It is likely you are reading this because a sociopath said “I love you” and you believed him/her. You also probably thought that when the sociopath said “I love you” he/she used these words as you do, to express a sense of intimacy, passion and commitment. However, what a sociopath says and what a sociopath does are so different it can be crazy making.
In the aftermath of a relationship with a sociopath, former romantic partners are left to wonder, “Just what was going on in that person’s mind?” “What was he/she thinking?” Many people have written in asking, “Did he/she really love me?” and “Do you think he/she loves that other person now?” It is the second question many find most disturbing.
In 1943, Dr. Abraham Maslow in his classic paper, A theory of human motivation, declared that psychopaths lack the capacity and motivation for love. “The so-called ‘psychopathic personality’ is another example of permanent loss of the love needs. These are people who, according to the best data available (9), have been starved for love in the earliest months of their lives and have simply lost forever the desire and the ability to give and to receive affection (as animals lose sucking or pecking reflexes that are not exercised soon enough after birth). ”
Contemporaneously with Maslow, Dr. Hervey Cleckley described psychopaths in The Mask of Sanity and developed a set of criteria for their identification. According to Cleckley (criteria #9), psychopathy is associated with “pathological egocentricity and incapacity for love.” He declared “The psychopath seldom shows anything that, if the chief facts were known, would pass even in the eyes of lay observers as object love.”
Cleckley also maintained that an “absolute” incapacity for love is even found in those with an “incomplete manifestation” of psychopathy, who lack the full disorder. Writing in 1956, Drs.McCord and McCord disagreed with Cleckley and Maslow. They described psychopaths as having “a warped capacity for love” stating, “there are indications that the capacity, however under developed, still exists .”
My guess is that the McCords got fooled just like you and I and a recent paper shows us why.
Dr. Barbara Gawda at Maria Curie-Skldowska University Poland studied the “Love Scripts” of sociopaths. Love scripts are simply ideas about love that a person has. These ideas include how people fall in love, and what people in love are supposed to do.
Dr. Gawda showed a picture of a man and a woman hugging to 60 sociopaths in prison, 40 prisoners without disorder and 100 university students. She asked all participants to write a story about the picture and to imagine themselves as one of the characters.
The sociopaths stories were significantly longer, more detailed, and more self-centered than the other two groups. Contrary to expectations then sociopaths do not lack love schemas. They are perfectly adept and perhaps more adept than most in talking about love. The findings of this study jive completely with my own clinical experience. That is, over the years many people I knew to be sociopaths told me about their love experiences. Their stories were impressive and had me believing that they were capable of love.
If clinicians, scientists, lovers and family members rely on verbal reports, they will never come to understand the lack of capacity to love that characterizes sociopaths. Cleckley reached his conclusions about psychopathy and love only after observing their actions over a number of years. He also said this,
“In a sense, it is absurd to maintain that the psychopath’s incapacity for object love is absolute, that is, to say he is (in)capable of affection for another ”¦ He is plainly capable of casual fondness, of likes and dislikes, and of reactions that, one might say, cause others to matter to him. These affective reactions are, however, always strictly limited in degree. In durability they also vary greatly from what is normal in mankind. The term absolute is, I believe, appropriate if we apply it to any affective attitude strong and meaningful enough to be called love, that is, anything that prevails in sufficient degree and over sufficient periods to exert a major influence on behavior.”
References
A theory of human motivation. Maslow, A. H.; Psychological Review, Vol 50(4), Jul, 1943. pp. 370-396
McCord, W and McCord, J (1956) Psychopathy and Delenquency New York: Grune and Stratton, Inc. page 13
Love scripts of persons with antisocial personality.Gawda B.
Psychological Reports 2008, 103, 371-380.
This study compared the scripts of love among 60 prison inmates diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder and those of 40 inmates without an Antisocial Personality Disorder diagnosis but low antisocial tendencies, and a control group of 100 adult students in extramural or evening secondary schools without Antisocial Personality Disorder traits. The study focused on emotional knowledge about love of the group with Antisocial Personality Disorder, as they present lack of capacity for love. The study was done to examine how they perceive love and how much knowledge they have about love. All described their reactions to a photograph of a couple hugging each other. The content of these scripts, analyzed in terms of description of actors, their actions and emotions, and length of description, was compared among the groups. The scripts of love by antisocial inmates contained more actors’ feelings and strong emotions, as well as more descriptions of actors’ traits, their actions, and presumptions. The inmates with Antisocial Personality Disorder showed more focus on themselves when they described love than the other inmates and the controls.
