Consider this extract from a piece by Anthony Daniels in The New Criterion:
In his essay, The Empire of the Ugly, the great Belgian Sinologist and literary essayist Simon Leys recounts the story of how, writing one day in a café, a small incident gave him an insight into the real nature of philistinism.
A radio was playing in the background, a mixture of banal and miscellaneous chatter and equally banal popular music. No one in the café paid any attention to this stream of tepid drivel until suddenly, unexpectedly and inexplicably, the first bars of Mozart’s clarinet quintet were played.
“Mozart,” Leys says, “took possession of our little space with a serene authority, transforming the café into an antechamber of Paradise.”
The other people in the café, who until then were chatting, playing cards, or reading the newspaper, were not deaf to the radio after all. The music silenced them, they looked at each other, disconcerted. “Their disarray lasted only a few seconds: to the relief of all, one of them stood up, changed the radio station and re-established the flow of noise that was more familiar and comforting, which everyone could then properly ignore.”
Here is the conclusion Leys draws:
At that moment, I was struck by an obvious fact that has never left me since: that the real philistines are not those people incapable of recognizing beauty — they recognize it only too well, with a flair as infallible as that of the subtlest aesthete, but only to pounce on it, and smother it before it can take root in their universal empire of ugliness.
Thus philistinism is a positive, not merely a negative force.
In the article Daniels mentions other examples including that of Liberian rebels sawing off the legs of the only Steinway grand piano in the land, thereby rendering it useless. Now maybe this is just about snobs objecting to the blue-collar tastes of regular folks. But let’s take Ley’s thought about philistinism seriously for a minute and then apply it to psychopathy. So,
IF real philistines are not those people incapable of recognizing beauty — they recognize it only too well, with a flair as infallible as that of the subtlest aesthete, but only to pounce on it, and smother it before it can take root in their universal empire of ugliness,
THEN real pychopaths are not those people incapable of recognizing good — they recognize it only too well, with a flair as infallible as that of the saint, but only to pounce on it, and smother it before it can take root in their universal empire of sin.
I have never bought the idea that psychopaths cannot empathise with others; that they’re radically other, either brain-damaged or animals. To me the psychopath’s exquisite ability to know exactly how to hurt others suggests that he is brilliantly attuned to the inner worlds of others. Nor does the idea that psychopaths can’t tell the difference between good and evil stand up. Their infallible nose for doing wrong is evidence that the psychopath is an anti-saint.
One definition of saint is “persons eminent for holiness….those who distinguish themselves by heroic virtue during life”. Turn that on it’s head and you have the psychopath.
In my humble opinion, that is.
OXDrover,
I think some of what I was going through was likened to grief. We at times, think grief is associated with dying, but that’s not always the case. Grief is a loss. For me I lost a part of myself in this other person. My innocence was lost. I grieved for it for a long time. How could I have not seen? How could I have given all of me and received so little in return? Why couldn’t I have been loved, just because? I would rehash these feelings and try and process these emotions. And through all of that I would read and search, and mainly pray. My prayer was for God to help me accept my lot in life.
I read what you endured and others here. My “happening” wasn’t even comparable, but the end result was the same. The disbelief that I gave my all and ended with nothing. All the tears I cried over the neglect, slights, hurtful words, lack of loyalty. I was silently crying out, don’t you see me? Don’t you see my value? I thought for so long that love begat love. Nothing in my growing up years prepared me for being devalued and discarded. To go together and be treated like I was something precious and thinking it could only get better once we were married, to have that bubble burst in my face, caused me a lot of grief. I grieved for the man I met. How can they dupe us so badly? Was I the only one who ever showed him affection? I guess I’ll never know. I thought because he is still alive, that I needed to keep that grief alive. Stinking thinking. Who wants to grieve all their life? I know some who do. I didn’t want that for me.
