The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
The silence treatment was to force her manipulation on us and at first it did hurt us emotionally. But after many years of her abuse we saw this “time out” as a blessing. So began the walking on eggshells.
The calm before the storm some would call it…..
sstiles54
“I read here for a long time before I had the courage to write. I started out slow, then the words just seemed to pour out. For the only time in my life, I was talking to people who got it.”
This is how it starts with most of us. But please remember these helping hands comes with experience of our own personal toxic relationship and also were at one time where you are at now. Wondering, researching and discovering something we didn’t want or ask for…
Welcome sstiles54 or should I say my condolence?
First off LTL, my thoughts are with you and your son, I’m so glad everything is OK on that end…
awakening…thanks for thinking of me, this place is a godsend, now if only I’d listen to all the great advice here. Seems pretty obvious that my ex is an S and the more I read there aren’t any success stories on here of taming one of these loose cannons. I’m trying to drive that through my thick skull with a sledgehammer. Seems like it was inevitable, sooner or later the bottom would have fallen out.
sstiles…thanks for your kind words. With my job I am either in down time or interacting with customers. I had a really busy weekend so that was a good distraction and I even recognized some of my smiles to be a little less fabricated this afternoon. Ups and downs, ups and downs. working on the whole downs and downs thing.
Erin…thanks for the motherly love. very well said, but again, thick skull thing. great advice and necessary tough love. I feel it, I need it.
Another day and still no sent letter, and tomorrow will be another day and still no sent letter. The most twisted thing is, and I realized today that it was twisted on MY END, is that people say that sending it will give her ammo for the future and she’ll use it against me. And I think that I want her to come back (like I’d ever be able to look at her the same I often forget) and it will never be the same) so giving her ammo is what I want to do. Or wanted to do as of right now, we’ll see about tomorrow 🙂 Anyway, that is sick on my end, to give her the fuel for the fire so that she will come back in my life and then I could use my newfound knowledge to combat her and her callous ways. Like I’d ever be happy like I was, like I’d ever freakin sleep at night. I SAW WHAT SHE DID with my own damn eyes. Nothing concrete, but there is suspicious evidence there that cannot be overlooked (although I often do). Enough suspicious eveidence, coupled with her current behavior to be a coincidence. damn shame. we culd have been the greatest couple ever, but like I said my unsent letter to her “WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GET SO SHADY? I bet she couldn’t even answer that question because I doubt she knows. Just her nature. F Her.
Tomorrow is a new day, gonna try and wake up on the right side of the bed and see where that leads me. No guarantees, but there has to be some effort there on my end to start the process. I deserve it. I have been sabotaging myself. Now even tho everything I say makes perfect sense and means I’m listening to advice, I’m not positive that tomorrow is going to be a good day…
what does that mean “the calm before the storm? i relate to finally feeling blessed that i am ignored. i accept that i was living a lie so i no longer cry over “him” and want to figure it all out thinking the white picked fence is in the future.
i do fear for my life and i don’t think he is letting me off the hook yet but and i finally found an attorney to call for guidance but please tell me it doesn’t get worse? letting go is the hardest part right? or hanging on i should say .
Oxy
Is their behavior so deliberate or just what they make out of our reaction. I am finding his contempt for me very hard to take – he has taken to telling me to “pipe down” when I have something to say.
Again, the contempt – hatred – no respect AT ALL !!!
HE never soke to me like this but must have felt it all along.
The mask is off as they say……
It actually creates such anxiety in me to feel his contempt through the phone. I wonder if he would be like this if he were standing in front of me.
How do I process this feeling – I can’t even identify it……
sstiles54 – When I read your above post I was so shocked to see my name up there with Oxy and Donna – my friend if I have given you any words of comfort or wisdom then my bout with devil was worth it…thanks you so much Sstiles for making my day…ah shucks…
Thank you guys…when I was feeling rather low and down today, I didnt even want to call my girlfriend or my sister…I just didnt want to go through having to talk about what I was feeling. It is incredibly amazing to have a special, warm, receiving, and understanding place to turn to. I had no idea…NONE..that pressing on the LF link several months ago would lead me to such wonderful, compassionate, insightful human beings.
You guys lift my spirit and touch my spirit in way that speaks volumes to my heart and soul. Ive been totally out of sorts today, and your words of kindness and encouragement and comfort reached exactly where I needed it to…my smile.
My little guy had a relaxing day, we had a DVD marathon day…and we touched a little bit about what happened, so as to make sure he wasnt scared or had any questions… Unbeknowngst to him that I had written about it and said thank goodness god and/or my mother was watching over him….anyway, he just really wanted to show me how he came to, and where he was…It was unbelievable the way he was saved from harms way (no exaggeration..even his arms were on the outside of the tub and top half of his body leaning over inside of tub with inches to spare of …. so he says to me, I think your Mom protected me today! He doesnt even know that I asked her while she was still alive to be his guardian angel…. this whole day has been a miracle of sorts…
Up to and including my non-reaction to the temporary S loss/absence/inability to turn to…I read Witsend post and when you said I didnt act on anything because of my great strides in my recovery…I totally got more strength from that…thank you, for that, and all of your words and encouragement…I wanted to ask you if you wanted to switch screennames today :)..and Happy Mothers Day to you…
And Lostingrief, thank you too, but you also had a challenging, depressing, difficult day too. Im so sorry, you are further along in this healing process and I thank you so much for sharing and am glad the times are fewer and farther between for you….I want to extend a very warm and loving Mothers Day wish to you too — I dont know your experience with having to give up your child for adoption…but to me that is the ultimate maternal sacrifice as well as gift, when faced with the decision to choose the best possible situation for you child. Im touched and glad that you are here, sharing and giving and caring your pain and light with us. You are not alone!! Im glad you are here with us on this journey.
