The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Matt & OXY:
Years ago I started writing letters to people I knew I couldn’t communicate with in person for various reasons….It became my way of ‘journaling’. I never had any intention of sending them, so I was rawly honest….down to details.
During this process I have just gone through, I printed every single one of them and read them-re read them and still go back to them. I have them in a binder now.
WOW….I remember every single one of them…..they are just so telling. Telling about me, my ideals, my denial, my anger, my inner wishes for the relationship etc…
To go through them cronalogically, from way back is enlightning.
THANK GOD I DIDN”T SEND ANY OF THEM…..Somewhere in time, I heard the advice about ‘write them a letter and burn it’….the ‘get it out’ effect…..they were written letter format all the way down to the Dear XXXX, LOVE ERIN.
Some of the letters are to my kids….OH SHIAT! To read those again…remember the times and circumstance we were going through….YIKES>>>>>I always spoke to my kids in ‘unisome’ on a united front with the S-co-parent. Always spoke to them as “your father and I’…..Like June CLeaver! The things I said….were heartfelt and I thought the truth….but as I said these ‘truths’….the EX s was advising polar opposite……so the kids would look at me as such an idiot….you don’t know nothing. I said, let’s talk about drugs, don’t do drugs, talk to me, I am here…..
S would say….Don’t tell your mother if you do drugs…she will go ballistic.
I would say, “you know your father and I would never hurt you, we want the best for you, your our child”.
He would be hurting them all along, physically and emotionally and telling them do not ever tell your mother.
So THANK GOD I never gave these ‘crying out’ letters to the kids…..Holy crapiolie!
Writing was good….maybe I will publish them all….How ironic would that be to make some money off the sociopath now!
It is just so important for us to ‘keep our emotions to ourselves’…..’never let them see us sweat’. I always let mine see me sweat…..standardly, he played me.
The VERY LAST TIME……I had just got out of the hospital, we had talked about his need to connect with the kids….seek therapy….he cried, saying he wanted to be close to them….what could he do….I suggested therapy….BUT, I wasn’t going to set it up, pick a Psychologist or be a part of it. I told him he had a lifetime to unravel prior to getting to my participation.
The day I got out of the hospital after 2 weeks stay….4 hours later the police were at my home as one child called because he had slammed him up against the mirror and had him in a choke hold.
I was so torn….I was in NO SHAPE to protect my kids….I minimized it to the police…..I couldn’t imagine my Ex s getting arrested and me having to go bail him out….or not bailing him out and the ‘punishment’ fall out from that decision, All while I was soooo sick!!!
This was his response to the Dr’ telling him to protect me from stress at all costs. My life was in the rafters, I was extremely vulnerable on All levels. Perfect place for him to have me!
What happened after that…..I was SO ANGRY….at him. I wanted to kill him….we had already seperated and he came back when I was in hospital….I was a hostage. I went up the stairs and fell down….It made me even more angry, the condition my body was in….I went into my room and layed in bed….my mother was visiting….I had asked the S to not participate in talking about us or the kids in the living room, as if we were not there….my mother has a habit of talking loudly and mean about people, as if they can’t hear…..we can always hear….she has done it my whole life and no one is immune to her backstabbing…..now she does it to my kids….I asked the S not to participate in this behavior, he assured me he would not…..as I went back to bed…they sat in the living room talking so loud about the child that he had just abused and how awful he was, rude etc….The steam built back up in me and I exploded….I picked up all my pill bottles and threw them in my room at the walls. Threw water bottles and headed towards the door to tell them to shut the fark up….I fell….like I was diving into home plate, my head hitting the door…BANG! Made me even more pissed off! I got up, opened the door and picked up shoes and threw them at the S, sitting smuggly in the recliner as my mother was on the couch….I yelled at him, screamming totally lost it…..
They both sat there, my mother was saying’ oh my goodness, I have never seen her like this before’….she had NO IDEA about the abuse, she bought into the ‘it’s the kids fault’, she thought the S was fabulous for coming back into the home AT HER REQUEST to ‘take care of me’….that night he slept in the guest room and made it clear he was going to sleep with a knife to protect himself from me if I had another outburst….
So…did I lose it….absolutely…..my only fatal error…He used it against me over and over, telling my mother this was common….you saw it for yourself….so by my actions alone….I created the doubt that he could exploit over and over…oh and he did……
My mother was disturbed by my freak out….she had no clue, didn’t understand why and never wanted to….Not that my behavior was okay that night…..but it was certainly exploited after that….he tried repeatedly to ignite that fuse in me….I would never respond to him again. I learned my lesson!!!
The things we hand them to exploit us….
