Editor’s note: At the request of readers, the Lovefraud member “Skylar” has contributed the following article.
When dealing with malignant narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, borderlines, drama queens, stalkers and other emotional vampires, it’s commonly advised that no response is the best response to unwanted attention. This is often true and No Contact (the avoidance of all communication) should be used whenever possible.
There are some situations however, when No Contact is not feasible, as in when you share child custody with a psychopath. As another example, if you are being stalked by an ex, a restraining order can infuriate the unwanted suitor, and refusing to respond to him or her is seen as an insult. They might become convinced that they can MAKE you respond and in that way satiate their need for power over you.
Furthermore, many of us have tried to end a relationship with a psychopath several times, only to take them back, each time. They turned on the pity ploy and the charm, and because we didn’t understand that this is what a psychopath does, we fell for their promises to change. They know all of our emotional hooks. For them, it’s easy and fun to lure us back by appealing to our emotions. But a psychopath can’t change. In fact, when you leave a psychopath, he becomes determined to punish you even more severely for thinking you could be autonomous.
Even if we don’t take them back, the most dangerous time for a person is when they first break up with a psychopath. The psychopath feels rage at being discarded. Losing control or power over a person is not just a narcissistic injury for them; they feel profoundly empty when their partner leaves them even if they had intended to kill their partner. The reason is because they have lost control. Psychopaths need to feel in control at all times.
For all these situations, we have Gray Rock.
What it is:
So, how do we escape this parasitical leech without triggering his vindictive rage? Gray Rock is primarily a way of encouraging a psychopath, a stalker or other emotionally unbalanced person, to lose interest in you. It differs from No Contact in that you don’t overtly try to avoid contact with these emotional vampires. Instead, you allow contact but only give boring, monotonous responses so that the parasite must go elsewhere for his supply of drama. When contact with you is consistently unsatisfying for the psychopath, his mind is re-trained to expect boredom rather than drama. Psychopaths are addicted to drama and they can’t stand to be bored. With time, he will find a new person to provide drama and he will find himself drawn to you less and less often. Eventually, they just slither away to greener pastures. Gray Rock is a way of training the psychopath to view you as an unsatisfying pursuit you bore him and he can’t stand boredom.
What it’s for:
Making a psychopath go away of his own volition is one application of Gray Rock. One might say that Gray Rock is a way of breaking up with a psychopath by using the old, “It’s not you, it’s me.” excuse, except that you act it out instead of saying it and the psychopath comes to that conclusion on his own.
Another reason to use Gray Rock is to avoid becoming a target in the first place. If you find yourself in the company of one or more narcissistic personalities perhaps you work with them or they are members of your family it’s important to avoid triggering their ENVY. By using Gray Rock, you fade into the background. It’s possible they won’t even remember having met you. If you have already inadvertently attracted their attention and they have already begun to focus in on you, you can still use Gray Rock. Tell them you are boring. Describe a boring life. Talk about the most mundane household chores you accomplished that day in detail. Some people are naturally lacking in dramatic flair. Find those people and try to hang around them when the psychopath is nearby.
If you must continue a relationship with a psychopath, Gray Rock can serve you as well. Parents sharing joint custody with a psychopathic ex-spouse can use Gray Rock when the ex-spouse tries to trigger their emotions. I acknowledge that any threat to the well-being of our children is overwhelmingly anxiety provoking. Here is where Gray Rock can be applied selectively to draw attention away from what really matters to you. In general, show no emotion to the offending behaviors or words. The psychopath will try different tactics to see which ones get a reaction. With Selective Gray Rock, you choose to respond to the tactic which matters least to you. This will focus the psychopath’s attention on that issue. Remember, the psychopath has no values, so he doesn’t understand what is valuable to us unless we show him. Selective Gray Rock shows him a decoy. When protecting our children, we can take a lesson from nature: Bird parents who have fledglings are known to feign a broken wing when a predator is in the vicinity. They fake a vulnerability to detract the cat’s attention from their real vulnerability, their babies. In this example, Selective Gray Rock fades all emotions into the background except the ones you want the predator to see.
Why it works:
A psychopath is easily bored. He or she needs constant stimulation to ward off boredom. It isn’t the type of boredom that normal people experience; it’s more like the French word, ennui, which refers to an oppressive boredom or listlessness. Drama is a psychopath’s remedy for boredom. For drama, they need an audience and some players. Once the drama begins, they feel complete and alive again. They are empowered when pulling the strings that elicit our emotions. Any kind of emotions will do, as long as it is a response to their actions.