God has allowed growth for me. I do choose to believe in Him and He believes in me. I’ve felt it and seen it. In fact it’s easier for me to believe in Him and Christ, who are spirit and was flesh, than to believe what humans want me to believe. I did for a season, now I question. This is a journey and I want to pack just the right amount of what I need to use to get me to my destination. I read where we aren’t human beings on a spiritual journey, but spiritual beings on a human journey. I like that. Kind of makes the emotional happenings a lot less stressful. I went through the emotional highs and lows and can talk about it. The pain isn’t as painful. I don’t cry when I recount. So something is happening. I’m learning about me. I guess I don’t need to know what makes other’s tick and talk. I just need to have my armor on so they can’t do to me what they did the first time around. Good to be informed.
OxDrover,
I was thinking your saying what you were told about forgiveness and I,too, couldn’t understand many years ago, why I couldn’t get that fuzzy feeling back again.
I don’t know if my husband would be considered anti-social personality or just how he could be described. I sometimes feel like I’m betraying him just by mentioning his ways and how our marriage was. He can’t see it. I think he chooses not to. He had his own agenda and it didn’t include me. When the truth was finally coming out, he said he was sorry, but he would never elaborate on what he was sorry for and I sometime think he said he was sorry just so the truth wouldn’t be revealed. He wondered if we could start all over. This after more than 25 years of marriage. He couldn’t understand why I just wasn’t like before. I just couldn’t get back that fuzzy feeling. He knew I was lost to him. He said what kind of Christian are you? My Bible says when God forgives, He forgets, just like that. (He snapped his fingers on that) I looked at him and said, “I’m not God”. I’m a human being that was messed with for a long time. And just because I choose to be a Christian, doesn’t give anyone the right to denigrate me and throw me away. What kind of human being was he? But forgiveness is for me. I release them and release the right to cause them harm. Freedom in truth. I’ve found in my walk that a lot of people don’t want to ask for forgiveness. They will say they are sorry, but sometimes I think they are sorry they were caught, not really remorseful. To ask for forgiveness means they are owning their part and they are admitting they have caused pain.
I like God’s words in Psalm 51 that says “the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise”. When someone is truly sorry, they will do all they can to make amends. Not just say, I’m sorry and walk away. Or say they are sorry and keep doing the same thing. I’m someone who will show my love by what I do and not just what I say. I thought that’s how it worked. Love in word and deeds. Altruism. How does one teach that to one who thinks they know everything but practice selfishness?
OxD,
I know well the difference between justice and revenge, as I think most probably do from having had to sort through all kinds of emotions after our common experience of deep hurt and betrayal. And I agree with what I think you said, it’s certain as history shows, justice isn’t always served here on earth. Even in only my life time I’ve seen the day of a hand shake deal disappear along with the t.v. fantasy of life at Mayberry RFD. So if you choose to seek justice, and there’s nothing wrong with that, not vengeance but justice, you’ve just got to be strong and realistic, understanding you will probably be fighting an uphill battle with the cards stacked against you. The only thing I’d add is as for those people you think will never believe you and that’s many times so true, but to that I’d say, so what, as long as you’re up to it and if in the end it’s for a good purpose coming from your heart. Justice, not revenge, is a good thing when you can achieve it. You never know what can be accomplished, just as you, OxD, found in all the dealings with your family.
But I’d like to comment on another avenue of justice, not in society but personally, justice in our own relationships. As you mentioned your mother’s misplaced take on forgiveness, I’ve found that is a common phenomena of yester year, bequeathed to us from a former generation, stoicism and putting on a “nice” public face so as not to create waves or tarnish that Mayberry fantasy. But it taught us how to sweep sin under the rug, keep a stiff upper lip, stand by our man, love conquers all, and it opened the door to abuse. We were given that universal sense of Mayberry, expecting justice and goodness to prevail, and we took it into our relationships and instead we got handed character assignation in return for our dedication (among plenty of other not so pleasant things). That’s not God’s plan. And that takes me to the greater story behind King David and points to what we are talking about here.