I’m puzzled. I still wonder if they are capable of loving. Once my ex s boyfriend told me he had never loved anyone, not even his daughter’s mother. I think love is something stronger, and in my opinion they can’t have such a great feeling. But I still wonder if they have feelings. Someone said if they cry is because of frustration, because of something they couldn’t achieve. My ex sometimes cried and it seemed real. It didn’t seem fake. He never loved me, this is true,now I see it perfectly. And he has all the features of a narcisit, phsycopath and someone who has borderline personality. He is a compulsive liar, drug addict,manipulative, was in prision for 4 years before I met him, never cared for family, is cruel and all the things you already know. He used to steal things from the neighborhood when he was a child. It was exciting according to him. So he was raised up in a bad environment. He only got to meet his father when he was 24. Her mother married an alcoholic after breaking up with his father. I don’t think all these things justify his behavior but they can be a complement to something that was already there. Reading what I just wrote I think he told me all these things to feel sorry for him.. Once he told me that “people like him” sometimes make up things and they end up becoming real for them, they ended up believing in their lies. I may be blind, but still wonder if they have feelings. Maybe not love. It seemed like he had feelings but he couldn’t show or have them. Since he was not to be trusted, he thought he couldn’t trust anyone. It seemed like he was protecting himself. That’s why he never developed any bond with anyone. He didn’t have friends, he never missed anyone, even the friends he made and lived with for 5 months in a rehab clinic. He never showed this kind of normal feeling. If he thought of calling a “friend” it was because he could get a job from him or it was going to be interesting for some reason. The only “friends”he had was girlfriends, because he thougt he could manipulate them easier into doing what he wanted. I agree completly with everything I have seen about this kind of people but my only question still is: do they have feelings?? Why can’t I convince myself of that? Was he such a great actor? Am I too naive?Or am I right to think they have feelings, even if they are not like ours?
Passer by:
I totally agree with you. My ex was extremely envious too, and he needed to show up all the time, especially to family members. He thought the world was driven by money, and that one was seen as successful by others if he had money and could get as many girls as possible; status was what he wanted. He couldn’t see a couple getting along with each other he started criticizing something in one of them. It seemed like since he was incapable to love so he didn’t feel comfortable seeing people being successfull in their relationships and jobs. And he couldn’t admit to himself he had a single fault. It was to painful or, sincerely, it was easier for him not to see his faults because he would have to admit them and change himself, and he didn’t want to…too much work…
> Once he told me that “people like him” sometimes make up
> things and they end up becoming real for them, they ended up
> believing in their lies.
Yes, this is true. I’ve observed this many times.
> Or am I right to think they have feelings, even if they are not like ours?
Yes, they have feelings. Everybody has feelings. But it’s perfectly possible to be dissociated from some your feelings.
It’s not just about psychopaths/sociopaths. Different people dissociate from different feelings. Some people dissociate from their anger and because of that they can’t defend themselves. I think such people are likely to become victims of sociopaths. Some people dissociate from some other feelings. For example, I don’t feel guilt. I can infer from observing my own actions that I’m able to experience guilt somehow, because some my actions look like they are designed to avoid situations when I would be guilty. But I don’t feel it. Probably I’m not an angel to be completely free from sin 🙂 Yet I don’t remember how it feels.
Sociopath tries to dissociate from every feeling that makes him/her a “weakling”, and if he/she can’t dissociate from some feeling of that sort he/she would warp the experience of that feeling by dissociating from some aspects of that feeling.
Such dissociation is not a choice. It’s something a person does automatically, involuntarily. It comes from some childhood experiences and maybe from genetic predisposition. But in any case it is not possible to dissociate from ALL feelings. So they do have feelings.
Passer-by I don’t feel guilt(?) I can infer from observing my own actions that I’m able to experience guilt somehow, because some my actions look like they are designed to avoid situations when I would be guilty(?) But I don’t feel it(?) Probably I’m not an angel to be completely free from sin(??) Yet I don’t remember how it feels(?)…
Are these quotes from the sociopath you were inolve with? I am confused…
Passer by,
Personally, I like tend to see SP’s in plain old black and white…..there are no gray areas here for me…..
So the incapacity for an SP to feel the real love or want it or need it, is the issue here.
I think when we over analyze them, we start to put more into what they feel then is possible….Much like we could start to wonder if a wild beast has love since they seem to take care of their young….(although the male lion will eat the young in order to mate again with the female)
But at any rate, as nice as it sounds to credit the poor SP with defective bonding or bad genes, they are selfish creatures who have no remorse or conscience…..and if they seek love or you can think they want it, bottom line is they have none…..not even for themselves……
The SP doesn’t need love, they need to control……how can they love or want love when they have NO idea what it is??? Or need it?
Anyway, I don’t really care if they “need” love…..or not…..
They are void of loving feelings for other people, sure they have feelings and its all about control.
The SP needs love schemes because they know that we will feed from them and fall for the “wonderful love” package…It is bait and we are the prey….
They talk about it because it makes them feel normal and to entice us into believing them….
Don’t forget that you can’t fix an SP in therapy……otherwise, if we could fix em up I would buy more into your theory of love….
Dear Twice betrayed,
There was a time in psychology when the parents were “blamed” for however the child turned out, even mental illnesses that we now KNOW are mostly genetic , were “blamed” on the parent’s for being too coltrolling, too harsh, and anything else. Babies were viewed as blank slates on which environment wrote—fortunately, this time of that kind of ‘the world is flat” thinking is coming to an end. However some people seem to want to discuss those old theories, or postulate one or two of their own.
