The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Thank you for this article! I endured the silent treatment for the last +/- 2 years of the relationship ie: withdrawl of affection, stopping eye contact, refusal to talk about feelings(I cried and begged!) I guess I should have know something was amiss, because no one in his family talked about feelings and arguing was not allowed in his growing up home. Silly me, I just thought it was my fault because I’d put on weight, gotten older, etc, etc.
From the first, he was allowed to get angry, yell, demand. I was discouraged from speaking up about things –my opinion was always put down. And I was SOOOOO afraid of making him angry– that look of unbridled rage that he got in his eyes.
Let’s face it, women were put down in general and he had been sued once for sexual harrassment at work.
Now I see, it was all a part of his plan. And it was a good one! I went from a financially secure homeowner to next to nothing in eight short years; an independant woman to a nearly broken shell.
I didn’t believe people like this existed. But since I am not his first ex to wind up with a ruined life; it stands to reason he does exist and he is VERY good at it.
Keep the artiicles coming!
Witsend- I view the above post to be somewhat a positive b/c-
in that:
-My son is now out of the house without him hurting me physically (I havent always been that fortunate in prior altercations with him)
– I heeded the signs and listened to my inner intiution that he had to be removed ,and
-Made provisions and took action to put my safety first without being under any false delusions about what he is truly capable of.
I hope you never have to go thru this, but please mentally prepare yourself. Hope for the BEST, Prepare for the WORST.
Good Grief:
I am going to use the “Drug Addict” analogy here, because you said your relationship with your girlfriend is like a “Drug Addiction”.
I think you said you have not had contact with “the drug” since April 2.
That means today you are 40 days into your “sobriety”!
That is actually really good progress. I know the “withdrawal” has been brutal on you.
Just take it “one-day-at-a-time” like any other “addict”.
Congratulations! Proud of you.
Sabrina
I am so happy for you that you were able to make this happen without a hitch. (meaning getting hurt) Emotionally you must be drained. Maybe tonight do something special for yourself and your daughter.
I know that in your heart you also feel pain. But the pain isn’t for the stranger that invaided his body…..
If I were you I would think about going to the shelter and adopting a dog. The dog won’t know your son and most definately the right dog will bond with your daughter. Naturally you don’t want an aggressive dog because of your young daughter and kids coming and going.
Dogs are great because they bark and warn us when someone is coming to the door etc.
It might just be an extra precautionary thing that you can do and also a great friend for your daughter.
I think your words are words of wisdom…Hope for the best but prepare for the worst….Being the thinker that I am, (I over think everything) I believe I have been doing that for awile now. I look at your situation and the age of your son and I look at Oxys situation and her son and I know, in NO UNCERTAIN terms that can be me….. I do not have on rose colored glasses.
What I do know is that I have to do EVERYTHING I possibly can, now, while he is still young enough, to be helped.
But if all is done to no avail, I know what comes next.
I think even while going through this process, a little bit of “letting go” is happening on a daily basis.
In 2 days the director of the program that is offered in the court petition I filed comes to my home to asess the situation here. It is possible that all hell will break loose once this court petitition is known to my son. This is something that he has no idea I have done as of yet….
I don’t even have the words yet to explain it to him.
I hope that you are able to relax and enjoy your night tonight. And I hope you are confident that you did the right thing.
Ahhh not so fast rosa…
She is the one who is 40 days NC but really its like 60 something days since I last heard her voice but 4/2 was her last paltry email to me. I emailed her back once a few days after, once the day of our supposed 13 month anniversary when I first expressed my confusion and bewilderment, once the NEXT DAY telling her I was done with her ass, and then once on 4/27 to ask for closure and told her I’d appreciate the day if and when she ever apologized…so I’ve only been NC for a little over 2 weeks, but I appreciate your thoughts and praises. Everyday I fight the urge, but it sure helps that urge knowing she won’t respond to me probably EVER, but whatever.
My folks, who see me everyday, say that I should give myself more credit cuz they see improvement w/ me from about a month ago. I find myslef trying to stay busier and trying not to wallow as much although I still allow a little time for that. Still frustrated beyond belief and when I do take a step back and look at the big picture (which is rare cuz usually I’m just caught up in missing her) I get crushed for a little while and completely overwhelmed by the monstrosity of her unappreciation, lies and betrayal but as LTL says, its a process.
Thanks Rosa
awakening
I saw your post and if you don’t mind sharing I would like to know what you did with your son that worked when he was 17?
Awakening- I second that from witsend. I completely forgot to respond with so much going on. I would very much like to hear more when you are able to elaborate. thank you.