David was the epitome of the term, saint and sinner. He was assured of his place in heaven because he always kept his eyes on God, was always quick to seek repentance. But according to a trusted Christian writer, Max Lucado, David died a troubled and lonely man. Family hadn’t been a priority (God gives us our priority list), and he had lead a difficult life resulting in troubled children and no beloved wife tending to him on his deathbed.
David made bad choices,yes, a lifetime of them and because of that he experienced both great joy but also much great sorrow. Who does that remind us of–yes, possibly some of us. But God wants more for us than salvation just as He did with David, he wants us to have a joyous and fruitful life, but because of David’s choices he didn’t receive all that God offers. Sometimes we get a wake up call like we all have here. Also like David, we will have many giants to slay in this life time, family, career, illness, finances, etc.
So we are tasked to put on the full armor of God. And yes we are also tasked to examine the fruit, and examine or search the scriptures. An easy task, obviously I think not, it wasn’t for David either, along with all of us on here. So we have to change past thinking and our methods of relating, even statistics show we are likely to repeat past behavior. Looking for those clay feet requires solid judgment and good choices. We will always see signs because no one is perfect, but we must learn a different set of guidelines because the old ones didn’t work. And as we proceed with our eyes wide open to the changes we must make in ourselves, I think we must still move forward from that same good place of Christian love and acceptance in our hearts but now with a vigilant awareness and a changed sense of justice of what we will accept for ourselves, understanding that we are able to change no one else.
According to God’s word, love and forgiveness does not sweep sin under the rug, whether it’s from your child, spouse, boyfriend, parent, friend, boss, pastor, or stranger. Instead you must deal with sin in justice and mercy.
I’ll mention blasphemy, our cloaked saints we on here have seen, the unpardonable sin, the deliberate refusal to acknowledge God’s power in Christ. Those who reject all faith cannot be forgiven, but not because that sin is any greater than any other. It’s because they will NEVER ASK FOR FORGIVENESS. That closes the door to the Holy Spirit by which you are lead to repentance and restoration. Repentance is acknowledging sin and turning away from it, changing, intending not to repeat. Sounds just like some we know.
Dealing with sin in justice and mercy, not sweeping it under the rug, is not just a good idea, it’s God’s directive in loving your neighbor as yourself. You must love yourself in uncovering your own sin, just don’t allow less from anyone else in your life. As OxD said, sometimes you’ve just got to cut down the tree.
Dear Benz,
Thank you so muc for the above post. It is in my opinon, right on!
During the time I was living away from home, literally hiding for my own safety, I read and reread the story of King David hiding from King Saul and how he left Saul’s fate in God’s hands, not taking it into his own hands when he had the opportunity.
I saw so much of my own situation in those stories, and they comforted me very much. Later, reading about DAvid’s son Absalom and how David ENABLED his psychopathic son to lead the people astray and declare war on DAvid—even then, DAvid was more concerned for his SON than he was for his own army and the people who remained loyal to him.
Yes, DAvid was a flawed man, but he was always quick to repent and change his ways. He didn’t acheive the kind of life he could have had if he had not sinned like he did, and he suffered the consequences of those sins of arrogance etc. even though he did repent and gained God’s forgiveness. The consequences were still there.
No matter how much we regret our own faults, we still bear the consequences even if we repent and change our own behavior. Looking back at the things in my life that I have done wrong–knowingly or unknowingly–I still have to face the consequences of those actions though I long ago repented of those faults and have tried to change my ways.
I do try to follow David’s example though, and when my “sins” are pointed out to me, I try to correct them with the same willingness that King DAvid had and the same attitude. What is so amazing and so good about the story of King David is that he is SHOWN as a less-than-perfect person, and still was a “man after God’s own heart” because of his own willingness to acknowledge his own faults. I think that is a wonderful lesson in there for us all.
