It is likely you are reading this because a sociopath said “I love you” and you believed him/her. You also probably thought that when the sociopath said “I love you” he/she used these words as you do, to express a sense of intimacy, passion and commitment. However, what a sociopath says and what a sociopath does are so different it can be crazy making.
In the aftermath of a relationship with a sociopath, former romantic partners are left to wonder, “Just what was going on in that person’s mind?” “What was he/she thinking?” Many people have written in asking, “Did he/she really love me?” and “Do you think he/she loves that other person now?” It is the second question many find most disturbing.
In 1943, Dr. Abraham Maslow in his classic paper, A theory of human motivation, declared that psychopaths lack the capacity and motivation for love. “The so-called ‘psychopathic personality’ is another example of permanent loss of the love needs. These are people who, according to the best data available (9), have been starved for love in the earliest months of their lives and have simply lost forever the desire and the ability to give and to receive affection (as animals lose sucking or pecking reflexes that are not exercised soon enough after birth). ”
Contemporaneously with Maslow, Dr. Hervey Cleckley described psychopaths in The Mask of Sanity and developed a set of criteria for their identification. According to Cleckley (criteria #9), psychopathy is associated with “pathological egocentricity and incapacity for love.” He declared “The psychopath seldom shows anything that, if the chief facts were known, would pass even in the eyes of lay observers as object love.”
Cleckley also maintained that an “absolute” incapacity for love is even found in those with an “incomplete manifestation” of psychopathy, who lack the full disorder. Writing in 1956, Drs.McCord and McCord disagreed with Cleckley and Maslow. They described psychopaths as having “a warped capacity for love” stating, “there are indications that the capacity, however under developed, still exists .”
My guess is that the McCords got fooled just like you and I and a recent paper shows us why.
Dr. Barbara Gawda at Maria Curie-Skldowska University Poland studied the “Love Scripts” of sociopaths. Love scripts are simply ideas about love that a person has. These ideas include how people fall in love, and what people in love are supposed to do.
Dr. Gawda showed a picture of a man and a woman hugging to 60 sociopaths in prison, 40 prisoners without disorder and 100 university students. She asked all participants to write a story about the picture and to imagine themselves as one of the characters.
The sociopaths stories were significantly longer, more detailed, and more self-centered than the other two groups. Contrary to expectations then sociopaths do not lack love schemas. They are perfectly adept and perhaps more adept than most in talking about love. The findings of this study jive completely with my own clinical experience. That is, over the years many people I knew to be sociopaths told me about their love experiences. Their stories were impressive and had me believing that they were capable of love.
If clinicians, scientists, lovers and family members rely on verbal reports, they will never come to understand the lack of capacity to love that characterizes sociopaths. Cleckley reached his conclusions about psychopathy and love only after observing their actions over a number of years. He also said this,
“In a sense, it is absurd to maintain that the psychopath’s incapacity for object love is absolute, that is, to say he is (in)capable of affection for another ”¦ He is plainly capable of casual fondness, of likes and dislikes, and of reactions that, one might say, cause others to matter to him. These affective reactions are, however, always strictly limited in degree. In durability they also vary greatly from what is normal in mankind. The term absolute is, I believe, appropriate if we apply it to any affective attitude strong and meaningful enough to be called love, that is, anything that prevails in sufficient degree and over sufficient periods to exert a major influence on behavior.”
References
A theory of human motivation. Maslow, A. H.; Psychological Review, Vol 50(4), Jul, 1943. pp. 370-396
McCord, W and McCord, J (1956) Psychopathy and Delenquency New York: Grune and Stratton, Inc. page 13
Love scripts of persons with antisocial personality.Gawda B.
Psychological Reports 2008, 103, 371-380.
This study compared the scripts of love among 60 prison inmates diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder and those of 40 inmates without an Antisocial Personality Disorder diagnosis but low antisocial tendencies, and a control group of 100 adult students in extramural or evening secondary schools without Antisocial Personality Disorder traits. The study focused on emotional knowledge about love of the group with Antisocial Personality Disorder, as they present lack of capacity for love. The study was done to examine how they perceive love and how much knowledge they have about love. All described their reactions to a photograph of a couple hugging each other. The content of these scripts, analyzed in terms of description of actors, their actions and emotions, and length of description, was compared among the groups. The scripts of love by antisocial inmates contained more actors’ feelings and strong emotions, as well as more descriptions of actors’ traits, their actions, and presumptions. The inmates with Antisocial Personality Disorder showed more focus on themselves when they described love than the other inmates and the controls.