A psychopath is an addict. He is addicted to power. His power is acquired by gaining access to our emotions. He is keenly aware of this and needs to constantly test to make sure we are still under his control. He needs to know that we are still eager to do his bidding, make him happy and avoid his wrath. He needs to create drama so he can experience the power of manipulating our emotions. As with any addiction, it is exhilarating to the psychopath when he gets his supply of emotional responses. The more times he experiences a reward for his dramatic behavior, the more addicted he becomes. Conversely, when the reward stops coming, he becomes agitated. He experiences oppressive boredom and he will counter it by creating more drama. If we stay the course and show no emotions, the psychopath will eventually decide that his toy is broken. It doesn’t squirt emotions when he squeezes it anymore! Most likely, he will slither away to find a new toy.
The Gray Rock technique does come with a caveat: psychopaths are dangerous people, if you are in a relationship with one that has already decided to kill you, it will be difficult to change his mind. He may already be poisoning you or sabotaging your vehicle. Take all necessary precautions. In this case, Gray Rock can only hope to buy time until you can make your escape.
How it works:
Psychopaths are attracted to shiny, pretty things that move fast and to bright lights. These things, signal excitement and relieve the psychopath’s ever-present ennui. Your emotional responses are his food of choice, but they aren’t the only things he wants.
He envies everything pretty, shiny and sparkly that you have and he wants whatever you value. You must hide anything that he will notice and envy. If you happen to be very good looking, you need to change that during this time. Use makeup to add bags under your eyes. If you aren’t married to the psychopath, any money or assets he covets should disappear “in a bad investment decision” (consult with your attorney on this). Your shiny sports car has to go, get a beater. If you have a sparkling reputation, anticipate that he will or has already begun to slander you; therefore, don’t allow yourself to be put into any compromising position or pushed into erratic behavior. The reason he wants to take these things from you, is not necessarily because he wants them for himself, it’s because he wants to see the emotions on your face when you lose them. He wants the power trip associated with being the one who took them from you. By preemptively removing these things from his vision and not reacting with emotion at the losses, you continue to train him with the idea that you are the most boring person on earth, someone he would never want to be.
Origin of Gray Rock:
In 2009, I left my psychopathic partner after 25 years, but I didn’t understand what was wrong with him. I sat in a sushi bar, lost in confusion, when a tall, athletic man introduced himself. To my own surprise, I instinctively poured out my story to him. This complete stranger listened to my story and then he explained to me that I was dealing with a malignant narcissist. He advised me, “Be boring.” He told me that his girlfriend would come home each night, begin drinking and become abusive. They were both professionals who traveled in the same professional circles. He knew that she would stalk him if he broke up with her and he didn’t want to risk the slander and drama which could leak out and damage his professional reputation.
His solution was to be so boring that she would simply leave him. He declined to go out on evenings and weekends. He showed no emotional reaction about anything, no interest in anything and responded with no drama. When she asked if he wanted to go out for dinner, his reply was, “I don’t know.” After a few months of no drama, she simply moved out.
Why is it called Gray Rock?
I chose the words Gray Rock because I needed an object for us to channel when we are in an emotionally charged situation. You don’t just practice Gray Rock, you BECOME a Gray Rock. There are gray rocks and pebbles everywhere you go, but you never notice them. None of them attract your attention. You don’t remember any specific rock you saw today because they blend with the scenery. That is the type of boring that you want to channel when you are dealing with a psychopath. Your boring persona will camouflage you and the psychopath won’t even notice you were there. The stranger in the sushi bar showed great insight when he advised me to “be boring.” He struck at the heart of the psychopath’s motivation: to avoid boredom.
In nature, there are many plants and creatures that show us how to survive in a world of predators. Among others, birds feign injury to protect their babies and mice play dead until the cat loses interest. Both of these tactics can be useful and they can be channeled when applicable. Yet, it’s difficult to calculate each and every move that a psychopath will make and to determine the best course of action each time. Instead of trying to out-think him, channel the gray rock. This simple, humble object in nature has all the wisdom it needs to avoid being noticed, it’s boring.
Copyright © 2012 Skylar
I know Star,
kitties ARE “silly” in so many ways. That’s why they’re irresistible. *sigh* so much to love in such a little package!
