The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Good Grief,
Your letter needs to be READ ALOUD to YOU by someone else. Maybe your sister will do that for you?
It jumps from you pointing out to her what you did for her that was undeserved, to telling her that even though she doesn’t deserve it you would be more than wiling to be there for her again.
The POINT here is that you are saying with your OWN WORDS that she doesn’t deserve you.
AND YOU ARE RIGHT!!!!!!! Listen to what YOU are saying in that letter…..It’s in there. But what also is in there is how VULNERABLE you are making yourself to her again!
This x stalker guy from her past was likely DRIVEN to this behavior (NOT an excuse but a possible reason) Just as she has DRIVEN you to obsess over her. Don’t assume he is the freak, ASSUME she is, because she has given you reason to believe so by her treatment of you.
PAST BEHAVIOR IS OFTEN A GOOD REPRESENTATION OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR.
If I met “mr wonderful” today and found out in a short period of time that everyone of his x’s hated him, I would take that as a RED FLAG. And a big one.
She told you what she wanted about him and you don’t know the rest. She could have told her family some REAL stories about you as well…..Believe that because that is what these people do.
Your defense of her and your thinking up “reasons” why she might be treating you this way or minimizing her behavior says that your not done with this girl.
When you start looking at the “facts” that have presented themselves to you, that is when you, can move on and make a healthy decision.
It doesn’t REALLY matter if she is a s/p/n or just a toxic person. What matters is that she CHOSE to “take” from you and then she CHOSE to cut you off. That is what she has done and you can’t dispute that. It is what it is.
People here are just trying to save you more heartache. But if you do choose to go back for more no one can really make that decison for you. Some people have to hit rock bottom.
When you hit rock bottom though, it is even harder to recover from it…..Usually by then your self worth is totally destroyed.
I hope that you have your letter read to you and can see what it really says. HEAR the words that you have written.
And make the right desicion.
i am so relieved to see that i am not alone and someone out there understands. i have been off and on with my ex husband for 13 years and my bottom was so low i fear i will never recover. i haven’t seen him since january but i get texts like “—- is dead” “— is in prison and it’s your fault”. so i am scared. he is not gone only planning his next move and i don’t know what to do?
at first he was so amazing i can’t even describe it. he is the only man that i felt without doubt loved me. god, how sick am i?
he conned me like a champ. i paid for everything always and he took as though i owed him.
the silent treatment was a way of life. at first it was an excuse for leaving, relapsing, and while gone for days i thought it was because of the drugs. he uses “dug addiction as his excuse for everything. it is his secret sleazy life that he retreats to then promises to be sober…..he had me convinced that he was not a “player” and we were soul mates.
he comes from a wealthy family and will inherit money one day, looks harmless, charming, educated, etc. seriously conservative yet a complete racist and hasn’t paid taxes as long as i have known him. he convinced me. “don’t worry honey you know i love you. you get the front nine and i’ll get the back 9.” (yea right)
his silent treatment was to say i’ll be right back then disappear for days, weeks, months, and not even pick up the phone or bother to text and then when i get upset blame the whole thing on me because i raised my voice or had “a tone” with him. then he would say “please i would never do that to you. i was angry but i will always answer your calls. your my favorite.” (now i know what that means) then he would do it again and again and i tried leaving and did for 5 years but he always called and eventually i went back to him.
it got so bad that i was literally on the floor begging him, by text, crying uncontrollably, and not 1 word. i just couldn’t make sense of it. he said he loved me, he was just intimate with me , and then gone. i got so sick that i started offering money begging on my knees anything to make him stop. please don’t pretend to love me, get me in bed, then leave as though i were nothing. he insisted i was crazy and got more and more cruel.
he always wanted to make weird “deals” and i had to be held accountable for like paying the bills etc. and yet i couldn’t get the simplest common courtesy.
when i asked him to leave i was cut off for months, then conned out of money, played and played again. i am punished harshly for reacting to his evil behaviors. whatever he does, like totally lie about women, steal, ignore me etc. its “oh please i was just kidding”. but if i have a “tone” it is war. he was so cruel when i asked him to leave i had to go to treatment for love addiction as i was so distraught and messed up.
i know i sound so crazy to allow all of this but i got so sick and he knew exactly how to bring me to me knees, get my family to turn their backs, and then comeback to rescue me, over and over.
june through august was hell. i was on my knees at least 2x each month.
in july he bragged about crimes like hit and run (done on purpose to someone who deserved it so he said with no remorse)and murder and no one believes me. he lets out bits and pieces not enough for me to prove but i know the crime part is real. the year or people involved could be lies but i know he is dangerous but i cannot get anyone to take me seriously.
