Editor’s note: At the request of readers, the Lovefraud member “Skylar” has contributed the following article.
When dealing with malignant narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, borderlines, drama queens, stalkers and other emotional vampires, it’s commonly advised that no response is the best response to unwanted attention. This is often true and No Contact (the avoidance of all communication) should be used whenever possible.
There are some situations however, when No Contact is not feasible, as in when you share child custody with a psychopath. As another example, if you are being stalked by an ex, a restraining order can infuriate the unwanted suitor, and refusing to respond to him or her is seen as an insult. They might become convinced that they can MAKE you respond and in that way satiate their need for power over you.
Furthermore, many of us have tried to end a relationship with a psychopath several times, only to take them back, each time. They turned on the pity ploy and the charm, and because we didn’t understand that this is what a psychopath does, we fell for their promises to change. They know all of our emotional hooks. For them, it’s easy and fun to lure us back by appealing to our emotions. But a psychopath can’t change. In fact, when you leave a psychopath, he becomes determined to punish you even more severely for thinking you could be autonomous.
Even if we don’t take them back, the most dangerous time for a person is when they first break up with a psychopath. The psychopath feels rage at being discarded. Losing control or power over a person is not just a narcissistic injury for them; they feel profoundly empty when their partner leaves them even if they had intended to kill their partner. The reason is because they have lost control. Psychopaths need to feel in control at all times.
For all these situations, we have Gray Rock.
What it is:
So, how do we escape this parasitical leech without triggering his vindictive rage? Gray Rock is primarily a way of encouraging a psychopath, a stalker or other emotionally unbalanced person, to lose interest in you. It differs from No Contact in that you don’t overtly try to avoid contact with these emotional vampires. Instead, you allow contact but only give boring, monotonous responses so that the parasite must go elsewhere for his supply of drama. When contact with you is consistently unsatisfying for the psychopath, his mind is re-trained to expect boredom rather than drama. Psychopaths are addicted to drama and they can’t stand to be bored. With time, he will find a new person to provide drama and he will find himself drawn to you less and less often. Eventually, they just slither away to greener pastures. Gray Rock is a way of training the psychopath to view you as an unsatisfying pursuit you bore him and he can’t stand boredom.
What it’s for:
Making a psychopath go away of his own volition is one application of Gray Rock. One might say that Gray Rock is a way of breaking up with a psychopath by using the old, “It’s not you, it’s me.” excuse, except that you act it out instead of saying it and the psychopath comes to that conclusion on his own.
Another reason to use Gray Rock is to avoid becoming a target in the first place. If you find yourself in the company of one or more narcissistic personalities perhaps you work with them or they are members of your family it’s important to avoid triggering their ENVY. By using Gray Rock, you fade into the background. It’s possible they won’t even remember having met you. If you have already inadvertently attracted their attention and they have already begun to focus in on you, you can still use Gray Rock. Tell them you are boring. Describe a boring life. Talk about the most mundane household chores you accomplished that day in detail. Some people are naturally lacking in dramatic flair. Find those people and try to hang around them when the psychopath is nearby.
If you must continue a relationship with a psychopath, Gray Rock can serve you as well. Parents sharing joint custody with a psychopathic ex-spouse can use Gray Rock when the ex-spouse tries to trigger their emotions. I acknowledge that any threat to the well-being of our children is overwhelmingly anxiety provoking. Here is where Gray Rock can be applied selectively to draw attention away from what really matters to you. In general, show no emotion to the offending behaviors or words. The psychopath will try different tactics to see which ones get a reaction. With Selective Gray Rock, you choose to respond to the tactic which matters least to you. This will focus the psychopath’s attention on that issue. Remember, the psychopath has no values, so he doesn’t understand what is valuable to us unless we show him. Selective Gray Rock shows him a decoy. When protecting our children, we can take a lesson from nature: Bird parents who have fledglings are known to feign a broken wing when a predator is in the vicinity. They fake a vulnerability to detract the cat’s attention from their real vulnerability, their babies. In this example, Selective Gray Rock fades all emotions into the background except the ones you want the predator to see.