Sky, I honestly regard them as angels. I’ve heard that cats are first degree Reiki masters, and I believe it. Reiki is a form of energy work, like therapeutic touch. My Siamese, when he was alive, use to climb up on my clients when they were getting a massage. He would walk across their bodies and perch in a particular spot. Frequently, the client would tell me that they had been having pain or some issue in that spot and they felt like he was healing it. And whenever I had an upset stomach, the Siamese would rest his little paws on my tummy until it was gone. Because of his healing abilities, I put his picture on my business cards and called him my “intuitive assistant.” I’m sure I had some clients who came back to see him and not me!
I don’t make this stuff up. They are healers.
ToBeHappy,
I haven’t been reading or posting on LF for a very long time. It is interesting to me that I should look on the site and read Sky’s Grey Rock article and in doing so come upon some of your post.
I have walked in those shoes your wearing right now.
Not so very long ago….When I first came here I was, simply put at my wits end. I was also breaking from the pressure of what was going on inside the four walls of my home.
What seemed like almost over night my son went from being a seemingly healthy well adjusted kid into someone that I barely recognised in early puberty. His personality changed, his behavior changed, and in a very short period of time things progressed from bad to worse.
In my earliest postings here I remember describing these changes as living with Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde. Not so much because I thought my son was a split personality. But more so because I would occasionally get “glimpses” of the son I knew. But more often than not I didn’t know who my son was anymore. It wasn’t the best analogy but I was at a loss for a better one.
The only thing that I did know for sure was that this wasn’t just normal puberty issues. Nor was it simply defiance. It was more than that. Because things progressed so quickly it was difficult for me to process any “one thing” before the next issue presented itself.
I knew that I needed help. I knew that he needed help. Getting help was alot easier said than done. Living in a small town there wasn’t alot of help available. I encountered alot of closed doors. I remember feeling very alone and vulnerable & angry. I encountered many judgmental people.
Things were spiraling out of control at home and in admitting this I was also subjected to hearing the same things over and over again. Is he on drugs? (no, not yet anyways) But could I see this in his future? On the course he was on…You bet I did. I saw lots of bad things in his future if something didn’t change. If his problems at the time had revolved around drugs there would have been alot of resources available to him. Unfortunately most every resource I tried had either lost it’s funding or he didn’t fit into the criteria.
My son did experience a very tramatic event when he was very young. And although I certainly didn’t have any of the answers of what was going on with him I felt pretty certain that this had at least something to do with what was going on with him now. I felt this strongly because this trama had most certainly changed the course of my life.
What also helped me through this difficult time was that I was fortunate that I had an older son and I had been through puberty & adolescence once already. And although there were some hair raising moments the first time around raising a teenager…. To compare the two would have been like comparing apples with oranges.
Initially when I had taken my son to counseling when he was 15 my son had manipulated the counselor into believing alot of stuff that simply wasn’t true. This same counselor had continually ignored my request that I wanted my son to be seen by a psychatrist for an evaluation. The counselor kept telling me that this was nothing more than a “power struggle” between a teenager and parent. I asked him if he had ever raised a teenager before. And of course the answer was no. I found it very interesting that this counselor was so easily manipulated by a 15 yr old. Especially since I had disclosed his manipulation tactics to this counselor when I had a one on one appointment with him before he saw my son.
When I read some of your story I saw several simularities. My son also left home at 17. He went to stay with a friend of his family. This family took him in without ever speaking to me about what kind of problems were going on at home. Whatever my son told his friends parents (God only knows what that was) they never asked me anything.
My son never threatened me about contacting CPS….However he did one worse. About a year before he left home he was going to runaway from home. This all came about over something really trivial. He didn’t get his way when he had a friend over and things escalated very quickly. I initially wanted to call his friends mother to tell her to pick up her son. My son took both the land line and my cell away from me. When I went to retrieve my phone from him he got physical and shoved me hard across the room. I had always told myself that if things ever escalated into anything physical I would call the police. He still thought that I was calling his friends mom & I made the mistake of telling him I was calling the police. He still had both phones. So you can guess what he did. He called them on me. I could have easily been arrested that day.
When the police came I was very lucky that it was a seasoned police officer that was NOT easily manipulated by my sons “story”. He saw through the lies. He didn’t call CPS even though my son told him that I was a terrible mother. My son went over the top in his “terrible mother” story. And the police saw through this.
The reason I mention this is because I can see by your post that your daughters remarks to you about your parenting have hurt you deeply. My son used to say I was a terrible mother to me often.
One of the things I learned when raising a teenager, particularly a troubled teenager is that you can’t take these things personally. When they attack you with words such as these it is a form of manipulation. My job wasn’t to be his friend it was to be his parent.
