The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
This morning I filed the papers at the court house. Whew it was really a hard thing to do….Have alot of mixed emotions about it. Fear and relief are the two on the surface right now.
I tried to dig deeper within myself and figure out my feelings on this. The relief is pretty easy to figure out….I have felt for quite awile that what was going on with my son is more than I am able to handle. I felt very alone with a problem that was escalating, and ill equiped to know what to do. All of my parental instincts and my “solutions” to the problems not only were NOT working, but in many cases seemed to make the situation worse. So the relief is in the fact that I am hoping this to “reach” him in a way I have been unable to do. Someone else is on “board” so to speak, to help with the problem.
The fear right now overides the relief….My whole purpose of being so desperate to find help for my son RIGHT NOW is because I do believe “timing” is everything…..I don’t pretend to know…..If and fact he can be helped, or if he has a disorder that is beyond help. BUT I do believe whole heartedly that if the possibility DOES EXIST, the time is NOW.
If he can’t be reached now, I truley don’t see this as something he will “grow out of” but something he will grow more “into” as he matures. (not just teenage defiance that kids grow out of)
The distrubing traits in his personality have escalated.
The core of my fear is that the very thing I am trying to intervine and avoid at his young age, is something I might have invited by involving the court system at this stage.
Does that make sense?
Yes dear it makes perfect sense!
You made the decision…..now try not to disect it and drive yourself into the ground. Your going to need energy for the road ahead.
It’s done….take a breath now!
I am really proud of you for making such a couragious decision to help your son. I have wrestled with this myself. Just don’t think I could do it…just yet!
Rest of your morals and know your trying to find help for your special love.
Happy Mothers day, you are the love a mother should be!
Dearest Witsend,
Im glad you made a decision and filed the papers. I understand your mixed emotions about it..Relief of the here and now and some type of action/movement/progress and Fear of the unknown….
Try to let the relief override the fear right now! Because truth be told the flip side of your fear is what if the court system is the one thing at this stage that could have a positive impact on your sons life at this stage and you didnt go forward out of fear…
Remember, and remind yourself, as I often do…. we follow our instincts and we trust ourselves, and most of all know that you will never be the reason or cause for your sons situation in life. Ultimately he will be responsible for the choices he makes. His history may have helped shape him but his choices will create who he becomes. As his mother you are protecting him, nurturing and guiding him AS BEST YOU CAN. Your decision is based on where he is and where he appeared to be going with his life direction– and what it is at this moment in his life that might possibly help steer him or save him from his self-destructiveness.
I think we will always have our fears…but try to focus on the emotion of relief that a decision has been made and lets see what positives might come from this route with newfound support!! ((HUGS))
i am amazed at how your stories are mine. i wonder if some of us aren’t talking about the same person?
anyway, it is hard to know about getting a gun or a restraining order because they are so good at conning others to turn the blame onto us and at conning us. i know mine has tape recorded me after setting me up and down loaded my phone and changed the documents i have on him in my computer.
it is also hard to find an attorney that understands the danger. i finally got a referral and plan to call him today.
as far as the other women, wow he had me convinced he was one of the loyal ones and would never ever cheat. then i find not 1 but 16 women he was having regular contact with. this is my ex husband and i was clueless. even worse i found out they all knew intimate details about me and he told them i was crazy and yet he denied it to the end so i knew nothing about them.
he is now doing the usual dance, so i am ignored for a while but i know he will try to come back as it has been the same dance for years. i used to freak but not anymore, thank god. he got arrested to avoid jail he is pretending to do AA and is in a recovery home, for free again, pretending to be a good guy, finding new vulnerable women, and discrediting me to anyone who will listen. i had 8 years in the program and was very respected in those rooms but i left a while back so he lies and tells them i am using and since he is there and I’m not people believe him.
he has also tried the murder by suicide thing on me many times. i fell for it 2x. once he drove me to the bank had me withdraw half of what was left, not much after living with him.(10k) took me to a hotel and played me. he said the money was his inheritance from me should i do it but he would rather me not and he didn’t care about the money. well he grabbed it out of my hands and set it up so i would see the girls in his phone then fell asleep hoping i would do it. i took some pills but wasn’t trying to die. when i woke up the money was gone, he was gone, my phone was off so my family couldn’t find me and turned out i got in trouble, cut off from family and he got me to run back. i never saw the money again and if i mentioned it he said “what money”. he didn’t even spend it on me but i think he used it for rooms with other women. so sick i know but he has a way of turning people away from me so i run back. i was so sick and it only got worse after that.
agh! what a nightmare. so glad i am not begging him to answer the phone or believing the lie that what we had was love but i am still so broken and i lost so much.
at least i found you guys. i think my strength is because finally i found people who understand and i am not alone anymore. thanks from the bottom of my heart!!!!!
