The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Henry,
You think that would help?! At this point I am convinced I could get a gay man to leave me for another woman! Everyones doing it lol Although they always seem to want both (all) of us and they lie and scheme to set it up that way. I know the sex addict also had a long distance hook up who flew in on occassion (supposedly he stopped it while we were dating,,,.) What is going on in the world? Is this multiple partner thing normal now? geez
The sex addict was nuts too. None of his stories added up. He was a walking contradiction and he was making me feel crazy. I swear, there are no normal men in the world. All right Henry, I’ll try to find a gay man friend:)
Dear Awakening, A previous post was written about safety precautions,and Oxy said to carry cans of oven cleaner like easy off, because it contains lye which if sprayed in face of an attacker is very effective-even can cause blindness. Please consider keeping some in your car, and in your home. Since you are renting, you can buy alarms and other safety devices that you can take with you when you move, ones that an alarm will sound- anything to alert you of potential break in. I have a high powered tazer I carry with me & keep by my bedside at nite-IF you arent comfortable with a gun.
THis guy sounds diabolic and dangerous- freaky with the ski mask, gun, and electrical tape!!!!. Follow your gut and please dont underestimate him. Dont hesitate to call police ANY time you feel uneasy, I have found the police very willing to walk thru my home in times that I came home to something amiss, or felt uneasy or heard something while at home. I have an X N/P that has alot of same characteristics-even down to fact that he will inherit mega bucks when his parents who are in their 70’s die.
In my case, the main thing,maybe the only thing, that made my x stop the stalking, coming to my property, tried to destroy my car by putting sugar in gas tank, had shady people call &threaten me etc. was when i filed warrants against him. I was afraid to file charges,but afraid not to. The police encouraged me to continue making police reports, so I had lots of paper trails and I did the following which helped me to get a quilty conviction on 4 counts of domestic violence, and violating PFA orders.:
Save all text messages, you can show those to police and take a picture of the text showing his phone number attached, get all your phone records to prove he has called, print any emails etc.. IF he calls you with weird threats, of course N/C is best, but put him on speaker phone, and use hand held recorder to record everything he says for proof. All of this is harrassment and if you end up needing to file charges- you need as much proof as you can. Even make sure if a police report is written up, the officer puts DETAILED iinfo- stating that he saw the threatening email, text, etc. You do not have to sign warrants on police reports, this is your choice. I was advised by atty. to file every incident as it happened-even family members had to file, since they were being harassed. Not all resulted in warrants, but provided long paper trail.
I don’t know if you will have to go down this road, alot of S are not afraid of jail. Mine is somewhat afraid of jail. It is definately somewhat of a deterent. Id hate to think what he may have tried without me filing charges, as the scary harassment/property damage/theft/phone calls/etc. was consistent until the warrants starting piling on.
I cant say what is safer for you to do, I would be afraid to speculate- GUYS WHAT DO THE REST OF YALL THINK?maybe others with experience can offer their opinion, as this LF site is the authority on sociopathic behaviior.
I am just sick that you are frightened so. I was there myself not long ago. I wrote lists of where all of my bank accts, valuables, ins. policies, etc are and gave it to my parents in case I was killed. I made sure my business affairs were in order and began looking at in a matter of fact way that he COULD kill me. SOme nights, I sent my little girl to her dads (not the x n/P) to stay when I was really concerned.
HOW AWFUL, but that is exactly where I was. Then I prayed daily for favor and protection for my family and I went to every measure possible to feel safer, and although now I am still very CAUTIOUS and somewhat paranoid, things have gotten better. I think he has (hopefully)moved on to other N supply. I hope that yours will do the same and I pray for your safety as well as your emotional healing- takes a while, I am still in that process, on the journey… Peace
Bird – it does seem as if it’s all about sex these days, but look at the society we live in – TV shows like ‘desperate House wives’ that darned plumber has married or screwed every one on the culdesac – and the the show ‘Brothers and sisters’ – it’s a orgy fest~~!! and in the gay culture it seems to be all about – youth – sex – and money…I give up – really I do – I am just and old fart with old fashioned idea’s. But I do know that before I can meet someone of quality I have to lift myself up out of the gutter’s cause when I look for love under rocks I am going to always find slime…I have kissed too many frogs in my life – I dont want to even try at my age – friendships are the most rewarding relationships for me now…I always looked for love by having sex – of course I have my dysfunctional childhood to blame my relationship failures on – but give me a good friend – male or female and leave sex out of the picture – for me anyway –
Dear Bird, I have also been a complete pyscho magnet! Guy I had known as friends for about 3 yrs was sortof there for me too after the x N/P. This guy had moved out of state and needed a place to stay during holidays to see his children that live close to me. He turned out to be a nut as well. Taking advantage of my free place to stay,BIG TIME. Started really verbally crossing the line, with a huge sense of entitlement, and tried to take over my household. Besides all that, he was caught in lies, sneaky, even went into my bedside table, removing my prescription meds without my permission!
