The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Oh NO Henry! You said Jehovah!
(Inspired by Monty Python – “The Life of Brian”!!)
Akitameg – I think it might be worth you trying a job outside your activity therapy field. I wonder whether you still need so much support yourself that it is hard for you to be strong for others?
I say this based on personal experience. I worked in a caring profession before being bullied at work and found that after a transfer within the same field I couldn’t continue. I realised that I needed to get out of that field for a while – for a couple of years or possibly permanently.
I think I’m beginning to slowly return to it emotionally, now doing a project in my own time with a relative of mine who works in it, but it’s almost two years later!
Trust your instincts. Everything in you is telling you not to do it. Don’t return before you are ready and if you feel ready to work consider something outside activity therapy. Something that doesn’t require being very strong and positive for others but something which will serve to build you up and support you. A positive environment full of healthy people who can improve your daily life.
Almost immediately in this job I feel you’ll be draining what little emotional reserves you have built back up so far.
I think you still need some TLC for yourself before you can go back to being a happy joy joy therapist for the elderly/anyone.
Take it slow whatever you decide xxx
“I need to not be hard on myself and actively search for a job that will pay more and where I am not responsible for making other people happy.”
Just spotted this Akitameg – that is your soul speaking! Almost exactly what I wrote. Listen to it! Especially the bit about not being responsible for making others happy.
Don’t worry about never doing work like that again – I know myself how fulfilling it is and how it’s a vocation we rarely permanently escape lol! But right now you need something different so that you can heal. Aside from the fact that it is how you met your ex – too many memories there.
Be good to yourself xxx
I came to this conversation very late.
What struck me as I read through the comments was how many of you had similar experiences to mine – being given the silent treatment by a parent, as well as suicide threats and suicide attempts.
I grew up thinking this was how mothers behaved with their children. Our mother always gave us the silent treatment when she was depressed, angry at us, upset about something or simply for no discernible reason. I grew used to being ignored for weeks on end, even my greetings going unacknowledged.
There were also numerous suicide attempts. My older siblings became adept at cleaning and bandaging her wrists when she cut herself (they learned to assess whether or not a visit to the doctor was required). When she took tablets we usually called a doctor or had her taken to hospital.
I remember on one occasion spending the entire night on a hard hospital bench in the waiting room, terrified that my mother would die if I didn’t stay there until she woke up. A family friend checked on me occasionally but he spent most of the time at my mother’s bedside. They wouldn’t allow me in to see her until the next day. I was about 8 or 9 at the time. I remember being frightened and exhausted. At one point a man sat down very close to me, even though there were numerous empty benches. I was afraid and could sense he had bad intentions so I got up and walked around, even though I really wanted to lie down and try to sleep. I was too afraid to sleep after he left, in case he came back.
When I was finally allowed in to see my mother she didn’t ask me if I was ok, not then or at any time afterwards. It was all about her.
Being the youngest, I spent the most time alone in our house with my mother. The silent treatment was worse in a way because I had no siblings to talk to. I’d come home from school and greet my mother, only to be met with silence. I usually had no idea why she was mad at me. For the next few weeks I’d live a dual existence. At school I was bubbly and cheerful, like nothing was wrong. At home I barely said a word and grew to expect being ignored.
Sometimes she’d get really angry about something and walk out. She’d stay away for hours, sometimes until late at night. I didn’t know where she went or when she’d be back, even if she’d be back. Whenever she left I’d tell myself not to assume she would return.
We lived in a bad neighbourhood and I was often frightened at being alone at night, especially when I heard the gangsters walk past our house. I was as young as 9 or 10 when this started happening regularly.
I look back now and realise that I never once asked anyone for help. I’d wait alone at home until she came back and it didn’t even occur to me to phone anyone. In fact, throughout my childhood the very concept of asking for help (in this context) never occurred to me. I think I’d already learnt that adults ignored you and didn’t help you. More than that, they were usually the ones doing the harm.
I love my mother and I know she loves me…but I’m still angry at her for how she treated me then and for years after, until I finally found a way to deal with her about 7 years ago (I’m 37 now). I know I’ll be devastated when she dies. Her passing will leave a hole in my life that no one else could ever fill. But the love seems to be inextricably linked to feelings of hurt, anger and frustration.
Sorry about writing such a long story. I had no idea all these feelings and memories were still so fresh and raw until I started writing.
This is a reacuring theme, Vampires , Parasites , Emotional Rapeists , could it be that These are the true vampires of old? Sucking the life from one victim and then the next and the next?
So the Myth in fact is the truth! Vampires Do Exist!
Just the name has changed to N/S/Ps , Evil does exist!
Dear Sabrina,
IDK….I look at your situation and how your son is 20 and has moved into your home and to be honest I see myself there in a few years.
My son has a grandious plan of moving out when he is 17, going to California and becoming a pro skate boarder. He doesn’t need an education. He has no back up plan and he is ADAMANT that this is going to happen. Just as he is adamant that school is not important.
MY SON BELIEVES IF HE SAYS SO IT IS SO. A big Part of his non reality world he lives in.
