The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I found myself craving the simplest things: a sincere kiss hello or good bye, a good night before turning over to sleep, a smile when I put his dinner plate on the table , a pat on the butt to let me know I was his girl, a phone call during the day, for him to check my car once in a while – anything to show he was interested in Me – not just what I did for him.
When I didn’t get those things I became angry, withdrawn and gave him more reason to blame me for his unhappiness.
He made me miserable but now blamed me for what he helped create. And I took all the blame – because I should have been better.
I wanted to talk things out – but we fought. He didn’t want to hear my feelings -it seemed to always make him feel inadequate – but all I wanted was more of him – his time -for me and the kids. I needed help around the house and with family. I wanted him to be around – but he didn’t seem to be able to handle family life – he was always on the go.
I forgave an affair – only to forgive another years later. I believed he was working all the time and would even get up and put his dinner warmed on the table even at 1:00 am when he came home. We would sit and talk – the kids asleep – and those times seemed good -even bonding. Looking back – I guess they were just self-serving for him.
I had no idea he was coming home from someone else’s bed sometimes. Or any other activities that were more appealing than being home. He was living a double life and using work as an excuse. And I was working harder to be the perfect wife.
What could I have done differently? Would any of it have mattered?? He ‘s gone now and shows nothing but contempt for me.
Dear Newlife,
You may have known, suspected, had an idea, but lived like we all did, In Denial… the fact that you recall having to “Crave” things that otherwise come naturally in healthy balanced relationships was a red flag to you…when the jig was up …waiting for calls, a kiss, desire from him, attention….and none of that being forthcoming – was red flags flashing this is not what I deserve, this is not right…
You did what we all did…kept going, kept wanting to believe it was work, kept holding onto the littlest bits he gave you (chats in middle of night) – you were there, you were living “life” with him his way and what you thought would go back to the way it was (if it ever was healthy and balanced and all that good stuff).
You say hes gone, as if that is not a good thing… that the man who made bad choices, the man who is selfish, self-centered and deceitful and CHOSE to hurt you — is gone and thats not a good thing?
We expect contempt for us when we call them out – when we expose their truth. They couldnt handle it when they were in it, they certainly cant handle who they are and what they are about when exposed. Do we really care how they handle it or how they say they feel about us?
No. Because the truth is they didnt care about us during the relationship. At least not in a way to be willing to make good choices, healthy choices, strong choices for you (they cant even do that for themselves)…
BLAMING YOU FOR HIS UNHAPPINESS. What a theme. What a theme. Especially when you finally find the courage and strength to standup for yourself and speak up for yourself and respect yourself and love yourself enough to say ” GET GONE”. Im better off without you once I find myself and recreate myself again as the good, caring loving beautiful woman I am.
You could have done nothing differently. Except gotten out when the first or second affair occured or when craving the simpliest things began.
learnthelesson:
Thanks for your kind words. I look at who he is with now and wonder what makes her so worthy in his eyes? She is a fake- his first affair 15 years ago -more in between -and now her again.
She was married at the time and their affair broke up her marriage. He watched her with a guy half her age a few years ago -in front of her kids -right next door -and he seemed MAD at her that she would move beyond him.
Now he seems determined to be as difficult during the divorce as he was during our marriage.
This article really hits home for me! Last time I spoke to the S… he of course wanted money and denied that was the only reason he ever calls me anymore. So now he is not calling me, but what he doesn’t seem to realize is that I don’t care! I’m not sure if it’s because he’s done with me… I’m no longer an ATM machine, or if he is giving me the silent treatment. Thanks to articles like this I no longer feel as if I have done something wrong. In the past I certainly would have felt anxiety and would have “desperately wanted relief”, and probably would have called him! But with the education I have received here I’m on to him! Thanks! 🙂
Thank you, Steve, for another fantastic post. I’ve been getting all Buddhist on another thread, and here you are getting right down to facts.
Boy, do I remember this technique. I used to call it “starvation.” Except it was starvation with scorn. And what it really was was the capitulation game.
I have a poem I wrote early in the relationship that was about not being allowed to say “I love you.” I thought it was an exercise, something about making actions louder than words. And back in those days, I thought that his “Olympian distance” when I expressed my feelings was some other kind of exercise. But I couldn’t figure out what that was supposed to teach me, maybe self-discipline. (I’m big on mentors, falling in love with people who are going to teach me something. Little did I know.)
There’s a legal word — quashed — that’s exactly how he made me feel. Disqualified. There was something about me that just didn’t measure up to whatever it took to be acknowledged. What it took to be acknowledged, I learned really quickly was to give him something he wanted.
Again, thanks for this insightful and stimulating post.
I had the silent treatment from the s every time I brought up an issue. Never had a normal discussion for 7 years. Every time I brought up something, even pretty benign stuff, it ran into a huge wall of silence.
When the s had an issue, he would attack me interrogation style. I would sit there and he would either mock me or preach at me. Kind of the same way if a parent tried to shame their child.
For 5-6 years out of the 7 years we were together, he refused to discuss the severe changein his sex drive. The first year he was constantly into sex, but once we moved in together it all changed. He never initiated anymore. He had to watch porn to feel up to having sex. He rejected my advances, which became less and less. I asked him why, he would say that sex was over rated then refused to discuss any further and would give me the silent treatment.
Sometimes I would cry and ask him how he thought that we could get married if we could not even have any discussionds about anything. He would have this pissed off look on his face and walk away. He would talk about getting married and the idea made me feel devastated, yet I did not know how to get out.
