The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Oxdrover,
Your comments to Erin are helpful to me, too. I carry pepper spray, and got a can for my daughter. I am taking gun safety classes and am considering buying one. I will take the advice about the over cleaner very seriousely. I got the alarm, barking dogs, also had a consultation with a P.I.
I worry about fire. I worry about gas explosions. My girlfriend’ s house had a gas leak and fire a few months ago. Around the same time I went to visit my 83 yr. old dad, and one of his burners had been on all night, slowly leaking. Not like my dad. He is sharp as a tack. Accident? I pray it was— I also think if he goes after me, it will from behind, in a store or a crowd or something. I hate being so paranoid, yet I know its just stupid to let my guard down. This man was arrested for sending threatening letters to me, also for breaking in, and now he is angry, I’m pretty sure his is a total P. I feel like he is just waiting for me to let my guard down. If I could I would move and hide away, but I have 3 grown (or almost grown) kids, so it just isn’t possible. If he harms one of my kids, or they have some wierd accident, I just don’t know what I will do. I have a friend that says if he felt his kids were threatened, he would not wait and worry. I dunno. I do not want to go to jail. I do not want my kids hurt. Living this way is crazy.
my S is up to something…
he’s being SUPER nice (particularly in emails) almost as if he wants to get back together (AAAAGH!!! >)
BUT he wont’ give me his address, i want to mail him the divorce papers but he’s insisting that he wants to come get them & see us (me & our daughter). when pressed he begins to get irate & tries to turn it around on me (since i won’t give him my cell phone # due to him tending to report it lost or stolen!). thing is, i don’t want to see him. he’s telling everyone that i agreed to this plan, and i didn’t! i can just imagine what he’s got in the works… either he’s going to try& claim to be afraid of me & hiding his wherabouts for that reason, or he’s going to play the poor father card for me not meeting him to give him the papers (like i can serve him myself anyhow!)
gawd i just wish he’d disappear from my life!!!!!!!!
thank you sabrina. you are lucky that you still have your faith. i lost mine. i used to have a strong belief in and love for god. now i either do not see how there can be god or i am very mad at him, not sure.
i have had many insecurities and other issues to work on my whole life. i have worked hard at over coming them. men have always been an issue in the respect that i made them so important. ever since i was a little girl i have wanted a family of my own and i know i put to much of myself into my relationships but god, after all that work i got blind-sided and squashed beyond my wildest comprehension of what is even possible.
i never in my life experienced completion (if you know what i mean) during sex because i think i was ashamed or was too worried about the other person or afraid of letting go????? and i am no virgin mary. i totally confused sex with love and i wanted to be loved so bad. so you can imagine the story.
well, he convinced me that he was so in love with me that i finally allowed myself to be vulnerable and it worked. first time in my 35 years of life (at that time). that convinced me even more that he must be the one. i thought our relationship must be a “god” thing and he defiantly my soul mate.
how could someone purposely damage another person like that.? he knew my issues because i shared everything with him. i later figured out that he actually purposely used them to punish me in the most painful way possible, then again, and again, over and over, getting worse and worse each time, agh!!!!!
i am grateful that i am not living the lie anymore but i do not understand why? i think it is easier to accept if there isn’t any god then to think he allows such evil.
Witsend, Yes I am trying to keep up with posts as I am off today, but will be back at work tomorrow. FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK about my son situation living here.
Just had a huge blow up with him only about an hour or so ago. I act tough and take up for myself, but inside I wanna cry. Afterwards I feel depressed and depleted. Its like he tries to cause drama. He cant contain his resentment for me and brings up his jail time to try and blame me. I wont allow that part to guilt me or hurt me in the least. Then he moves on and on, like the raptors in the old Jurassic park movie, where he systematically goes thru and finds a weak spot within me then unleashes anything that will hurt and bring me down.
Lies or truth, dosent matter. The worst crazy making is the relentless way he twists words to “win” an arguement. I snapped and called him a sociopath who dosent care about anyone but himself. I’ve been told this is not the safest or best way but what was racing thru my mind, flew out of my mouth.
