Editor’s note: At the request of readers, the Lovefraud member “Skylar” has contributed the following article.
When dealing with malignant narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, borderlines, drama queens, stalkers and other emotional vampires, it’s commonly advised that no response is the best response to unwanted attention. This is often true and No Contact (the avoidance of all communication) should be used whenever possible.
There are some situations however, when No Contact is not feasible, as in when you share child custody with a psychopath. As another example, if you are being stalked by an ex, a restraining order can infuriate the unwanted suitor, and refusing to respond to him or her is seen as an insult. They might become convinced that they can MAKE you respond and in that way satiate their need for power over you.
Furthermore, many of us have tried to end a relationship with a psychopath several times, only to take them back, each time. They turned on the pity ploy and the charm, and because we didn’t understand that this is what a psychopath does, we fell for their promises to change. They know all of our emotional hooks. For them, it’s easy and fun to lure us back by appealing to our emotions. But a psychopath can’t change. In fact, when you leave a psychopath, he becomes determined to punish you even more severely for thinking you could be autonomous.
Even if we don’t take them back, the most dangerous time for a person is when they first break up with a psychopath. The psychopath feels rage at being discarded. Losing control or power over a person is not just a narcissistic injury for them; they feel profoundly empty when their partner leaves them even if they had intended to kill their partner. The reason is because they have lost control. Psychopaths need to feel in control at all times.
For all these situations, we have Gray Rock.
What it is:
So, how do we escape this parasitical leech without triggering his vindictive rage? Gray Rock is primarily a way of encouraging a psychopath, a stalker or other emotionally unbalanced person, to lose interest in you. It differs from No Contact in that you don’t overtly try to avoid contact with these emotional vampires. Instead, you allow contact but only give boring, monotonous responses so that the parasite must go elsewhere for his supply of drama. When contact with you is consistently unsatisfying for the psychopath, his mind is re-trained to expect boredom rather than drama. Psychopaths are addicted to drama and they can’t stand to be bored. With time, he will find a new person to provide drama and he will find himself drawn to you less and less often. Eventually, they just slither away to greener pastures. Gray Rock is a way of training the psychopath to view you as an unsatisfying pursuit you bore him and he can’t stand boredom.
What it’s for:
Making a psychopath go away of his own volition is one application of Gray Rock. One might say that Gray Rock is a way of breaking up with a psychopath by using the old, “It’s not you, it’s me.” excuse, except that you act it out instead of saying it and the psychopath comes to that conclusion on his own.
Another reason to use Gray Rock is to avoid becoming a target in the first place. If you find yourself in the company of one or more narcissistic personalities perhaps you work with them or they are members of your family it’s important to avoid triggering their ENVY. By using Gray Rock, you fade into the background. It’s possible they won’t even remember having met you. If you have already inadvertently attracted their attention and they have already begun to focus in on you, you can still use Gray Rock. Tell them you are boring. Describe a boring life. Talk about the most mundane household chores you accomplished that day in detail. Some people are naturally lacking in dramatic flair. Find those people and try to hang around them when the psychopath is nearby.
If you must continue a relationship with a psychopath, Gray Rock can serve you as well. Parents sharing joint custody with a psychopathic ex-spouse can use Gray Rock when the ex-spouse tries to trigger their emotions. I acknowledge that any threat to the well-being of our children is overwhelmingly anxiety provoking. Here is where Gray Rock can be applied selectively to draw attention away from what really matters to you. In general, show no emotion to the offending behaviors or words. The psychopath will try different tactics to see which ones get a reaction. With Selective Gray Rock, you choose to respond to the tactic which matters least to you. This will focus the psychopath’s attention on that issue. Remember, the psychopath has no values, so he doesn’t understand what is valuable to us unless we show him. Selective Gray Rock shows him a decoy. When protecting our children, we can take a lesson from nature: Bird parents who have fledglings are known to feign a broken wing when a predator is in the vicinity. They fake a vulnerability to detract the cat’s attention from their real vulnerability, their babies. In this example, Selective Gray Rock fades all emotions into the background except the ones you want the predator to see.
