The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Oxy, Thank you for your response,if you skipped down to later than day I think tuesday- I did make him leave the house.It was somewhat dramatic, as it always is with him.
How come with a S they can NEVER quietly ,respectfully EXIT ANY relationship OR situation without A HUGE UGLY SCENE?
Never can it be anything other than a soap opera type drama.
Anyways, I am so relieved, although drained from it all- If you were able to read on, I found out more disturbing news about him abusing 2 of his girlfriends. (i am hoping to reach his current one to speak to her about it- he deserves to go to jail for this and she should leave him! But she prob wont-
Oxy i- I havent really thought about filing out a report against him for abuse. Not a bad idea for a paper trail.
I would dread going to the police, as they were so involved only a few months ago with protecting me from my x n/p. THey probally will think I am insane this go around for sure.
However, I agree with you it is serious.
DId your son have rages from nowhere, in which he lied and twisted stories just to stir up a good fight? Just curious about the behavioral traits of younger S . xoxoxo
Its called tough love. Its the best thing for the P and its the best thing for you and its the best thing for everybody else. All that is stopping the P from going is your addiction to it. Doesn’t matter if its your son or daughter or husband or brother. They will destroy everything in their path, sometimes quickly sometimes slowly. If you don’t get them out now then you have only yourself to blame. You have been here long enough to know the horrific reality of what happens if you indulge your disease of addiction to a psychopath. If you are fair dinkum you will admit that the addiction top the psychopath is a serious life threatening family disease. There is no cure. The only safety is in no contact.
We will be here for you to cry with, laugh with and be angry and homicidal with. But there is no grey area when dealing with a family member or intimate partner who is a psychopath. It is black and white…i.e. Have no contact, sit on your hands and pray and cry and eventually you will come out of this nightmare ( I havnt yet, but I see those on here who have like Oxdrover) or have contact and continue to spiral down to the bottomless pit of hell. Your choice. Take it or leave it. Or maybe your rockbottom isn’t bad enough yet. Maybe you need to go through what Oxdrover and i have gone through. Good luck with that.
P.S. You can’t make him do anything. He can even cheat on urine tests for drug testing of medication. Its easy. You can’t change anyone except yourself.
Dear Sabrina,
I hurriedly read through a bunch of the posts. I have been off line much of yesterday and today (real life is moving on with the seasons and a lot is going on here at the farm.) One son, C went back to work so is gone from home during the day now, and other son is getting ready to leave for his summer job for Boy Scouts, plus we are back to milking goats again and other things going on, gardening, etc. Plus, I have been having some sort of “something” I am not sure what it is, so have been spending quite a bit of time processing stuff and trying to get to the bottom of why I am all of a sudden “anxious.”
To answer your question, yes, they will pick fights, rage out of control for “no reason” andf just generally make your life hell.
I am GLAD you got him out of your house. The next thing if you haven’t already startred it is TOUGH LOVE…NO, say the word….NO….you cannot come home. NO!
You can even go so far as NO CONTACT, and frankly, that is what I recommend. With a kid though, I would WARN him, that you are NC. He may not even realize what yo uare doing if you dont. Just tell him, “John, I am DONE. Go live your life, but don’t show up around here. I have nothing for you.” I am sure he will show back up periodically when he is down and out and has surfed all the couches of people who will tolerate him for a few days. He may even c ome back and rob your house, so I would suggest you get an alarm system if you don’t have one. Park your car inside a locked garage if you can. Caller ID and don’t answer his calls. check outside before you go out the door. Make sure he isn’t there. BE CAREFUL he may be pissed, as he is “entitled to your help” in his mind.
Tilly, “tough love” (the regular kind with regular horse’s butt teenagers) doesn’t really work with the Ps, as they will NEVER RESPECT A BOUNDARY, THEY WILL ALWAYS VIOLATE THEM.
I tried it with my kid, and he just upped the ante.
You are right, though, contact will spiral you down into the abyss deeper and deeper until you need a telescope to see the light at the top of teh hole.
Tilly, BTW, I have observed so much growth ini you since you came to LF and I want you to know I am so proud of and for you for this!!! ((((hugs))))
Oxy, Im listening and taking notes. I am pretty well set on alarms and protection,but will re evaluate, change pass codes , maybe time to get some extra alarms that he dosent know about ASAP. Thanks for the reminder- just as I was mentioning to Awakening recently- when in the midst of a exorcism of a S, we sometimes miss things and need advice on how to protect ourselves.
I am sure I will flip flop and have many sad, missing my son days, but I must always remember what I have seen in him, the demonic side that I must disengage from.
Its heartbreaking, put I cant fall into a huge pity party- I must remember that I am not the only one who has had to go n/c with a child, I know that the tears I shed so far are nothing like what you and others have had to endure.SO I must be strong, just as you have. I have no choice.