i don’t want to go on and on but he has taken every weakness or vulnerability and exploited them and me to the point that i am so scared but humiliated and confused that i don’t know what to do? i run my own business, raised a healthy child, had a home (had to sell as no more $ and afraid, and yet i let this guy take it all. he mentally, physically, sexually, financially, abused me and while he is gone for now i know he will be back.
people know he is a bad boyfriend but they don’t get the danger part. he tells people that i am doing things that are not true but rather are the things he is doing like drugs, prostitutes, having people arrested, crazy stalker (I’m not) but nonetheless i am alone and scared to death. people are disappearing and 1 even dyed 3 days after he admitted to me that my ex was bisexual.
he actually was bragging to people, just heard, that i am his biggest mark and he was going to ride me till the wheels fall off and i was his “old hag money bags”. the FBI even called me about him in december. yet, my family thinks i need to just ignore him.
my car key was stolen a few weeks ago, my jewelry drawer broken into and i know he was getting into my home. i have since moved but i think he is driving my car at night. i started noting the milage and i only drove 36 miles the last 2 days and the car says 81.
he is on probation could that help me? i have tried it all. calling the police, they just take a report of what’s stolen, changed my number 3x, went out of town months at a time, just moved, i am scared to file a restraining order without an attorney as i fear it may trigger him to kill me and i am alone. believe it or not my father is very wealthy but he won’t help me. just today i got a referral for an attorney and a PI, and now that my home is sold i have some money in the bank. (scary as he probably knows that too), so i am calling an attorney monday.
there is so much more but thanks for reading and sorry so long. you have changed my whole out look and i am so grateful to have found this website. i thank you for sharing your stories.
any advice is welcome. thanks and i am sorry anyone has to go through this hell but i am relieved that someone out there understands. and you are not alone i am here and i understand and believe you.
Awakening:
My home was broken into several times by the crazy guy, too. Luckily I had enough evidence and he was eventually arrested and charged. Unfortunately, using the law just seems to make some of them very angry and wanting revenge. As I have read here again and again, there is no winning. Avoid contact, and move on. Getting an attorney is a good idea. Good Luck and get a good alarm system. (I did)
Awakening, welcome to the club. We have no dues here because the members have already paid their dues. When he disappeared and then blamed you for getting upset, it is called “gaslighting”. It is a common communication technique of sociopaths, and it is designed to make you crazy and mistrustful of your own perceptions. Sociopaths do not take any responsibility for anything. The drug addiction is a byproduct, as well. It is very common for sociopaths to have a drug or alcohol problems because they are extremely empty inside and are painfully bored all the time.
If I were in your situation, I would get the restraining order and enlist the help from friends/neighbors/domestic violence support groups who can help you watch out for his break-ins and thievery. Do whatever you can to make your house thief-proof, even if you have to change the lock again. Can you install some sort of burglar alarm? I’ve never been a big fan of guns, but if you fear for your safety, you may consider getting one and learning how to use it, or at least some pepper spray.
You need to do whatever you can to get away from him and get him out of your life completely. After that, you can start dealing with the aftermath. Nothing good will come of having this guy in your life. He sounds like a classic sociopath.
thanks so much for responding. i did have an alarm installed but now i am renting and hoping i am imagining things and he doesn’t know where i am.
i did want to make him pay me back and expose all of his lies but i am so afraid and know he is too good and dangerous to mess with, thanks to you guys. all i want now is to be free and no longer his target.
he used to leave things like i found a fake gun and full black ski mask and electrical tape under my bed. he left crack pipes in places that i wouldn’t find them so the house keeper or my son would and then blame me. i think he is some how getting into my computer files as they are changing names. one used to be called ecare14 and now it says jdeadholly have a ball. j is me and holly is another of his many women. i tried to warn her but she called him and not me so i was punished.
thank you so much for understanding and for the advise. i cannot express my gratitude. 🙂
Awakening-no contact, no contact, no contact. If you think he is capable of murder, then I would NOT get a restraining order-it will just piss him off, and it could provoke him. Many women are killed because restraining orders provoke them. A restraining order won’t stop a dangerous man.
What I have learned is men lie. If you catch them in a lie one more time then once, go no contact immediately. Awakening based on my experience, your chance of getting involved with another disordered man is very high.
No contact means no phone calls. no texts. no answering the door when they come to your house unexpectedly. Any contact will continue the abuse.
I was in a relationship with a sociopath (didn’t know it at the time). We had a baby together, and I was abandoned at 6 months pregnant. The biggest indicator that he was a sociopath, is the look of pleasure on his face as he left me pregnant and crying.
Time has passed and I have started dating again. The first man I tried dating after the sociopath was schizoid. The real deal. That didn’t turn out well. The second man I tried dating after the sociopath is a sex addict narcissist!! I just dumped him on Thursday.