Why it works:
A psychopath is easily bored. He or she needs constant stimulation to ward off boredom. It isn’t the type of boredom that normal people experience; it’s more like the French word, ennui, which refers to an oppressive boredom or listlessness. Drama is a psychopath’s remedy for boredom. For drama, they need an audience and some players. Once the drama begins, they feel complete and alive again. They are empowered when pulling the strings that elicit our emotions. Any kind of emotions will do, as long as it is a response to their actions.
A psychopath is an addict. He is addicted to power. His power is acquired by gaining access to our emotions. He is keenly aware of this and needs to constantly test to make sure we are still under his control. He needs to know that we are still eager to do his bidding, make him happy and avoid his wrath. He needs to create drama so he can experience the power of manipulating our emotions. As with any addiction, it is exhilarating to the psychopath when he gets his supply of emotional responses. The more times he experiences a reward for his dramatic behavior, the more addicted he becomes. Conversely, when the reward stops coming, he becomes agitated. He experiences oppressive boredom and he will counter it by creating more drama. If we stay the course and show no emotions, the psychopath will eventually decide that his toy is broken. It doesn’t squirt emotions when he squeezes it anymore! Most likely, he will slither away to find a new toy.
The Gray Rock technique does come with a caveat: psychopaths are dangerous people, if you are in a relationship with one that has already decided to kill you, it will be difficult to change his mind. He may already be poisoning you or sabotaging your vehicle. Take all necessary precautions. In this case, Gray Rock can only hope to buy time until you can make your escape.
How it works:
Psychopaths are attracted to shiny, pretty things that move fast and to bright lights. These things, signal excitement and relieve the psychopath’s ever-present ennui. Your emotional responses are his food of choice, but they aren’t the only things he wants.
He envies everything pretty, shiny and sparkly that you have and he wants whatever you value. You must hide anything that he will notice and envy. If you happen to be very good looking, you need to change that during this time. Use makeup to add bags under your eyes. If you aren’t married to the psychopath, any money or assets he covets should disappear “in a bad investment decision” (consult with your attorney on this). Your shiny sports car has to go, get a beater. If you have a sparkling reputation, anticipate that he will or has already begun to slander you; therefore, don’t allow yourself to be put into any compromising position or pushed into erratic behavior. The reason he wants to take these things from you, is not necessarily because he wants them for himself, it’s because he wants to see the emotions on your face when you lose them. He wants the power trip associated with being the one who took them from you. By preemptively removing these things from his vision and not reacting with emotion at the losses, you continue to train him with the idea that you are the most boring person on earth, someone he would never want to be.
Origin of Gray Rock:
In 2009, I left my psychopathic partner after 25 years, but I didn’t understand what was wrong with him. I sat in a sushi bar, lost in confusion, when a tall, athletic man introduced himself. To my own surprise, I instinctively poured out my story to him. This complete stranger listened to my story and then he explained to me that I was dealing with a malignant narcissist. He advised me, “Be boring.” He told me that his girlfriend would come home each night, begin drinking and become abusive. They were both professionals who traveled in the same professional circles. He knew that she would stalk him if he broke up with her and he didn’t want to risk the slander and drama which could leak out and damage his professional reputation.
His solution was to be so boring that she would simply leave him. He declined to go out on evenings and weekends. He showed no emotional reaction about anything, no interest in anything and responded with no drama. When she asked if he wanted to go out for dinner, his reply was, “I don’t know.” After a few months of no drama, she simply moved out.
Why is it called Gray Rock?
I chose the words Gray Rock because I needed an object for us to channel when we are in an emotionally charged situation. You don’t just practice Gray Rock, you BECOME a Gray Rock. There are gray rocks and pebbles everywhere you go, but you never notice them. None of them attract your attention. You don’t remember any specific rock you saw today because they blend with the scenery. That is the type of boring that you want to channel when you are dealing with a psychopath. Your boring persona will camouflage you and the psychopath won’t even notice you were there. The stranger in the sushi bar showed great insight when he advised me to “be boring.” He struck at the heart of the psychopath’s motivation: to avoid boredom.
In nature, there are many plants and creatures that show us how to survive in a world of predators. Among others, birds feign injury to protect their babies and mice play dead until the cat loses interest. Both of these tactics can be useful and they can be channeled when applicable. Yet, it’s difficult to calculate each and every move that a psychopath will make and to determine the best course of action each time. Instead of trying to out-think him, channel the gray rock. This simple, humble object in nature has all the wisdom it needs to avoid being noticed, it’s boring.
