It is likely you are reading this because a sociopath said “I love you” and you believed him/her. You also probably thought that when the sociopath said “I love you” he/she used these words as you do, to express a sense of intimacy, passion and commitment. However, what a sociopath says and what a sociopath does are so different it can be crazy making.
In the aftermath of a relationship with a sociopath, former romantic partners are left to wonder, “Just what was going on in that person’s mind?” “What was he/she thinking?” Many people have written in asking, “Did he/she really love me?” and “Do you think he/she loves that other person now?” It is the second question many find most disturbing.
In 1943, Dr. Abraham Maslow in his classic paper, A theory of human motivation, declared that psychopaths lack the capacity and motivation for love. “The so-called ‘psychopathic personality’ is another example of permanent loss of the love needs. These are people who, according to the best data available (9), have been starved for love in the earliest months of their lives and have simply lost forever the desire and the ability to give and to receive affection (as animals lose sucking or pecking reflexes that are not exercised soon enough after birth). ”
Contemporaneously with Maslow, Dr. Hervey Cleckley described psychopaths in The Mask of Sanity and developed a set of criteria for their identification. According to Cleckley (criteria #9), psychopathy is associated with “pathological egocentricity and incapacity for love.” He declared “The psychopath seldom shows anything that, if the chief facts were known, would pass even in the eyes of lay observers as object love.”
Cleckley also maintained that an “absolute” incapacity for love is even found in those with an “incomplete manifestation” of psychopathy, who lack the full disorder. Writing in 1956, Drs.McCord and McCord disagreed with Cleckley and Maslow. They described psychopaths as having “a warped capacity for love” stating, “there are indications that the capacity, however under developed, still exists .”
My guess is that the McCords got fooled just like you and I and a recent paper shows us why.
Dr. Barbara Gawda at Maria Curie-Skldowska University Poland studied the “Love Scripts” of sociopaths. Love scripts are simply ideas about love that a person has. These ideas include how people fall in love, and what people in love are supposed to do.
Dr. Gawda showed a picture of a man and a woman hugging to 60 sociopaths in prison, 40 prisoners without disorder and 100 university students. She asked all participants to write a story about the picture and to imagine themselves as one of the characters.
The sociopaths stories were significantly longer, more detailed, and more self-centered than the other two groups. Contrary to expectations then sociopaths do not lack love schemas. They are perfectly adept and perhaps more adept than most in talking about love. The findings of this study jive completely with my own clinical experience. That is, over the years many people I knew to be sociopaths told me about their love experiences. Their stories were impressive and had me believing that they were capable of love.
If clinicians, scientists, lovers and family members rely on verbal reports, they will never come to understand the lack of capacity to love that characterizes sociopaths. Cleckley reached his conclusions about psychopathy and love only after observing their actions over a number of years. He also said this,
“In a sense, it is absurd to maintain that the psychopath’s incapacity for object love is absolute, that is, to say he is (in)capable of affection for another ”¦ He is plainly capable of casual fondness, of likes and dislikes, and of reactions that, one might say, cause others to matter to him. These affective reactions are, however, always strictly limited in degree. In durability they also vary greatly from what is normal in mankind. The term absolute is, I believe, appropriate if we apply it to any affective attitude strong and meaningful enough to be called love, that is, anything that prevails in sufficient degree and over sufficient periods to exert a major influence on behavior.”
References
A theory of human motivation. Maslow, A. H.; Psychological Review, Vol 50(4), Jul, 1943. pp. 370-396
McCord, W and McCord, J (1956) Psychopathy and Delenquency New York: Grune and Stratton, Inc. page 13
Love scripts of persons with antisocial personality.Gawda B.
Psychological Reports 2008, 103, 371-380.
This study compared the scripts of love among 60 prison inmates diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder and those of 40 inmates without an Antisocial Personality Disorder diagnosis but low antisocial tendencies, and a control group of 100 adult students in extramural or evening secondary schools without Antisocial Personality Disorder traits. The study focused on emotional knowledge about love of the group with Antisocial Personality Disorder, as they present lack of capacity for love. The study was done to examine how they perceive love and how much knowledge they have about love. All described their reactions to a photograph of a couple hugging each other. The content of these scripts, analyzed in terms of description of actors, their actions and emotions, and length of description, was compared among the groups. The scripts of love by antisocial inmates contained more actors’ feelings and strong emotions, as well as more descriptions of actors’ traits, their actions, and presumptions. The inmates with Antisocial Personality Disorder showed more focus on themselves when they described love than the other inmates and the controls.
nice one candy!
have a new end lines for you also;
Your promises were empty
Your lies fell fast and thick
i thought you were my man,
but you’re nothing but a blood sucking tick.
“skylar says:
BBE,
I can relate to what you said about the taxi driver incident.
It’s like they decide that everyone has the right to be angry except you. They don’t like to see you set boundaries because if you can do it to a taxi driver, you might do it to them. THIS IS A BIG RED FLAG. ”
While I did in the end appologize and give the driver a big tip after he explained his “mistake,” the x-spath, Mr. Calm/Chilled, still lectured me. Of course that put me on the defensive for an incident, from my New York City perspective, was everyday…
But I see your point. He was not defending the taxi driver, he was trying to control me.
