It is likely you are reading this because a sociopath said “I love you” and you believed him/her. You also probably thought that when the sociopath said “I love you” he/she used these words as you do, to express a sense of intimacy, passion and commitment. However, what a sociopath says and what a sociopath does are so different it can be crazy making.
In the aftermath of a relationship with a sociopath, former romantic partners are left to wonder, “Just what was going on in that person’s mind?” “What was he/she thinking?” Many people have written in asking, “Did he/she really love me?” and “Do you think he/she loves that other person now?” It is the second question many find most disturbing.
In 1943, Dr. Abraham Maslow in his classic paper, A theory of human motivation, declared that psychopaths lack the capacity and motivation for love. “The so-called ‘psychopathic personality’ is another example of permanent loss of the love needs. These are people who, according to the best data available (9), have been starved for love in the earliest months of their lives and have simply lost forever the desire and the ability to give and to receive affection (as animals lose sucking or pecking reflexes that are not exercised soon enough after birth). ”
Contemporaneously with Maslow, Dr. Hervey Cleckley described psychopaths in The Mask of Sanity and developed a set of criteria for their identification. According to Cleckley (criteria #9), psychopathy is associated with “pathological egocentricity and incapacity for love.” He declared “The psychopath seldom shows anything that, if the chief facts were known, would pass even in the eyes of lay observers as object love.”
Cleckley also maintained that an “absolute” incapacity for love is even found in those with an “incomplete manifestation” of psychopathy, who lack the full disorder. Writing in 1956, Drs.McCord and McCord disagreed with Cleckley and Maslow. They described psychopaths as having “a warped capacity for love” stating, “there are indications that the capacity, however under developed, still exists .”
My guess is that the McCords got fooled just like you and I and a recent paper shows us why.
Dr. Barbara Gawda at Maria Curie-Skldowska University Poland studied the “Love Scripts” of sociopaths. Love scripts are simply ideas about love that a person has. These ideas include how people fall in love, and what people in love are supposed to do.
Dr. Gawda showed a picture of a man and a woman hugging to 60 sociopaths in prison, 40 prisoners without disorder and 100 university students. She asked all participants to write a story about the picture and to imagine themselves as one of the characters.
The sociopaths stories were significantly longer, more detailed, and more self-centered than the other two groups. Contrary to expectations then sociopaths do not lack love schemas. They are perfectly adept and perhaps more adept than most in talking about love. The findings of this study jive completely with my own clinical experience. That is, over the years many people I knew to be sociopaths told me about their love experiences. Their stories were impressive and had me believing that they were capable of love.
If clinicians, scientists, lovers and family members rely on verbal reports, they will never come to understand the lack of capacity to love that characterizes sociopaths. Cleckley reached his conclusions about psychopathy and love only after observing their actions over a number of years. He also said this,
“In a sense, it is absurd to maintain that the psychopath’s incapacity for object love is absolute, that is, to say he is (in)capable of affection for another ”¦ He is plainly capable of casual fondness, of likes and dislikes, and of reactions that, one might say, cause others to matter to him. These affective reactions are, however, always strictly limited in degree. In durability they also vary greatly from what is normal in mankind. The term absolute is, I believe, appropriate if we apply it to any affective attitude strong and meaningful enough to be called love, that is, anything that prevails in sufficient degree and over sufficient periods to exert a major influence on behavior.”
References
A theory of human motivation. Maslow, A. H.; Psychological Review, Vol 50(4), Jul, 1943. pp. 370-396
McCord, W and McCord, J (1956) Psychopathy and Delenquency New York: Grune and Stratton, Inc. page 13
Love scripts of persons with antisocial personality.Gawda B.
Psychological Reports 2008, 103, 371-380.
This study compared the scripts of love among 60 prison inmates diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder and those of 40 inmates without an Antisocial Personality Disorder diagnosis but low antisocial tendencies, and a control group of 100 adult students in extramural or evening secondary schools without Antisocial Personality Disorder traits. The study focused on emotional knowledge about love of the group with Antisocial Personality Disorder, as they present lack of capacity for love. The study was done to examine how they perceive love and how much knowledge they have about love. All described their reactions to a photograph of a couple hugging each other. The content of these scripts, analyzed in terms of description of actors, their actions and emotions, and length of description, was compared among the groups. The scripts of love by antisocial inmates contained more actors’ feelings and strong emotions, as well as more descriptions of actors’ traits, their actions, and presumptions. The inmates with Antisocial Personality Disorder showed more focus on themselves when they described love than the other inmates and the controls.