Copyright © 2012 Skylar
Ok here goes..
This July I recently started dating my exboyfriend again. We dated for a few months prior but broke it off because I felt I wasnt being treated right after how good I was to him. He did not accept the breakup and kept hounding me to make it work. My family got involved because they only want to see me happy and want to make sure he got the hint and left me alone.
Needless to say, my ex and father hate each other. Months had past and although I was the one to break it off I missed him. We crossed paths in July and started talking again. In the beginning it was great. He was sweet loving I was so happy. All the while my family has no idea I’m seeing him.
Recently I haven’t been feeling the spark as much. He has gone back to his old ways of not caring, not being considerate , selfish and stubborn. He’ll put down everything I say to invalidate me. I like to think of myself as an intelligent girl who holds a professional career. He alway said he wanted a smart girl but I feel he feels inferior to me. I come from a great family; whereas he comes from a broken family. He puts me down for people loving me and making a fuss over me. I try to explain thats what you do when you love and care about someone- like I do for you. He made fun of my birthday how its a day all about me. I just feel like my feelings never matter. If his phone rings while its our time together while if its my phone its as if I murdered someone.
Theres no communication. If I get upset, for a valid reason, he doesnt approach me to work things out. He is never wrong. I make myself upset. We recently went a week without speaking he acted rude and showed me he doesnt value our time together. He never ever apologizes and when I express how I feel wronged he then brings up instances from the past where he felt wronged which half the time dont even make any sense.
When were good together its great, but when its not it makes me so upset. I know no one is perfect and people fight but you have to be able to communicate and respect each other. I am 25years old he is 35 years old. I think my biggest reason for staying around this long was because I thought he would see the great girl that finally walked into his life and change himself for the better. He never experienced love from anyone before me.
At this point I know he is not the man I want to marry and start a family with. We do not live with each other but usually see each other throughout the week. Im afraid if I break up with him he is going to go crazy and seek some sort of revenge against me firstly tell my parents about our secret relationship which they will KILL me lol not literally but it will destroy my family honest to God and I’m 2 seconds away from a nervous break down by leading this double life. Secondly he takes on the attitude where he doesnt deserve this how could I do this to him, this isnt right. Its scary honestly when he gets upset because he speaks vindictive and revengeful. The law and police do not scare him.
My question is how do I let this fizzle out, what do I do, what do I say to get this guy to lose interest in me. Not to sound conceded by all means, but I am a pretty girl and I know he knows he cant find better than me.
Any advice would be appreciated
Thank you,
Lisa
Lov10,
You can’t let this “fizzle out” because he WILL STALK YOU for a while at least.
You have to break it off and KEEP IT BROKEN OFF, no contact with him after you tell him “NO, we are broken up!” Do not read e mails from him, bloock them coming in change your phone number or whatever you hhave to do so you don’t even get the messages from him.
If he comes to your door or your parent’s door, call the cops. Do not talk to him and tell your folks not to talk to him.
I suggest that you COME CLEAN with your folks, it is best not to lie to people who love you, people who have your back. Just say “Mom, dad, you were right. I was wrong, and I will never lie to you again. I want your trust and I understand lying to you and hiding stuff doesn’t show trust”
Then don’t ever lie to them again. Accept that you made a poor choice. It wasn’t a “mistake” because that’s an ACCIDENT, you chose to see him again, and chose to keep it secret, but you will not repeat that behavior. Just be glad you have supportive parents.
lov10, you sound very smart to me.
I’m 50 years old but not saying that means I have all the answers. 🙂
What you have going for you is that you know he is not the man you want to marry and start a family with (please do not do anything that could get you pregnant while you are still involved with him, then!)
So it sounds like you are scared of him and you might have good reason to be. That makes it hard to extricate.