Most teenagers are going to test the boundaries. Difficult teenagers will test them more often.
You always have to keep in mind that if your daughter can take the focus off of whatever “issue” is at hand just by hurting your feelings with words….She will continue to do this.
Was I hurt by my sons remarks. Of course I was. But I never let him know this.
I agree with KatyDid. In her post to you about not concluding that your daughter is a spath. I think her perspective is right on. Once your life is touched by a spath it is easy to become overly cynical. But this is your daughter and you don’t want to come to this conclusion so quickly.
This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t protect yourself by any means. I also believe that it IS very important for you to know & be able to almost recite word for word the laws in your state concerning your liability for your 17 yr old daughter that no longer resides in your home. I can tell you that after the police & runaway incident I researched the laws in my state until I knew them well.
My son was Dx with Bipolar when he was about 16. And trust me bipolar looks alot different in a teenager than it does in an adult. Do I still worry that there is more going on with him than just being bipolar? Yes, if I am honest I have to say that I do. In many ways he fits into the bipolar criteria perfectly. However there are also some elements that he presents that worry me that there could definately be more that just one Dx. I have to believe that at some point I will know with more certainty. As his life plays out. So I no longer speculate.
One of the things that your post reminded me of is the constant “drama” that an out of control teenager can create in the household. I heard you mention that her sisters are upset with your daughter as well. In my humble opinion if at all possible it might be something that you would want to try and bridge that gap between your daughter and her sisters in a positive way. Just remember that your two younger girls will be teenagers too one day. And because they have witnessed some of what went on with their older sister is might be best for them to not get caught up with the drama that now is affecting you and your daughters relationship. You don’t want this to bite you in the butt later.
The grey rock method has somewhat of a different side to it when it comes to drama with a teenager. I always tried to stay as calm & unaffected as possible when it came to the drama my son would create in the household. YES I would fall apart behind closed doors and yes he could sometimes manage to push my buttons where I would show a reaction. But I did learn through trial and error that this was never a good thing for me to “show” that he got to me.
My son is now 19. He has been living with his grandparents since shortly after he left home at 17. He didn’t last long at his friends house. They had rules in place for teenagers at his friends house too. Imagine that! He lives in an environment now at his grandparents where there were no boundaries or rules in place when he arrived at 17. Naturally this is exactly what he was looking for when he left home to begin with.
Much has happened since he left home.
I have been put in a position in the situation with my son to learn many lessons. Most of them hard lessons. Learned alot about tough love. And about having to let go & accept so many thing that I didn’t think would be possible to accept.
The biggest lesson of all was surrendering when there wasn’t anything more that I could do to help him because he didn’t want help.
I share part of my story with you because I think it important when dealing with these issues with your children to not feel so alone in the difficult journey.
Your story might have a much better outcome than mine did. Simply because your daughter is still focusing on school and school related activities. That is a positive thing. She might already be learning her lesson that leaving home wasn’t such a good idea. That would be a really positive thing. You will have to wait and see how this all turns out.
Wow, Witsend…
Thank you for taking the time to write to me. It IS so important to me to know that I am not alone in this and to have people like you empathize with me and try to offer help and support.
This is probably the most difficult time in my life and I am not that young and I don’t want it to effect my health. My other girls need me around. I am not sleeping well, feel drained most of the time, so I am trying to eat well and take some vitamin supplements…because I am getting chest and stomach pains a lot. I am trying to control my anxiety level the best I can.
It has to be the most disheartening thing in the world, to raise a child and have this happen. Only someone who has been through this can totally understand. Thank you for writing to me to support me.
I have to say that I feel a little guilty that I didn’t handle things well from the day my daughter started seeing the b/f. She became so quiet and didn’t share her feelings since she was about 13. I didn’t know how involved she was getting with him because she stopped sharing her feelings. She got very serious with him. He would come over after work around 10 and they would cook and talk and hang out and he would end up staying over. They would fall asleep on the floor or couches…which ended up in her bed. I should have stopped this from the start.
I didn’t set up boundaries because she would beg me to let him come over after work, even though it was late. I wanted her to be happy, so I enabled this. Then I put an end to it, because he was coming over every night. Thats when the trouble started. She started rebelling and would go to HIS house to stay overnight, even though I told her she couldn’t.
This is what started OUR relationship to break down. Then she started to become hostile toward her sisters because they would tell her to respect her mother and stop disregarding her rules…and to keep her b/f out of here…and take care of her dogs….etc.
