It is likely you are reading this because a sociopath said “I love you” and you believed him/her. You also probably thought that when the sociopath said “I love you” he/she used these words as you do, to express a sense of intimacy, passion and commitment. However, what a sociopath says and what a sociopath does are so different it can be crazy making.
In the aftermath of a relationship with a sociopath, former romantic partners are left to wonder, “Just what was going on in that person’s mind?” “What was he/she thinking?” Many people have written in asking, “Did he/she really love me?” and “Do you think he/she loves that other person now?” It is the second question many find most disturbing.
In 1943, Dr. Abraham Maslow in his classic paper, A theory of human motivation, declared that psychopaths lack the capacity and motivation for love. “The so-called ‘psychopathic personality’ is another example of permanent loss of the love needs. These are people who, according to the best data available (9), have been starved for love in the earliest months of their lives and have simply lost forever the desire and the ability to give and to receive affection (as animals lose sucking or pecking reflexes that are not exercised soon enough after birth). ”
Contemporaneously with Maslow, Dr. Hervey Cleckley described psychopaths in The Mask of Sanity and developed a set of criteria for their identification. According to Cleckley (criteria #9), psychopathy is associated with “pathological egocentricity and incapacity for love.” He declared “The psychopath seldom shows anything that, if the chief facts were known, would pass even in the eyes of lay observers as object love.”
Cleckley also maintained that an “absolute” incapacity for love is even found in those with an “incomplete manifestation” of psychopathy, who lack the full disorder. Writing in 1956, Drs.McCord and McCord disagreed with Cleckley and Maslow. They described psychopaths as having “a warped capacity for love” stating, “there are indications that the capacity, however under developed, still exists .”
My guess is that the McCords got fooled just like you and I and a recent paper shows us why.
Dr. Barbara Gawda at Maria Curie-Skldowska University Poland studied the “Love Scripts” of sociopaths. Love scripts are simply ideas about love that a person has. These ideas include how people fall in love, and what people in love are supposed to do.
Dr. Gawda showed a picture of a man and a woman hugging to 60 sociopaths in prison, 40 prisoners without disorder and 100 university students. She asked all participants to write a story about the picture and to imagine themselves as one of the characters.
The sociopaths stories were significantly longer, more detailed, and more self-centered than the other two groups. Contrary to expectations then sociopaths do not lack love schemas. They are perfectly adept and perhaps more adept than most in talking about love. The findings of this study jive completely with my own clinical experience. That is, over the years many people I knew to be sociopaths told me about their love experiences. Their stories were impressive and had me believing that they were capable of love.
If clinicians, scientists, lovers and family members rely on verbal reports, they will never come to understand the lack of capacity to love that characterizes sociopaths. Cleckley reached his conclusions about psychopathy and love only after observing their actions over a number of years. He also said this,
“In a sense, it is absurd to maintain that the psychopath’s incapacity for object love is absolute, that is, to say he is (in)capable of affection for another ”¦ He is plainly capable of casual fondness, of likes and dislikes, and of reactions that, one might say, cause others to matter to him. These affective reactions are, however, always strictly limited in degree. In durability they also vary greatly from what is normal in mankind. The term absolute is, I believe, appropriate if we apply it to any affective attitude strong and meaningful enough to be called love, that is, anything that prevails in sufficient degree and over sufficient periods to exert a major influence on behavior.”
References
A theory of human motivation. Maslow, A. H.; Psychological Review, Vol 50(4), Jul, 1943. pp. 370-396
McCord, W and McCord, J (1956) Psychopathy and Delenquency New York: Grune and Stratton, Inc. page 13
Love scripts of persons with antisocial personality.Gawda B.
Psychological Reports 2008, 103, 371-380.
This study compared the scripts of love among 60 prison inmates diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder and those of 40 inmates without an Antisocial Personality Disorder diagnosis but low antisocial tendencies, and a control group of 100 adult students in extramural or evening secondary schools without Antisocial Personality Disorder traits. The study focused on emotional knowledge about love of the group with Antisocial Personality Disorder, as they present lack of capacity for love. The study was done to examine how they perceive love and how much knowledge they have about love. All described their reactions to a photograph of a couple hugging each other. The content of these scripts, analyzed in terms of description of actors, their actions and emotions, and length of description, was compared among the groups. The scripts of love by antisocial inmates contained more actors’ feelings and strong emotions, as well as more descriptions of actors’ traits, their actions, and presumptions. The inmates with Antisocial Personality Disorder showed more focus on themselves when they described love than the other inmates and the controls.
Easy: Thanks and I totally relate!!!!