Do you really think you cannot go to your family to level with them? (this is an honest question — some families can get it and be helpful, and others not so much, or make things worse). It sounds like your family would be protective of you. and living a double life is not going to be helpful to you. Maybe look at it this way: it is not that you did a “stupid” thing by going back to your boyfriend. And not necessarily that you “made a mistake” or “broke any promises.” It is YOUR life to live, to experience, to learn from, and sometimes as we are learning and living, we put ourselves in situations we regret, and then we have to clean up the mess, live with the consequences, and I guess what I’m hearing from you most is that you are very, very smart to figure this out so quickly and you HAVE learned a lot from this lesson — you are not going to stick around to “keep trying to make it work” which is futile, as you have FIGURED OUT FOR YOURSELF. Good girl! 🙂
If people give you the “I told you so’s” well that’s on THEM. (not really helpful to YOU, and if that’s what’s going on, yep it makes it harder for you to go to them for support — you can acknowledge that while at the same time being extremely honest and authentic, asking for what you need, and not allowing any judgments of you by others to get to you. Try, anyway. Sometimes it is not so easy.)
If he is dangerous, you could go to a domestic violence support group for advice (even if he has never been violent towards you — they are full of excellent advice on how to leave a relationship safely).
Your examples of what he is like towards you are very well articulated red flags and reasons for why this is an unhealthy relationship.
It sounds like you have thought this out very carefully and you are ready to leave — FINALLY.
I am not sure how dangerous he is, how quickly you need to leave, how directly or indirectly you need to do this for your own safety and wellbeing. Sometimes we need to leave dangerous people in very sneaky ways (see the movie, “Sleeping With The Enemy.”) Other times, we can just look them in the eye and say, “best wishes to you in your life. Time to move on.” And they will.
One time, I left a “crazy-scary” person by putting on a “crazy” act myself. I out-crazied him. He became very turned off by me and my craziness and HE broke up with ME. Well, this worked for me because I do NOT live in a small town, we did not have any friends or anything in common for him to destroy my reputation with.
It depends how scary your boyfriend is, lov10. If he is just clueless and you think he might lose interest, you could say something like, “it’s just not working out. It is clear to me that I am not the right girl for you. Sometimes you have to try to get to know someone to figure this out. I know we have both tried very hard. We just want different things. You are very attractive and a nice person, and I wish all the best for you. You deserve to be loved by someone who really is capable of loving you in that way. I’m still so very young and just not ready for the kind of relationship you want. I am not ready to settle down. I want to date more people and focus on my career. You seem unhappy with the person I am and to be quite honest, I am who I am — I’m not going to change. You will undoubtedly be happier when you find the right girl who is ALREADY the girl you want. So, I am letting you go so that you are free to find that person.”
That approach works sometimes too. It is actually the direct and honest approach. It can throw them off (if they ARE a spath) because they are not expecting you to be so self-possessed and NOT a target. See? You no longer turn yourself into a pretzel trying to please HIM by changing yourself, shaving off bits of yourself that displease him, and then getting unhappy when he doesn’t do the same for YOU.
Those are just a few ideas off the top of my head. Above all, be safe, be yourself, but if he is a spath, keep the deepest EMOTIONAL and vulnerable parts of yourself hidden. Make it more about HIM and HIS feelings (as you extricate yourself).
Lov10,
I don’t envy your position. OxD gives some great advice about your parents and GIRL! you have loving supportive parents and a not so great, possibly bad guy. Get rid of him and it DOES NOT fizzle out.
My first love was a bit older than me and I was determined NOT to end in a FIGHT. Guess how we ended MANY MANY years later?? Biggest physical altercation in my life! I always thought “one day this won’t hurt”. It hurts!!! Let go, embrace the pain (watch your back) and don’t hang around ANYBODY who you fear might be vengeful to you and your family. Unload that person the minute you feel that. It’s a bad sign and those “red flags” being ignored is how we all came to Lovefraud.
Good luck I hope you get out of this easily but learned the lesson.
Thank you so much for both of your replies. I really do appreciate it.
I agree with the statement that it is my life and my choices, but my family doesnt want to hear that. My father hates him and I honestly at this point, can’t look my parents in the eye and tell them. Honestly because I fear God forbid I’ll give them a stroke. I’m different from my family where as I’m my own person and want to make my own choices and my parents feel like decisions like who you choose to date should all be agreed upon. I’m 25 years old and an adult, thats why I wanted to go out with him again to feel like it was my decision. God bless my family because my parents made me into the woman I am today but them knowing would make the situation worse and based on the past they just dont understand.
