently I have set myself free.
I wrote him one last letter, below, (which will never be sent). Thousand(s) of hours of study, the help of my friends and family, and finding Lovefraud, has contributed greatly to my comprehension, hence the forgiveness. Today I read about serpents and scorpions, and how “they are what they are” and cannot be otherwise. Likewise, sociopaths “are whom they are” and they predictably do what sociopaths do”¦which is to bleed us dry emotionally, physically, financially, and perhaps most harmfully, spiritually and/or soulfully. The result of forgiving him is that the pain and anger has disappeared within in my own being”¦and subsequently I have regained the strength within ME. In forgiving the sociopath, I have reclaimed my joy and my ability to function normally, fully, and potentially at a much higher level than before.
Dear _ _ _ :
You are forgiven.
Yes, as of this day, this moment in time, I forgive you.
In no way do I condone the choices you have made nor the behaviors you have exhibited.
I deplore the things you have done that have caused extreme emotional pain to many innocent victims.A snake can only be a snake and strike without warning at a moment’s notice. A scorpion will sting. A sociopath is, and always will be, a sociopath.
YOU are missing the essential elements of humanity: love, joy, peace, kindness, compassion, and a conscience. You will never find fulfillment in the materialism and power-mongering that consumes you. You may become the “richest” person or most powerful person on earth, yet you will forever have only emptiness within you.
I feel great sorrow and pity beyond measure for your inability to feel and be fully human. The greatest treasures in life are not measured in gold, nor possessions, but are held within one’s heart. You are very poor indeed.
Your departure, and the resulting obsessing, ruminating, distress, research and investigation has led me on an ultimate journey to the center of my own soul. Forgiving you has brought me to a place of comprehension, great joy, and”¦peace.
Sincere Regards,
Me
I have come to believe that forgiveness is a state of higher consciousness, a higher vibration and an escalated plane in the realm of human existence. Indeed, the sociopaths dastardly deeds of lying, promiscuity, stealing, aggression, embezzling, and a range of unethical and illegal activities—as well as tromping on people’s hearts—has ultimately given me an incredible, life-altering gift that I wish for you, dear Lovefraud friends”¦
The gift of forgiveness.
Blessings and Peace,
Peggywhoever
P.S. I want to thank AlohaTraveler for her friendship, insights and wit during this healing process.
Dodged A Bullet,
Restructure your life. Find new bars. Find a new gym. I know, it sounds crazy, but give it a try. Oxy’s right. She usually is.
There’s a good chance that it doesn’t have to be forever. Ss don’t lead very stable lives. You can probably return to your old stomping grounds in about 18 months.
Never, ever give him the satisfaction of any kind of reaction. Practice looking at him without focusing on his face. If you have to look at him, look in that manner. It will prevent you from reacting to whatever facial expression he wears. He won’t like it.
This gaze comes naturally to me, because it’s a component of unarmed combat. You bring your awareness out to encompass the person’s entirety, plus the surroundings. This is a pretty good idea when forced into a social situation with an S. When you get to the point where you can observe him without him getting under your skin, you will be able to gather information that will help you avoid him.
Sounds mystical probably. It’s not.
Here’s an example. I have a relative whose love interest is intensely annoying to family and friends. By observing him, we learned he is easily distracted by cartoons. Now we turn on the TV to carton network whenever they come over. He vegs out on cartoons, we relax and enjoy the relative. We never would have figured it out if we hadn’t stopped fantasizing about wringing his neck long enough to observe his weaknesses.
Dear Dodged, I know you don’t have a gushy feeling about him, but what I was trying to say is that “forgiveness” does NOT include that feeling, it is simply ACCEPTING he is what he is, you can’t change that, you can’t fix that, you can’t protect others from him, and you CAN stop being bitter in your heart about him. That TO ME is “forgiveness”—my mother used to try to cram it down my throat that “forgiveness” also included “pretending it didn’t happen.” Or “wasn’t going to happen again” when I knew darn well it would happen again.
But I found that the bitterness I held in my heart for him/them only hurt ME. It only rented them space in my head and made my life unhappy. By forgiving (accepting) them as they are AND staying the heck away from them so that I don’t get fresh injuries, I am at peace about it. I AM BETTER OFF.
My mother isn’t going to change, and running into her suddenly and without warning was unnerving to me, made ME feel bad. I’m not willing to pay that price just to have the “right” to go to Wal Mart on MOnday mornigs. I will GLADLY change my schedule or stores to avoid the pain to ME. that’s all I meant, hun. THEY are not worth the lint in your/our navels! LOL (((Hugs)))))
Iwonder:
Welcome back.