Why it works:
A psychopath is easily bored. He or she needs constant stimulation to ward off boredom. It isn’t the type of boredom that normal people experience; it’s more like the French word, ennui, which refers to an oppressive boredom or listlessness. Drama is a psychopath’s remedy for boredom. For drama, they need an audience and some players. Once the drama begins, they feel complete and alive again. They are empowered when pulling the strings that elicit our emotions. Any kind of emotions will do, as long as it is a response to their actions.
A psychopath is an addict. He is addicted to power. His power is acquired by gaining access to our emotions. He is keenly aware of this and needs to constantly test to make sure we are still under his control. He needs to know that we are still eager to do his bidding, make him happy and avoid his wrath. He needs to create drama so he can experience the power of manipulating our emotions. As with any addiction, it is exhilarating to the psychopath when he gets his supply of emotional responses. The more times he experiences a reward for his dramatic behavior, the more addicted he becomes. Conversely, when the reward stops coming, he becomes agitated. He experiences oppressive boredom and he will counter it by creating more drama. If we stay the course and show no emotions, the psychopath will eventually decide that his toy is broken. It doesn’t squirt emotions when he squeezes it anymore! Most likely, he will slither away to find a new toy.
The Gray Rock technique does come with a caveat: psychopaths are dangerous people, if you are in a relationship with one that has already decided to kill you, it will be difficult to change his mind. He may already be poisoning you or sabotaging your vehicle. Take all necessary precautions. In this case, Gray Rock can only hope to buy time until you can make your escape.
How it works:
Psychopaths are attracted to shiny, pretty things that move fast and to bright lights. These things, signal excitement and relieve the psychopath’s ever-present ennui. Your emotional responses are his food of choice, but they aren’t the only things he wants.
He envies everything pretty, shiny and sparkly that you have and he wants whatever you value. You must hide anything that he will notice and envy. If you happen to be very good looking, you need to change that during this time. Use makeup to add bags under your eyes. If you aren’t married to the psychopath, any money or assets he covets should disappear “in a bad investment decision” (consult with your attorney on this). Your shiny sports car has to go, get a beater. If you have a sparkling reputation, anticipate that he will or has already begun to slander you; therefore, don’t allow yourself to be put into any compromising position or pushed into erratic behavior. The reason he wants to take these things from you, is not necessarily because he wants them for himself, it’s because he wants to see the emotions on your face when you lose them. He wants the power trip associated with being the one who took them from you. By preemptively removing these things from his vision and not reacting with emotion at the losses, you continue to train him with the idea that you are the most boring person on earth, someone he would never want to be.
Origin of Gray Rock:
In 2009, I left my psychopathic partner after 25 years, but I didn’t understand what was wrong with him. I sat in a sushi bar, lost in confusion, when a tall, athletic man introduced himself. To my own surprise, I instinctively poured out my story to him. This complete stranger listened to my story and then he explained to me that I was dealing with a malignant narcissist. He advised me, “Be boring.” He told me that his girlfriend would come home each night, begin drinking and become abusive. They were both professionals who traveled in the same professional circles. He knew that she would stalk him if he broke up with her and he didn’t want to risk the slander and drama which could leak out and damage his professional reputation.
His solution was to be so boring that she would simply leave him. He declined to go out on evenings and weekends. He showed no emotional reaction about anything, no interest in anything and responded with no drama. When she asked if he wanted to go out for dinner, his reply was, “I don’t know.” After a few months of no drama, she simply moved out.
Why is it called Gray Rock?
I chose the words Gray Rock because I needed an object for us to channel when we are in an emotionally charged situation. You don’t just practice Gray Rock, you BECOME a Gray Rock. There are gray rocks and pebbles everywhere you go, but you never notice them. None of them attract your attention. You don’t remember any specific rock you saw today because they blend with the scenery. That is the type of boring that you want to channel when you are dealing with a psychopath. Your boring persona will camouflage you and the psychopath won’t even notice you were there. The stranger in the sushi bar showed great insight when he advised me to “be boring.” He struck at the heart of the psychopath’s motivation: to avoid boredom.