Dear Oxy, Thank you, so so so much. Thank you. And the votes are already in, you have surpassed the woman who lived in a shoe!! Bet you cant even count the number of cyber children you have touched and nurtured and inspired. You always know what to say, and your words to me today — especially bravery is not the absence of fear — will always remind me that its ok to be afraid or scared chitless – because honestly at times with my son I so am…but I really do strive to do the best I can, because I know thats all we can do — each and every one of us , with our children, or parents or siblings or friends or xtoxes… we simply do the best we can…in all of our own ways…
Shabbychic — You are such a sweet person…thank you…Im sorry we’ve both made the same mistakes, but I am so glad we are learning and growing together and getting through some tough times. Thank you for sharing parts of your lifes journey with us too, we all learn from eachother.
GG — Thanks! … your posts in just 24hours sound stronger and more determined mixed with pure honesty and reality that you have no idea how you will feel when you wake up tomorrow. Welcome to the x-tox deprogramming club! Its a see-saw of sorts…but the more you open your eyes the more you stay on the side of seeing more and more clarity…dont be too hard on yourself…
Stargazer – What a wonderful thing you did for YOURSELF today. You listened to your inner voice and you did what was right for you. The outcome is less irrelevant than the action and effort you made. Your Moms issues are her own to deal with but at the end of the day it will hit her that her daughter called. You mentioned being on the fence about going forward, listen to your inner voice, and as you mentioned the conversation went rather surprisingly well in the beginning — it may be a sign that should you reach out in future — you keep a timer nearby — or a knock on your door and shorten it. You may not get out of it nearly as much as if you could if she were able to delve into the deeper stuff, or just listen and accept you — but it may do your heart and soul good — if you choose to put forth effort again and make it light and short before any opportunity for the heavy stuff/dysfunctional stuff to surface. Otherwise, you can leave it with what a wonderful gesture you did today for yourself as well as your mom..
Akitameg — thanks…and you gave me a smile, just seeing your name here and knowing you are making this journey no matter what and a part of all of ours… is something so worth smiling about. ((hugs))
And for those of us who couldnt wait for this day to be over…for so many personal reasons and/or mixed emotions…it officially is over and the start of a new day has begun! 🙂
Can’t fall asleep. He is so very much on my mind.
Would someone please tell me that– my N will still be what he is– even with his next person.
I keep thinking that some woman is gonna get him and he will have learned and not have done to her what he did to other women– his exwife and myself.
Can someone remind me that an N is always an N. jThey are incapable of true, genuine love. They cannot learn how to live life thinking of anyone else’s needs being met, but their own. People will always be a supply to him. Part of my brain believes what i just wrote– but my heart feels like– the Prince Charming he was before his mask came off– well–maybe he will stay the loving, all accomodating, wonderfully sexual, sentimental Prince he was the first year.
A friend of mine said today that I am lilke cd with a scratch in it. The same mental thoughts and bargaining and regrets over and over. he told me to get a new CD.
REad in a book tonight that you all mite like– “The Boy Who Was RAised AS A DOg”—- that sociopaths actually learn at a young age to mimic emotions/how to display them to get what they want. they also tend to learn early to “say” they love someone– just to get sex (What happened with me). Scary thing is– it says that the S’s don’t even value or understand love at all. but they still know how to use it against us to get their needs met.
Hi Akitameg…
The chances are very slim to none that he will ever change. I often would say to myself…and sometimes it really is the case in life…but I would say…Im going to give him so much insights and awareness of right from wrong and then he is going to go on and get it together and someone else with reap the benefits of my time and energy and effort with him.
Is that possible ? yes Probable? no…
But more important is who he was when he was with me. He had my light and love in the palm of his hands and chose to use and abuse it. His choice with me, as your xS choice with you — at the end of the day – were really bad choices for us — they ended up choosing not to care (healthy or unhealthy) our time with them wasnt consistently good, and caring and real. So thats all that matters. Who they are with someone else doesnt help us one ioda. Its who and how they were and wanted to be with us. They lost us and dont deserve us. And we certainly dont deserve a dude that can make those kinds of choices on our behalf.
They werent our Prince Charming. They were our Prince Harming! Using us to get our needs met. Its the choices they made with us that makes us say —- EWWWWWWWWWW, Get gone loser!!
Akitameg:
Sweety, I’m sorry your having the ‘cd’ playing in your head tonight. I know how that is.
Get up, make yourself some hot herbal tea, or warm milk….go outside and look at the sky, enjoy your warm drink and think about your breaths, and then go back to bed.
We all have the feeling….what if, maybe I, He this……the reality is….IT IS WHAT IT IS! They are what they are…..they do not change.
I can contest to that….along with my 18 months of NO CONTACT….I have only seen him 6 times in court/legal situations. I watched/listened to him like I was a fly on a wall…..let me tell you…..he’s worse now. He just disgusts me. It makes me sick to think I spent almost 30 years with this horrid excuse for a human being.
They do not change, but we can and do!
Try to ‘shake your head up tonight’ and shake him right out of there…..bring your thoughts to an end and get yourself some well deserved rest.
🙂