The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Jules,
Sorry you have having a down time. The truth is, sweetie, my family is more S-paths than normal…so I can relate. I used to think that just because we were blood I had to “pretend” that what they were doing to me was NOT out of malice, but you know what, I have found that JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS BLOOD KIN…no matter what the relationship, sib, parent, or child, etc…..IT DOES NOT GIVE THEM THE RIGHT TO HURT ME. My egg donor favors my P-son and minimizes or discounts everything he does….and supports him. She is in DENIAL and she is an ENABLER. She doesn’t care what he did, or that he tried to kill me, she wants me to PRETEND it never happened. BULL CRAP! I don’t need any9one in my life that is trying to hurt me, in a big way or a small way, no matter if I gave birth to them, or they gave birth to me.
My other sons and I told her, warned her, that if she kept sending money to my P-son in prison which would give him ammunition to hurt us, that we would go NC with her. She did it and lied, and we caught her, so now she admits she is doing it and TRIVALIZES our fears, our REAL FEARS that he will try again to kill us or have us killed. She CHOSE him over us. That is HER DECISION. We made OUR decision to not ahve anything to do with HER. Since I am her only child and my children are her only grandkids, it is us against “them”
Even though we are NC forever, she still believes that sooner or later we will give in and come back into the “family.” We will NOT do so. She isn’t going to change, she is 80 now, so she is alone for the rest of her life except for letters to and from her murdering convict grandson, but she prefers that to real life affection. Her choice.
Hang in there, and realize what your brother is and that JUST BECAUSE HE IS YOUR BROTHER doesn’t make him any less dangerous or any less toxic. I am sorry your parents seem to be “caught in the middle” and can’t come to grips with waht he is. .Many parents and sibs don’t seem to be able to, but in order to live well and in peace, it is the ONLY option. Otherwise we stay in the drama and the pain. ((((hugs)))) and prayers, Love Oxy
I never used words like evil, cold and deceitful when I was with her, only after she went NC and I have no verbal memories of that to reflect on. Like I said last phone call was I love u I miss u I’ll call u tomorrow. Last email I miss u you must be skinny happy bday to my dog and I’ll call as soon as she can. Even signed it love (her name)…
and what if she came back?
Very mixed emotions but I think that’s what I want right now anyway otherwise I doubt I’d be considering sending it…is it obvious in the letter I want her back? I won’t lie and say I wouldn’t strongly consider her in my life cuz that’s what I wanted in the first place
I understand, I was were you are, I took my X back five times, I just wanted the pain to stop and it did for a few days each time. But it was like a drug, I could never find that person I fell in love with and the whole senario became uglier and more painful. I read a book that helped me alot when I was in the pain you are in – Meaning from Madness by Richard Skerritt – I think it helped more than anything I have read – take care of yourself GG
Ntmare…if u would so kind, and you’ve been more than kind already, please do ramble all u want about that letter…I’d greatly appreciate ur feedback
Henry said:
“Steve Becker you hit the nail on the sociopath head again. Example: He is 6 hours late coming home – so yes I am pissed again and know it will not do one bit of good to talk to him or ask himwhy? where? what? who? so I just go silent and then he get’s pissed and sleeps on the couch and before to long I am getting the silence treatment from him and asking him to forgive me for it so he will at least come to bed. What a nasty vicous cycle it was. In the end no contact is the how we find our sanity again. No contact means for ever and ever amen”
I am ashamed to say I got into similar types of situations with my ex. Not the recent sociopath, but the emotionally unavailable one I lived with for 3 years. He was so neglectful of me that I would sit at home and cry. I’d play my guitar and sing sad songs in front of him or write letters to him that he would ignore. I still felt deep down he must love me (ha ha). One day I was so upset and nothing else worked. So I went into a cold rage and ignored him for a day or two. This really infuriated him, but not enough to actually have a conversation with me about what was wrong. He would just disappear. It was a vicious cycle like in henry’s case.
I wonder how this works with internet people? I have a few people on my site that I just ignore. They even have an “ignore” list for these people. One that had been particularly nasty to me messaged me and said he hoped we could be friends. I just deleted the message. Does this make me a narcissist or sociopath? I don’t feel we should have to be kind or friendly with everyone, and sometimes there are good reasons not to.
First of all, witsend, I’m soooo happy for you! I’m curious to hear how it goes.
Second, Erin Brokovich: If you happen to have 100k, might be worth paying him off to get him out of your lives. I’d consider it a bargain. I think he really did show his colors there. If you wait long enough, they usually do at some point.
Good Grief,
The ‘discard’ by the sociopath is something that is incomprehensible. I couldn’t believe it when it happened to me. One night we made love, and he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, talking marriage, etc. The next day, he disappeared without a call or returning my calls. I saw him posting on our mutual website as if nothing was wrong. He had stood me up for a date with him and his young daughter, whom I was supposed to meet for the first time. He ignored me for 2 days. Then he sent me an email saying he had no excuse, but he’d always love me though. Two weeks later, he appeared at a public event where he knew I’d be and followed me around very closely, with his daughter in tow. It was creepy. My heart was leaping through my throat at seeing him. Thanks to my support system, I never showed it. I never even acknowledged him. I went home and cried my eyes out but never contacted him again except to turn him into the army for adultery, and give a sworn statement in his fraud case. I found out after the fact that he was a fraud. I had only dated him a total of 2-1/2 months, but I had been hooked since the third week.
I did not really know what a sociopath was until that happened. Someone I told the story to explained to me what he was. Sadly, she had been through the same thing with her ex. It’s really unbelievable. I, too, still longed for him for weeks, and even months after the discard (I turned around and went NC after that). Time does make it better. The things you are writing could have come from my fingers last year, too. And I hardly think about him any more. Hang in there.
GG,
Regarding the letter, I wrote so many letters to my ex that I never sent. The desire will subside after a while. I did manage to have a final email asking him never to contact me again. It felt good to take a stand with him. He immediately blocked my emails after that, so that when I sent him the angry, scathing email telling him I know what he is, it bounced back to me. I am always grateful for that, because he really never deserved to know my feelings.
The less you give of yourself to her, the better you will feel in the long run. It’s good to write your feelings down as much as you need to. But IMO, it’s counterproductive to send those letters unless you are setting a limit and asking them never to contact you again. She will not hear them and she will not care. She could also use it to further try and manipulate you.
I’m so sorry for what she has put you through.
Jules,
I’m really sorry you are having a tough day. I had so many last year, sometimes I want to whoop for joy for no reason these days– because I have blinding moments of NO PAIN and I am aware of it and it feels so good! I wish you days like that up around the corner, and they will be there sometimes…hang in….
Henry,
Thats a sad story about your sister, I bet you really miss her, one who could empathise with the craziness. I know exactly what you mean about the shame– even though the P was arrested, and charged, I still feel like I did something wrong, and that people think I am a liar, because the story of what he did is so crazy, it makes me sound crazy, so I tell NOONE. Other people who know him think I must have made it up or had a psychotic moment, because he is so nice and sweet to them all—luckily the evidence was good and strong. But the shame is still there.