Once in a while someone comes here and tries to throw out their version of “truth”—“the world, in their view, is really flat,” we just don’t realize it, and psychopaths are poor babies formed by abusive parents, worlds, etc. It isn’t any use arguing with people who believe the world is flat, or that psychopaths deserve love and pity too—or whatever their cause is.
A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion, still.
Believe it or not, there are even “brag sites” for psychopaths, and sometimes they send over an emissary to poke sticks at us with “psychopaths deserve love too” posts. There have been several instances of this happening in the last 3-4 months. As long as they do not “name call” Donna lets them stay on the site and doesn’t block them. If she did they would just change names and come back anyway. Best thing is to ignore them, not post replies. If they start name-calling then hit the report abuse button (the last P-attack got us that button).
Some psychopaths even come here posing as “victims” and do the pity ploy, but even they become pretty obvious after a while what they are.
I don’t go read on their sites or harrass them or post bogus blogs on theirs. but sometimes they seem to get some joy out of coming here and trying to stir up chaos. If you ever see anyone who seems to be very argumentive, name calling, or overly angry, it is usually a visitor from outer space or a psychopath posing as a human being. If you don’t engage them, they usually go away or get nasty or both.
Blueskies, although I think you “get it,” please read Oxy’s post today at 6:24p.m
I trust the others will “get it” too, in due time.
Ox – We cant send all the P’s to Antartica, the ice would melt and you and I would have beach front property. Beside’s I love the penquins. SStiles54 and others having trouble sleeping, one of the tactics of a P is to keep us sleep deprived, we are easier to manipulate, control and be lied to when we mentally and physcally fatiqued. This control continues because they are still in our thoughts ( constantly for some of us ).. When I kicked him out that last and final time and changed my numbers and locked my doors and gates, I went five days and nites with out sleep. I went to the doc and got Temazepam (generic for restoril) it is only 18 bucks for 30 pills. I would take one at nite and put the movie March of the Penquins on – and Morgan Freemons voice and the sounds of the penquins would sing me to sleep as I covered my head with a blanket..I remember those sleepless nites..I still have to take one occasionally but I have not went to bed with Morgan Freemon in a long while. I am at one and a half year (whos counting) No Contact.. I think my spirit was knocked off kilter with the planets and it has taken so long to get realigned, still workin on it, but life is good my friends…hang in there to all…
overcoming, As I understand it, Yes they have feelings, but only for themselves. That is to say, they can be hurt, they can be angry. So if you see the big tears well up in its’ eyes, it is probably because its’ not getting what it wants. They can want you, they can even need you (for supply) but as the old Meatloaf song says “there aint no way they’re (sic) ever gonna love you.” Just give up and move on.
I have a question. Is there any way to tell the difference between an addict and a P? Addicts can display a wide range of P behaviors, but they can recover. P’s can’t. Any thoughts on this?
New here. This probably isn’t the right topic to start at but, I was checking my mail (hoping for one from PSN–notice how that looks like PoiSoN?) anyway, and had received this, my first LF newsletter. GREAT TIMING!!
Was in a relationship a few years ago and was told after I broke it off that he was a certified S. I thought I was going insane, etc. so his mother “explained” it to me. That’s another story but that was the first time I had heard of a S, had no clue, and a friend of mine who is a psychologist just kept saying, “HE DOESN’T CARE”, “DON’T TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT, YOU’LL GO CRAZY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW HE THINKS.” “HE DOESN’T CARE. IT DOESN’T MATTER TO HIM”.
Anyway, there is someone lately and has been reminding me of my ex. Actually, I’ve been feeling the insanity, heartache, degredation, humiliation, devestation, anger, tears, constant appologizing, disrespect for myself, and I could go on forever.
Still had 4 books on Sociopathy and started looking through them, rereading. Was astounded!!!!!! Why??????? Its the same thing and I feel STUPID, STUPID, STUPID so I guess its okay that I’m here.
Found this site by accident last week and have been looking at it and just overwhelmed by the truth of what I’m seeing but having a hard time, no, not wanting it to be the truth. I don’t want to admit that I’ve been suckered and used and betrayed and humiliated and am nothing more than an object, a plaything, a toy to be picked up and played with when wanted and pushed and pulled and controlled and “do this”, “now this”, “now jump through this hoop”, etc.
Now you please me, now you don’t.
This is really hard and I know that all of you know it because I see me, him, us in every single blog, article.
HELP!! Just finally typing, admitting it to you anonymous others is difficult. I cannot express how unvalued and humiliated I feel and at the same time I beg for more. Its totally insane!!!!!!
Thanks for letting me say hello and all of the things you all have said. I don’t feel alone with this anymore but its still a hard one to swallow.
I just don’t want it to be true so much that I am convinced it is true. Did you get that????
Well, I’m shocked and I don’t know why. I want . . . I don’t know, but not what I have right now; of that I am sure. Getting out the last time was hell. How did I get back in???