The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
So, what is the best way to deal with the S who looks past you or avoids eye contact in public?
My SD has treated me badly almost from day one. I have no idea what I’m supposed to have done. But her actions would be appropriate for someone who purposefully poisoned her dog…if you get what I mean. This has gone on since 1990.
She stares past me, treats me like I’m not in the room, and has even excluded me from attending her brother’s wedding shower. (She sent an invitation addressed solely to her father and we’d been married over 8 years at the time). I wasn’t invited to her shower the following year, either, but that was ok because it was her decision to make. Neither my H nor his son had an issue over her behavior…it was my problem…I was the bad person! To top things off, her father, my H, rewards her with money or a gift each time she treats me like a jerk.
My main S is my husband. I’m not sure who he is, I only know that he’s a habitual liar. He supposedly served in the Air force in Viet Nam (but conveniently burned ALL of his medals on the court house steps…so no proof). He had a soldier die in his arms…but he wasn’t a soldier. Oh, and during high school, he had dated and within a couple of years married to a woman who didn’t know that he had fought in the conflict.
Last fall, he told a fellow airplane passenger, a minister, that he had been shot in three places…one scar actually had a different story a few years back, one scar was from an appendectomy, and the third is supposed to be near his ankle…it’s invisible to me…it must have healed very well!
He also brags about owning many things that there is no evidence of. He’s supposedly got degrees from a variety of colleges…just lacks the printed diplomas.
Here’s a good one…he pretended to have cancer to cover up an affair. He told me that he needed to go for treatment in a bad area of New York…and didn’t want me to go there with him. Not only did he cover with a horrible lie, at the same time, his supposed condition made me feel sorry for him.
He enjoys telling people made up stories about nasty comments that others have supposedly said regarding them. His stories are always mean and destroy reputations. They are said in a manner advising each person to avoid confronting the other…because they’d only deny ever making such a comment (of course).
So, I’m not sure what he’s told his daughter about me…and can’t defend myself. He’s even gone so far as to tell others (outside of my presence) that “I” don’t like something they do when it is “he” who has the issue. That way they will become upset with me, not him, when he complains to them.
SO, again, what would you do when surrounded by “family” at a holiday and one of them makes snide remarks about you while pretending you’re invisible? (AND EVERYONE IS AWARE BUT AVOIDS WHAT IS HAPPENING)
Should I stare, say something, ignore that person too, or what?
HELP!
Dear IMconfused,
Glad you landed here, sounds like you are in the RIGHT place, sorry that you “qualify’ for membership in our “club.”
My suggestion t o answer ALL your questions is for you to go back kto the old archived articles, and read each and ever one, there are several hundred I think. READ THEM ALL, just the articlesx themselves. They will answer you questions, in the meantime keep coming here and posting and blogging with us. There is usually someone here almost 24 7 as there are people from all over the world. Welcome! this is a healing place. (((hugs))))
Dear Oxy,
Thankyou for clarifying BTW, there are lots of initials everyone uses that i havn’t seen here in Aus. I can work some of them out, but not all.
Don’t worry, I will never build you up as a “super-hero”! I know it is nothing to do with you, but it is through God’s grace, that I was meant to identify with you at this time in my life. All your pain that you have had to endure, for so long, is what is saving me right now. There is nothing else on God’s planet (except for other posts from fellow survivors), that works. I’ve tried it all. What you went through conveys directly to me and gives me immense strength and hope. I agree, when you are in a dangerous place (rock bottom), God often puts a person (yes..angel) that can serve you. I know its Gods work and God is doing it, not you. Because words can’t express how much you have helped me. You will never know.
I havn’t had photos of my parents or brother up on the wall or on display, for about 15 years..I didn’t do it consciously..I just noticed it now! Different with my daughter. I had photos of the kids everywhere.
Psychopaths are so brilliant at their initial disguise. It sends chills through me. I witness it all the time. I don’t know why I have to deal with so many, but I pray one day that changes. I believe it will.
Last night i was listening to an “old friends” story. I was never close to him so i never took much notice of him before. But yesterday, I noticed he was still saying the same lines as he did ten years ago. He didn’t have one original thought. He was trying to control me, even in little things, like what coffee to have. He made up stories that had hidden agenda to manipulate me. He planned my next weekend and tried to invite himself to my place so i could cook him a meal. “In passing” i showed him my oven cleaner I carry around with me….instead of taking the hint, he then he told me a dozen stories trying to convey how tough he was. They were all lies.