So D started to feel everyone ‘hated’ her and started hiding in her room, and going to his house a lot….and the dissension between her and the family grew worse. When she started having trouble with the b/f, I figured that this was a phase and she would be ‘back to normal’, as she acted when they broke up periodically, and things would be ok.
I am thinking now that I should have taken her to a counselor then, but I just let things play out with him, hoping she would break things off with him and get back to normal, which is how she acted when he was gone for a month in Europe.
I didn’t like how distant she was from me. We would ride to auditions in NY for hours and she would ignore me and listen to her iPod or text on her phone. I blew it off as a “typical teenage” thing.
I didn’t seek counseling because she constantly said, “I won’t tell a “stranger” anything.” She didn’t when I had one weekly. It did nothing. She closed up and wouldn’t talk. Very difficult.
So, thinking back, she really became distant , and I think “confused” when she got involved with this boy. He is a ‘nonconformist’ who is known as “weird” to most of the people at school…a musician and pessimist about life. He is very intelligent on one level, but socially maladjusted on another…hangs out with only ‘girls’…doesn’t believe in ‘love’….etc. Get the picture?
So, HE has influenced her in a very negative way. She became “vegan” with him…and was a waif BEFORE she started this lifestyle of eating!
I am SO worried about her. One part of me feels so sorry for her…because I don’t think she knows what she is doing and I think she is confused.
The other part of me thinks she is a devious spoiled brat who DOES know what she is doing and won’t stop until she gets her way.
So, its a hard call. I am trying to be ‘tough’ now and not beg her to come back, but yet….I don’t want her to do something drastic or have her break down or even attempt suicide. ( my sister’s son killed himself at age 24! )
Thank you witsend…which is where I am now.
ANY support is greatly appreciated.
HUGS
Katy,
I understand how come you came to see my expressed opinion “I agree” as jumping on your one word “all”. I also understand you took my restating my opinion that problematic teen behaviour is not the norm to me as hammering it into you. However, that opinion was stated in response to restating that problematic teen behaviour is the norm to you, not to the word “all”. While I understand where your feelings come from to feel attacked, it remains a fact to me that I did not attack you, nor do I feel it is warranted to keep on accusing me of treating you as an enemy or attacking you, when all I did was do exactly what you asked: share an opinion and experience, albeit one that disagrees with yours.
Meanwhile, as a result I have started to feel as if you’re picking on me (because it’s not the first time that I have been particularly picked out for barbed words by you). Maybe something in me, or the way I phrase things triggers you. I don’t know. And it’s starting to make me feel I should treat your posts differently from other LF members: perhaps it is better that I refrain from responding to your posts at all, or only if I completely agree. Because I don’t like it that you end up being hurt, and I don’t like ending up hurt either in the process. I post here to learn, to further my healing and if I can to further the healing of others.
Skylar,
Thank you for your support. I don’t know if I am coming across TOO rough with her and not telling her I still love her and care for her….
I don’t know how to handle this. I am just full of fear for her. I, of course, am hurt and angry too by her accusations and threats. So I am keeping things “business” with her and not showing emotion in my emails responding to her. But, on the other hand, knowing she WANTS me to beg her back, I don’t want her to feel that I don’t “care” about her. It seems she is crying out for me to show her I “love” her. But, after how she is acting toward me,…ignoring me at her concert, texting me terrible things about me being “unfit” etc….I just can’t tell her I love her and want her back! Because…I am afraid for her to come back! I don’t trust her and her sisters are hurt and angry at her too and don’t want her back!
So, its a VERY tough call here. I am full of anxiety about the whole situation and I am angry sometimes, and at other times I am afraid for her. MY emotions are so confused right now.
What a mess.
2b,
Yes, I totally understand this is very confusing. The genetic background is such that she may have been genetically burdened, and yet she’s too young to diagnose it. There are conflicting data: she’s manipulative to you, but seems to function perfectly fine at school and her other activities. It might be teen issues combined together with her past treatment of being the golden child.
You are thorn between your feelings as a mother and your love for her, and at the same time hurt and feeling betrayed by her actions and threats, her involving the ex-spath into it and possible being coached by him, as well as the irresponsible neighbour, and then the boyfriend.
I think though that pinpointing the causes is not helping you at the moment. It leaves you rocking back and forth between guilt, blaming others and fearing the worst about her. This is what confuses you the most imo. And it’s imo NORMAL that you’re confused. How much wasn’t it confusing to be with a partner, let alone a teen that you raised to the best of your abilities and love and who’s now almost an adult.