In nature, there are many plants and creatures that show us how to survive in a world of predators. Among others, birds feign injury to protect their babies and mice play dead until the cat loses interest. Both of these tactics can be useful and they can be channeled when applicable. Yet, it’s difficult to calculate each and every move that a psychopath will make and to determine the best course of action each time. Instead of trying to out-think him, channel the gray rock. This simple, humble object in nature has all the wisdom it needs to avoid being noticed, it’s boring.
Copyright © 2012 Skylar
Sky! Wow!
You used “ennui” to describe their type of boredom.
That word just floored me, because one of the spaths in the duo that flung me around used to always talk about his “ennui.” I mean, he was OBSESSED with that word. He used it when it was suitable for the moment and when it wasn’t. He used it all the damn time.
You just gave me chills.
Okay. Wow.
I’m going to go get my lentil soup now. Great article, Sky.
Justus, I apologize that I don’t know your story, but how is it that he comes around for days at a time? Does he come into your house?
Myheart, I had nightmares for years after the first expath – I think that, in my situation, those nightmares were based upon my perceptions as a “failure” for having remained in such a violent relationship and not taking steps to end it.
Perhaps, journaling will help you to exorcise the horrific experiences that you had. And, I mean writing with a pen/pencil on paper, not via technological devices. The very act of putting pen to paper and recording events, feelings, etc., is an intense personal therapy. And, I was NEVER one of those “Dear Diary” people, and I could never understand how people could jot down the mundane events of their lives until my recent experiences. Journaling provides an outlet, and it was priceless for me.
Brightest blessings.
Justus,
yes Gray Rock does agitate them at first. They get angrier because you aren’t responding “correctly” to their drama. It takes time to work because it is a method of re-training their brains. It also works better if the entire family is using it, so he’ll lose interest in coming around.
Gavin de Becker, in his book “The Gift of Fear,” says to keep your current telephone number and put an answering machine on it. When the stalker calls, the phone will pick up, but you do not respond. Instead, if you can afford it, get a second number that you give out very selectively to your chosen few. There is no drama this way. The stalker is reassured that he or she is still reaching you, but no responses becomes boring.
Regarding the tsunami of child abuse, I lived through that as well. I had a few teachers, an art teacher in particular, who saw me in a different light than what I was being told I was at home. There is a great book, Strong at the Broken Places, by Linda Sanford, about children who were not destroyed by growing up in abusive homes and did not live up to the expectation that they will never amount to anything. Instead of suffering through a lifetime of failures (as many mental health professionals are taught,) these people take that upbringing to become strong, productive, and overcome that legacy. Their gifts are honed rather than destroyed. Granted they traveled a hard road to get there, but they weren’t doomed to be nothings.
The envy thing makes sense to me entirely. I am far prettier that my P sister, who has a hard, masculine look to her. I am also a good 6″ taller, making me a tall female, which means I naturally stand out in a crowd. My P sister is shorter than the average female.
I am also far more talented when it comes to music, cooking, and writing. In fact, I’ve been watching The Voice recently and it’s brought up many sad memories. I honestly believe that I was talented enough with my singing that I could have gone professional with it, but when I asked my S mother for singing, dancing, and better piano lessons (my P sister was being given dance lessons,) I can still vividly see the smirk on my mother’s face when she told me that wouldn’t be fair to the P, wouldn’t she be entitled to those lessons, too, and my mother (sigh) couldn’t afford it all. I remember responding, “But I have more talent,” and my mother coming back with, “Yes, but I need to be fair.”
G1S,
when I met the man who told me to be boring, I also asked him, “what did he (my spath) want? why did he choose me?”
The man, G, replied, “something you had.” I kept pressing, “what? I was only a 17 year old girl, what could I have that he would want.”
But G only said, “he wanted something you had.”
