The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I guess the anger is starting to clarify some things that the pain didn’t allow me to see “clearly through” before.
I have felt for the longest time that I face this alone….I do not have a good support system. As a mother, I ADMIT, he is out of control…..I can’t control him and HE CAN’T control himself.
But someday he is going to be not JUST MY PROBLEM anymore…He will be a problem in society. No one knows what the future holds in store but TRUST ME, these types of personality will be either breaking the law or torturing the peoples lives they come in contact with. My son will not grow out of this unless something BIG happens as far as intervention. And I don’t mean incarceration. (at this point all he will learn is more BAD)
HIS PROBLEM is a problem in his brain. And you are right. When they are young, they have not “perfected” the adult social personality disorder yet. However on a DAILY BASIS I watch him “GROOM” himself more and more into the disorder. I see the transformation with my own eyes. It terrifys me.
I am not a doctor, I might loose ALL and any debate I might have with one about this disorder.
But I can tell you one thing….Experience in living this “out” with him gives ALOT of insight into what medical science will take decades to figure out. I don’t care about scientific studies, if the studies DON’T include what we all know to be true. TRY LIVING with this disorder. Try interaction with them. TRY LOVING ONE. Forget about the Ted Bundies, the extreame cases and FOCUS on maybe saving some of these kids with MEDICAL intervention. Put some $$$ into that.
These kids DO NEED medical help and they need it early on. I believe some, certainly NOT ALL can be helped. Why can’t these kids have BRAIN scans? I would bet the farm, my sons brain is not normal.
If he had a tumor on his brain it would be scanned.
If he can groom this disorder on a daily basis, and grow more “into it” as he reaches adulthood, then I have to believe that there is also a way to reverse it in SOME kids. IF caught in time. IT is worth the try.
Billions of dollars spent on any disease you can name. I have a 16 year old, and I CAN’T THINK of ONE disease, other than this disorder, that would be turned away from intensive medical help if he needed it.
That is really inexcuseable to me as a mother but it should inexcuseable to all of us….
Because most of those who have found their way here, have HAD experience with the adult side of this disorder.
It is growing within him just like a cancer. And I know I have vented my frustration about this before.
However the “light bulb” moment I have had in my anger today, is that he will be more than just my problem in the future.
Oxy Dear,
Today, I know that I might feel differently tomorrow (GOD help me I feel like the mental illness is catchy like the flu, and my moods flexuate as much as his do)…But today, IF HE chose to ride off into the sunset on his skateboard headed for California to make his million dollars (THAT IS REALLY WHAT HE THINKS WILL HAPPEN, a million $$$$) I would be boarding up the doors and windows & changing the locks…
God forgive me for saying that but at this moment that is how I feel. A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD is bringing this out in me? What kind of power will he have when he is 20?
I didn’t mean to imply that I WOULD take him back at 20 years old. BUT I see that my choices WILL be take him back or fear for my life. I do agree that my son is dangerous. I can see that much clearer in my anger than in my sadness.
I DO see this as a life sentence in that he will not be able to “function” in REALITY, and consequently he will always be tearing at my emotions. Just like he does now, only he will be that much better at it. Cause he gets better at it every day.
Like you someday I will have to make the choice that he is dead to me….Or take him back. And go another round. THAT SUCKS.
Witsend and others,
I agree that those of us who have lived with the S/P/Ns know much more than many of the researchers who believe they have never actually even MET a P.
I suppose I should have noted this on these boards a long time ago, but I am one of the 75 women surveyed for the book “Women Who Love Psychopaths.” I was surprised to find, upon reading the book, that one of the sets of questions corresponded to the PCL-R (the generally-accepted screening tool for psychopathy developed by Dr. Robert Hare). I was so acclimated to the psychopath’s worldview that all those questions and situations just seemed like mundane, real-world, typical behaviors. “Duh!” I thought as I answered the questions. “Everyone behaves like this.”
Come to find out, no they don’t. But my father did and my child did and my ex-husband did. Add that in with an extremely narcissistic mother, and I was careening through life filled with funhouse mirrors, thinking I was seeing straight reality.