BBE,
for all we know the cab driver was spath too. A common spath trick is to “test” your boundaries. In this case, by overcharging. If you catch them, they say it was a mistake, or they can’t speak english or some other lame excuse.
My spath was blatantly evil to me during the last few years. He treated me like the dog you kick when you come home in a bad mood. In the same breath, almost, he would say, “xxx and xxx really love each other, it’s like they have such a deep and devoted relationship, isn’t that wonderful?” All I could think of is WTF? if we didn’t have a wonderful relationshit it’s because he was always raging.
But that isn’t even the point to my story BBE. My point is that he would also say, “Do you think I’m inconsiderate?” No, I didn’t think he was inconsiderate, I KNEW that he would make all those convoluted comments to try to make me feel like I was missing out on something someone else had.
This relates to the NYC cab driver in that spaths treat you like shit and pretends it’s because of a normal human failing, or a mistake, but it isn’t. It’s deliberate.
I am not sure of everyone’ opinion regarding SociopathWorld, but I saw this today and found it very interesting.
Sociopath test: How to spot them before they target you.
“1. Sociopaths typically don’t smalltalk about themselves as much as normal people do. They will direct the conversation back to the new acquaintance as much as they can.”
100% true of my x-spath.
“2. A sociopath will reveal “personal” details about himself strategically, i.e. for the purposes of misdirection or a false sense of intimacy/trust. Revelations of actual truths are very rare and may be perceived as a small slip of the mask.”
OMG this is so true it is scary. A little bit about his depression problems, a little bit about his fatherless childhood, a little bit about his mother dying when he was 21… There were a couple of comments with some sexual context but otherwise maintained is mask of “innocent.”
“3. Sociopaths frequently hesitate before responding. It will be unclear to you whether they are bored, annoyed, lying, or all three.”
I once described (here) that conversation with him was odd, like he was looking things up, for want of a better description.
“4. No strong reactions to illogical hotbed political/social topics (e.g. Octomom or Catholic priest child molestation).”
In his one words from a dating profile “calm/chilled.” In fact, one of his profile names is a Nordic word for “peaceful.”
“5. Monotone voice (I am told). ”
Charming, British, but monotone.
“6. A tendency to take things too literally or otherwise not respond appropriately to small emotional cues.”
Ah, now I get his being mad at me for leaving candles burning at my place. I thought it because candles = intimacy but perhaps there is more too it?
“7. Cold indifference to one or more family members.”
Told me he hated his father until the day he died and did not attend his funeral.
“8. Seemingly a different person when distracted.”
Instead of “distracted,” I would say caught off guard.
“9. Disconnect between what the sociopath says and does, e.g. seems charitable but does not give money to homeless or vice versa.”
Vegetarian because his mother died of colon cancer, but drinks heavily and smokes.
“10. Never shows signs of embarrassment. Easily wins over large crowds with confidence. “Poise” in this case = lack of nerves.”
Actually somewhat shy.
“11. Does not fit stereotypes for gender, race, ethnicity, religion, age, sexual orientation, or career. Could seem foreign, bisexual, older or younger, pious, wealthy or poor, but may also just seem unplaceable. ”
Absolutely. Does not fit the stereotype of the gay flight attendant; very much the “guy next door.”
“12. Can flip flop between keeping a very low profile (the observer) to being the life of the party (the actor).”
More the low profile in person, but online very visible, many profiles, posted videos of himself masturbating on x-tube, has various accounts on cam websites.
Cam’s – texting – tweeter – I dont do any of that. Soon people wont ever have to leave the house. Just get a cam – get married online – have mutual cyber sex…oh my sick world. Beam me up Scotty..
Just to be fair, I went over the above list regarding the two guys I dated after the x-spath and did not see evidence of a single behavior described above in *either* of them.
And for total honesty, I sometimes take things too literally but I attribute this to my technical background. I am also not one for small talk.
I am somewhat shy at first, but can be much more engaging when comfprtable, not not quite the “life of the party.”
Not fitting a stereotype can also be said of me, but I am at least consistently the same person.
Me too – consistently weird and unique – never fit into any group – str8 or gay – guess I am a nerdvert.
Shouldnt that be an Aaardvark?
hell no, thats !a kind of South African insect eating mammal!
Mama gemX
Hens;
“Cam’s ”“ texting ”“ tweeter ”“ I dont do any of that. Soon people wont ever have to leave the house…”
Very much my x-spath’s MO. Porn, cyber sex, camming, hook-ups from online, self-confessed “home body.”
The internet is the perfect world for the covert-agressive sociopath.
I dunno how old you are BBE but i am happy I lived in the world before all this technology.. I watched a program on pbs the other nite and they were saying technology is making the world worse – less impathy – less compassion – and dumber not smarter – and damaging and changing the human brain – too much info…