It disturbs me that I keep having to deal with psychopaths.
I remember my father worked in a funeral parlour once, and he said he thought the whole world was dying because all he saw were dead bodies all day. Well, I see an awful lot of Cluster B’s out there!
Thats another reason why it is so good to come here! I remeber there are good loving people in the world who don’t just want to take and pull me down. X0
Dear Tilly,
I laughed about your dad’s comment, that is soooo true! We see “them” everywhere, butyou know what, there ARE so many cluster B personality disorders, not JUST psychopaths.
That is why I am systematically eliminating TOXIC people, whatever their diagnosis or dysfunction. The “drama queens” that have to have so much freaking drama in their lives over and over like it gives them something to do in an otherwise boring life. If there is peace and quiet they must some how stir up some “drama.” Same old chit, different day!
When we have grown up in a “dramatic” environment, we tend to see this as “normal”—and have trouble seeing that OTHER’S PROBLEMS (self created over and over) are NOT our responsibilities to fix.
Simple thing, you spend your money on entertainment, then don’t have money for rent, you are about to get set out of your home—I have money because I saved adn did without entertainment and would have money for emergencies…so how is YOUR problem paying the rent now MY problem? NOT!
Yet, somehow I always seemed to think it was MY problem, and I felt guilty if I didn’t give you the money, which of course you never got around to paying back. (that is the Universal “you”)
I have had several “friends” like your “friend” and I have quietly eliminated them from my life—“too busy” etc, others that were doing similar things that were crossing boundaries and just trying to take advantage of me in “small” ways, I told them how it was, as we say here in my part of the world, “told them how the cow ate the cabbage” and when they sbowed no remorse or recognition of their abuse of my trust, I kicked them to the curb. What do I need these people for? I don’t need anyone who is not respectful and good to me. I don’t need another child to care for or i would adopt one. LOL (that’s laugh out loud) ROTFLMAO is roll on the floor laughing my arse off! ha ha
God does send us “angels” iin the guise of others when we need them, I could make such a long long list of ones who have appeared almost like magic when I needed them most.
My egg donor had taught me that God was this judgmental hateful old man who was waiting to send me to hell when I wasn’t “perfect”—she never taught me about a loving heavenly father who was there to comfort you. Through these traumas, vales of tears, and pain, I hve learned that there is a heavenly father who is there for me, who loves me. Who comforts me. So all in all, I think this whole thing and series of things has been very beneficial for me, for my mental health, my living a better life, and for my spiritual welfare as well.
Before I came to LF I was on a site on MSN that was owned by Sam Vankin, a self acknowledged N, but probably more a P, who has capatiolized on his “disorder” to make a living, and talking in ANY way there about a spiritual aspect of healing was verboten. I found love fraud about the time I was about to get banned from the other site for simply saying “I am a Christian.”
Sam Posted an article there entitled “Jesus was a Narcissist” with his “proofs” that jesus was just like Sam. It was taken down about a day later, though. It really went too far and offended many people.
I don’t “preach” at anyone or belittle anyone’s faith no matter what it is, or even if they have no “formal” faith. But my faith has been a pivotal part of my healing. I find good information in many sacred writings of many faiths, not just the Bible, but the Bible does really “speak to” dealing with these people, in my opinion, when you read it with an OPEN mind. Not one shut up like mine was before with my egg donor’s rantings in my head.
More people have been killed and persecuted in the name of “religion” than probably have died in all the wars since we all lived in caves. “Believe my way or die!” Whether it is a religion of politics (like communism) or of how you worship or don’t worship any particular god. Recorded history is full of it.
The freedom of thought and belief is a wonderful concept and I totally embrace it. Dogmatic people are not my cup of tea. The dogma I was taught never “felt right” to me, and now I see WHY it didn’t feel right, any more than the “abuse” “felt right”—-now again, I can see why. So as I grow and learn I am working very hard to practice what I teach. ((((hugs))))
I can’t wait to use ROTFLAMO to my email friends here in OZ! lol xo
Witsend- I wanted to see how your visit with the director went today? I hope you found good news.