After five years of intense self-work, study, reflection and writing, I have come to view this experience more through a spiritual lens than a strict religious or psychological/medical one. And here’s something I found to be comforting, helpful and sometimes sanity-saving.
View the S/P/Ns as triune. Three-part. The three-as-one frame is a spiritual one, and one that has given me the most peace of mind, as far as viewing THEM and as far as viewing my own development. As above, so below.
They are one part NATURE. That is, they are their genetics. They were most likely born that way. They are one part NURTURE. That is, circumstances and life experiences combined in such a way as to build upon the natural state in which they were born. That doesn’t mean that we as parents caused them to be what they are; but, it does mean that the totality of their life experience affected them in negative ways. (I am not absolving myself of all blame. I made mistakes, sometimes serious ones, as I’m sure you have too. But as parents we are not the all-powerful influences that psychology says we are. We are mere humans, doing the best we can and hoping for limited success.)
But most importantly, the P/S/Ns are one part FREE WILL. Each one of these people we love so much is his/her own separate human being with his/her own free will. They CHOOSE their own actions. You must remember that always.
Just as you can choose whether to tell a lie, so can they. Just as you can choose whether to act lovingly or selfishly, so can they. It may come more naturally to you than them, but the choice is still there.
So, let the researchers continue to make checklists. Let them continue to debate which overlapping sets of lists mean “A” but not “B,” “A” and sometimes “B” but definitely not “C.” The professionals have that luxury. We, the wives and girlfriends and boyfriends and mothers and fathers, do not. We have to make life-or-death decisions about these people every day.
As parents, we were powerless over the genetic material we gave our children. As parents, we have some power over their environments. And as parents, we can TRY to give them skills for making good decisions–a how-to primer on how to use the awesome power of free will. And that is all we can do.
No one can tell you when is the right time to close a door. You simply have to trust your own instincts when it comes to your child. With me, it came down to realizing that my child had unmercifully used and abused a young mother who had just lost an infant. Used this person for money. Stole from this person. Then cursed and ridiculed her, called her a “stupid c***.” I sadly had to conclude that there was nothing I could do to bring this child of mine back from the dark places. He went there of his own free will. (Even after all this child has done to me and other family members, it took an up-close look at what evil could be done to an innocent stranger to make me really SEE. It’s not just US they hate, it is everyone. It is life itself.)
Continued healing and good wishes to all here on LF.
Oxy, I need to print your post out and keep it near me at all times. wHAT DO YOU suggest I do with my 20 yr old living here? Its a pattern like my x n/p that I recognize. Maybe 5 good days(meaning no major rages,) then a tyrade happens all due to his “perceived” wrong that I have done to him.
Then, after its over he pretends everything is ok and back to normal (his version of it anyway)!
I need him out of this house, like witsend, I would love to board up doors and windows. I fear that kicking him out he will come back and damage house or me in anger. I know you can not underestimate their anger. He has been physically abusive to me. In december, he grabbed my neck (sooo typical of a S) and screamed horrible things.
THe hatred is real I agree. I just dont know where to send him to get him out of here- any ideas??
I am beginning to not care as long as he is out of here. I sense he is resentful of his baby sister (7). He acts like he adores her, but has said several things that makes me know he is jealous of her. I am very concerned about it.
Like you Witsend, I need to use the anger to snap out of the delusion of wanting my baby boy back. That child is a ghost now. He appears only to haunt me of memories that are long gone, give me false hope that he may return for real, not in shadows that are here for a mere moment, then vanish.
Like you Witsend, I also feel my son will be a burden of society. Im sick that he g.f. is being mistreated. I try to say things to make it click to her that this aint rite! I want her to leave him but I think she definately is in a trauma bond. SHe is ONLY 19.
I feel like when I was with the X n/p, Im just waiting for the shoe
to drop. I never knew how or why I felt that with my supposed “soul mate” (grr!)but I always did. My instincts served me well, I just didnt act upon them.