(((GROUP))))))
Sorry you guys have been having insomnia and all the other things that go along as “symptoms” that you are with a psychopath.
Carla, I am so terribly sorry that your therapist was worse hooked in than you were…for her to advise you to stay with him “he was doing the best he could”—-cripes! Be as happy as you can be under the circumstances, you wouldn’t be any happier divorced.—??????—–You need to see if you can’t contact the state board that is over that woman’s license, maybe prosecute her and have her put in a mental lhospital for the dangerously insane, she’s worse than the psychopath!
I am so sorry you experienced such “therapy”–glad, however, that you are here where there is validation, support, and healing. Keep on reading, as many of the older archived articles as you possibly can (there are hundreds of them—all great!!!) Again, welcome!!!!
carla, having been a musician for year, I always wondered why he never wrote me a love song. You know, just for fun?
a few years ago he wrote one to my cat Violet. It was sort of cute. Then he decided to write one to me By this time he had already begun to be very abusive, so I think it was his way of testing whether he could still tug at my heart strings.
The song was titled, “I give you my world”, it was all about HIM!!
I couldn’t believe it. I wonder if he knew what he was doing or if just couldn’t muster up anything nice to say about me.
correction:
I meant: the P, having been a musician for years,
Thanks everyone for your friendly welcomes! I don’t have regular internet now but I wanted to let you all know I appreciate it. 🙂 I do want to help anyone I can because too many of us are victims of “those people” and it really needs to stop, but I fear it won’t as long as we are a sociopathic society that rewards sociopathic behavior (like Vick – don’t even get me started!)
sstiles, Regarding sleep:
I go to acupuncture sometimes when I’m really desperate and it helps. Insurance covers my lunesta, in part, so 1/2 a pill is cheaper and works quicker than acupuncture.
Everything was a lie. We can be assured of this because they said “I love you” and they can’t.
Sandy25,
It sure is a “trait”…..read some of the earlier blogs like the Bible….An old saying,” Show me a liar, and I’ll show you a thief”
Entitlement is their first name……to you, your time, your soul, your money…
Sure they will steal your money just like they steal every ounce of your soul……They are Big Bad Wolves…..waiting to devour you in everyway they can….
You can’t reason their behavior so once you know what they are then you can accept it and wonder why no longer….
I read an interesting if not humorous quote from dear old Mark Twain:
” When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained….”
If I can rephrase that a bit: “When we remember that the SP’s are all mad, the mysteries disappear and the life with them stands explained….”
One more great saying: “What a man desires he easily believes.”
Stop believing the LIES…..stop desiring what you know now is false…
Believe in the fact that he DOES NOT love or care for you…..
Once you really get that it will grab you by the heart and then soon the chains start to fall off and you will begin to hear the freedom bells ringing…….
Hold on…..you are going to make it!
Vision,
Your eloquence astounds me.
You said it all.
I was stuck with him because I couldn’t get past the fact that he loved me and I just couldn’t break his little heart. When I realized that he NEVER loved me, but in fact hated me for being a woman, because he hates his mother, it all made sense. Each action, each mystery, each word and the story of the last 25 years began to fall into place and the puzzle was revealed.
Probably there are some very rare people who have lost their love needs permanently. But I don’t think that it is a good description of sociopathy.
Why would a person who has lost his/her love needs bother to develop detailed love schemas and to become adept in talking about love? To pass as normal in society? But people are not expected to talk much about love in the everyday life. To gain something through exploitation of feelings of other people? But to gain something this way, one needs to have very good knowledge and understanding of people’s psychology. It requires a lot of work to develop this understanding, especially if this facet of human psychology is absolutely alien to you. One would gain more by spending this effort on something else. To have sex? But displays of love, true or fake, are not absolute prerequisite for it. So why do they think about love if they don’t have love needs?
It looks like the notion of love was for some reason very important for those sociopathic inmates. Probably their stories were longer than in two other groups because they were more preoccupied with thoughts about love. A person tends to have many thoughts and ideas about the subject that touches his/her feelings, not about the subject that is indifferent to him/her.
It may be so that sociopathic persons do have love needs, but some their feelings and attitudes preclude them from ever satisfying those needs, hence the preoccupation with the subject. Maybe they think much about it and enter into one intimate relationship after another because they hope to find their “perfect mate”, so that their love needs will be satisfied at last. Alas, they are unable to sustain their relationships, probably because their expectations, conscious and unconscious, are contradictory.
