The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
in the letter I dont tell her I still love her, I dont tell her she destroyed me, could that help in intiating a response? ugh
its hard to move on when you dont even know why you have to, and especially since I dont want to, never wanted to, never wanted this to happen, I never didnt want to be with her altho I threatened it twice and she begger me to stay. once she even grabbed me by my balls and told me I wasnt going anywhere. she is a real hard ass, real fiesty…and in reference to the picture I mentioned awhile ago with her giving me the finger, ive got tons of them. she always told it like it was and that was why I didnt understand why she told me nothing
I dont know if I should mention how mch it would mean to me to hear from her or if I shoudl act like I dont care…
sorry to type so much but I have a lot of questions and curiosities. I am real curious by nature and she know that…I fear she is afraid to call cuz ill ask so many questions and she wont have any good answers and ill pick her apart.
Good Morning Good Grief,
I have 30 minutes to get out the door…but your posts connect with me in that I have actually been where you are right now. I have had the sheer will and determination which was equally balanced with sheer denial and desperation. There is nothing you could say WRONG or do WRONG. It simply boils down to choices and what you want to accomplish.
There is no reason (other than major obsessing and overload) but there is no reason you cant take a minute to try to figure out what you want to accomplish, and be honest with yourself about that.
You illude to one of the things you DONT want to accomplish is to do anything to “push her further away”…so is it that you want the opposite of that you want her to come back to you? Because no amount of words, phone calls, visits can make a person (healthy or unhealthy) do something they dont want to do.
And speaking of, even if she were healthy and non-toxic and she sat you down and said this isnt working for me….you care and love so much and want it to so much — that you sill would be writing her a letter…
You mention reverse psychology…like trick her into remembering the past good times, and the times she hurt you will snap her out of it or make her realize everything…Good grief…she is use to this behavior from her exs…she knows the drill….that you are left grieving and she is just wanting you to get on with your life so she can get on with hers.
Trust me, if that girl, that Independent, big hearted, girl that you say shes…if that girl wanted to write you, or contact you, SHE WILL. Your letter will have little impact on HER…its for you to get things off your chest…
Did you ever date someone you – that you outgrew -or realized you werent so totally into the way you thought – or were you ever with someone to help you get over someone else?? Well she is with people to help her survive, to get through her issues, and when she meets someone else or gets bored she just moves on. As unbelievable as it seems to you — there are people who arent like you, who dont care so deeply, who operate secretively and selfishly.
Someone said to me…so tell me when did you really learn about life? I said I still am, but I really learned and had a rude awakening about people in life when I got involved with that particular guy.
So anyway, right now you are processing very little words about self help and all the advice about the letter.. I understand that, I really do. you want to know if she will read the letter, if its to long, etc…
We are not her. So we cannot tell you exactly what she will do. Like you, and like us, SHE HAS CHOICES with what she wants to do. She is her own person. You HAVE CHOICES too.
Whatever you do, I will support your decision as long as you dont do anything that puts yourself in real harms way. If you find yourself really struggling, and this is affecting you daily life and relationships with others, you may want to try to talk to a therapist who has so much experience with helping us get through a toxic relationship.
You said you didnt do anything wrong in the relationship before going NC. You are right about that.
But at this point — you may be able to look back and say I didnt think about all my choices and I didnt think about the REALITY of how I am slowly losing control of my self-respect, self-worth, self-trust. This is quickly becoming about me – and you may benefit from slowing down and realizing your life your future your wellbeing doesnt and shouldnt rest in the hands of anothers actions or response/non-response.
You have to do whats right for you. You said she ripped away your feelings your heart your soul….but like me, right now, you are potentially giving away, sacrificing your spirit your light your energy for another (who was a total stranger to you less than 14 months ago).
I sent my letter. It was for me. It did nothing but lead me on a path of futher destruction and heartache…the second third time around is even worse than this. When you face the reality that she is doing what she chooses – she is already answering your questions with her actions — she is already showing you how much she cares (vs what her words were)…she is unhealthy for you and you are making yourself unhealthy with your choices….
But so did I…for a very long time…I was hoping to reach you in a way…as you are hoping to reach her in a way….but just as I cant …you cant with her. WE are all our own people. HAve to do things our way unless we are able to open ourselves up in the moment to the reality of things in front of us.
Those three scenarios I provided for you — and you said I have no idea what I would do??? Well thats an answer that gets you to not think about the reality…because the reality is those are the possible scenarios up to and including not sending the letter. ITs up to you what you want to do.
I will end with I am very proud of you for not being impulsive and making irrational decisions. Im concerned your reasons for being that way are simply out of your own personal desire to try to control the outcome or minimize the chances of the things you fear happening with her…ie no response, pushing further away. When you reasons for not being impulsive and making irrational decisions should be because you want to protect yourself, help yourself through this, and be able to live with the reality of it – as it is – today – in this moment – for you – in your life. Your relationship with her has ended. Not the way you would have chosen to do it — but the way it is. You have no control over her. Only yourself. Choose what is best for you that projects you forward into a better place — not backward into confusion and her web of lies, questionable faithfulness and obvious selfishness. GL!!!