I have even had a girl friend that I’ve only known a short time who I know is disordered. I am desparately still trying to shake her. SHe tried to bring her “married date” to MY HOUSE to spend the nite with her! When I said I not only disapproved of the situation, NO WAY could some1 I didnt know stay here, she had nerve to argue it. She got scary angry when I basically stopped taking her calls and had nasty comments to say about it. Had a couple of other weirdos, so I am a recluse these days, no more selfish pyschos! Un real how they seem to crawl out of the wood work when you are single. I am just not that desparate for companionship. Actually I enjoy staying alone with the choices I have been meeting up with!!!!
Henry- I’m with ya! My feelings exactly..With sex- pleasure is just not worth the pain.. Sex also pulls you in closer and logic goes out the window, THen the person shows his real colors and you are like- Good GOD What wuz I thinkin? Erase, Erase.
The good news about getting closer to him is that I know how he treats women now. I don’t want a friend like that! But, yeah, I need to take a break from dating again. After the sociopath I took off 10 months from dating. Now that I was with a narcissist, I should take off another year-at least (maybe two).
Dear Bird,
First off I am glad you are back! Tell Baby Birdie that his Aunty Oxy prays for him!
Secondly I am glad you see that right now you are still vulnerable to the Ps. there is stil lsomething—like agoo dheart and a caring soul—that they can “smell” about you that makes them know that you might be a compliant victim.
My husband was a charming man and had many male and female friends, but when he went out to dinner with them, HE TOOK ME along…. if I had objected to his association with any one of these women he woul dhave dropped them like a hot potato because I WAS WHO HE WAS PRIMARY WITH, AND HE WOULD NEVER HAVE ASSOCIATED WITH ANYONE THAT GAVE ME PAIN OR DOUBTS.
Yes, the Ps can be “friends” and appear “good friends” for you until they are done setting you up, getting you to trust them and then BINGO! They start their unmasking!
Healing is a journey, Bird, a life long getting to know YOURSELF. You already know THEM and can spot most of teh red flags (thank goodness you did quickly) but the journey to healing now is about YOU. What was it about YOU tha tmade you attract them, let them stay around etc. You are making great progress and I am sooooooo proud of how you have survived and gotten through so much already.
You will eventually find the right man to love you, YOU DESERVE A GOOD MAN, but hang around here with us and learn more about YOURSELF. That is what I have been doing since you have been gone and it is making life so much better! You know I love you and birdie and I always pray for you both!!!! Welcome back my darlings!
Sabrina,
As part of my “house cleaning” I am getting rid of the “drama” queens in my life as well. Sopmetimes I confront them, and other timers I just “fade away” by being too busy for time with them. They eventually give up and look elsewhere for prey.
Some I dump quickly and confrontationally “for cause” and some I just “fade away” BEcause. LOL Also, this gives me so much more time to focus on the NICE PEOPLE in my life and I don’t have th continual stress of dealing with these people. My tolerance for BS is ever decreasing. when you get to the point you are away from the Ps and the smell of BS isn’t your entire olfactory universe, you get to where yo ucan start to smell the BS on these people even if it is just a faint perfume of BS. It becomes very unpleasant to even smell a littl eof it.
Ntmare…not sure if ur around and my post to u has gotten lost up the page but if u have a moment and the willingness to do so, I’d appreciate it if u did ramble on about my letter…thanks a ton.
Witsend…my sister is going to read it to me today so perhaps that’ll change my perspective a bit but I’m not sure cuz I’ve read it to myself a hundred times…
I an still in such a state of denial and greiving…my desire to talk to her seems to be increasing or at least remaing the same…I an having such a hard time facing reality and I am chasing a ghost. I wish I was in the shoes of others that their ex would come back or at least talk to me…I just wish there was some technique besides NC, some way of organizing words and effort to penetrate her wall…there has got to be something that works, reverse psychology, challenging words, loving words something but I feel the one thing that won’t work is telling her how hurt and devestated I am…even tho I’m not strong right now I need to somehow portray it through words…I want the upper hand do bad, I want to be in control of this situation