I was friends with the sex addict narcissist for two years (I didn’t know the sex addict part, I thought he was a good man), and have dated him for the last two months. One of my first realizations when dating him is that I was one of MANY of his female friends!! That whole two years I thought I was special haha. The final straw is he was going out to dinner with his “friend” while we were dating. He would go out to dinner with her and then come over to my house. We got into a huge two day fight about it. I said it looks like a date! He said that relationships HAVE to have trust. He said they were just friends and nothing was going to happen. He wasn’t interested in her that way and she wasn’t interested in him. blah blah blah. I asked him if he could switch it to breakfast or coffee instead of dinner He stood his ground, told me it was unrealistic to ask him to give up his friends, and he absolutely wouldn’t do it. I said ok, I’ll trust you. A week later he confessed that he slept with her 5 days after our argument on Saturday (I was with him on Friday and Sunday). He told me Tuesday. I was upset, especially considering our fight, and considering he was my friend and he knew I was still healing from the sociopath leaving me for a women when i was pregnant. He called me the next day after his confession and asked me to get together with him that night!!! I wrote back to him (text) and said “he lied to me about his relationship with the woman. Friendship is based on honesty and trust and we are therefore not friends anymore. Goodbye.” Since then he has called me everyday 5 times. He stopped by this morning and banged on the door while I sat on the kitchen floor hiding with the baby waiting him to leave.
This was a friend who was there for me during the sociopath. And he did the same thing to me that the sociopath did to me.
I never knew he was this way before we started dating the last two months.
The most shocking thing of this all is how easy it has been for me to date and attract disordered men. Even with all my education on the disordered, I still end up with them. Schizoids are only 1% of the population!! how did that happen!! And then the next guy is a narcissist sex addict?!
The good news is that I know what I need to do. I go no contact. In the meantime I have a stalker right now. He has called me 5 times today and stopped by uninvited.
I haven’t responded.
If I can’t tell that a man is disordered after being friends for 2 years, how can I ever trust my dating skills ever again!! The world seems to be filled with predators and lying men.
wow. the more i read the more shocked i am at how similar our stories are. the sex thing was amazing for me too at first and then he was so abusive. he always asked if other women could join in and he would purposely set me up by being sweet and getting me into bed and then right before he would make up some excuse and leave me there. or he would demand that i please him and watch porn and not even kiss me or look at me.
also i am concerned about my identity as he had social security forms sent here and was hanging with some guy that, is now in prison, but was a scam artist with credit cards and such. he brought him to my home one night, said he was picking up dinner and didn’t return for at least 4 hours. when i saw the guy come in i immediately asked them to leave and he held my phone, wallet, and keys over my head and refused to go. he was so cruel that i locked myself into my bathroom and they stayed for a while. they were up to something. that is the night i had a flight to catch the next morning, he stole my money, and i later saw disgusting things he wrote about me in my computer, and he tape recorded me yelling at them to get out. i was so distraught i missed the flight and was hospitalized for 3 days. i tried to explain and ask for help but all i got was a shrink and concern for my sanity. i know he is up to something and that guy is now in prison for over 3 years and naturally i am the blame. any ideas on making sure he didn’t get into my files and is somehow using my identity?
yep. i agree. i feel like i cannot ever have loving sex again and i know if there are 500 great men in a room and 1 predator, i will pick the predator. it is so sad and makes me so angry at god. i have no answers but i am grateful that i no longer cry over loving him and it is easy to not have contact. now i am only worried about my safety. no way he is gone that easy. the same time that guy died another one went MIA. he is calculating something and i am so fearful. sometimes i wish he would just come and do it already. i almost want to fight him and if i die, so be it, i am so messed up anyway, will never have a partner, and at least then my family will realize i wasn’t making it up. my “daddy” issues are probably why i seek abuse. it is always something wrong with me and i am so over it.
god, i feel your pain and i am so sorry. please avoid men for now and stay safe. trust me i totally understand and feel your pain and wish i had the power to change things for all of us.
just talking to you guys is so healing. thanks you from the bottom of my heart!!!!!!!!!!
Bird – find you a gay man friend – seriously!!!!!!!!
awakening,
I know you are afraid. I want you to focus on living your life fear free. I want you to understand the difference between anxiety and real fear. I want you to understand when you are in the presence of real danger. You should read “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin De Becker while you wait for you ex to show his face.
The reason I want you to feel the difference between what you are feeling now and what you will feel when you are really in the presence of danger (aka he is standing in front of you with a gun in his hand) is because it will save your life!
If you live in a constant state of fear, you will never understand when you really are in the presence of danger, because your body is in fight or flight all the time. Focus on calming down. Read the Gift of Fear. And, save your energy for when he comes. Don’t waste your energy on fear, when he isn’t around. Sounds hard, but it’s important for your safety.