Dear Erin, For self defense I have posted previously about getting a high powered tazer gun. The police gave me the model of the one they actually use. If allowed in your state, you do NOT have to have any permit-you only call in to activate and can do this at the time you leave the store with it.
I got mine at Academy sports (local sporting goods store). Its a tazer C2. It contains a cartridge that shoots barbs into the perpetrator at 15 feet range. The barbs attack the nervous system and is highly effective according to several officers that have used it. After the cartridge is fired, you have up to 50 “stun” gun actions to use at close range. Its SO EASY to use, and I feel very comfortable with having it and it can be carried everywhere you go.
Especially good for coming in alone late at night, as it has an infrared red beam light to zone in on your target for accuracy even in the dark! (really James Bond-ish Cool!)
The only downside, it is rather expensive about $450 is what i paid, BUT THE PEACE OF MIND IS ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS! I would highly recommend it! My stress level is lower due to not feeling completely vulnerable.
Erin, do what you must to feel a level of safety. Make a “safe room” so to speak of your bedroom. I got a contractor out for about $300 to reinforce bedroom door, 1 other downstairs door, and add deadbolt and hotel flip lock to each for extra safety. I ‘lock down’ the place every nite and sleep wonderfully.
I also can deadbolt bedroom door when I leave home to have additional safety against theft ( I was concerned about m N/P taking my laptop, papers, etc. that served as evidence against him.) Take care,xoxo
Erin- About your vehicles- my x n/P put sugar in the gas tank of my car 2 weeks after signing final divorce papers. Obviously he had been watching my house as I ALWAYS leave car in garage, but this particular time ( 2days) I left car out ,b/c I had to park another work vehicle in garage, and he got it. My gas tank did not have a lock on it.
You can purchase for about $10 at an auto store a lockable gas cap that requires a key for almost fool proof protection.
While driving the car that was tampered with, all systems began to lock up. I got out of car and could smell a sweet odd smell around the tail pipeV(from sugar). I got a police report- however he completely got away with this, to my fury, the police wouldn’t run any fingerprints, nothing.
FROM EXPERIENCE-Keep all insurance premiums paid up and current-better yet, do bank drafts. Without insurance to cover my car, my fairly new vehicle would have been in the junk yard!!!
If insurance premiums happen to be late, NO MATTER if you’ve consistently paid on time for years on end- insurance co. can DENY any claims-ESPECIALLY in times of a natural disaster-hurricane season, flood warnings, etc. GRACE PERIODS are not given!! Just a FYI.
Awakening, LTL, Witsend,Bird, erin, (sorry if left any1 out) just want to say, I am sooo THANKFUL that against all odds- the trap that the diabolical S led us into in our lives- All of you lived thru it!ThankGOD!
You have a purpose to be on this planet, or any weaker ones would not have survived. To that I say-Be proud that you found your inner warrior to walk thru the fire. We are not alone, strength is also found in numbers. We are all helping other ‘warriors’ to keep walking thru the fire as well.
Sorry,ONe more thing, of course the Ultimate warrior here- Oxy!
to sabrina:
thank you for the support. this site is amazing and has educated me, helped to realize i am not insane (i am for allowing this to go on for so long. maybe a lot) but mostly the support and understanding has blessed my life so much. you have no idea. no one around me not even my family wants to hear about it and that alone increases my self loathing and trauma issues.
to have found you guys has given me hope and a little peace and some sort of validation or not sure how to word it but you help me not hate myself so much. god bless you.
you all are angels and have profoundly lifted my spirits. gods work for sure!!(lost most of my faith throughout this process but i have found a new faith in the support and kindness of this group).
thanks a ton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ember
omg that sounds like my ex. he tried to burn down a motel too and his dad has helped clean blood off of him after he beat someone to death and helped him get rid of a car he used in a hit and run (done on purpose). i never know what stories are truth and which are lies but i think they all have some truth and the details are lies. i never get enough information to be able to get a response from the police or even my own family. all of this information just came out between last august and now. imagine my shock. i cannot explain the confusion, denial, pain, disbelief, etc………..
i also know if i got a restraining order he would make me the crazy one and probably win as he is as cool as a cucumber. his family had a lot of money so his daddy gets attorneys to get him out of any accountability. i couldn’t believe his dad was unethical but sure enough he screwed me out of money too. i paid for my ex to fly home get his brother then both of them fly back. his brother was in trouble and needed help and since my ex doesn’t have credoit cards i paid, only because i trusted his dad. well my ex some how got the money and his dad doesn’t care. so flipping weird to me that someone so wealthy knowing what i have forked out for his kid would simply blow off re-paying me for halping his own family. guess like father like son x10.
please be careful. they are pure evil. at least mine is but he looks like he just walked out of the country club and so cute, charming, educated, but i know realize he is a walking act, con man, liar without a soul. scary. these people are bewildering……….