Dear Newlife, I pray that you have been doing what Oxy suggested. It is the only way to stay sane. love. X0
Good morning everyone…
First off, I feel like i;m doing better…We all know it is a process but I am starting to feel more and more like myslef again, but f course there are setbacks. I haven’t been posting as much but I’ve still been reading and of course writing. I’m not going to send her the email I posted a few days ago but I have written another one. I think it is really good but I want to post it here so that I can get some reassurance as to why I WOULDN’T want to send it. Any and all feedback is appreciated and sometimes it’s good to get reminded why I’m better off without her…I kind of think this is a dangerous idea but my heart tells me it’s a great idea. It would centainly open the door for her now or later which is something I find myslef wanting although I think I knw better. Just wanted to get this out there before I even consider sending it to her. I hope everyone is doing well…it is true thought that if she called, and if I talked to her that I wouldnt want to talk about what happened and I don’t want to know…thanks everyone
——————-
Just wanted to reach out and touch base. I’m not mad at you at all. What’s in the past is in the past and I personally don’t care and I don’t ever want to talk about it. What’s done is done so whatever. You did things your way (as you always do) and I don’t hold that against you. Everything with me is going great. (my business) is killing it this year. What recession? I’m not going to lie though and tell you that I don’t miss you and beaner and especially sparky. This time apart was necessary and it has been good for me, it’s allowed me to focus on shit I needed to focus on…
I wasn’t intending on writing to you again but I found an old note you wrote me the other day and it got me thinking about all this and it inspired me to write this letter to you… It says “(my name), you have brought back that passion and lust of love that I haven’t felt in so long. thank you. you calm me even though you’re as crazy as me.” Yup, you’re crazy alright and I must be as crazy to write this to you but…hi…
I’m not sitting here saying I love you and I need you and all that BS because I don’t, just saying that I miss you in my world and seeing if you might be down to do something if you miss me in yours. You showed me your dark side and I’m not scared. I always told you I could handle your ass. There was awhile there where I felt like a line out of your favorite song “since you’ve been gone my world is dark and gray,” but now I’ve come to understand that I won’t understand why or what happened nor do I care to and it’s gotten me to a good place. I don’t want to know. Maybe this time apart has been good for us, just wanted to see if we can pick up where we left off bert and ernie style but maybe it’s too late for both of us. Maybe we can get back to that moneyness (if that’s a word) that we were and if not then that’s fine too, I’m cool either way. I do feel under-appreciated though but that’s all I’ll ever say about that. All I’m concerned with at this point is the present and the possibility of the future whether it’s with or without you…
Here’s a few good times that stand out to me…Bells, snowboarding (when I told you how proud of you I was when everyone else gave you shit for it), ghosthunters, murphy’s, the aquarium on your 2nd b-day, the comedy show, gun lake and the day you showed me around Michigan, Whitey’s in ohio, pumpkin picking, hanging with each others fams, traveling cross-country, the football game, strip club, obama, slick rick humping mao, xmas, fondue, smores, the funny farm, toilet papering the neighborhood, putting the couches together to sleep together when you were finally well enough…the list is endless and I don’t care to me they’re valueable. To you?? What are the bad memories? There aren’t any. Get it? This is the rest of our lives here dumb-ass, perhaps the fun doesn’t have to end…
I hope things are going well for you out there. (my dog) misses her coffee buddy… I miss you f*cker, you suck, but I miss you 🙂 you never even said goodbye, maybe that’s a good thing. Some higher power gave you a second chance at life, maybe we can give it a second chance at…
P.S. For all of the things that I know I did right, I must have done something terribly wrong for you to dislike me so much that you don’t even want to know me…
GoodGrief:
Once again, I will use the drug analogy, because you are “addicted” to this girl.
The above e-mail shows that “the syringe is in your hand loaded with heroin” and you are “looking for a vein”.
Your “sobriety” is in jeapardy! It is OK to post it here, but please do not send it.
GOODGRIEF
Have you not had enough of the sharade? Lie apon Lie promise apone promise, the deciet?
You are your own worest enemy!
You can’t reason with a Sociopath! They are in the game for one purpose only ! SELF forgive yourself for haveing feelings for the shell of a person that they are! It ain’t gona fly never did and never will no matter how much you want it to! They don’t get better they just get worse! Till you are left with nothing ! no self-respect, no money, no home , no nothing ! Their purpose is to suck the life out of you till there is nothing left, If your lucky you may have a bit of sanity left to recover ! The Opposite of LOVE is use! STOP being USED! There are too many fish in the sea to Get hung up on the likes of them! Please! LETGOLETGOD! Your beatting your self to death for what? another round! QUIT they are not worth it! Peace be with you! You are worth so so so so much More!