The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
meg – yes you do know~~! you just told me – “must love animals – I like that..and someone sincere – arent you tired of lie’s? life isnt over for us – yeah it sucks sometime – but I kinda feel like we are going to get it right the next time or not at all……………and yep lonliness is just an empty space right now – I think we will all be fine with just us if that is the way it goes – but wont it be wonderful if a genuine man holds are hand and we KNOW he is sincere ?
And how will we know he is genuine and sincere ????
When we know ourselves well enough and love ourselves well enough to know what we deserve. CONSISTENTLY. EVERYDAY. EARNING OUR TRUST. TRUSTING OURSELVES TO BELIEVE THAT IT IS RESPECT AND CONSTANT SELF-EVERYTHING…
WE have to be in a really good place with ourselves before we are being held by another…because we dont want to be leaning on or reaching for another to pick us up — we have to be put together first…from head to to toe == with another looking in, heading in the same direction as we are when we are ready!!
Meg – Thats it – self loathing? depressed? jobless? those are things that keep us in this frickin fog – those are things we associate with our X – those are things we can change – we can not change our X’s – we can change us – hey listen too me – looking at my own fucked up self aint been a parade but I had too – at a snails pace I am being reborn
I dont know whats worse, my typos or my sense of humor at this hour!! Time to sign off…out of town tomorrow…wishing everyone a beautiful start to a peaceful and stressfree Saturday!
Remember as one of our bloggers said …. What cant I do?
Theres nothing we cant do…we just have to choose wisely …and let ourselves know we plan on accomplishing it!!!
Whats on your list to become totally Socio-free and work toward having a New Life??
Witsend,Just getting to catch up tonite- Im so happy you are finding answers! This sounds very promising. I know its a long journey, but empowering to you to know you are doing SOMETHING, even tho the system has jerked you around, youve found options.
Just prepare yourself as I warned before for your sons rejection and possible verbal lashing out at you. THats what my son was notorious for. Get into your strong warrior mode and fight for ‘peace in your valley”!!
Good news- my son and I have had a great week, he is showing many positive traits-responsible, respectful, and calm at this moment. I am thankful for these times, as I never take them for granted. The tables could turn at anytime. I believe the MAIN reason for his docile behavior is that he needs something ffrom me, he has court costs coming in from DUI and must have money to pay.I am allowing him to work some with me, and have gotten him part time work with a friend of mine.SO its to his benefit to play nice.
My best lessons in all that I have been thru with him already is that (as with all S) firm boundaries without cutting any slack is MANDATORY. I have made a believer out of him that he can be kicked out of this temporary home if good behaviors arent met. Also, that I wont bail him out monetarily or otherwise. any more.
Witsend, please keep us informed. Pamper yourself whenever you can, ITs GREAT to have distractions to take your mind off of your troubles.IT does a world of good. trY NOT to allow this to consume you, I know it almost can become your 24/7 focus, but save time for joy and the little pleasures in life. xoxox
Hello Everyone 🙂
I am SOOOO thankful for LF and am happy that I found ALL of you. During the lonely times, during the crying times, during the self-loathing times YOU have all helped me tremendously to get back on track. YOU are my drug and I am addicted to you 🙂
Good Grief said,
“The only thing is with me wanting another hit of the drug is that she just went permanent NC for no reason at all.”
Sorry, GG, but there was a reason – she was finished using you. Trust me, I know that acknowledging that fact is HURTFUL but, still the same, it is a fact.
About sending that letter, many here have given you their opinion of just what might transpire. I think, that IF she takes the time to even read it, she will just laugh. She might show it to some and make it a part of her smear campaign against you. She will tell others (and how will they know anything different) that she DID tell you that it was over and you just can’t “get over her”. She will be wanting to save face–remember, it’s all about her! Again, it’s hurtful, but she doesn’t care about you–sorry. I think if you send it, you WILL get your hopes up. I have been reading your posts and I think here at LF you have been making some steps forward. I’d hate to see you get disappointed and make ANY steps backward.
I read the posts daily and write into a little notebook that I keep beside me any thoughts from the other bloggers that ring especially true for me and my relationship with my “S”. I also make notations of the “little red flag” that came up–you know the ones that I SHOULD HAVE PAID ATTENTION TO, but denied!!! Sometimes, I have to stop and cry a little but I have to admit, those times are becoming less and less. Some of the words of wisdom found here at LF, I have even gone so far as to print them off and post them on my bulletin board so that I can see them all the time. They keep me focused until I become stronger. I had my “Aha” moment back in November after losing 7 years of my life with an “S”.