Years later, I figured it out. Spaths envy EVERYTHING YOU HAVE. It starts when they notice that you got attention which they aren’t getting. Then they don’t like the look on your face because you are happy with your life. Then they determine that you shouldn’t have anything but suffering in your life, and they are the ones who will see to it that that is exactly what you get.
They study us to see what is making us happy. But the spaths can’t understand anything with deep meaning. All they can see is the external things, so they target that. Beginning with my health and my wealth, he systematically destroyed everything in my life. In the end he said, “I’m tired of your God-like ways!” It’s the one thing he couldn’t destroy, my relationship with God and he hated me for it.
Justus,
What is wrong with LEAVING HIM…GETTING AWAY? I may have forgotten something that you told us, but staying with a man or woman “for the sake of the children” is the opposite thing for their good…”be not unequally yoked” I think is the way the Bible puts it.
My own grandfather stayed with my P grandmother “for the sake of the children” and many years later I heard the sadness in his voice when he said how he regretted it.
I have a gray rock related question and I’d appreciate opinions from this community.
My relationship with a spath was thankfully rather short-lived and I ended it as soon as I realized he was cheating. I figured out the sociopathy part later on. Most of the contact I have had with him since we broke up has been around money he owes me. He had moved out of state when I discovered he was cheating so all contact since our horrible break up has been on email and a few phone calls that he initiated (before I understood what I was dealing with).
He owes me $3000 which he has acknowledged in emails to me. He offered also on email to repay me monthly and only sent 2 checks for the last 4 months. Those checks only came after first a lawyer/friend and then me pushing on him. The last check came around Christmas and his nasty email and then note with the check were what woke me up to his sociopathy. He seems to believe because he never signed a document that he owes me money that he is scot-free and can pay me back when and if he feels like it. Clearly, he doesn’t feel like it.
I know I could get a small-claims judgment against him but I am wrestling with whether it is worth it. I am feeling better every day and just the thought of making calls to confirm that his address is still valid makes me feel quite anxious.
He apparently got married a few weeks ago to one of the women he was cheating on me with. I unfortunately discovered this on Facebook. I have blocked his postings but I haven’t defriended him because I don’t want him to get any pleasure in thinking he hurt me by announcing his marriage on Facebook. (I may not have been the primary target of that pain anyway since his children were the only ones who commented on his status change and it seemed like they had no foreknowledge.)
On the one hand, if I never have any contact with him again, I will be happy. On the other hand, the thought that he will get away with this when I think he never intended to pay me back really pisses me off.
Other relevant information: He has an open DUI case still in my state and is currently on probation. He also has child-support obligations in this state and in the course of our post break-up correspondence he stated that his wages are being garnished for back and current child support.
I welcome any thoughts and comments from this wonderful community. I am lucky to have very supportive friends and family but even the most supportive don’t really understand what I am going through healing from this experience. It’s so wonderful to have this place to come and be understood.
Sparklehorse ~ Hi
With my experience with Small Claim’s Court, you can win a judgement, but then you must try and collect. Good Luck. If he is having child support payments garnished from his wages already, he could possibly just quit his job.
I am sure others can add to this, but I think it comes down to – how much is your peace and happieness worth? Being able to walk away and not look back is worth quite a bit.
Good wishes in the healing process.
Sparklehorse, I agree with MiLo’s view: you most certainly can win a judgement based upon the preponderance of the evidence – emails acknowleging the debt AS a loan, and an “attempt” to repay in the form of 2 checks. There’s no argument that he can present to absolve himself of this debt. I also agree that you’ll have a difficult time collecting and that he will likely either quit his job or get himself fired to avoid paying out any additional funds. BUT….having a legal, documented judgment against him is a moral Win and will show up on any background check once the Court has rendered its decision.
I’m in a similar situation, but compounded by tens of thousands of dollars which I know that I’ll never see, again. Am I going to pursue it? You BET I am, if only for the satisfaction of having that legal and VERY public decision on record.
Brightest blessings.