He will be coming back from California, ya think??
So tell me that this isn’t a life long sentence when it is your kid?
And it is HIS choice to flunk out in school and yet he is going to dump that right back into MY WORLD in a year or two, when he has no job, no education, & a mental illness that HE CHOOSES to ignore. Right now I AM VERY ANGRY about this.
I personally right now don’t know how you do it….I know what you mean about when you bask in the times they are “themselves” and you can share a parent/child moment.
Lately though I see very LITTLE of my child. I see the stranger he has become. I know he is in there somewhere as there are “moments”…..But the abuse that they are capable is abuse that I would WALK AWAY from if it was inflicted on me by an adult. And I certainly wouldn’t “take it” in my own home.
And I am begining to believe that a parent can have a trama bond with their own child. That HAS to be what makes us feel like a hostage in this situation. Because that is how I feel today. I don’t WANT to be here. This is all happening against my will.
I saw a very intollerable situation become just a little more tollerable with medication. No miracles but ALOT more do-able. But GOD forbid that he be hospitalized and give that a chance…..We have to wait until he kills someone and a judge orders that. If I knew a judge and where one lived, I would take my son to his house and say YOU LIVE with him for a week. Then tell me what you think.
Yesterday I was in tears and feeling guilt, and fear and DESPERATION. Today I am ANGRY.
This morning I couldn’t get him out of bed (he faces detention OR suspension at school today) and so WHO PAYS FOR THIS CHOICE HE GOT HIMSELF INTO? I do, by his miserable, out of control attitude this am…
He looked at me with contempt (where does a 16 year old get that?) this morning and said he has never hated me as much as he did right now…..And you know his face was so distorted(in anger, hatred?) (not my kids face) I didn’t feel much love for him at that moment either….I don’t even know who that was this morning?
Does that make me a terrible mother? I felt like one. On the other hand I have never felt this angry before either.
I am soooooo tired of feeling like I am living with a time bomb. My gut is just tied in knots. The anxiety, the stress…
Witsend, The part you said about living with a time bomb is exactly my reality. Even when we are all having a good time, playing games and so forth, he is apt to be so argumentive and can ruin even the happiest of times.
I think at this age, they havent learned the charm and fakeness that older ones like my x n/p have learned. My theory is that at a younger age, they are more true to what they really feel without any social expectations pulling them in that direction. Only with age, do they they hide more. That, andthe fact that with us, the parents, we are somehow punished and get the brunt of their anger more so than anyone else.I understand Witsend your anger, I waffle between anger and sadness, then just extreme tiredness and wanting to not think about it anymore. I still think about what if my “diagnosis” of him is incorrect and there is medication that can help his mood swings.REgardless, I’ve already pushed for him to get counceling, have dr. check him out, etc. He flat refuses and how can you help someon who thinks EVERYONE else has the problem, not them??? He feels mentally superior and i am sure can con ANY health professional aroound. SO I am back to my original diagnosis of him being a S. Its so hard to even say it without such a sick feeling inside. I cant really transcend what I know about a S over completely to my son, if that makes any sense. ITs like I almost need to be re trained on their habits. Maybe b/c his habits,being my son is different than what I;ve experienced in many degrees. who know. maybe each S has their own way of crazy making, and we are poorly adept at handling any of them. Im so confused…
Witsend, the anger I have found allows us as moms to put the mothering guilt aside for a moment and see reality while gaining your strength and fortitude to do this life with your son, and go forward with your decisions. In anger, I have stood up for myself, my household and woke up to the fact that I am being taken advantage of!
Ive realized when he was a child, I NEVER allowed such defiance and disrespect so why the hell does this grown up child get away with any of it.? THe anger is almost a relief to not have to deal with the pain and heartache.
Im sorry i cant offer any good advice right now- we must not let them run us in the ground no matter what.
(((((Witsend)))))
Oh, my dear! I feel the pain in your words, the frsutration and the justifiable ANGER. The frustation and lack of options.
And Sabrina, yours too.
Witsend, though you said you would take him back in when he comes home at 20 and wants to resume the life he has now? that’s what you’d be doing. He wouldn’t have learned anything by failing to become a rich professional skate boarder. They never do. God forbid they go to WORK at a boring job “just for money” for rent, food, transportation, medical or dental care. Heck, if they spent THEIR money for those things, they wouldn’t have enough left for IPODs or new skate boards or anything else that they deserve and NEED.
Yes, Tilly, you are angry at your son for sabotaging himself, his life. You are angry at him for not becominig the responsible and caring young man you wanted him to be. You are angry that he does not accept the values you do.
I thought it was a great idea that my son should stop stealing. He didn’t see the value in that. I thought it was a great idea that he stop sleeping with a 13 year old when he was 16. He didn’t see any value in not sleeping with her. I thought it was a great idea that he not take a stolen gun to school. He thought it was a good idea because it got him attention from teh other kids. (who, thank Giod told the school cop)
I thought it was a great idea that he drive a car, not a motorcycle (I worked in spinal cord rehab) He stole a motorcycle and rode it anyway.