Towards the end of the relationship I begged him to go to a therapist. He would refuse to discuss anything. He pulled crazy stuff at the end of the relationship, like bringing a drunk girl home in the middle of the night and such. When I expressed anger and wanted to dicuss it he said; “well it sounds like you want to end the relationship, so let’s call it quits” then he refused to talk.
Something Kathleen Hawk said I found interesting:
“I have a poem I wrote early in the relationship that was about not being allowed to say “I love you.” I thought it was an exercise, something about making actions louder than words.”
The opposite was true with the s I was with. He kept saying “I love you” million times a day and expected to say it right back at him. He would get pissed if I did not do it quick enough or often enough. He would would be a total control freak jerk, but he needed me to tell him that I loved him all the time. It was a form of control. Even though it is the opposite spectrum from what Kathleen Hawk experienced, the end result was the same: I felt quashed.
He would ask often if I loved him -typically before going to sleep at night. But he never said it often himself . There was a time he told me he stopped at a church to pray for our marriage. Another time some old guy at a lunch stop told him there was nothing in the world like coming home to a good woman – and my h said he was so glad he had me – I lived to hear things like that – yet he never wanted to BE with me – could not even walk beside me -always ran ahead. One time he told the kids he wanted to sit next to me in a diner booth – Christ why would THAT make me feel special – pathetic wasn’t it?
And yes I looked to him like he had so many things to teach me – his self confidence was alluring and sexy – I felt protected – he is intelligent and can be insightful for someone else’s problems – he was strong and his arms around me could make me feel safe – but I never was … damnit I am crying again…..
Great article!
I have called this technique, which BTW I have USED on psychopaths, “the potted plant treatment.” Literally not giving ANY indication that you even know they are there, no body language no eye contact, etc. just TOTALLY IGNORING they are in the room, even if they speak to you. It drives them NUTS!
I actually think that is why NC works so well, why NC drives them bonzo! During the time that no one in the family (even my egg donor) was writing to my P son, he wrote every day, with adifferent technique in each letter—one day the pity ploy, the next day the anger ploy, etc. even writing to others to get them to call us and see if “we were okay.” He got no feed back at all and you could hear the desperation in his letters to us, and even in his letters to others (I did get to read some of those). They HAVE TO BE IN THE KNOW in the middle of everything and cutting them off is like cutting off their AIR supply.
Of course that is what they are doing to us with this passive aggressive (really more of an aggressive-aggressive) approach.
If they use the temporary discard against us or if they go NC with us as a punishment, they are using it as well.
My egg donor discarded me with disdain as a way of punishing me (while she thought she had supply from my X-DIL and the Trojan Horse psychopath) she didn’t NEED me any more to meet her needs for transportation and adoration.
As soon as the rest of her “army” of servants mutinied and she was alone, of course, she came back to me with open arms ready to “forgive me” for all of the nasty things SHE had done TO ME, and would allow me to serve her….
Though the psychopaths can’t love and therefore the “silent treatment” (essentially NC) doesn’t work with them the way it does with us, none the less, NC, the ultimate silent treatment, does hit them where they live, it takes away their ability to manuver….which is frustrating to the max for them. If we refuse to listen, how on earth can they get us to do what they want us to? How can they control us?
Dear Newlife,
I hear you. I can relate too. I think so many of us can. I too learned some things from my ex-tox — and let me tell you I was confused and resentful and actually bitter about that — imagine me actually benefitting from some of his traits — (although the difference was he crossed the line with his selfishness and awareness of others…I had to learn a healthy selfishness, and healthy self-confidence and to PROTECT MYSELF not FEEL protected by another…sure once I learned to protect myself from emotional and physical abuse, and trust myself, I could fall into the arms of another and enjoy it — without any need to rely upon it or need it.
A bet a lot of our ex’s walked ahead of us and did things that were about them or for them… its not personal…they are selfish in a bad way – unhealthy creatures…and they exploit and take out much of their own internal dissapointment and self-loathing and insecurity on their partner (once the mask comes off) – eventually they just start to blame and twist and turn scenarios – and we are so kind and giving and caring and without SELF-ANYTHING, so we flounder and think its about us, because of us..We question ourselves, what weve done what we can do…NOTHING..NOTHING …NOTHING – its about them!!!
He doesnt necessarily think she has more worthy of him than you – or “worthy” at all – she is just “easier” than you …to manipulate, to fool, to deceive, to control….she is merely another victim.
Newlife, he is no trophy, girl! Nothing to be proud of to be with right now…nothing to miss…except the illusion of what all his (could have been good traits -but werent) selfish traits, deceit, bad choices, etc…but what you remain remembering the possibility of what he could have been would have been and illusive was to you. When real life moments intervened into your union – he opted to make bad choices, hurtful selfish choices — he no longer gets your beautiful being and soul. And I hope you never want to give it all away to someone who is clueless about you and life!!!
Sure from the outside looking in he’s got it all. But Newlife, he LOST it all. Same old same old life he is living just with another face (they dont change who they are just cuz they have a new partner..just takes time and circumstances and how much self -value, and self-respect the new partner has — until the curtain falls again – or they remain in a dysfuncational unhealthy situation behind closed door and appear on top of the world to the outside world!
Where will you be? Hopefully onward and forward with your newfound freedom and NEWLIFE!!!!!!!! Hang in there. Need some more clarity about what was…and what you could still be with right now — and what you can give and do for YOURSELF now that the creep is creepin elsewher!!!!!