I told him he needed to do as I suggested before, leave. He says I will have to get a police escort b/c he has NOwhere TO GO.
What DO I DO? THrow him out with the police involved? I need to follow up on my word, & my threats. I so dread any police intervention, l went thru enuf with my x N/p only recently. I am so confused rite now.
He, like my x n/P can only be normal for a window of time, THEN its back to maniac mode. I shouldnt have to live like this in my home where I pay all the bills. EVEN my sons gf is staying here! He verbally abuses her as well. She is a darlin girl, whom I am beginning to feel responsible for.
This time, his rage was only verbally abusive, but my little girl also lives here and deserves peace. I think he resents her, and I am scared at the thought of this. He said why does she get to live her for free (shes only 7 !) But I am expected to do everything to EARN my keep????
Remind you- he is 20 yrs old!
Witsend, I am with you in spirit, Im sorry yr going thru the same. My son also looks depressed and can sometimes cry, but with him, I am beginning to think its the blank stare of severe boredom and feeling sorry for himself as he holds himself unaccountable for his bad behavior rather than depression in the sense that we are feeling ourselves. Please keep me informed…
Witsend, I am so sorry, somehow I missed your posts that you signed court papers. I am desparately trying to keep up with everything here. Please dont think you are inviting the thing you are fighting against-by the court involvement something to that affect you said earlier. YOUR SONS defiant behavior has led you to this. You are a mom in the trenches now, you weigh your odds of doing nothing or getting “back up” troops so to speak to bring your son back to reality. From this point on, he has every opportunity to go by the rules.The courts (nor You) have no ireprimands or negative consequences with him IF ONLY HE FOLLOWS RULES,ITS THAT SIMPLE. AS with my son, he chose to break all of them, which led him to time in juvenile. YOU are simply taking away his choice to continue bad behavior with NO CONSEQUENCES or TO CHOOSE bad behavior with CONSEQUENCES.
AT 18, these consequences mean adult jail time. I am proud of you for not only trying to save your son, but your peace of mind as well. It wont be easy, but YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THINGm, whether anyone else backs you or not. You know you must try to gain control now. AT the same time, It could only be a temporary solution to a permanent problem. That is what my reality is with my son. I would still never change my decision to bring in the court system. I, sadly wish there was help for me now as we are in the same boat but no options anymore on court restraining him.
Awakening, Ive been wanting to respond to you as well. I went thru the anger at God for a while as well. I thought and told people when I was married that I allowed GOd to pick this man, this time. I ABSOULTELY beleived 100% GOd wanted this relationship, and made him as my soul mate (Grrr!). I felt duped by God, thought that maybe Gods’ word didnt mean anything- maybe it was b/c I wanted to believe, not any truth to it. I felt ashamed and maybe mocked that I believed so deeply that I was to stay with this man for life. I gave more than my heart n soul, more than I gave to any man. I could go on and on about my distrust in God and disappointment in feeling “tricked”. Then I thought maybe this was my due punishment for past sins I had done. Maybe I deserved it after all???
My soul was so troubled, I angrily prayed to GOd all that I was feeling- even to help my unbelief, I think religion may be crap, etc etc.
Finally, someone explained to me that maybe at the time, God did allow the S in my life. Maybe He allowed it for a time, but then took it away as the n/p had chances to join God and become whole, but the N/P still chose death instead- which God allows us all to choose good or evil.
My friend suggested that I make a list of some of the positive things that came from the relationship. At top of my list was this : Even tho the N/P “played” church and faked living for God, during our marriage, I was doing it for real with my whole heart. A real spirit of love and focus on others in my life had truly been born during this time.
THis could never be taken away by my x n/p. Once God is truly living in you, no man can take that away from you.- Even tho AT THE TIME, You “feel” discarded by GOd as well. Ive learned emotions and feelings lie. Mine did.