GG, your ex-S is really a coward. Maybe she is with someone else but not out of love but for the same reasons that she TARGETED you for.
learnthelesson said,
“…there is nobody who interests me, turns my head, or captures me like he did…”
AND, there might not be for a long, long time or possibly EVER!
It is sad in one sense as I have lots of love to share but HAPPILY, right now, I AM SHARING THAT LOVE WITH ME!!!
As for songs…
I play the Supremes, “You Keep Me Hanging On” everyday and I scream out with Diana Ross when she sings…
Why don’t you be a MAN about it
And set me free
Now, you don’t care a thing about me
You’re just using me
GO ON, GET OUT, GET OUTTA MY LIFE
And let me sleep at night
Cause you don’t really love me
You just keep me hangin’ on!
🙂 🙂 NO MORE YOU S.O.B.!!!!
Love you all! Keep posting!!
One More Thing Everyone…
In the fall, I plan on attending a spiritual seminar which will require me to fly to the U.S. from the country where I am teaching ESL. However, my “S” learned of my plans and called me. At first, he was somewhat taken aback and said, “So, she is making plans without me.” I am the “she” he was referring to!!! And then, his voice changed and with excitement he asked, “Could me make plans on meeting there then?” You see, he is in America already with his WIFE. Yes, that’s right!! The same woman he told me had had their marriage annulled!! Poor thing! Wonder if she knows about his wanting to meet me in the fall. I was disgusted!! Right now, I am playing his game. He doesn’t suspect that I AM ONTO HIM. The SH** is going to hit the fan real soon when I send his belongings which are still here in my apartment to his residence in the U.S. I KNOW where he is living with his wife! Then, I will go total NC
Two things:
1) What should I do at this religious seminar? There will be thousands of people there, but I know that he will be looking for me. Should I do the “potted plant” thing? He seems to be under the impression that I SHOULD MAKE ACCOMMODATIONS FOR THE TWO OF US!!!!! I am not attending this seminar to see him—I am going for a totally different reason.
2) After I post his belongings, should I send an anonymous e-mail to his wife and direct her to this web site? Long ago, he would have me believe that she was this wicked BIT** but now I know that he used me, is using her and probably has already met or is “sweet talking” his next target. I also know that while with me, he had at least 3 other women he was “manipulating”—too embarrassing to go into details here, but they were some of my red flags that I CHOSE to ignore. He is NEVER without one or two backup plans. OMG, just writing this is bringing on a rush of tears–NO, NO, NO! I FU***** HATE HIM!!! There really is a fine line between love and hate! I so wanted to love him!
Please help me???
F it…here is my letter. It is disgusting, it is weak on my part. It has bold, italics…I have put WAY too much effort into this letter, this person and to her I dont exist at all. IT is so troubling. I need to stop with this stupid letter and I’ll post it here so I don’t send it to her today, tomorrow, etc. IT is my htoughts, ALL OF THEM…it is my feelings, my heart and my soul. 3 things that she ripped away from me. I was very confident in myself and in my relationship before she went NC on me. I promise I didnt do anything wrong. She is the devil. Why would I want to chase the devil? My heart tells me to send it, my head is just confused. No one has to read it, I just want to get it off my email for a minute. LTL is so right, I dont know what Im tryng to accomplish. I dont know how I’d react to any of the 3 scenerios she laid out. the first one would make me sad. The sencond one although unlikely, would make me so happy but scared. The third option, the most likely, I dont know. I just dont know anymore what Im trying to accomplish, altho my heart wants her back. how can that be?
The underlying fact of the matter, as sad as it is, is that I want to talk to her. I understand that the very act of sending it makes me look vulnerable…but do I hide my vulnerability in my words. Do I mask it well enough in the actual content?
And the most important question to me, as twisted as this is…will this push her further away from contacting me again or is it possible that it might encourage it more, whenever it is that she does if she ever does? That is what I really want to know. Honestly, I think she will read it, when her stalker emailed her for the last time after we went to the police station and they called him up, she read it. and I was way more important to her than he was and did way more for her than her did and he made her mad and thats why she went NC on him and I didnt…She didn’t care, bt she read it but their situation was much different. Hadn’t seen each other in years. She knows that she promised me the things she did and she know I was counting n her to come through for me like I did for her. I need to get this off my chest. I apologize to those who have read similar versions…thanks you all so much for your kind words and for all of the encouragement. You have prevented me from being impulsive and pursuing her to a scary degree. I havent called her once, or texted and the temptation is always there. knowing she’ll ignore me, for whatever reason, helps that cause tho. Here it is, it is all of me. You all cant see the bold print and all, but I’m sure you can imagine what words I emphasized. This is a nightmare, sometimes I slip back into the fog and forget what she has done and all I see are good memories. That is the most difficult part. I feel like an idiot. You guys must just be rolling your eyes at the content, at the very fact that I would do this in the first place. I just wonder if the reverse pschology, the reminder of the good times, the masking how much she truly hurt me (if I did that IDK), and the challenging nature of the letter might encourage a response now or later, or if it would push her further away and I’d never hear from her again. I appreciate any feedback on that matter.