Two thoughts. First, the whole pity play your ex-S laid on you. It’s got everything — even finding God. Got to give him credit for pulling in a man of the cloth.
Also, he’s going to find a PART-TIME job and his own apartment? Gee, that’s big of him. Really ambitious. I’m having a vision — it’s your checkbook…and it’s open…and you’re making out a check to S…
Run. Run now. Do it for all of us.
Second, the Frenchman. You sure you didn’t have another S on your hands? The incessant texting and calling for 2 weeks and then the abrupt about-face? Mine texted and called non-stop in the early phase, that’s why I’m asking the question.
OxDrover & Dodged a Bullet,
““forgiveness” does NOT include that feeling, it is simply ACCEPTING he is what he is, you can’t change that, you can’t fix that, you can’t protect others from him, and you CAN stop being bitter in your heart about him. That TO ME is “forgiveness—”my mother used to try to cram it down my throat that “forgiveness” also included “pretending it didn’t happen.” Or “wasn’t going to happen again” when I knew darn well it would happen again.”
Oh yeah! Cluster Bs always want the dysfunctional kind of forgiveness. They demand you forgive, while at the same time never admitting they were wrong or promising to do better. In their definition of forgiveness, you pretend they never did you in, and treat them as if you trust them. Then they get to do it all over again.
That kind of forgiveness is for healthy people who sincerely repent of their bad behavior, take real steps to compensate their victims and demonstrate a new pattern of behavior.
People who won’t admit they were wrong, won’t promise to do better, and won’t demonstrate a new pattern of behavior aren’t entitled to the same type of forgiveness healthy people are due. They get this kind: “it is simply ACCEPTING he is what he is, you can’t change that, you can’t fix that, you can’t protect others from him, and you CAN stop being bitter in your heart about him. ”
If you can get to that point, you’re whole perspective will change. About a month ago I was flicking through channels and paused on a very moving film about the Inquisition. I’d seen the film before and read the book. I watched a familiar scene unfold. In this scena a merciless inquisitor was preparing to torture a horribly disfigured hunchbacked begger. The terrified victim was desperately struggling for freedom and howling incoherently for mercy. In a horrible flash of insight, I realized the victim reminded me of a narcissist I’d dealt with in the past. The narcissist was an emotional cripple who couldn’t connect socially with others. Each time people tried to interact with him, he inevitably experienced the torments of the damned. Unlike the vile inquisitor, we didn’t intend to torment him. Nonetheless, we did. A sickening wave of pity rolled over me, and I resolved once more to avoid the narcissist at all costs. Nothing but pain could result. He would act out, we would object, he would withdraw in mortified, sullen rage.
Interactions with the N are inevitably lose – lose. The Narcissist sets out to win at the expense of others. They object. In the end all are miserable. So NC is the rule. Hatred however, is counterproductive.
Oh Boy, Oh Boy!
My Amazon order comes in today. 6 new books! I’m happier than a dog with two tails!
I guess my poor family will be eating out of the crock pot this week. Service always goes to pot when I’ve got books!
I accepted what he is and what he did a LONG time ago.
That acceptance does not change the way I feel about him.
Once while passing each other in a bar, he started laughing really loud when he got beside me, as if he was laughing at me.
This man knowingly exposed me to HIV. Yet he STILL does this kind of shit.
By now I’m sure he knows that I have told many many people in this town about what he did. Im sure he hates me for that….probabaly why he does these things….
Dear Dodged,
Just a couple of questions—
1) what do YOU get out of going places where you are pretty sure he will show up?
2) What does HE get out of you showing up?
I can’t answer the first one, only you know the answer to that, but I CAN answer the second question. When he sees you, HE gets a “win” because no matter how you react, even if you ignore him, he KNOWS just the sight of his face irritates you, and he KNOWS you are not really unaware of his presence, and he KNOWS you hate him and why, so he gets a WIN (In HIS MIND)
My P-son is in prison for goodness sakes, yet HE THINKS he is a SUCCESS IN LIFE—DUH??!!?? A success? I certainally don’t see that as a “success” but HE does. Their perceptions of “success” and “win” vs “failure and loss” is different from ours, just like everything abot their thinking is different from ours.
I don’t blame you a BIT for being RABIDLY mad about this man knowingly exposing you to HIV.
I am concerned though,, about the continuing hate you seem to have for this man, not for his sake, but for YOURs.