Feel free- If you guys have any other advice,
I am kind of in a dead eyed stare myself today.-not the predatory kind, more of the “I got no more fight in me” kind.
Good Morning Everyone,
I am really feeling emotional today…I don’t want to be a basket case when this man comes to the house for the assesment…. I hear so much on LF about documentation and paper trails and how important it is to have. In my case I am afraid that the paper trail were my son seeks counsceling is going to be the very thing that will prevent me from getting my sons petition of incorrigible teen through the courts.
The woman from the court house yesterday was VERY CLEAR about the courts looking at incorrigible teens and depressed teens as 2 different issues. If the courts deem him depressed this is a done deal. My petition to the courts will be rejected. And although I AGREE with that full heartedly, my son has fallen into both categories.
This meeting today feels like it is the end of the line for me. I have called every agency in the phone book. He does not have a police record of juvenile delinquency and this is the only avenue through the courts without a police record.
Last week when I talked to this man on the phone I thought he was the answer to my prayers. The lady I talked to isn’t just a random person at the court house. She will be the ONE that either puts these papers through or NOT.
OxDrover,
I agree with you about tough love. The usual “tough love” is to help the other person more than yourself. It is harsh but out of love. The tough love I referred to before is the tough love on yourself, i.e.going without the addiction to psychopath so that you can survive and others that you love can survive. It is inadvertently that you are helping the P. Not that the P could ever experience “helping someone”. But you are helping them by letting them find their supply somewhere else faster. Because its guarranteed that they will find someone else to do your job and FAST.
P.S. As I have been with psychopaths all my life I know that the road ahead with my P daughter is fraught with landmines. Especially if she ever has kids of her own. I took all her photos down today. I will replace them eventually, with ones from when she was a toddler. Or from when I can remember her innocence.
This is to help me grieve and not trigger myself. I know this is a lifelong battle. I have no rose coloured glasses on with P’s anymore. i am just hoping I stay strong.
I still feel revengeful at the P dentist ex-B somedays. I know this is a big weakness of mine. I know to have thoughts of revenge will hurt no-one but myself. Confessing it seems to help lessen my rage at him. It comes and goes like waves.
Thankyou for acknowledging my growth. I know the real test is up ahead for me and my P daughter. I pray you and my fellow survivors are still online when it happens! I believe God sent you to help me clear my path. xo
What is BTW?
Dear Tilly,
BTW=By the way, sorry I used something you didn’t understand.
Yes, you are RIGHT–tough love on OURSELVES. That is the key. It won’t help them, but it WILL help us.
I still find myself trying to sxlip back into old patterns of behavior and thought, almost automatically, and like the Bible says Imust contstantly “guard my heart” and mind. The old patterns, the old dysfunctional patterns, are so familiar and feel so “normal” and “natural” and “habitual” that it is a DAILY struggle to NOT fall back into them. Yet, Iknow that I must GUARD my heart and mind, for the rest of my life, or I will fall back inito the pain.
I too took down all of the photos of my P son after about 11 or 12, and took down ALL of teh photos of my egg donor. Seeing her angelic face ina lovely photo only reminds me how dark is her heart and mind, so I don’t look at them. Having at one time been a professional photographer, I have many lovely photos decorating my home, photos of my husband and even of our animals and the kids, but I feel better now when I don’t think or see photos of people who have hur me. My sweet “little boy” was a JOY, I remember those days of innocence and love when i see his young pictures, and I don’t think about the EVIL MAN in the prison who has killed and would kill again if he was able.
I am surrounded by photos and paintings that bring me pleasure. This is good.
If God is using my story and my thoughts to clear a path for you, I am grateful to Him for this. I know that in the past he has sent ME many comfortors (“angels unawares”) when I most needed them. I could make a list of people a “mile long” who have “appeared” to offer me a hand at the time I NEEDED IT MOST. I cannot repay those people for being my “angels” but if I can pass on that spirit to another in pain, I am humbled to be able to partly “repay” the wonderful bounty that God has extended to me.
I am no “super hero” though, so don’t build me up as a great example, because I definitely have FEET OF CLAY….and in spades. There is so much about me that I know needs to be “fixed” and I am working on it, but still feel I ahve so much to do. But, I AM much “improved” over the “Old Oxy” for sure. I am not in as much pain, not creating my own pain as much, not allowing others to abuse me and cause me more pain. I am so glad to have seen such growth in you, though, Tilly, because too many times we see people come here, stay a while, and still not apparently “get it” about the “healing road” and then they disappear. I worry for these poor dear souls in pain and pray that they have received some benefit here that will help them “get it” and heal themselves. That’s teh bottom line, HEAL OURSELVES. I can’t heal you, and you can’t heal me, we can only encourage one another. Love Oxy