I had visions of my very bright son finishing college at MIT or some other great school…he didn’t see any advantage in wasting all that time in school, he knew it all already.
I took him back in at 17 when he had first moved out, then stolen $100K worth of computers from our friend’s business (and shut them down for months). I had turned him in to the cops and they arrested him, and I took him back in. He jumped bail and ran. Even later, when (at age 18) he was involved in a home invasion type robbery of a printing company and stole another huge amount of computers, was caught and went to prison for 2 yrs, I would have taken him back then….but he came home for a visit and told me “You know why I didn’t come home?” (said like he was punishing me by not coming home) “Because I knew if I got into trouble you would turn me in to the cops!” I looked him in the eye and said “You got that chit right! The rules have not changed here in this house.” Two months later he was arrested for murder.
Tilly, you cannot force him to do anything he is not willing to do. If he won’t get out of bed, you can’t force him to. But you can pick kup the phone and call the authorities and turn him in as unmanageable, incorrigible. I’m not sure it will “improve him any” or make him see the light, but things are NOT working now, and aren’t likely to start working the way they are going. He has the UPPER HAND, HE HAS CONTROL and he KNOWS IT.
I don’t doubt for one minute tha tyour son hates you. Mine hated me from the time he was a younger teenager. Any APPARENT cooperation I got from him was just PRETENSE to fool me so I wouldn’t know what he was REALLY up to. He was totally IN CONTROL of the situation, I only THOUGHT he was cooperating with me. Your son doesn’t even care enough about you to PRETEND to cooperate.
Your ANGER IS GOOD. Let trhat anger take ACTION. Pitying your son isn’t going to help him OR YOU. Feeling guilty isn’t going to help you or him. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT, NOT TO BLAME. This is HIS DECISION. BAD decision, but HIS choice. You cannot make him see “reason” as interpreted by YOU. He does not have the same COMPASS as you do. He does not see any problems except you and the school want him to do something he has NO intention of doing. He sees no value in doing the things you want. He sees no consequences in not doing them.
IMHO Talking to him is not going to change his attitude. What you say, think, wish, is not high on his priority list. What the school does or says is not anything he values. The program you talked about the other day about them coming to your house and helping you set “limits” etc. may work, ONLY if the CONSEQUENCES of not respecting those limits is something he does NOT want.
With him looking you in the eye and telling you he HATES YOU though, frankly, Witsend, given my past experience, I would be physically afraid of him. Youo have said in teh past that you felt physically threatened when he gets angry at you.
Please let your anger guide you to take some ACTION. For your safety and your sons. He is no longer a “child”—he is a young man, and he is a young man that is not thinking logically and is filled with hate. Please be safe! ((((Hugs)))) and prayers.
I lived the silent treatment constantly during my 7-year long relationship with a sociopath/narcissist. In the last couple of years of our relationship, I kept a calendar to keep track of exactly how much time he spent not speaking to me, and it was more than half of the year for weeks at a time. I would be desperate for any interaction, begging and pleading with him to speak to me or even acknowledge me, apologizing over and over again when I knew I really wasn’t at fault. It made no difference what else was going on at the time; he even ignored me for a week after bringing our newborn daughter home from the hospital. I was struggling with trying to breastfeed her and she simply wouldn’t do it. Looking back I know now that it was probably due to the tremendous amount of stress I was under. When I needed support as a new mother from my husband, he was ignoring my existence. The entier article above completely hits home with me. Even though it’s been 3 years since our relationship ended, it saddens me to be reminded of what I went through.
This really hit home for me. I’ve been reading the posts and not commenting for over 6 months now. And when I got to this post I couldn’t just sit here anymore.
Kathleen Hawk wrote, “I have a poem I wrote early in the relationship that was about not being allowed to say “I love you.” I thought it was an exercise, something about making actions louder than words.”
OMG! That feels like me. Even down to writing the poem.
And the sad thing is, I’ve read all of this and I will go visit my drug of choice tonight. I am so far into the denial phase and not sure I want to do anything about it. I am sick. I am seeing a counselor and I acknowledge I am sick and yet I continue to crave this man’s attention.
You see he has pulled me in with his beautiful lies. And dangled his carrots of taking care of me, wanting children and a marriage. And yet the red flags are all there. He wasn’t ready for a serious committed relationship but could take what I was more than willing to give. He is handsome, rich and successful and yet for me he plays hurt. And I eat it up. Because you see it is only for me he does these things. It made me feel unique and special. Or so I told myself.
Much later I found out different.
He took back the I Love you’s and the b’sheret comments (soulmate). We can have amazing sex but he won’t hold my hand in public. That would mean that the relationship was something more for him.
The fact that we were building a relationship based on a solid foundation of honesty and integrity still seems to sit firm in his mind and yet I see it as punched through like swiss cheese.
He is only honest when it suits him. He tells me lies of omission and half truths that later come out. And then he dismisses it all with a ” I didn’t want to hurt you.”
I could go on and on with my story but will stop for now to say, My eyes are open but my heart needs help.
I feel powerless over this drug and I still live for his kind words and his touch.