SHould I force him t o leave with no place to go? The dread of such a scene is horrific in my mind and the fear I know I will feel with taking such an abrasive stance, What if I pay for him a cheap place to stay for a certain amount of time?? It may be worth paying him off???? I know i am rambling, this is helping me formulate a plan. My dad has a mobile home park, I might could set him up there and get him out of here!! This may could work. Its better than him stealing or destroying my property- or worse . Either way, It costs me. If I pay for a place, he should be happy, theoritically anyway. THanks for giving me a place to vent. ANy SUGGESTIONS , COMMENTS, or snide remarks anyone? lol
….Ive missed a day or two…and WOW WOW WOW,some amazing posts have flown by…some really touching posts and some much needed advice and suggestions are flowing in to LF… I am going to take some time to read and catch up …just wanted to send my prayers and well wishes to everyone here that their own strength and insight and wisdom and self-awareness speaks to them with clarity and WITHOUT BLAME, and that we all can lend our love and support to eachother as we get through some tough times…filled with personal learning and growth …as long as we are open to it and face our realities….it will happen…we will learn and grow and answers will come…not always what we want…but what will be!!!!
No snide remarks from this corner. I do want to note, however, that upon re-reading my earlier post it might seem that I am actively encouraging parents to give up on difficult children and I am not.
If I remember correctly, both Witsend and Sabrina, like Oxy, had sons who began to display S/P/N traits at puberty, and things just got worse and worse. I want to emphasize that my own child, the one I believe to be a psychopath, WAS DIFFERENT FROM BIRTH.
I do believe, along with the psychologists, that S/P/N behaviors during the teenage years can be modified and curtailed. I have seen it with my own eyes. And so, while I acknowledge that there is a point at which one MUST exercise basic survival skills and close that door, it is a door that one should approach only after all other routes have been eliminated.
My real-life example is my youngest child. My ex ran an excellent smear campaign on me post-divorce, and eventually convinced the youngest child to live with him. For over a year, he did everything within his power to turn her into something hard and evil. He almost succeeded, but overplayed his hand, and she came back to me.
When she came back, she was dead-eyed, entitled, hate-filled and cruel. She was also scared at how far she had fallen, and hurt by the knowledge of what her father really was.
Today, she is no picnic, but she is so much a different human being than what she was, it is almost unbelieveable. These changes came about due to her own basic nature, a stable environment, some professional help (but not much), and a few lucky breaks. Along the way, I set limits and held to them. I called in the authorities when I needed to. And I learned to accept and praise even the tiniest good behaviors, ignore the bad behaviors that didn’t threaten life or limb and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I also had to accept, deep within myself, that I might fail with her. In doing this, I was able view her bad behaviors impersonally, and not react emotionally (at least most of the time.) I was able to detach and observe. Formulate strategy. Follow through.
So, by all means, try to get help wherever you can. School, church, cops, anything you can think of. Try everything. Don’t give up until you have to give up. Then, if that is what must be, accept it in the knowledge that you did all you could.
Tood,
The way you defined this makes alot of sense. The 3 parts.
I am still (obviously) struggling with this. Not in denial about the disorder initself but certainly still in the fight mode to want to believe it can be “helped”.
I struggle with the “dark place”….I have seen him slip there a few times. I struggle with his lack of reality, something happens, and he act as if it never did. The “fog” created by him.
My struggle lies mostly in what comes first? Does the fantasy world exist because it was created for survival of the pain he feels inside? Or IS the lack of reality the mental illness itself? And the mental illness keeps him in the fantasy world?.
Does the illness provide the dark place? Does he go there willingly? Or something stronger than himself take him there?
Because I did see tiny glimmers of hope when he was on MEDICATION, I suppose that is why my fight mode is hard to squelch. That maybe, just maybe……..Medication/treatment could help him.
I want to SEE MORE of what medication/treatment can do. I want some PROOF that he is untreatable. Just as if the illness growing at leaps and bounds inside of him was cancer. If it is “terminal”, then I have to accept that.
This is what my sons “crazy making” does to me…..On one hand I look at him as being “sick” and I want more than ANYTHING in the world to fight the ENTIRE medical profession if I must, to get him treatment.