ALthough I was doubting, and angry at the time, I felt ashamed that in my lack of faith, I doubted God and blamed him. I began to realize that I would have stayed with the N/p NO MATTER WHAT. EVEN GOD COULD NOT HAVE CONVINCED ME OTHERWISE- in fact, GOd had allowed me to see HUGE FLASHING beacons, but I stayed. Truth was, I wanted this pyscho in my life- the awesome sex, the drama, the excitement, it was me dabbling in a sinful destructive pattern. I DONT believe God punished me at all.
I beleive that he graciously and mercifully allowed me to get out of the clutches of this dark entity. I give God the credit for allowing me to see the unseen. Most of what I discovered my x had been doing, was amazing to have found out without divine intervention. God slowly put my broken heart back enuf for me to see the truth, and helped heal my unbelief in him. That is alot to be thankful for.
Awakening, you are not alone in what you are going thru. God understands your heart right now and is patiently waiting on you with open arms..
Good Grief:
YOU BLOW MY MIND!
I told you to join the gym, or take up a sport.
Is chasing girls a sport to you? Never mind. Don’t even answer.
I joined that site a few weeks ago…haven’t shown much interest in it tho until this girl reached out to me…thanks for the advice witsend and sabrina…I think thats how Ill approach it
Goodgrief:
I’m going to take you over my knee! Stop it! Your trying to side step the painful feelings. You might be successful….THIS TIME….but trust me….I did it for 28 sucky, years of pain! I avoided, ignored, buried and fantasized…It wasn’t real….now I’m MUCH older and I look at the time I wasted aboiding learning a lesson life was trying to teach me. Oh, don’t think you can run…it’s right behind you like a shadow. STOP….and let it hit you, deal with your emotions, learn how to contain them….take time to get to know yourself and manage yourself in various situations….embrace personal growth…this all comes by way of the pain of your loss. You WILL survive. You WILL come out a stronger, more aware person. Ready to offer the best of yourself to one healthy, loving and lucky woman….BUT….for now….it’s about you…take the time. Quit diverting the pain.
Lay down and cry….cry, cry…it may be just the tonic. Have you looked in the mirror as I suggested….get to know ‘who’ is there looking back at you.
You can do it, you have the strength. I am proud of you for not sending that letter. I think you are learning with leaps and bounds….keep going. It does get better!
(Or as i tell my girlfriends….it could be worse…you COULD BE ME!) That’s for a laugh out of you. ;0
LF support:
Thanks all for your “Rambo” advice. I must admit, I found out the S is back today….sure makes me more aware! I keep repeating and I really feel strongly…..I’m NOT afraid of dying and I WILL TAKE YOU ON! You WILL NOT intimidate me. YOU are a nothing!
On another note….saw the DR today, and he wants me to do another scan. My bloodwork is a bit high and off. Not that this is a shock….. Oh crapolia…..just as I am so close to closing the door….I hope to GOD it isn’t another challenge. I reacted as if I never have before…..almost matter of factly….Like Oh, why would you want to do that? So, I will not obsess about it….the apt’s made…my first priority for this week is FINISH OFF THE S in court. I can’t stop now! I must listen to my theme song!!!
THANKS!
Hi everyone–
I am “supposed” to start training for a job tomorrow where I’d only m make 10 bucks an hour anyway–
I do not want to go. i do not feel ready. Just today the psychiatrist that I began seeing last week– added Welbutrin to my Prozac. I feel that I am not ready and I am majorly anxious. ughhhh.,. I also do not want to stay in this line of work which would be at a retirement community.
I know it might be good for me to go– but at the same time I don’t. I began as a flight attendant in Dec. with United and had to quit b/c of this PTSD and depression. Just starting to get help now.
If I do not go to this training tomorrow– I need to not be hard on myself and actively search for a job that will pay more and where I am not responsible for making other people happy. That is what my job– activity therapy has been. Not to mention– that is how the S spotted me. At a retirement community that his parents owned.
If I do not go tomorrow and choose to get a job doing something more mindless– I do not want people to be angry or disappointed in me. I am trying to get well here.
thanks for letting me vent.