On the other hand, love can make a person selfless, to forgo one’s own needs for the sake of the loved one. It seems that sociopathic persons are looking for this selflessness in other people. They exploit it. But it looks like this is not the only reason why they want it. Sometimes they are ready to go to great lengths to get the other person act selflessly; in many cases they would be better off if they applied their energy to something else. It is irrational to put a lot of effort in an attempt to make someone else do something for you while you could use this energy in more profitable manner, if the only thing you want in relationship is to exploit this someone for your gain. If sociopaths nevertheless do so quite often there must be something more to it than just some gain.
I would say that they are trying to satisfy both their love needs and their dominance drive simultaneously in the course of one interaction. I think that this is impossible, hence their inability to find their “perfect mate”. And that’s why they are looking for selflessness in their partners: the selfless act may be interpreted as social submission or as an expression of love. The problem is, in each case it is either one or another but not both simultaneously. Not the way they want. So the only thing they can do is to destroy their relationships, and the more they value the particular relationship the worse things they would do to the other party.
Skylar,
Thanks and how true when it all makes sense like you said….It really is a damn mystery and we are groping around to find the key…..
My SP just called again, (he knows something is up) and told me he is working days this week so he is going to go out at night and get laid, party and that he met an executive gal who makes a lot of money and is going to dinner. I told him he then can ask her for the money he owes me….He said he was only joking and I can’t take a joke…….Why I asked “why do you do this?” He said” it is what i do”…..And then I said, “said the Scorpion to the Frog….(If you don’t know that story from another blog of mine on this site I will repeat if you ask)
He told me he will have the rest of my money so he can be done with all this……I said “This?” He said, ” This money thing.”
You see how a SP can with no conscience joke about things like that? It is abusive and mean……He didn’t ask me out for this week, not that I want to or will but just to point out the control factor…..He is used to me suggesting things and outings and probably was waiting for a clue from me…..Nothing…..He gets nothing….I felt heartless towards him….Good….
I hung up just before and repeated my mantra….He doesn’t love you……It isn’t love honey, it’s co-dependency………and I felt so much better………. I know where I needed to concentrate my efforts to help myself in selecting better relationships……..How I can delve into my problems in allowing myself to be a “sheep”…..
We need to start to fill the void left in our lives with upbuilding things like taking care of our bodies and our physical health….like doing something wonderful each day for us and maybe for someone else…..
We need a goal…..a goal for each day…..a goal for each week….a goal for each month…..and take each day step by step…..That void will fill with hope and faith……Look….the day is coming when you will be happy again….See yourself that woman…….and it WILL happen!!
passerby,
You cannot try to contemplate their reasons from the perspective of a rational adult human.
My P can fly a helicopter but won’t get a license. He can build, design, understand or repair any mechanical thing, design and fabricate in any metal. He has developed talents that he refuses to use EXCEPT in the process of a con.
Another example, he is fat and wants to get in shape. i showed him my awesome looking arm muscles I built by chopping wood for the fireplace. This is extremely hard exercise and it shows! I’m a tiny, small boned woman, doing this work. He is a broadshouldered man, but won’t do it. He would rather go for a walk or ride his bike like a pansy little girl, while I stayed home and chopped wood for years.
He told me that he doesn’t think he should have to work. Someone else should give him money so he can just enjoy life. At the time, I assumed he meant that he would like a well paying job, which he also enjoyed. (I was always assuming things to make him appear normal in my mind)
What I’m trying to say is that what may appear like self-defeating behavior, isn’t self-defeating, you just didn’t get what their real goal was to begin with. He would rather have nothing: no muscle, no job, no money, no accomplishments, rather than be the source of benefit to anyone else. He is an example of someone who would cut off their nose to spite their own face if it means YOU will suffer.
You might say it’s a matter of principal.
Those principals are:
I should have everything and no one else should have anything.
I should take everything because if it was given, that means the giver didn’t want it, so now I don’t want it either.
How does this apply to love? Easy, he doesn’t want your love, he just doesn’t want anyone else to have it and he doesn’t want you to get any either, so he must learn how to substitute his false self and cut you off from any one who might love you. All of us can attest to the isolation that the P tries to slowly implement on his supply sources.
The source of all of this “rational” (excuse me for using that word so inappropriately) is ENVY. The most irrational of all emotions.
BTW, my P can spell and pretends he can’t.