NEVER REACT……NEVER GIVE THEM AMMUNITION….NEVER SEND THE LETTERS…..Remain in control at all times, with all your might, with all your strength, with all your stamina….we must remain in control to succeed!!!
🙂 🙂 🙂 Happy weekend….make it a good one LF’ers
My (S) would eat before coming home for dinner. I saw him picking up McDonalds on afternoon after he got off of work. He wouldn’t eat anything I fixed, wouldn’t look at me , talk to me, or acknowledge my presence. I felt worse than alone. I felt like there must be something wrong with me because my first husband of 24 years became a substance abuser and blamed me for that, and then after only two months into my second marriage I was being treated like a sub human, not worth wiping his feet on. He accused me of not doing laundry, cleaning house, shopping, etc., all of which I had done. I was afraid to not to keep everything up to snuff.
I was always “walking on eggs”. The look that he would have on his face when I was around him was one of absolute loathing. He used to tell me how he knew how to kill without there being a trace of blood… but the silence and shunning was more than I could bear.
MATT
Thanks once again. Of all days for all lawyers to be at a convention. Letter was sent this afternoon to void the listing contract and show proof in 24 hours or we would file a “show of cause” with the judge and prove his bad faith in the case.
It is also mandatory that if he sold, he would have to put the money in an attorney escrow account – I don’t want the house sold at all.
Yes, you remember correctly – he just offered it as part of the settlement. He knows it would break my heart to lose that place -not from a status point of view but because I love to be by the water. It would reaaly hurt my son – he is such a free spirit down there – boy stuff you know – crabbing, fishing, sand digging, kayack, he can bicycle safely – and my daughter just asked to plan a summer party for her band friends. She NEVER asks about the place much – so we started to make a plan.
I swear he is doing this just to spite me – the line between love and hate – I am starting to hate him. Is this evil deliberate? Or they just can’t help themselves?
Does he enjoy my tears and strife? What a sick bastard – to hurt me is enough – but the kids?
It says “Hey kids – daddy has his construction business and his b-b-que but Oh Darn! – I had to sell your shore house to do it.” He worries they don’t think much of him now??
He didn’t go to son-10 baseball game Tuesday
He didn’t go to D-15 spring concert Wednesday.
He picked up son late on Wednesday, took him to the park, to a friends house till 8 pm, for pizza at 9 pm and to bed after 10 pm with half his homework done. I am furious.
And then he tells son to get a pair of balls and stand up to me and tell me he loves his dad and wants to see him.
I asked son if he thought I would ever say he shouldn’t love his dad – answer was of course not.
I explained that dad and I just differ greatly on parenting and
we both need to do what is right for him as a child.
I think I read this here and it seemed like a very appropriate way to answer.
So the saga will continue – but I swear with every fraud we uncover it is getting harder not to want to hang him high.
Leverage – gotta hold onto the cards right now.
I hope someone here reads this and sees what an ugly future is ahead if they want to stay.
The end is inevitable and I prolonged it by 15 years at least.
‘But my son came out of those years – a true gift.
HOWEVER, I did find phone calls to the skank next door again when my son was only 2 – so I can blame myself.
Eight more years wasted .- lies, lies, lies.
I think it is even harder now that I am older – 53 and I have to build my life back. And possibly watch him move on to make money, find his place and forget about yet another family.
Or he could crash and burn quite soon – I shamefully wish that on him. God forgive me- he is the father of my kids – but I do not want to sit and watch him succeed.
Dear Joy,
I am so sorry this is all happening to you and at least you have witnesses. You are in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))
hi witsend and sabrina,
so sorry i did not forget you. i lost internet service and just got it re-connected.
i heard back from the man who runs the place i spoke of for your son, witsend. they do take boys who do not have substance abuse issues but with the economy the way it is he cannot do a scholarship. i wish things were not so bad as i would get my father to pay with our family foundation but it is basically empty right now. i can try of you are desperate? i am worried about you.
how are you guys? i haven’t had any contact or any issue’s, car broken into or the whistling, so i am good. not anywhere near fixed, but at least i am not scared or missing the “jerk”.
i have missed talking with you guys. this blog is my new best friend. you are the only people who get it and even though i have told my family, sister, best friend, about it no one has bothered to read any of it. so i get my support from you guys.
i am so grateful i can’t come close to expressing it.
Awakening,Good to hear from you. How are YOU??Im kinda worried about Witsend, cant find her anywhere.
I know what you mean about getting so much support here, I find that I wonder how you guys are when driving ,and when I am away from my computer!