Sparky and willie are pets. her best friend roomate mikey moved all her stuff out of their house while the S was gone one weekend without saying any thing and moved in with her boyfriend. She always referenced mikey as the only girl to break her heart. I have even strategized how I’d send it with a text message. The text would say something like “hey F-cker, I sent you an email. its long but its the last one ill send so whatever. f-ck it, i gave you a year of my life in respect to hat is brief. maybe you’ll read it, maybe you won’t…I dont care”
Its disgusting how much effort I put into this…thats why I hope if I sent it I could focus on something else but I’m not sure. If anyone really takes the time to read this BS, your feedback on my questions would be appreciated. I dont want to push her any frther away, if thats possible. fight or flight theory. just wonder if she can identify with what im saying cuz it calls her out for who.what she really is. thanks all
—————————————-
I don’t miss you at all, but I miss my girl from out west everyday. It’s just too bad that you’re not her anymore. I assume with this letter that I’m talking to the real you and that she never existed. You would think (or I would), after having a 2nd chance at life, after having someone dump you because you were disabled, and having people who you wanted to be there for you throughout your life let you down, you would hang on tight to the one person who welcomed you into his life with open arms despite everything, changed his whole plan in order to be with you and who had your back in every possible way, and that’s the one person who you let down. That you’d learn to value life and a good person that loved you for you to share it with. Like Jim Morrison says, “people are strange.” I know you don’t care and I can’t make you feel something you are incapable of feeling. I should have sat you down out west and asked you what you wanted to do. I was wrong to assume that you wanted to move here so quickly, but you were on meds when I got this place and I guess it was wishful thinking on my part to think you wanted to come here so soon, but deep down I knew what it meant to you to go home and I regret not acting on what I knew instead of holding out for what I hoped for. Perhaps this could have been avoided.
What if when you awoke from your surgery I was gone, instead I was right there when you woke up and I drove you home with my hands at 10 and 2 and avoided every bump in the road because I knew I had precious cargo. I took incredible care of you. I was in the room for your keloid removal. What if you woke up and I was gone with no note the day we were to pack the house and you never heard from me again? What if I couldn’t be bothered to go to the police station to deal with the whole stallker thing? What if when you were counting on me to move back west I disappeared? Wouldn’t of, didn’t happen. It’s called reliability and loyalty, 2 things you should read up on. This is essentially what you did to me on a much larger scale and you seemingly had fun doing it. You told me once that if I ever tried to leave you you’d fly to wherever I was and tell me I was wrong…yeah right.
I guess all you viewed me as was a nurse, half the rent/bills and a moving company. You didn’t consider me your lover, you didn’t even consider me your friend. There is no way you could treat me so bad if you did and I certainly gave enough to deserve it but it wasn’t enough for you, I guess it never would have been. Take what your friend Mikey did to you and multiply it by a million and that is how betrayed I feel. Whenever you counted on me I was there, and you know I was counting on you. You know that. You promised so many things and I believed in you.
Sure, I’d get it if we went out on a few dates and you stopped calling…but we were together for a year, we lived together, we have so much in common, we were best buds, and we were side by side through everything, good and bad. I mean, what am I missing here? Sounds like an awesome couple to me! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GET SHADY? Why couldn’t you just remain the girl I knew? Just in case you forgot, you were supposed to move here and we were supposed to get married down the line and start a family together and blah blah blah and then you vanished and started treating me like your stalker. Big difference between him and I, or so I thought. I had a lot more invested in you and there’s a huge difference in his reaction and mine, but nah, you don’t appreciate that. You don’t appreciate anything. If you did, you would have never treated me like you did, even if you didn’t want to be with me, which I still don’t know why you wouldn’t, but hey. I’d think you’d remember how great we were, how much fun we had (daily) and how promising our future was and I wonder how you don’t value that. I always thought you were a smart girl and that you had a good heart. We used to say I love you numerous times every single day.