Oxy: your way with life/words is just awesome. What a kind gift of compassion you have. And your dedication to share is so worthwhile. I so appreciate you and this list.
Yeah, I do seek peace and it’s just not possible with these people no matter how much you want it to be.
Dear Twice,
thank you!
Quote TB: “I do seek peace and it’s just not possible with these people no matter how much you want it to be. ”
Yes, that is the most difficult thing to accept, at least for me, and like an “addict” I have to remind myself every day that I cannot let go of that sentence, or give in to false hope. I must also keep myself cautious with other people in my life and not let another psychopath or abusive person slip into my circle of trust. but it is ONLY within that CIRCLE that I find love, so it is important also that I do not shut out by distrusting everyone this inner most circle of love and connection to others.
In a lot of ways we must “run our lives” like we would “run a business” and if a “product” is not “profitable” we need to get it out of the store! If we don’t do that with a business we will become bankrupt, and if we don’t do that with our lives we will also become emotionally bankrupt.
Oxy: that is the bottom line truth!
I cannot stress enough how much this blog has helped me to get back to my senses! Thank God, I know that I was on the road to more drama and pain and whatever else I allowed to happen by having contact my my P.
I am so looking forwards to having a real, healthy relationship when I am ready, not the warped tryanncal “rewards & abuse” cycle. His poor new wife has to deal with him now, I can choose not to. If I do see him or have the occasion to talk to him, I will be just polite and not give too much away – because I have noticed that as soon as I give any info, he rushes in to help me; but it’s just another way of enjoying having sway & control over me. He is using my love for his own ego needs or whatever….
Last I heard from him, well – I did’nt. He apparently took off another trip with his new wife to be the hero aftert her tragic miscarriage. When I told my mother about it(the loss) note: she has had experience with these P’s (online) she just said, “it’s just as well then.” It’s better that they dont reproduce….and the idea that Oxy had about the exile – I had that yrs ago too, for all evil people, I thought that it was a tad harsh at the time (before I met and dated a P) but now – YES it’s a great idea!
Yes, I do admit that I must still grieve the loss of who I though he was, that I felt such a powerful love for him despite the abuse (sick & unhealthy!!!). I cant even imagine the confusing hell his new wife is “enduring” being so clueless of his P-ness. But she would never believe me if I told her anyway; just like when I was told by a friend who is a social worker, that my bfd was a P back in October. I wish I had listened – but at least now I know I will not repeat the experience and delude myself into thinking that they can love – when the clear fact is that they just never ever can.. it’s impossible.
Real love = I welcome you!
Just a test. My computer is goofy.
Hi all, been trying to post but haven’t been able. This place is so SANE. THANK-YOU.
Hope this posts.
slimone – your coming through loud and clear – sometime would you explain you screenname to me – it does not seem fitting for such a nice peron as yourself..
peron = person
md:
“Yes, I do admit that I must still grieve the loss of who I though he was,”
This is the hard part: to understand, grieve, and forgive yourself because you fell in love with the ILLUSION he projected [they mirror us/who we are/our values-that’s their evil skill-the ability to quickly know who people are]. We all fell in love with this illusion and we all mourn it. So: we are not sick….we loved the beautiful illusion not the dark evil person they really are. Once we found this out….we were wayyyyy in over our heads, most of us, anyway. And…we hated who they really are- so we worked hard to keep them in the illusion mode….but that’s all it is…illusion. Once we understand this…we must move out/on because there is nothing really there…..and that is what breaks us up the most-The Con. Towards the end we really start looking for a core personality in them…I once asked my PX hub for the real him to please stand up….he gave me a quizzical look….because you see: there is no real them…they have no real personality. Imagine not having a real you…………I cannot. *shudder*
Fiancé guy-
Things got bad and sad, I can not stay here with him anymore so I decided to get out and stay with my best friend (note: I don’t have family, just one brother in another continent) while I save some money/ask my brother for financial support to get back on my feet. Maybe I will stay at a hotel today ”“I don’t want to see him when he comes back from work- and tomorrow go to my friend’s house, she has been my friend for more than 20 years.
I told him a few days ago that I was leaving and he asked me where to, I told him I am ok and that it doesn’t matter (I don’t think that he deserves to know where I will be at, nor where I will live in the future, as this has happened before that he didn’t know and found me through a previous neighbor- remember this is the third time-).
I was not talking to him and he broke the silence and hugged me but I didn’t accept his words, we went for a coffee and talked but he never truly demonstrated any remorse or real pain for what he did (proposed and then asked me to get out because we went married *yet* and it wasn’t a good thing for his daughters, all these by his mother’s advice).