Hope,
you’re right – I think sometimes they do know something is wrong with them. Since my ex left, I have caught him on several occasons, staring at myself and the children as we re-connect after his visits with them. He knows he is separate, and looks sad, confused, and jealous. Once, when hugging my daughter as we walked up the path together, I could just FEEL him staring, and from the corner of my eye, saw him looking at us in the rearview, as he started to drive away. He actually stalled the car. I mentioend this to his sister and she said “Hmm….because he KNOWS.. He knows he doesn’t get it”.
Whenever I feel sorry for him, I listen to All-American Rejects Gives You H**l. There is one line in there that reminds me that just because they don’t get it, it doesn’t make the con any less deliberate…they know you are giving freely, but have no qualms about stealing from you anyway.
When I was little, my mother taught me not to take advantage of the generosity of people I didn’t particularly care for because it was akin to using them, no better than theft. For example, if you didn’t particulalry like somebody, and they offered you a stick of gum, accepting was deceitful, because it implied mutual feelings you didn’t share. She said the best response was “No, but thank you for offering”. If only the spath said that in the beginning, instead of taking and taking, all while implying feelings they knew they didn’t reciprocate.
Anyway, the lyrics go, “And here’s all your lies, you can look me in the eyes, with that sad, sad, look that you wear so well”.
xxxx
Goingthroughthemotions,
Yep, they see themselves as big successes! And it is so funny because NO ONE in their right mind would view them as a success…unless that person is so much lower than whale ca-ca that they actually have to look UP to see the psychopath.
My P sperm donor actually thought he was literally the SMARTEST man in the world. LOL In one interview with a newspaper he compared the rest of humanity (compared to him of course) as “malignant chimpanzees” WTF??? But he actually BELIEVED that.
Funny thing was though, even though he despised the rest of humanity as worthless, he none-the-less CRAVED adoration from them. Which is sort of a catch -22 because we are worthless to them, yet they need us because they MUST HAVE AN AUDIENCE for their adoration, but the audience is worthless so the adoration is worthless, but they must have an audience for the adoration……and the faster they go the faster they get no where. LOL Yea, makes you shake your head in wonder, doesn’t it? LOL
Oxy,
Holy Cow! (ha ha)
Malignant chimpanzee. Clearly he must have been projecting? Bahahaha
Okay,
This is truly a disturbing trend on this site this evening.
How many TRULY BELIEVE THAT A SPATH KNOWS WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM? DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THEY GET THIS WHEN THEY CONTINUE THE SAME BULLSHIT OVER AND OVER…..
Wow……………..
The funny thing was he did not GET IT that most people would read it and go WTF??? And that they would NOT go “Oh, wow, this guy must be really smart and wonderful because he SAYS HE IS and he calls me a malignant chimp! WOW, how I ENVY HIM!” LOL ROTFLMAO
lesson learned;
I do not believe my x-spath views himself as a sociopath. However, one of his many online profiles includes one that has a “dating persona test”. He scored “the Manchild.”
“The Manchild – Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLD)
Hopeful. Awkward. Soft-headed. Fire intrigues you. You are The Manchild.
Okay, Manchildren have some good qualities. They can be unpredictable, brash, magnetic—and therefore highly charismatic. Particularly, you’re passionate and are often a hell of a lot of fun.
But we’d like you to consider not using our site. You can be unthinking and hurtful, and we think you LIKE seeing bad things happen. You’ve had a moderate number of relationships, but broken a disproportionate number of hearts. In total, you mean well, but don’t really have it together.
It’s up to you, of course, whether to continue dating. There are plenty out there who do deserve you. But you’ve heard our advice. If you stay …”
I think “Clueless Lad” enjoys being a “Manchild.”
GoingThroughTheMotions;
“Oh yes, and my ex s’s online dating profile went on at length about himself… and ended with “Looking for someone else who doesn’t want to sit around at home alone on a Saturday night, someone who will be there for me”as I will be for them.”
I should email my x-spath the Saturday Night line for one of his profiles…
Actually, the one prolife I posted a bit of does go on to include a description of what he is looking for:
“I’m looking for someone who is down to earth, caring and calm in nature and is well balanced, and is looking to spending time with me and getting to know each other…”
I was all that except one. I mentioned this particular profile has several allusions to me, as it was posted after he dumped me. In fact, about 1/2 of his “persona” is really me, except for one thing.
“Calm in nature.” On our third date, I had my first WTF??? moment when he stormed out of a very famous “Sex in the City” restaurant after I asked him back to my apartment.