The psychopaths do NOT acknowledge their “faults” but place the blame for anything negative that happens to them on to others. They don’t repent, they don’t respond to punishment, but maintain their arrogance and sense of entitlement, no matter what they do, or how horrible it is.
Once in a while, I have found that “justice” does prevail here in this world, but sometimes it isn’t easily found and that is when I must be willing to have FAITH that justice WILL come, but it isn’t for me to know when or how.
Thank you for a wonderful post, I appreciate it very much. More than you may ever know. (((hugs))))
If you’ve ever watched the show “Snapped” and see what a lot of others go through, only to take justice in their own hands, and end up being convicted of murder, makes me glad that I allowed God to mete out His justice. I chose to wait before Him because I knew He was going to do something, but didn’t know what. My husband can no longer speak to me or our daughter like he used to. My daughter and I have processed the past, with God’s help, and have forgiven him. She moved on and I’m in the process. I never once hated him for what he did, but I did have resentment. I took that to God, too, to process. But if one doesn’t believe in God and His words and take them literally, they will seek vengeance. If God does it, it is taken care of for all time. And if those who seek to do us harm, don’t seek forgiveness from God, that is for them to answer and not us.
I think, too, it’s all about mercy. God says if we don’t show mercy, how can we expect mercy when we need it. Then again, if one doesn’t take God’s words literally, they don’t understand the human aspects of the emotions, and how anger turns to hate, hate turns to rage, rage turns to murder. The anger needs to be dealt with and find the source of that anger. God gave me the ability to back away. Through that, my husband could no longer hurt me. I’ve been hurt by the memories and they will play in my head at times, but I’ve learned to capture those thoughts and memories and not let them consume me. Our minds can be our worst enemies. But I’m glad I wasn’t one who snapped. I chose to let go and let God. That makes His justice so much sweeter and complete. And through those who write here, I put my own life into perspective and have learned what to look for and how to back away. My mind is constantly processing and I’m listening, waiting for those red flags.
I am in a huge awakening and it’s mind blowing. I can see my own recovery. I can see where what used to put me into bed depressed is now giving me strength. I see what I used to think I deserved or I was too confused to see that it was really happening, is actually happening and it is not getting through to me. My x husband sees me growing geting better and he is going crazy. Getting meaner..I can’t say I am not afraid for my children…I am and I am watching for any signs of harm mental and physical. He sees the beauty in me getting away and he’s trying to cut me at the knees and I am not going to let that happen. I don’t know how God works, I am not supposed to know I am only asked to have faith. ANd I do. ANd God’s justice will prevail.
CLANK, CLANK, CLANK–that’s the sound of your chains falling loose Iradessa! You are becoming free of the mind-chains of P-slavery.
Be careful though, that you don’t provoke him to violence with your freedom! They are so VENGEFUL when they see that we have broken free, that we are no longer bound by the chains of their lies. Because I declared my freedom, my P-son decided to have me KILLED.
So though you are FREE, NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON THEM, or underestimate the EVIL that is in them, or their capacity to DO EVIL. While God has given us Freedom, Satan is not yet bound on this earth, and can still wound us—and so can his anti-angels, the psychopaths—BE CAREFUL! (((hugs))))
I have that 6th sense. He planned to have you killed — were you able to prove it? I wouldn’t put it past him. I won’t let my gaurd down. I won’t fl;aunt ther freedom. My plan was to speak to him as little as possible. Give him no information. He has his allie his new wife and they wanted to pretend to be friends. His actual words were I should be able to beat the shit out of you and you should still be my friend in public. My jaw dropped. ANd he is livid that I won’t talk to them.
Tell me everything I need to know to stay safe.
A note on OxDrover’s first comment on this article, “Sometimes I think the psychopaths “feed” the energy of our pain. The more pain for us, the more joy for them.”