I’m afraid to break up with him in the very well written way you phrased it 20 years. Thats exactlly how I did it the first time and he hounded me.
When you say make it more about HIM and HIS feelings what do you mean? We primarily speak over the phone through text messages and then see each other at night. Do I become distant in my messages? Should I just ramble about things when I see him, because like you said I too thought about “out crazying him”
All I want is for him to break up with me and not have the desire to tell my family as revenge for ending things.
Lov10
I totally understand your fear of breaking up with him.
I know that if things had gone down differently for me, my spath would have killed me and gotten away with it.
The ONLY thing that saved me is that I learned what he was, A PSYCHOPATH.
First of all, YOU ARE DEALING WITH A PSYCHOPATH. You cannot doubt that for a moment, you cannot go backward, you MUST see this through. If you slip again and take him back, you will lose your ability to get rid of him.
There are certain rules you MUST follow. These rules are NOT NEGOTIABLE. You have to follow these rules because if you don’t you are playing his game.
Rule one: NO SECRETS FROM YOUR FAMILY
This is SO IMPORTANT that I put it in bold. He is USING the secret to control you. It’s like blackmail. The only way out is to come clean. Be the FIRST one to disclose the dirty little secret and you will be free from it.
You say you want to be treated like an adult and make your own choices, well keeping this secret is acting like a child.
Your parents sound a bit controlling, that might be why you became attracted to the control freak, it seemed familiar to you. That’s what happened to me. But it doesn’t matter now, you ARE making your own decisions and you don’t have to be afraid to tell them of your decisions. How do you do this without making them freak out? Use humility. Tell them, “mom, dad, you were right. I was wrong. I did something I’m ashamed of and I want you to know that I’m sorry and I’m going to try to make things right.”
This will help because right off the bat, you are telling them that you respect them and their wisdom. That will soften the impact of what you did wrong: (your lies, not your decision, is what you did wrong)
That’s the first step, now for getting rid of him. Realize that spaths lie all the time about everything. He has been telling you that he doesn’t fear the police because he wants you to think you have no recourse and you’ll never escape him.
You could go NC and follow up with a restraining order, but as you said, it just gives him more drama and he’d love that.
So, are you a good actress? If you want to try gray rock, you could tell him that you are depressed and have begun taking Paxil or some other SSRI. Then complain that the side effect is sleepiness, so you are tired all the time. Some anti-depressants also reduce your sex-drive. Use the side effects to your advantage.
I know that my exspath became very angry when anyone was taking SSRI’s because he couldn’t affect their emotions as easily. He complained when his friend took them and later, when I took them.
You also should tell him that you have confessed to your parents and they know about your relationship. You could say that THEY insisted you go to a psychiatrist and that is why you are on medications.
You see, this story is all about how you are NOT isolated from support. Spaths like to isolate their victims and that secret was how he had isolated you from your parents. If he thinks that you have lots of people in your corner (parents, mental health professional) he will see that you aren’t as easy prey as he had hoped.
Lastly, keep your reactions very boring. Make no sudden moves, act like you don’t care about anything.
Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
My prayers are with you.
lov10,
Saying making it more about HIM and HIS feelings, that is one way that I have done “gray rock.” Basically, I keep my feelings hidden or masked or vague or not extreme in any way in the way I express them. It doesn’t mean that I don’t FEEL, but it does mean that he is not allowed to “get off on” my expressing my emotions.
(I will write here as though your boyfriend is a spath, but I don’t of course know that). Spaths definitely get off on our emotions. So don’t give him any.
But you can turn it back on him. Often what spaths do is bait us into getting our emotions up — of any sort. But they do really love to bait us into getting upset.
OK — I don’t want to distract you with this game because truly what you need to do (from what you said you want) is leave this guy!!
Gray rock is useful for when you are in a situation where you have to interact with a spath, or you want them to lose interest in you (and find a more interesting target). So, be as bland and boring as possible.