Witsend- I hope this may help you – if or when you go thru the rages with your son. 2 similarities i have noticed with my x n/P AND my son that are really significant:
THe herific drama and explosive anger they exude at the time seems to normal people that this is IT, this is the final straw, you have lost that person for good, a line has been crossed to never come back from. You grieve like theres no tomorrow, cuz once again, you see that the relationship is beyond severed to point of no return.
THe S dosent see it in that way at all. After the rage is over, whether it be minutes, hours , whatever ‘their’ time frame is- they will morph into the calm, dead eyed person they were before. They APPEAR to hold no grudge or even recollection of the hell they created or the abuse they inflicted previously.
AMAZINGLY, when they realize “oh sheech!- she is my meal ticket”, the denial, the invalidation of your pain and suffering begins.
They act as tho nothing happened, then blame YOU for not forgiving them (my x n/P) or deny any wrong doing-(my son) -whichever tactic works.
This I believe is where the pyschological brain washing really takes hold. In our desparate need to make the pain and memory go away, we take the S cue, by stuffing the painful event down, then WE are invalidating OUR OWN pain and suffering.
The repeated conditioning of trauma then invalidation, cycles over and over. Scars build on top of scars making a weak, unstable mental foundation.
Several years ago, I got in a cycle of having repeated kidney infections. I eventually had to have surgery to remove the scar tissue as so many infections were re occuring that the scars never had time to properly heal before the next infection happened, causing damage that my body could no longer repair by itself. The wounded tissue had to be completely removed and my body had to start all over to heal completely. The repitition of a S in our lives creates the same mental scar tissue .
sure.
he was extremely difficult at 16 and 17. he was skipping class, wouldn’t clean his room and i was powerless as i am all of 98 pounds. one day i went home and he was sleeping and it was around 2 pm in the afternoon on a school day. i was so angry and i don’t recommend that part. that was wrong of me.
anyway i made him find another place to live, get a job, and figure it out. i did it out of anger at first, not good, but i calmed down i sat with him and told him that i love him dearly but his lifestyle was not healthy and if he wanted to continue on that path than it would be best if he found another place to live. i was willing to pay a certain amount of money a month that was enough to ensure he had a roof over his head but not enough to get by without a job. the key was calming down and doing it out of love, concern, and actually helping him find and place get settled etc. i always no matter what want him to see me as his ally and know i love him and he can feel safe coming to me with anything. if i don’t agree or whatever than i tell him but i wanted to always lift him up rather than tear him down.
he got a job delivering pizza and he was happy for a while. then he realized it was not the “hammock by the beach” life he thought it would be. after that i hired him to work with me at my store and payed him a little bit more, and he was great!
after about a year and a half he decided he wanted to go to college. he had to complete a summer program in order to get in, so he did, and then he was off to USD where he graduated with a degree in finance.
he thanks me all of the time for allowing him to experience for himself his life choices without demanding he conform to my ideas for him and at the same time not discarding him from my life for making not so wise decisions.
i probably just got lucky but i was raised in a very strict household and i was scared to death of my parents so i could never talk about anything and i never felt good enough. while i love them and totally forgive them and i know they did their best and never intended to hurt me, it did.
guess what? i have so many issues but my son, he is nothing like me in that respect, thank god!!!!!! he has a solid sense of self worth, a very good head on his shoulders. i do hurt him by being as broken as i am so please don’t think i think i am some super star parent i just think i may be stuck in that mind frame so i simply respond to that. (sorry so long hard to stop typing once i start)
hope that helps,
awakening- beautiful story and im soo happy your son turned out so well. Your son thankfully, at least from your post never exhibited consistent S traits (?) I have to say from my experience, a true S could never have given you any credit, respect, or maintained consistent good behavior. My S son makes me crazy beyond crazy as he makes me doubt my own mind. He would never take the high road of a job and
responsibilities when he can manipulate others to do it for him.
Just curious, what kind of store do you own? I own a furniture store, its amazing how many S victims here own businesses! Very interesting…
awakening
I think what you did under these circumstances were comendable. Especially since your son “going into it” thought wow this is the life I really wanted….On my own…..the whole teenage idealism thing….And I truley believe that this would work for many parents who have a kid that has just lost his way for awile and needs a good old fashioned lesson on life in the real world.
This is similar to something I did with my oldest son. Except he was a bit older.
He was already done with high school, went to college for awile and had a job and still living at home. At some point it was time for me to “nudge” him out into the real world. He was about 22 yrs old and the time had just come, he needed lessons that I could no longer teach him. He needed life experience. He matured so much in just one year out of the house it was amazing. I knew I had done the right thing. I am very proud of him. (he is 26 now)
My younger son in question now, has much deeper issues. He is flunking this year and is 4 credits behind and he still insist that he is PASSING. He is passing because HE says he is passing. Reality has no place in his world.
This son has many disturbing personality traits of a personality disorder and depression signs as well.
I think you should be very proud of YOURSELF and your SON.