Once my ex finally let her mask drop, she would visit with her sister (another s/p-path) and they would openly laugh share and talk about the pleasure they derived from hurting innocent and unsuspecting people who had the misfortune of coming into contact with either of these two. Saying they had no boundaries in the evil these adult women did for no gain other than fun is trite at best. Not only did they have no boundaries, they understood boundaries, good and evil, right and wrong, and would look for opportunities to turn those opposites on their head to make evil look good and vice versa. The more helpless, innocent or incapacitated the victim more they were uplifted and ecstatic.
They did this in front of me, knowing that I was on the hook with a child by my ex. They were predatory in all acts and deeds. How could I run without leaving my child to an admittedly abusive ex wife and her family. It was the rubbing of salt in my wounds.
Dear Patriotdad,
My heart goes out to ALL the parents of children by these people, you are chained to the Psychopath by your love and duty to your children. It to me is the most painful kind of enslavement one could even imagine. I pray for all such parents, but your bravery and self sacrifice are the marks of a REAL HUMAN BEING, and I applaud you heartily!
Yes, they DO enjoy the pain they cause, and glory in their successes. When I read the letters my P-son wrote to his Trojan Horse-P co-conspiritors it was so apparent at the glee he got in making life miserable for me even before they had accomplished their ultimate purpose which was my death!
Iradessa, as close to NO contact as you can get is best, absolute NO contact is the ideal, I am not sure what your situation is (have a child with him? or whatever) but if it is possible to TOTALLY avoid any contact this is the best way.
His statement IS CHILLING, for sure.
I would LOVE to write my P-son and TELL him ‘”I AM FREE OF YOU” BUT–it would only provoke him to renewed efforts to hurt me, ditto the Trojan Horse-P—I would just LOVE to tell him that I finally got title to the vehicle he stole the money by fraud from my mother to purchase—and that his X-GF, my X-DIL used the power of attorney he gave her to clean out his bank account and close it–which contained only money he and she had stolen from my mother–and that he is BROKE. I would LOVE to tell him that I am the one that got his PAROLE CANCELED, oh HOW I WOULD LOVE TO GLOAT–but there is no point, it would only PROVOKE him to more VENGENCE and WRATH—-so I have to “gloat” on these VICTORIES only here on this blog where it is SAFE to do so, and where I won’t provoke more violence on their part.
BUT, I DO KNOW, from the letters my P-son has written to everyone who knows us, and to my mother, that NO CONTACT–which means NO INFORMATION ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON—is roastiing him over a spit, turning him like a piece of meat over the fire, and he is FEELING THE HEAT, it is so FRUSTRATING to him to not get any answers to his letter, his pity letters, his anger letters, his guilt letters, his blame letters, his repentence letters—THEY ALL GO UNANSWERED AND HE HAS NO INFORMATION. It is driving him bat chit! with frustration!!!!
Plus, his source of money, which is status and priviledge in prison is cut OFF.
All ****ALL****information we give them is like giving them ammunition to shoot back at us. I advise everyone who has even limited contact to keep your “cards close to your chest.”
Iradessa:
I wish I could tell you “everything you need to know to be safe”—it depends on the situation, the particular P, where you live, a lot of things. The best advice I can give you is to ALWAYS BE CAUTIOUS—don’t trust anything they say, keep your doors locked, never (if possible) be ALONE with him even for a second. Always have a WITNESS present when you must make contact of any kind. Keep all e mails or any documents he sends you, (IN A SAFE PLACE) and NEVER NEVER UNDERESTIMATE HOW EVILL HE CAN BE.
The tiny micro-video cameras are coming down n price, if possible have them installed in your home and around the outside of your house, so that if he comes around you have proof.
JUST BE CAREFUL. and DON’T PROVOKE him verbally no matter how much you want to “tell him off.” I told my son “off” and it provoked him horribly. If you have money that would go to your minor child after your death, make sure that money will NOT be controlled by the psychopath so that it can go to the CHILD not the Psychopath. I suggest that you consult an attorney for that.
Keep your faith in God, but use good sense as well “God helps those who also help themselves.” (((hugs)) to you both.