I bet this is a pattern for you and you’ve been down this road before. But this is me going out on a limb to try to save you from yourself, to not let you fuck up a great thing. To not let you break down a solid foundation. It’s like you thrive more on chaos then on normalcy and stability. Perhaps it’s a product of your upbringing and that’s all you know, perhaps your afraid to give too much of yourself for fear of getting hurt. I don’t know what it is but I knew you were capable of something like this because of stories you’ve told me about your past and I stayed anyway and I don’t regret it. I just thought I was different, I thought if I showed you enough love, comfort and compassion I could penetrate your wall and break your pattern and maybe that’s why you left, or whatever it is that you did…
I must be OUT OF MY MIND to even consider this, but if you have any interest in pulling the knife out of my back then I’m offering you the chance to do it because what you did was, ya know…a tad fucked up. Against my better judgement, I’m giving you the opportunity to prove to me that you are not a cold-hearted asshole, that you didn’t do this for your own enjoyment, that you do have a heart, a conscience and the ability to show a mild appreciation for the aforementioned things, that you weren’t just using me and that you do recognize the value of me and of what we had…I’m a loyal, caring, and loving person and maybe those traits made me a target for you, someone to take care of you and look out for you when you needed it and when you no longer needed me, you were done and didn’t even have the human decency to notify me. I would love for you to prove me wrong although I don’t expect it. If my girlfriend who loves me so much she wants to marry me stops talking to me out of the clear blue sky and can’t explain why or even apologize, then I’m sure your plenty capable of a simple non-response. It’s the easy way out. You can talk the talk, I’m giving you a chance to walk the walk. It wouldn’t take much to fix what you broke.
I hope you can appreciate what I’m trying to do here and the balls it takes to offer you something you don’t deserve, enough to respond, although I doubt you will because for some reason you don’t even want to know me. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t want me in your life unless it’s true that my usefulness was up, as shitty as that is. I doubt I ever cross your mind. All the memories that I still view as meaningful, you must view as meaningless. Bells, snowboarding (when I told you how proud of you I was (as I always did) when everyone else gave you shit for it), ghosthunters, murphy’s, the aquarium on your 2nd b-day, the comedy show, gun lake and the day you showed me around Michigan, whitey’s in ohio, pumpkin picking, hanging with each others families, traveling cross-country, the football game, slick rick humping mao, xmas, smores, the funny farm, putting the couches together to sleep together when you were finally well enough…the list is endless and I don’t care to me they’re valueable. To you?? What are the bad memories? There aren’t any.
It just sucks that even as someone who supposedly cared about me, you seemingly enjoyed making me suffer with no remorse because you know I have no idea why something loaded with relationship talent got completely shit on, by you of course. That’s the only thing that haunts me, it’s not what happened, it’s why it happened. But that confusion probably makes you feel good inside. It’s like you took pleasure in causing pain to someone who truly loved you and cared for you deeply. Laugh it up, it’s funny. I thought we were the shit, I guess you just thought we were shit. Stupid me. I seriously would have done anything to keep us together and I proved that. There was awhile there where I felt like a line out of your favorite song “since you’ve been gone my world is dark and gray,” but now I’ve come to understand that I won’t understand and it’s gotten me to a good place. Good enough to write this to you. I don’t covet an explanation, I don’t care. But I do covet something that was beyond special. You showed me your dark side and I’m not scared.
If you are getting some twisted thrill out of all this, then I guess I just gave you more fuel for the fire…enjoy! If this is like a report card for you on how to fuck with someone in a life-altering way and you think that you got all A’s, then your wrong. I am much stronger than that and instead of thinking you won, frankly you lost, something real special. I have put in enough work to try and get you to realize what you’ve done, what you’ve lost. This is the end of the road for me, it’s all up to you now. And to top it off, you never even said goodbye. Yeah it took me a little time to write this but fuck it, I gave you a year of my life, in respect to that this is brief…I’m no longer mad at you. I have found my serenity.
I miss Sparky so much and I hope Willie is doing OK.
Love,
——-
P.S. You know I’m not religious but this has always been one of my faves…”God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This is me showing the courage, and if it’s not enough for you, then it will become me showing the wisdom.
I’m obviously completely lost within myself. Despite the few red flags, despite the fact it wasnt real it was real to me…it was the best year of my life. i never gave more of myself or my heart to another person and she still has so much of it. I am sick over this. so many good times, we always got along, how can she not remember? value it? me? I judt dont understand. I thought she was a normal good girl right up until the day she went NC on me. I dont understand. I want to get throuh to her, can this letter penetrate the wall. I miss her dearly. it sucks…2 bad days in a row
I never thought she was evil until she went NC…no signs of this happening, no arguement, nothing, nothing, nothing at all…no reason at all