GG:
Dude! There’s so much i’d like to say about that letter but I won’t ramble on about everything. First off you say you don’t want to push her any further away? We can’t push them they leave when they want. You can’t attract them back with sugar or shit, They’ll come back when they want something.
You call it a nightmare. Look at my name! Can’t spend a day or forever pineing away at what was, just gotta let it go. Your young Be strong be happy in life.
In my opinion that letter just shows her she’s got you wrapped up in HER. I’d bet the farm if they could find her she’d have 100 stalkers. You don’t want to be known as 1 to her or anyone she might be telling that you are.
Not trying to be harsh but like in another blog here You have to wake up. It will get old to you one day and she may come knockin. Will be your turn to have the great feeling of slamming that door in her face. High five bro!
GG:
I’m sorry for your pain. I agree with Ntmare that she would most likely use your letter to call you a stalker, and I hate to see you give her that opportunity, you do not need any more pain right now. NC for me has truly helped heal.
Dear Good grief,
For what it is worth, the letters I wrote and tore up would probably represent in paper an ENTIRE FOREST.. I poured out my heart and soul, trying to reach my P son (the one in prison) and my egg donor, and you know what, all of those letters I sent came back and BIT ME IN THE BUTT. I was giving them ammunition to use against me and guess what? They did!
The writing of the letters though, was therapy for ME…and the hundreds I wrote after that that I NEVER MAILED. I would even “talk” to them outloud as I drove alone in my car. I screamed I cried I tried to get across to them how they were hurtin gme.
THEY CAN NOT GET IT. They do onot love us but they can FAKE IT. For some reason she used your care and love to take care of her when she NEEDED YOU. She only pretended to love you. When she no longer needed you, she discarded you the same way she does any other item she has used…like toilet paper. IT HURTS. Because we think they love us, but they don’t. Good Grief, my own mother discarded me. My P-son discarded me and convinced one other son to distance himself from me….they actually tried to kill me.
These people are TOXIC, EVIL and users. We are objects to them only good fo rwhat we can do for them or what they can steal…our hearts, our money, our time. Take comfort, this pain will NOT last forever though righ tnow it seems it will. (((hugs)))))
oxxy or anyone else here . i am going through a tough time at the moment. no one seems to be comenting on my posts lately. maybe a technical prob but i dont think so. any way i posted on the other article called, what works when dealing with a sociopath. on the 6th may. if anyone would care to go back and read it . just feeling like i need some support thats why i come here. if anyone reads that post they will see what i mean. i just sort of feel like i am sinking and not doing so well in life at this moment. my parents are also a support to me as well as coming here. but right now my s path brother is there whenever i visit them. i feel surrounded by s paths sometimes. when ones in your family its a different feeling all to gether its like i cant feel this angry at him for the way he is hes my brother. but the more i am seeing the more i am sure he is a spath. just feeling like lifes aa struggle at the moment. it would be nice to wake up one day and not feel like that. just wish things were easier and something nice would happen for a change.sorry for sounding negitive. maybe i will feel beter to morro. would love to hear from any one really. thanks
a to all that read my pointlesness and for your thoughtful responses. As far as her labeling me a stalker I don’t think she would but who knows…that guy crossed a million more lines than me and they weren’t even together. Plus she knows all I Did for her and she knows what she did to me and in respect to his reaction and mine I handled ur in a far more mature adult manner. This guy called like crazy, texted none stop and even drove across country to confront her. It went on for years…I sent her a few measly emails…I’m so proud of myself for not stooping to his level and like I said I had WAY more invested in her than him. Not sure but she has to appreciate that. It will take everything I have to not send it and move on. I doubt she would show other people cuz it mentions how she stopped talking to me for no reason and I doubt that’s something she’d want people to know, but who knows what she is capable of. But it says all I did, it says all the good times, and it says she went NC for no reason so I doubt she is proud of that but maybe…I’m trying to start moving on even though I don’t want to which makes it tough. These thoughts don’t go away. What’s worse is I want her back cuz I never wanted her to leave and if she never went NC on me I wouldn’t have ended up here and I’d still be very happy
Good morning Jules – I have many P’s in my imediate family. I was abused neglected and used to fulfill their twisted needs and spent my life trying to please them and gain their love. My sister tried even harder, until she took her life at 48. I remember the funeral, my mom, dad and brother were enjoying all the attention they were getting from all the well wishers, I was the only one that shed tears at her funeral, because I knew why she took her life – I was victimized by the same people, I wanted everyone to know but i was so full of shame and I still felt like me and my sis had done something to deserve this. You can go no contact with your brother. Trying to get someone to believe you only makes you look crazy and once again they win, they always win, in their worlds anyway. I now make my own world and exclude them from my life – there is no victory to be had, no sense of being validated, just get away from them and stay away.Sorry you dont feel like anyone is listening but I am.