And the next day I want to board up the house.
To TILLY & SABRINA read Oxys post on May 7th, under (i believe)what works with a s. Starts out with devil and the deep blue sea….
But the paragraph that she words so RIGHT ON is the nurture/nature part of how fearing your own flesh and blood is NOT NORMAL as a mother. Goes against the grain of everything that is “right”.
I keep going back to this entire post….My message is in there and maybe yours is to.
HELP. I am “the Silencer”. I have blocked his calls, and ignore him when I see him. Who’s the sociopath here, him, or me? He’s only a friend…….we were together for a short time about four years ago…..have had an on again off again sort of “friendship”….always on his terms. He can’t GIVE anything to save his life…..except that he is very giving and charming with clients and people who he is in casual relationships with.
He’s a blamer……but I find myself blaming him…..calling him dysfunctional, calling him out on his many lady “friends”, he doesn’t treat women well at all……..his ex girlfriend does laundry at his house and cleans his house for him…..is it just me or is that wrong? Maybe I am too judgemental.. Maybe it’s me being crazy—-diliberately destroying even the friendship because it isn’t what I would like it to be. I don’t like how I feel around him. He would call almost every day, but we would rarely see each other. Maybe I am the sociopath. Maybe I am the oone with the problem. Everytime I don’t like how he operates with me I block his calls, don’t answer emails, and ignore him. Now after reading this article, I feel rather bad. He is clear he wants no relationship with me, why then does he bother to call? That’s the real reason I blocked his calls. It’s passive aggressive I know. I apparently need skills on conflict resolution. I always just want to cut people off when I feel hurt. Any thoughts?
Yes! Loads! I did this with the creep I was involved in with (almost) every RED FLAG; I shut him down when it hurt…but then I always let him back….Thing is, I wasnt TRYING to punish HIM, I was re-coiling, retrenching … I have learnt to hide from things that hurt over the years… maybe it is passive aggressive. I dont know…..be interested to hear what everyone else says about this.
Dear Meow, After reading all the horrific details of the damage and destruction a sociopath leaves in their wake,and we arent talking mild destruction- the kind that you may need YEARS to recover mentally, physically, and financially from. And THIS is probally an understatement to say the least.
YOUR INSTINCTS ARE SCREAMING CUT HIM OFF- Please give your sense of self preservation credit and complete seriousness here.
Look at your words:
you say he is dysfunctional, dosent treat women well, is a blamer, friendship always on this terms , cant GIVE anything.
Is charming and giviing with clients (meaning he knows how to with others, just CHOOSES not be be with YOU AND as typical with a S, HE is faking nice to exploit others which is obvious since he gleens something from this:business ventures)
You can not dabble with a suspected S!!!! Cut your losses- which he obviously is causing much mental diress as you have gone to trouble of blocking calls-,this is YOUR internal safety trying get awayfrom this dark entity!
JUst like with my x N/p, I would go out with other guys while we dated IN HOPES that someone would take me away from this off kilter , bizarre roller coaster of a relationship. THat I realize was a cop out, cuz I didnt wanna set the boundary and get rid of him. The trauma bond had already begun.
Although, you say he is a friend only- GOD HELP YOU IF YOU ARE FALLING FOR HIM. It sounds like emotionally he has you in such conflict.
Read about forming BOUNDARIES, and TRUST your instinct to get away. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING. Even if it hurts, take the little pain now to avoid major destruction later. This is your chance- the brainwashing continues every time you are in contact or just knowing you can pick up the phone to call him puts you at risk. Look at how he treats others, DO YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE? You MUST be judgemental when it come to who gets to spend precious time with you. Its crap that women are taught to be silent ,therefore allowing abuse by blaming ourselves for “maybe we are judging too harshly”.
I am from the South, and i wont raise my daughter to be a sweet little Yes girl!!!! Southern manners is a great thing, BUT ONLY with a real Southern gentlemen that DESERVES it.
Take care, get rid of the bad man and consider yourself the little fish that got away…