The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
i am really embarrassed. i am all over this blog and you must feel like i invaded your space. so sorry. didn’t mean to. guess i am excited to have someone who understands.
i have been in front of my computer all day. oops….
i will leave you guys alone for a while.
night night
Awakening- Cant you call the police when all the weird stuff is going on to check out your place? I did many times, and they were glad to help me out anytime I felt uncomfortable. Never feel bad about calling them. The police are your best allys during a stalking of a S. Keep a pix of him to show them who to look out for with any car tag info etc. to help them out. I had extra patroles on the look out for my x n/p. The police took it serious-especially when they read from my phone and computer all his bizarre letters.
dear awakening, never apoligize for being here. This is a place that you are welcomed with open arms. We get passionate about what goes on b/c we care that much. I wish we could all meet for coffee in real life! Talk about strength in numbers!! good nite
sabrina
The lack of interest is pretty intense (at least for me) usually means I am depressed. Or at least going into that funk, heading in that direction.
I think it takes ALOT of effort to deal with what you have been dealing with. Drains alot of energy. And thats not even touching upon the emotional impact of it all. Its pretty CONSUMING. At least I can get pretty consumed with it.
I have to make list. And try to force myself to do what is on the list. Then I give myself credit for what I have accomplished rather than what I failed to accomplish that day.
And then I have to force myself to go out to dinner or go pull weeds in the garden (or something) rather than stay inside and isolate…..I can isolate myself pretty bad when I am in my funk. Without list I don’t know that I would do anything that needs doing when I feel so drained?
Witsend, I am taking anti-depressants,for about 3 weeks or more now, but no real change yet. I agree with you about the depression, its def sucking the life out of me. I’ve never in my entire life not been able to pull myself up .
I have alot of stuff to do ,but find myself rationizing, “IS this mandatory? it can wait. My goal lately is to NOT get out of the house. I hate it, but for the life of me cant seem to change it.
Right now, theres hardly any food in house, all invitations by friends are wiggled out of, and I have no motivation to eat right or exercise. Its maddening! Maybe I should go to dr. to see if there is more I should be taking or different meds.
can’t help myself sorry. witsend i wanted to respond to your post about troubles with your younger son.
when mine was younger, actually all through school until college, he struggled in school big time. i found this lady that specializes in placing children into the right environment and it made a huge impact. he ended up going to this snow boarding school with like 20 kids and 1 on 1 teachers. it was really cool for him because they snow boarded most of the time and competed and then school was almost like home schooling but better because he became independent and got to experience things most kids don’t.
he excelled and got a lot of self confidence.
maybe there is someone like that where you live? he loved it and he became really good at a sport which is a great thing for a guy and building self esteem.
if you want more info let me know.
night night sleep tight. 🙂
sabrina
I don’t know so much about the newer meds for depression but I took one about 12 years ago when my husband died and it took a good month or more to kick in.
I would mention it to your doctor though because I think its worth the mention and also some of them I think nowdays kick in a bit quicker. Or he might change your meds or add another.
When you are depressed though it is ok to try and use your energy for what is priority as far as getting things done and not be to hard on yourself on the small stuff. I think the real important thing though is to try and get back doing things with friends and getting out of the house. I know that is what I RESIST the most and so I figure it is the most important! LOL.
Maybe take small steps and just go to dinner or a show with a girlfriend rather than a group of people. And even be honest with your friend and tell her you expect yourself to cancel so she can gently nudge you to go at the last minute….
awakening
That sounds like a great school enviorment!! I had inquired about alot of different options when my son seemed to have trouble in high school his first year (last year) I think if they had a skate boarding school here he would have been willing to make a switch…FOR SURE. I live in a small town with not
alot of good resources.
His choices were not so enticing. My son really is flunking because he CHOSE to. He is very bright and was aptitude tested in the 9th grade and placed in 11 & 12 grade level.
His problem is attitude and he has well over 85 missing assignments in 5 classes at LAST COUNT. It is more now as I don’t even keep look anymore on edline.
He has shut down in school. And the more he doesn’t like a teacher the sooner he shuts down in their class.
He was put on medications for depression and took for about a month and refused to take them after that….The meds didn’t produce a whole lot yet but they did take the EDGE off of his major irritability and he did start to show improvement both at home and at school. Once they started working though he was done with them.
His school just got a new counscelor and although LATE in the year I wish she would have been there sooner. She is for AT RISK kids and she mentioned to my son a program through the National Guard for young kids, and he would be gone for about 8 months. It sounded good and had hoped he would be interested but he is NOT. And he has to be WILLING to join. They only take willing candadates.
My son doesn’t WANT help. HE INSIST that he is fine and EVERYONE ELSE has the problem. Do I BELIEVE their is PAIN under that….You BET I DO.
He has been going to therapy for almost 8 months and he is worse off than when he started. All he does is LIE to this guy and he is the worst therapist I have ever encountered.
Has he done more harm than good? Sometimes I think he has….Its NOT a passing the blame thing either. I have a problem with this guy, and I should have switched him early on to another therapist, because my gut told me to. But I didn’t because quite frankly I figured my son would stop going altogether…..
My son is resistant to everything. In order to recieve help you have to be willing at some level. Even a year ago when he was more reachable than he is now he would loose focus in a week or two if there was something he was “working towards” that he wanted. (skate boarding) He has the grandious thinking….It WILL happen because HE SAYS it will happen, not because he has worked towards obtaining it.
witsend, THank you for your wisdom. I just need to be determined to get back into life activities and think positive about it.
I just found out some more disturbing news about my son. He not only has been physcially abusive with me, he has a hy of abuse with his current AND last girlfriend! Its heartbreaking.
I talked to the prior g.f. from high school, he shoved her around numerous times, threw something at her etc. AND the current g.f. got in touch with previous one on facebook with a picture of her with a black eye, asking if my son had done anything like this to her!!! He should go to jail for this.
This is what I am going to court for now against my x n/p and my son is also an abuser and perpetrator. OMG
My sons step dad (we are also divorced)’somewhat” defended my son by saying he had been witness to both son and g.f coming home drunk and the girl busted my sons lip, so he blames both.I dont care what the female did to him, NO EXCUSE he should have walked away. NO ONE even told me about this incident until I called around asking questions.
Oxy may have had the exact situation as this-
My son was not raised in a home with drinking,drugs, OR abuse of any kind . HE was NEVER abused in any way-at least to my knowledge, im pretty sure of. He Was an only child for many years and was doted on. SO the whole environmental theory of a S is out the window with this kid.
Only leads back to his bio dad that left me and my son when baby was 5 mos old in pursuit of women,& drugs. His bio dad bacame abusive with me once before he left. He has been in and out of rehab most of his life, has had other child and left that woman and child As well. I was only 18 when we married, so not much recollection of his traits, but HAD to have been a S now that I go back into the details. He was cold,detached, and heartless regarding me and my son.
I plan to confront my son with this because I feel its my duty to call him out on his dispicable behavior, although I just realized, that I too have to be careful in doing so!!! Im so disraught. ANY ideas on how to hand le this, I cant just sit silent while he keeps abusing and god knows what else ?????
sabrina
That is a question for OXY about confronting him. Seeing as you just got him out of the house you don’t necessarily want to do anything to provoke him to come back to the house and have another altercation.
Think about talking to the current girlfriend maybe. BUT again it might be wise to wait for a “cooling down” period because you want to talk to her, woman to woman, and she might have taken his side for now…..You know how YOUNG girl friends are…Poor, poor him he has no place to go ….
You pretty well KNOW that she has seen his violent side just as you have. But something keeps her to go back with him…
Abuse takes on a cycle of its own….