His words as he stood up. “You are too intense for me.” Outside, he told me “you offended my British reservedness…”
Of course the profile goes on to state that “Sex in the City” is his favorite TV show, which was not true. But I am sure back in England be brags to his friends about the place I took him to and I paid for.
Ox Drover;
As I have said before, after the above WTF incident I told myself I would not email him. One day passed and I did not hear from him, then I got a fairly cold email. No appology, not thanks for a $300 night. His opening was something like “I guess by now you are figured out this is me…” which I of course did from the .co.uk email address.
If he left things at that, I would have given a polite reply and put the brakes on things. However, before I could reply, he began “text bombing” me.
It is a shame Lovefraud mainly offers after the fact advice. Hopefully our stories and observations somehow shape Donna’s message to a wider audience.
LL,
I am under no delusions that my ex spath knows what is wrong with him, only think that sometimes, he senses something is wrong…not that he relates the “something wrong” to being anything to do with his own psyche, but rather an uncomfortable moment when he recognizes that on the odd occasion, he can’t quite read the emotions of those around him, and feels left out.
Almost like a seething jealous wonderment at what appears to be genuine caring for others – or simmering frustration as we appear to continue to live, love and even thrive, despite his best efforts to destroy us.
Perhaps he thinks we are trying to make him jealous – who knows? But surely, it is ALL about him – though perhaps for a minute he is frightened it isn’t. Cackle cackle.
Because remember, at some point, they seem to think we are all just as shallow as they are, as they project their inadequacies on to us. An example of this would be when the cat shelter decided to let us have a kitten immediately following our visit, instead of making us wait the mandatory week. At the visit I had said to ex-spath, “Cat X has been gone a year, I think it is time”, and my sadness about beloved Cat X was clearly written on my face. Afterwards, ex spath, happy with IMMEDIATE result, said “Well, your little performance didn’t hurt – you really laid it on”. Reality is, the shelter was bursting and it probably had nothing to do with me, him, Cat X, or the new kitten. At the time, I felt it was a weird thing to think – to think that I would produce a false display of feelings at the expense of Cat X, in order to convince Cat Shelter, to give me New Kitten, but of course, I brushed it aside and didn’t bother to attempt to discuss it – part of my denial, and my continued belief that he just didn’t mean the things he said, that he was just brusque, or immature, or…so very many other rationalizations, but clearly, as you say, he just didn’t get it – didn’t get that there was anything abnormal about his thought process, or any disconnect between his emotional processing and that of other people.
Behind blue eyes, what a crock about the reserved Britishness – that is a widely held false perception he used to make you feel ashamed of your desires – to make you feel dirty, to make you think he was morally superior to you, to make you grateful that such a morally superior being saw something salvageable in you. I hope to God you have not internailzed that twisted message. I only say so because my ex spath made me feel like a whore for wanting to be intimate with him….and treated me accordingly. I have known the Brits to be as raunchy as the rest, as evidenced by their frank television programming since the 70s. (((Hugs to you)))
Goingthroughthemotions,
That’s an interesting observation about how he thought you were faking to get sympathy from the shelter, and of course, very understandable that HE would have felt that way….and yes, I think that they do think that WE have the same emotional disconnects that they do have.
Once I was discussing a past event with someone (with them) that I now think was very high in psychopathic traits, even if not a full blown psychopath. He had emotionally hurt me very badly and I had cried–later I was discussing this instance and he didn’t seem to understand that I had been hurt. I said “didn’t you see my tears? didn’t you hear me cry? (He obviously had but had apparently been unmoved by it at the time) his reply was “Yes, but I thought you were just trying to manipulate me.”
That comment was a WTF moment for me even back those many years ago, but your little story just made me realize what was going on and to clarify in my own mind what he was actually telling me (though he didn’t realize what he said was as profoundly meaningful as it actually was/is.
IN RETROSPECT in almost every relationship I have had with a psychopath or someone very dysfunctional and high in psychopathic traits they have ‘TOLD OFF ON THEMSELVES” but I just wasn’t able (at the time at least) to interpret the P-speak into EMOTIONAL ENGLISH.
BBE–I think that is the key to being able to DETECT them before we get hooked, used and abused too badly is to be able to SEE the EMOTIONAL DISCONNECT and to interpret the P-speak into Emotional English. I think it is EXTREMELY difficult to do until you have had some experience with dealing with a person high in psychopathic traits on some level of intimacy.
If you meet a person high in P traits AT FIRST on a superficial level they appear GREAT—it is only after you get to know them better and more closely that you start to see the fangs or the claws hidden among the soft paws or behind the smiling lips. Like a cat, they can pull the claws out of sight, but they can also put them out in a flash.