The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
JustAboutHealed, thanks as always for your inspiringly validating feedback….you are always so incredibly generous; your feedback motivates me more than you can imagine.
Kathleen, likewise…you, too…thanks for taking the time to read the post; your favorable reaction(s) also inspire.
Steve
http://www.aftermath-surviving-psychopathy.org/resources.php
I don’t know if this site made it into the referal List?
Steve said
“Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters” –
I have learned with certainty that self-doubt simply cannot exist in my relationships anymore as much as I strive for dishonesty, and selfishness and ignorance not to exist within me anymore, there is no place for self-doubt when something feels wrong. It is.
Steve said
“The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.”
I am learning how not to become an intended target. By learning to be certain and aware of who I am and what I deserve. So I dont expect to receive the intentional silent treatment anymore, let alone stick around for it to continue. I am learning that others have the choice to be an abusive individual, but I have the choice to protect myself and stop. change direction. Life is so much more simplified. No wondering, just believing in what I have deemed good treatment and bad treatment.
Thank you for reminding me that taking stock and revisiting my past experiences/vulnerabilities, actually strengthen me and protect me and rid me of them. The silent treatment for me…was deadly to my sense of self. Now it will be a red flag for me to act upon and…stop me from staying in an abusive relationship and I will change direction toward peace and quiet!
This is one of the best articles I have read so far on psychopaths..and yes it does explain why NC works so well.
The silent treatment is the lamest thing on the planet. It is so freaking shallow. My S called me 8 1/2 weeks ago, told me she loved me, missed me and that she’d call tomorrow and I haven’t heard from her since. Literally unbelievable. I didn’t even know she was an S until she pulled that one on me and that got me to this site where I connected many more dots to arrive at my suspicions about her quite possibly being Cluster B of some sort. GOOD GRIEF! I found myself wondering today, if these people are so evil, why isn’t in a little more common knowledge that people like this exist. I know I for one had never heard of anyone having these kinds of capability of human destruction with no remorse and they could be right under your nose, right in your bed and you have no idea until its too late, they already got you hooked. I know for me this is a lesson learned, and despite all Ive said I AM STILL resisting the urge to reach out to her with an email. Mind you I said still resisiting. I just wish I had heard a story like this before and knew about red flags and all that stuff. I understand that my overlooking some things were naive on my part but if only I knew, if only I knew…If only I knew I wouldnt have gotten so damn emotionally invested. Damn she sucks. Sometimes when I step back and look at what actually happened here, I am blown away that it happened. Blown away that she could just stop talking to me PERIOD. DONE. NO REASON. THAT IS CERTIFIABLY INSANE, NUTS, COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS. How can anyone treat someone that they even care about as a friend that way, nevermind a lover.
I am starting to understand that I will not understand, but yet I continue to think about writing her everyday, it is madness. Why in the world would I give her the time of day after what she has done, and yet I still write, and think about sending it, and have dialogue with her in my head (sometimes yelling) on a daily basis and she goes on about her merry way as if I was a mirage. I try to tell myself she was a mirage. She never existed. IT was all a fairy tale, AND IT WAS! More like a nightmare. this may be pointless rambling, but I needed to vent, and where better than here.
It is just so unbelievably irrational…I cant imagine someone that I thought I knew, lived with and loved, being capable of being such a stupid human being and for what. How much effort would it hae taken to pick up the phone for 5 minutes one time in the last 8 weeks to say “hey, I’m sorry, ive had a change of heart we’re done”
or the 2 minutes it would take to type those words. BUT NO, are you kidding me, after loving this girl to death and helping her in many ways I’m not even worth that! Are you kidding me. IT is complete and utter lunacy. I thought this girl was smart and had a good heart where she turned out to be SO DUMB AND HAVE A HEART MADE OUT OF STONE. Sad but true. I have made a million excuses for her as to why she still hasnt contacted me and I ran out about a million excuses ago. What a bummer. And I still work at it, just thinking about it is working at it, it would just be nice to get paid with something for all of the work I put in in that respect I am like a slave to it. I know its a process, I know good days and bad and I know I’ve been doing beter lately I can tell, but I have such a love/hate relationship with this human being, and she has neither with me, she has a nothing relationship with me. It just sucks that all of my good memories, which most of the physical memories are, don’t go away and it makes it all the more difficult to understand how she doesnt remember. Wasn’t she there? Whackjob or not, fun is fun, good chemistry is good chemsitry, etc…right?
I keep asking myself “what I am missing?” I know they are different in so many ways, but still how is it possible?? I know they know the difference between right and wrong, gratitude and ungratefulness, even if they dont care, enough to pretend they do for a few measly moments out of their treacherous empty lives to at least HUMOR that person that I’m sure they can recognize HAS FEELINGS and DID DO THINGS FOR THEM. WTF?
why is that too much to ask? Or I cant even ask becasue I cant even talk to her. The term unbelievable gets thrown around a lot, but this whole thing, for me has been without belief in what has occurred, literally…U-N-B-E-L-I-E-V-A-B-L-E
numerous 4 letter words chugging through my brain right now like a high speed train
I know, sometimes I can’t wrap my head around it either. It helped me to understand they are predators, stalking us like mountain lions, actually preying on us, using up everything but the bones and then just walking away. I agree with you that she could have AT LEAST said good bye, something! She’s a human being for God’s sake, how can people feel nothing? They must feel something… rage, anger, if they can feel that, how can they not feel anything else? I just always thought that other people had the same emotions as I do, but I know now that that is wrong wrong wrong.
Good Grief:
You are going to be just FINE.
We need to find you a NICE girl, when you are ready.
GG ,
When you can wrap your head around the fact that when things are either serious or difficult or challenging or not in their favor….they dont act or react the kind courteous gracious way you would, or you would expect someone to.
But when they are in the fun moments, the easygoing, freespirited times they know how to live it up with us, they know how to turn on the charm, and live in the moment of the fun times, non-commitments, chemistry abound, talk the talk….but whoa there…actually walk the walk….well thats another ball park for them…
But when you actually step out of who you are, how you would handle things, the way you would call and say its over….they just deal with it differently , depending on situation and accusations…they go NC, or disappear for a while, or go full force with turning on the charm, or go off on you emotionally and/or physically.
For many, they often opt not to say Goodbye, so as to leave the door open for down the road when they are in a dryspell or desperate or of the belief that you will fall for them all over again…maybe their motive is they need more money again, or they want to use you for the sex again, or they miss the thrill you provided who the heck knows….twisted, toxic people.
They think of themselves at this stage of the story. They just fulfill their basic needs, they move on, they avoid making contact, risking more exposure and having to deal with serious conversations and long drawn out ‘face the music” time – that just choose not to deal with. They are LAME.
You keep saying someone you thought you knew. You do now know her very well – the real person. In the beginning she was masked or on the far far off chance she had a change of heart and no courage to tell you, but either way you did get to know her very well the last several months. And from what you shared, you knew her and witnessed some bad treatment but probably denied it because you wanted her to be the person she falsely presented herself to be in the beginning of the relationship.
The thing is they dont really care about anything except themselves when all is said and done.
Glad you are venting and processing and figuring out the reality of the situation more and more.