The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
As Oxdrover points out, “No Contact” is an extreme form of the silent treatment. The only difference is, we want nothing from the S/P/N. S/he can’t get back into our good graces. It’s over. NC is a way clear of the relationship. The silent treatment is a way of exerting control within the relationship. It really doesn’t belong in a relationship between healthy adults.
This is why it’s unethical to be half-hearted about NC. You have to make up your mind that it’s over.
In a way, I used the silent treatment just before I went NC. If the S had changed his behavior and offered me basic courtesies, plus refrained from slandering me, I would have continued to do a few administrative tasks for him. So in the beginning, my withdrawal was a form of the “silent treatment”. I would exchange brief pleasantries with him and do minor administrative tasks, as long as he was polite to my face and refrained from slandering me behind my back. Unsurprisingly, he was unable to exercise that kind of self control. After a few weeks of his continued bad behavior NC began in earnest.
Was this fair? I don’t care! Did he think of it as getting the “silent treatment”? Probably. I’m pretty sure he didn’t understand that my form of the “silent treatment” was a last ditch attempt to negotiate minimal civility. Without minimal civility, he could not expect to enjoy even casual social contact with me and my family. I would have spelled this out to him, but he had a pattern of being too arrogant to listen, and too contemptuous to believe what he was told. I used the “silent treatment” because words were wasted on him.
Any way, I agree with Steve that “the silent treatment” has no place in a sane relationship. Unfortunately, I think it’s a valid tactic for negotiating with a nut.
Reflecting back, I realize the S gave me the silent treatment a few times. I was blissfully unaware of the tactic. I relished those days, because it meant I didn’t have to deal with him. Someone once wrote that narcissists ignore people to punish them, not knowing that healthy people are relieved to be ignored by a narcissist. As far as I was concerned, the S’s silent treatment was a delightful quiet spell. Poor S! The silent treatment doesn’t work very well on preoccupied, overworked introverts longing for a bit of peace.
I started reading this, got to the end of paragraph 3 and thought WHO WROTE THIS?! Because already I could tell it was so dead on right! And I had to smile when I saw it was Steve…again!
This is such a powerful post, so validating. Not only in terms of how I was treated as a child….but also what is going on at the toxic work environment I left 9 months ago. One third of the staff has called me, saying they’ve lost their self confidence, they are full of shame….and this bog made me realize those feelings are DIRECTLY related to the powerlessness that is their reality.
And of course this blog was ABSOLUTELY dead on with my BAD MAN. Added to my list of self-defense rules is when someone is giving me the silent treatment LET THEM. I now recognize it for what it is and that they (the silent one) is a person to try to avoid…no matter what seems to be hanging in the balance (love, money, a promotion, security, a miraculous cure to a life threatening disease) because interacting with venomous creatures, even when you know how to avoid getting bit, is hyper-vigilent, tiring work and a huge time suck and happiness drain….and nothing, NOTHING good ever comes from them.
I’m going to print this post and reread it whenever I’m tempted to let someone manipulate me with this! Also, it is so validating it brought tears, but good tear.
Elizabeth,
QUOTE: “the silent treatment has no place in a health relationship”
SO RIGHT ON! However, as a manuver in dealing with one that for whatever reason you cannot avoid, it is great.
My X-BF-P shows up at various living history events, and there is no way I can prevent him from doing so, but I refuse to “acknowledge” his presence even with body language, much less speaking to him. THE POTTED PLANT TREATMENT, i.e. “the silent treatment.” It works, they become uncomfortable.
If I ever encounter my egg donor in public again, I will do my best to give her the POTTED PLANT TREATMENT as well. Last time I was so shocked and enraged at her attempt to TRIVALIZE my pain I did respond back to her (which of course didn’t do any good) but I will make better efforts in the future to NOT respond, and will avoid places she might show up, but if it does happen, THE POTTED PLANT TREATMENT is the best I can do.
It is a huge tiring work and emotional suck to do it, but it is getting less of a hard task the more I am away from her and the X BF is a non entity now, so it takes no effort to give him the silent treatment.
I got an email from a friend of mine who was the X GF whose house he burned and she is healing and actually gave him the potted plant treatment the last time she ended up seeing him at a living history event. TOWANDA! I also suggested that she come here to LF for some additional healing.
Learnthelesson said:
“Sure from the outside looking in he’s got it all. But Newlife, he LOST it all. Same old same old life he is living just with another face (they dont change who they are just cuz they have a new partner..just takes time and circumstances and how much self -value, and self-respect the new partner has until the curtain falls again – or they remain in a dysfuncational unhealthy situation behind closed door and appear on top of the world to the outside world!
That’s right on…couldn’t agree more.
This is exactly I keep reminding myself if I ever think about the s.