I have been “vague” and “slightly out of it” appearing. I pretend that I lose my train of thought, then I yawn and say “I’m kind of spacy. Sorry.” So, that is how I do it. Kind of vague, spacy, sleepy, not holding any opinions of my own, not particularly upset, too sleepy to be excited OR upset, but just slightly on the positive side of neutral (not depressed, but not exactly “pleasant” either). Don’t wear bright and pretty clothing. Start looking kind of bland and boring. Not ugly. But just maybe not so well groomed and pretty. Don’t express excitement about anything. Don’t have anything interesting to say.
If he expresses an emotion, you can say, “you sound sad/angry/excited.” But try very hard NOT to give him any material to work with, or anything to react to.
BUT — you need to get the heck out of there. Sounds like you are more afraid of your family’s reaction than you are of staying in the relationship. I think that is faulty thinking (if true).
I have had what sounds like a similar situation with the family that doesn’t accept that I’m a grown up. I have found, over the years (many years), that what works best is for me to just BE a grown up, which means I am going to be myself, whether I have my family’s approval or not. If they meddle, I tell them, “back off. You are out of line.” If they express their “disappointment” in me, I say, “so be it. I can live with your disappointment. However, I will continue to be myself and live with the consequences of the choice I make.” And, “I love you too, Mom and Dad. Life sure isn’t easy sometimes. I appreciate your support and caring for me. I am going to be OK — no matter what. You have given me a great foundation for life, now it’s time to let me spread my wings and fly. Please don’t worry.”
I have also had to break unpleasant (and embarrassing) news to my parents over the years, and didn’t want to hurt them or disappoint them or worry them…. and it can take courage to do this. I have had to work myself up to it. Sometimes, I ask my parents to meet me at a bar and I buy them a drink, and I tell them I need to talk to them about something important. And I tell them, “This is very hard for me to bring up to you, but I must. I am afraid of your reaction. I am hoping you will just listen to me and let me say what I need to say.”
I have also said to them, “I know for a fact that you have done things in your life you have regretted, some of them I have no idea about and don’t need to know about. No one gets to be a certain age without having made mistakes. So please cut me a break. I’m living my life, earning my regrets, and maybe one day I will be a wise, experienced person like you.”
It also kind of depends how self sufficient you already are, and if you depend on your parents for lots of things, from time to time — if they feel they need to rescue you. I just mean, are they picking up on signals from you that you are weak and need their help? Or are they doing this on their own? This is just food for thought for you. No judgment, either way.
BUT — back to the BF.
My gut tells me that your reluctance to talk to your parents about this might be connected to your reluctance or hesitation in breaking up with your BF in the direct-approach way. Is it more a resistance to having tough conversations/being firm with your boundaries — or are you genuinely afraid of violence or other scary behavior from the BF? Important question for you to answer for yourself.
All people who have poor boundaries will push and push and push until you say STOP!!!!
I’m going to assume (though I could be wrong) that your boyfriend might not be dangerous/violent. I’m NOT saying that hounding, pestering your parents or stalking are OK. I really do not know your situation.
But have you tried (over the phone), “BF, I have not known how to tell you this, but I have not been happy in this relationship for several weeks. I have not known how to tell you. This is hard for me to say, but I want to break up with you. This time for good.”
IF you have already FIRST had the tough conversation with your parents, then what are you afraid might happen with the BF?
What Skylar said.
I fear that no matter how I break up with him he will say, ” You know I was such a good guy to you and your family, (he’ll start to cry.. meanwhile he wasnt a good guy), I treated everyone right and this just isn’t fait, I don’t deserve this.” So then my feelings are null and it becomes all about him. I think he will take his aggression out on my father and to stick it to me tell my family.
I cannot thank you enough for your kind words and advice, but I cannot tell my family. The way it destroyed my family, the fights it has caused in the past, my life was hell because I chose to date him. I don’t feel like hes going to kill me at this point god forbid that even be a thought. His behaviors just fit the mold and he is not someone I want in my life. So thank you for your advice I have to get him to lose interest in me and be the one to end it. Because when I did end it, and we were apart he still remembered me as this this amazing girl that everyone wanted, who was beautiful, funny, smart, and well liked. I feel like if I maybe act and change my personality for a little he’ll think he can do better than me. I am going to use everything everyone has said to me. I thank you.
Good luck — none of this is easy! I hope it works out for you, as quickly and painlessly as possible.