My P-son KNOWINGLY tried to have me murdered for my money and the family trust, my P-son is conning my mother right this minute for money and help in getting enough money to try again to kill me because he hates me and wants me to die. BELIEVE ME I HATED HIM, and HER too for that matter, but I realized it was EATING ME ALIVE, and that the ONLY way I could calm down and live in peace was to QUIT hating them, just ACCEPT that they are EVIL incarnate and that I cannot change them, fix them or keep them from trying to hurt me—and that the only way I can have peace is to ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE and quit hating them, “forgive” them as it were.
I have no doubt that your P is an EVIL incarnate creature, but I do believe that as long as you in any way associate with him, see him, or go anywhere he is likely to be that YOUR pain will go on, your anger will fester. I don’t give a flying Fu>k about HIM, I DO CARE ABOUT YOU though, more than you can possibly believe. ((((huigs)))))
Thanks Ox. I go to these places because I have lived in this town FAR longer that he. 10 years longer actually. I went to these places before he moved here. There were times when I would go out and rarely ever see him. And I thought to myself- ‘now if I did not come here just for the sake of not seeing him, he would not even be here- and it would all be for nothing- and I would miss out on going somewhere I like.
It just so happens lately I’ve been seeing him more. He comes to my gym alot more. And again – I was going there 10 years before he ever moved here.
I do not associate with him. I made the mistake of making eye contact the other nite. and he took full advantage of it by looking directly at me, and giving me the evil smirk.
I want to hit him. I think that he wants me to even. He wants me to start an altercation. He knows my temper.
I did not react other than the hateful look on my face.
I’m sure that was enough for him to feel a ‘win’.
Oh well- if we’re keeping score- I’ve won many more times than he. He got me. but it’s over, and I will continue to ignore him and not make the mistake of eye contact again. Even if I have to turn my back. Which is what I would have had to do ther other nite.
Dear Dodged,
#1 bit of valuable advice is change your habits for a while. It will really cut down on the drama. You’re not going to do that, ’cause it will dramatically alter your social life. OK.
I still suggest “Never, ever give him the satisfaction of any kind of reaction. Practice looking at him without focusing on his face. If you have to look at him, look in that manner. It will prevent you from reacting to whatever facial expression he wears. He won’t like it. ”
If his showing up in the parking lot as you’re coming and going from various establishments is a serious physical threat, you need to take steps. If you’re both male and you’re reasonably capable of defending yourself, I still suggest you take steps.
Remember, he’s capable of premeditated assault. (The HIV thing.) He may be tougher and meaner than you think, and he may have friends. I’d hate for you to underestimate the danger.
This sounds like a stalking situation to me.
http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/stalkingsolutions.htm
It is interesting that you’re not already taking pro-active steps to protect yourself. This suggests to me that you’re not the typical heterosexual female. Whether you’ve simply got a higher sense of physical invulnerability than most women or you’re male, I still think you should rethink your position.
Tough girls get beaten up in bars at a far greater rate than the wimpy ones, and gay men are battered at a higher rate than you may have assumed. You are probably in more physical danger than you think you are.
Please be careful.
…and yes. I am aware that I have a tactlessness problem. Sorry ’bout that.
Dear Dodged,
I am hearing you say that you feel that the places you go are your “territory” and you don’t want to give in and let him make you “lose your territory”–I can see that. Believe me I can. My “territory” was my FARM, my HOME and it was violated, but in order to be safe I had to LEAVE. I have now been able to come back, but I had to quit defending my territory because the COST TO ME WAS TOO GREAT. I had to have peace and calm before I could even think about coming back.
I realize now, that “giving ground” to them in order to be peaceful and calm is a SMALL thing compared to being ANGRY all the time.
I am also HEARING a lot of residual ANGER in your posts, and I can’t say you dont have a RIGHT to be ANGRY. You do have a RIGHT, but anger helps give us strength to get out of a dangerous situation, but LONG TERM to stay angry about it, to continue to feel that anger is COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.
I am a STUBBORN old woman, believe me I AM STUBBORN. I do not like to let a piece of crap psychopath push me around, but at the same time, I have learned that sometimes there is STRENGTH IN RETREAT. I didn’t like staying angry all the time, I didn’t like feeling stressed, or dreading to see them, so I avoid them. Twice now I have suddenly come upon my mother, and suddenly come upon my X-BF and both times it blew me away, sort of like you seem to have been blown away the other day….so I will make EVERY effort to not have to encounter them again and get a FRESH injury by way of an adrenaline rush.
Elizabeth, you are not tactless, you are direct! That directness is one of your more charming qualities IMHO!!! ((((hugs)))))