PS My mom would literally stop speaking to me as a YOUNG child, sometimes for even a couple of weeks. I can remember all the begging, apologizing, etc. I did to get try to get her to speak to me again. It was extreme emotional abuse.
Luckily, even as a kid, I somehow figured out there was something wrong with her.
But I was amazed to see myself fall for that same tactic as a 56 year old adult with a BAD MAN. I was crying, pleading, in anguish, recognized it was just like my mom had treated me, but I was as desperate for what I thought he had to offer as I had been as a kid for a mother’s love.
But understanding those patterns isn’t the key to freedom from repetition. The key is, I think, your earlier post about what red flags did you ignore and why. Then if one can translate that into a list of personal self-defense rules, one can get back to loving life.
Blogs like this one help people recognize the particular red flags they may be blind to….cruelty blind spots. The cruelty is right there, but you can’t see it….just like a car can be right beside yours, but you can miss seeing it due to the blind spot in the way your mirror is adjusted and so you change lanes and …………..CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom used to do the same. She was the perfect grooming for me learning the ways that would make me more vulnerable later in life to sociopaths.
She would give me the silence treatments for days. Or she would lay in bed turned against the wall for days, when she would have depressive episodes. She would also blackmail with suicide often.
My mom is NOT as sociopath. She is borderline with narcissistic tendencies. Almost as bad though. But there is a difference, mostly on being able to feel. Borderlines feel to the extreme.
Now I see how my mothers silent treatment paved the path to the s’s silent treatment.
Narcissists, sociopaths, borderlines, psychopaths…they share many manipulative tactics.
Is this why N/S h says he doesn’t feel anything for me?
Maybe Never did – they only last the honeymoon stage?
He says I ruined the marriage because of who I am.
Are there No real deep feelings – although he does cry. ??? Leaves my daughter messages and you can tell he is crying late at night. He misses her – or is he missing her attention?
Although the tears are for him – he doesn’t ask much about her and her life – which is quite busy at 15.
I buckled under the “silent treatment” for so many years before I actually “got it”.
I think I lulled my S boyfriend into a false sense of security, thinking that I would always “come running back”.
When I finally woke up and realized that HE was the problem, I became empowered and was able to enforce NC.
It was EXTRA effective, because he never thought I would actually be that strong. It completely UNHINGED him, and it also made him ANGRY.
He would make bizarre phone calls in the middle of the night. He damaged my property, which scared me. Because when a man is damaging everything around you, it is just a matter of time before he gets around to YOU!
I got away. Praise God.
Another thing I like about this post is that Steve writes that the abuser “exploits this NATURAL psychological frailty.”
It is SO good to read something that doesn’t imply that something is missing or wrong, etc. with the victim. YES, we can learn more about how to protect ourselves from the ABUSIVE person….but this post confirms that a mentally healthy, loving individual can get their minds and hearts messed with big time by these abusers. There are all kinds of things that can mitigate against that happening, but sometimes there is the “perfect storm” in our life when an abuser hits us with something that two years earlier wouldn’t have phased us, even though we were still the same person with the same childhood issues, etc.
Would Patty Hearst ever robbed a bank had she not been subjected to those abusing, mind manipulating evil people?
And I wish I knew more about Elizabeth Smart. It seems her mom’s advice helped her a lot, which was basically, that man has already stolen much from you, don’t let him steal another minute more from you now. She had one or two sessions of therapy, that was it. I don’t think she repressed it all. I bet she is truly over it and has moved on!
You know what helped me get over an attempted physical rape? (It actually impacted me more than a former successful rape as it was a very frightening experience.) A comedy class ….where the instructor helped us make a comedy routine out of our most traumatic memories. Isn’t that interesting? I poked great fun at my reaction. I poked fun at my post traumatic symptoms. And it was hilarious. I can get people laughing so hard they double over. And somehow it MINIMIZES what he did….gives me POWER over the situation. I know some of you are thinking, what a big dose of denial. But actually it is waking up to reality. If I think the attack is about to happen again when the lights suddenly go out….THAT is being disconnected from reality. And it IS funny to think that suddenly I am convinced that this guy from another continent has somehow found me again and found the money to get over here and managed to figure out how to turn my lights off undetected by five dogs and is about to pounce on me. You can make that pretty funny! And laughing at it makes it go away.
Laughing at something minimizes it. That is why it HURTS if someone pokes fun at us when we ARE hurting. But if WE do it to OURSELVES, it is signally to ourselves, this is in the past. It was just a part of my life that is over. It doesn’t define who I am. I can laugh at it, at myself now. I’m OVER IT!!! That comedy instructor took us from tears to laughter. The first time we told our stories, we were crying. The last time we told our stories we were laughing.
But I can guarantee the last telling would not have been funny at all to our abusers!!! It is shouting “The emperor has no clothes!!!”