Yesterday I confronted him about how I was so happy to be here and that I really tried (good relationship with his daughters, his daughters love me, cooking, cleaning, loyal, etc), and that everything went down the hill after his mother/family advised him to NOT live with him, that we were going to fast, etc.
His mother has a history of being a *difficult* person, selfish, etc and she is a lonely person, I think she is a N and she has passed on these traits.
He told me that I am difficult and that his family has nothing to do with this and besides, he is buying a house so he doesn’t have money for the wedding; I tried to negotiate maybe we could postpone, have a modest wedding, etc but he doesn’t want to (this was a few weeks ago).
After the first time that he asked me to leave, his family didn’t know that I sold EVERYTHING, then when I went on my own, he was desperate to find me and he talked to 2 of his sisters and finally told them that I left without nothing and that it was his fault because HE asked me to move in and sell my things. So then he found me and here I am again, same pattern.
Yesterday I confronted him and told him how sick his relationship with his mother is, that they hurt us and that everything was as it is because of his family and because he didn’t stop to think about how I felt when he kicked me out, and that this was repeating; I also told him that he uses his *good father* role to impress other people and to hide who he really is (everybody admires him because he has his children 4-5 days a week), he is the ultimate benevolent and good father. He didn’t like what he heard; he told me that I can not even support myself! When I have been living alone for many years and a good, responsible woman. Of course now I am a mess because the first time I had to move out, I had to pay for a deposit, rent, a bed, etc., and this unbalanced my finances, but he doesn’t see it.
He is the one who has the lowest credit score (divorce issues), spends money like crazy, etc and then he tells me that I am a mess. I guess he wants a woman who he doesn’t have to help or support when things are going bad”actually he never, ever helped me when I needed to move out, at his request. He also told me yesterday, that I came her because I didn’t have any money to pay my own rent, and it’s not true, I was perfectly ok living alone, paying rent, paying my car, my food, clothes, etc for YEARS. No luxuries but financially stable. So this hurts a lot because he doesn’t see that I came here because he proposed with a ring and told me he loved me, AND begged for me to sell my things and move in because we were going to marry.
So, after all the confrontation about me not having money and being interested only in living here because I wouldn’t pay rent (oh he is the one who told me to instead of paying rent where I lived, I could use the money to buy things for me, so go figure, the discrepancies), I felt terrible and decided to leave today and go with my friend, I can not put up with this anymore.
He also told me that he was fed up with me, that I am the cause of his stress and problems with his family and life (??); when everything that I have done is to treat them right; his mental relationship with his family is not a healthy one, its pathetic.
His ex wife was unfaithful to him and left him at the edge of bankruptcy, she is a sociopath and a liar, and I really think that he hasn’t healed this; he thinks that everywoman has to be on her own even if married and that the wife should not ask for financial support if there is a problem in her life, I mean, if he has a woman who is rich or something, then he can bring her into his life because he doesn’t have to help if there is a crisis, just as it happened with me. BUT, he doesn’t see how HIS actions detonated my status; I wasn’t like this before he came into my life. He drained me not because he took my money, but because his actions left me in a financial crisis and that is abuse. And then to see him not helping me, it’s so cruel.
So, yesterday he sent an email saying that he knows how wonderful I am, that I am a good woman, cook delicious, etc etc and that he DOES LOVE ME BUT, the opportunity to buy his house came and he can not let go this wonderful opportunity (mind you, he knew he was going to buy a house before he proposed and the intention was to live there, both of us and his daughters), but now his status is that because of the house and the money he has to spend, he can not have me here (?), and treat me like shit (?). he *is* crazy.
I didn’t not reply to his lame email and I am NOT going to listen this time to his N words (“I love you”), not this time because if I do reply/listen to him he will hurt me more and he will always say that everything went bad because we did thinks quickly (its never about his N mother and his cruelty of doing this to me twice).
Oh and his email says ” I love you but I want to help my parents ($) and be a good father and son- he is almost 42- and have what I didn’t have as kids because we were poor blah blah; this hurts so much because I know you are alone and your parents are deceased and have nothing, this is killing me but I can not let go the opportunity of buying that house” (???)
Delusional”he wants to help his parents? His mother lives in the nicest places around and both parents ”“divorced btw- are perfectly financial stable! They both have their pensions and are doing great! His daughters have everything they want/need and more! But oh well, he loves me but want that house, help his parents and daughters and this is why he proposed to then ask me to leave.
I am sorry for the looooong email, but I am venting and trying to find some structure and support, and I always find this here, and I thank you very much!
Hugs 🙂
I once spoke the words self respect in a disscusion , He looked at me like I had spoken a compleetly differnt language!