I tried to discuss some of my depression issues (which I believe are getting alittle better btw) to my mom. What a mistake! she is a good person, but she ended up saying oh you just WANT to worry about something! Then I found myself focusing, obsessing, getting angry and hypersensitive about her ridiculous comment! LOL. (Im thinkin yeah, Im WORRIED about bed sores from laying here !- If I said that -she’d say oh, Your just being LAZY! ha )
With my S son out of the house, its like a load has been lifted. Even tho,in sadness&,unspeakable grief for the loss of him (in the sense that I just have come to realize he really is a S!) The first time I said it was here at LF. It was soo hard to even admit that I knew,and embarassing, like I had failed as a parent in some way.
I still know, my spirit knows, that its the only decision that could have been made.
For now, I am simply not focusing anymore on the situation. Now that he isnt here daily causing a roller coaster of emotions within me, I am taking a break from it all.
Ive given notice to myself, there will be no “serious” “deep” thought for awhile. My emotions are on vacation and will not return until further notice.Its long overdue..
ErinBrockovich
“Years ago I started writing letters to people I knew I couldn’t communicate with in person for various reasons”.It became my way of ’journaling’. I never had any intention of sending them, so I was rawly honest”.down to details.
During this process I have just gone through, I printed every single one of them and read them-re read them and still go back to them. I have them in a binder now…..”
I did this as well “journaling” more so…
I never realized until later just how much it help me deal with my own personal anger and negative emotions at the time. I started it just to keep dates and times in order because so much was happening in the beginning. Anyway I too have reread them years later and God how much I have learned about myself back then and today. The healing power in keeping a personal journal can’t be over emphasized. I believe we should tell others not to destroy letters email and other information concerning our ex s/p. All this information might be important are can be analysis later when we have our emotions more under our control..
“Writing was good”.maybe I will publish them all”
This is one reason I started my blog site hoping these entry’s might help others understand the “temporary” madness and emotional stress we go through in the end of the beginning with our ex s/p. Sociopaths are masters of chaos and drama and unless that person has walked in our shoes I believe they have a very hard time understanding our “temporary insanity” and yes this sometimes goes for our children as well.
Oh, and yes you can make money in Blogging. You might want to check out blog sites.
joy:
Can you call you phone company and ask for a print out of your number to prove his daugter called you? First I’d present the printout. Then I would have your daughter testify that she recognized the number, but didn’t pick up. Then if you can get a copy of your work nunber where you called his number from, I’d present that before you put your co-workers on. If you can’t get the phone printouts go with what you’ve got, but it sounds to me like you’re on the right track.
Also, in the interst of levelling the playing field, I”d go to the police and get copies of your complaints for the restraining orders, even though they weren’t issued to present to the court as evidence that you wanted nothing to do with this creature and the only reason you conacted him was because you feared for his daughter.
Hi, all:
A sort of bizarre evening. I went out with a friend for a drink. He noticed first that some guy I had briefly dated and got rid of a couple of years ago was staring at me from the other end of the bar.
Then, this guy came in who I swore was the S — except he had finally gotten his hair cut and bathed — and maybe lost 20 of the 70 pounds he had put on. I freaked out.
My friend said it wasn’t him. I have to admit I circled the bar but didn’t see him again.
But, who noticed me but guy #1. He started chatting me up, and then gave me some bullshit excuse about the last date we had gone on about the reason he had started chatting up a guy he had met that night — while we were on our date — and then gave the classic “IF I offended you…”
I just looked at him and said “Obviously you offended me. And obviously I wasn’t happy with your behavior that night. But, I’ve moved on.” And literally I did at that moment — just walked away.
As for the S, I finally decided whether it was him or not — (a) I”d be embarrassed if I was 40 years old and seen in the outfit I saw him in; and (b) since he. if it was him, didn’t recognize me, then obviously I wasn’t all that important to me, so screw him.
I do have to admit that I would have liked to go up to the guy he was with — assuming it wasn’t a paying customer — and give him my phone number and tell him “Take this. You’re going to really want to talk to me in 6 to 8 months.”
so good to hear from you sabrina. i know what you mean about trying to talk to anyone about this but you guys., i mean never has anyone not blamed me. no wonder i have low self esteem. agh!!!
today while driving i imagined holding a gun to his head and i am so not like that but it felt justified. then i imagine setting him up and beating him at his own game but i know that would be lowering myself to is level and like i read i could never beat him as he is too good at it
please i cry at the aspca commercials.
but it still seems wrong to let them get away with the destruction and move on to do it to others. this world is a weird place to me. nothing makes sense anymore. seems like the hard core heartless species live more free than people like me. i am too busy working on changing or growing or what lesson i need to learn to pull myself out of whatever painful mess i created for myself to actually “live”.
anyway glad to be back and thanks for letting me ramble on.