I think it’s best not to focus on diagnosis at the moment, but to ensure you’re giving her the tough love she needs and requires at the moment, and heal the wounds with your younger daughters.
I do think that therapy would probably serve you best at this time to deal with this set of confusing and conflicting emotions: you and your youngest daughters.
ToBe, of all the advice I’ve read here to you, the thing that seems most powerful is what witsend said – not to take your daughter’s behaviors personally. I’m sure it’s easier said then done.
Dear Witsend and Tobehappy~
I have no experience with teenagers, therefore no opinion or advice on what you’re going through with your children. But I do have experience with bipolar.
Tobehappy, I’ve been reading your posts and can hear the anguish, the desperation, and the frustration of dealing with your daughter. I feel for you, I can only imagine how bad this must be for you.
Until I read Witsend’s post on bipolar, I wouldn’t have put it together. We have family friends my parents age who have a son, now 48, who lived the exact life both of your kids did and it started when he was 14.
He went to live with his grandparents as a teen (no boundaries there either) and them married a messed-up individual very young. Marriage lasted a year and left him with even more issues. He moved in with his parents again after the divorce when he was about 21 and has been there ever since.
He has never had a steady job. He has had many episodes throughout his life where he flips out, commits crimes, goes to jail, stays addicted to drugs and alcohol, and wanders off weeks and months at a time.
He always seems to have the episodes when his parents make him get a job. It lasts a few months and then he stops taking his medication for bipolar and again goes on an episope where he gets fired, gets violent or commits a crime, his parents bail him out, get him back on meds and then he just bought 3 more years of living at home without a job.
The last time he had a job was 10 years ago and he managed to cut his finger off at work on a meat slicer. His parents tried to sue the grocery store where he worked, sued the driver of a car that his adult sons friend hit when he was drunk (they won over 40k) and are currently on their second lawsuit against SS because they keep denying their son disability for being bipolar.
This is in no way meant to depress you or even suggest your daughter has bipolar, but it can serve as a warning of what could be if you treat this situation the way our friends did.
By always coddling him, forgiving him, babying him, suing on his behalf, taking him in his whole adult life, making excuses for him (his mom thinks he’s a misunderstood genius), and accepting drugs and alcohol in their home, they have made it possible for him to be the way he is.
In my opinion you are both doing the right thing with tough love. Whether it be teen angst and rebellion, bipolar, or something else, I believe from seeing this family unfurl the way they have as a good example of what not to do.
I would say to continue what you’re doing even if they don’t live with you. My friends were made to feel guilty by their son for abandoning him to the grandparents and allowing his disorder to grow. They bought it and have been paying the price ever since.
I am sure teens are difficult to figure out and God knows they’re all different and unique, but I would say no matter the reason for their behaviour, tough love is the best way to handle it.
I’m so sorry for your experiences and the hell of having to figure out what to do next and the pain of your kids being this way towards you. But you are both smart and strong enough to know exactly what to do even if you second guess yourself.
I say you’re doing a great job, I can tell you’re GOOD mom’s, not bad, and kudo’s to you for handling a very difficult situation so well. I know it must be hard but don’t give up. I truly believe you’re on the right path with this.
Keep posting on LF. I hope you get support here and that it helps you to come here. I know for sure LF has saved me from certain despair and uncontrolled grief.
God bless you. 🙂
2B ~ I have said it before and I’ll say it one more time – like Darwinsmom just posted, a diagnosis right now is not what is important, not even a close second to THE BEHAVIOR. I agree 100%, do not take your daughter’s behaviors personally, and that is very hard since they are directed at you. Everything she is doing is being done to hurt you, to punish you for trying to set some limits.
What bothers me is the use of emails, texts, phone calls. How about an old fashioned “face to face” “sit down”, perhaps with a witness and/or mediator. High school guidance counselor, school psychologist, choir teacher ?????
I know she turns 18 in November, but will she graduate before then, this spring, or will she have another year to go?
I know you are having a hard time with telling her that you love her and I think leaving emotions out of the picture, business like interactions are the best right now. I certainly would not beg her to come home, I might DEMAND it, if things get to that point.
Something that I would tell my daughter was “You are my child, I will always love you, but right now you are making it impossible for me to like you.”
Counseling, please, you can’t keep going like this for the next nine months.
My thoughts, as always, are with you.